Pumpkin Spits on New York—Flavor of Love
Tiffany “New York” Pollard is the self proclaimed head bitch in charge of reality television. New York created the genre’s trope of the loveable villain, letting nothing get in the way of her and Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav. Very clearly not here to make friends, when her arch enemy Pumpkin was sent home and New York began hurling abuse, Pumpkin turned around and spat in her face. Within seconds New York had lunged forward and grabbed Pumpkin’s hair, dragging her to the ground in a scene more vicious and brutal than any Game of Thrones episode. The fight ended with Pumpkin taken away by security while New York got two (!) spin offs.
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God Warrior—Trading Spouses
At it’s core Trading Spouses was just a show about putting together two groups of people with extremely differing ideologies and lifestyles, and watching the chaos that ensued. This worked spectacularly well with Marguerite Perrin, an unstable Evangelical Christian woman who was sent to live with a family who liked New Age stuff like incense and tarot cards, which Marguerite deemed of the occult and “dark sided.” After failing to convert the family to Christianity, Marguerite returned home to her own family to loudly lecture and berate them about the horrible and unholy things she had witnessed, professing herself to be a “god warrior.” It was completely terrifying and you felt sorry for her family. She still took the money.
Everyone Gets Wasted—Rock of Love
VH1’s Rock of Love saw 20 women compete for the heart of a clump of hair, grease, and raw dough held together with a bandana called Bret Michaels. Lead singer of Poison, Bret takes his girls on a road trip to Vegas to see him in action. After the gig Bret leaves the women with his band backstage to have a drink while he goes off to prepare an elaborate date, but when he arrives back fifteen minutes later everyone is so drunk that they have to be carried to dinner. Lacey is so drunk that she climbs onto a bar table and smashes no less than eighty glasses. Dinner is an elaborate seafood spread, and the sight of oysters causes Brandi M. to gag and as she tries to cover her mouth with a napkin vomit sprays out either side of her hands. While vomiting she tells Bret that she loves him which he finds exceptionally emotional, as did I.
Liz Shaw’s Audition—New Zealand Idol
In 2004 New Zealand took it upon itself to adapt the successful Idol series for our televisions and it birthed a national icon. Liz Shaw auditioned for season one and unfortunately didn’t make it to the next round, but she didn’t go down without a fight. After the judges laughed at her strained rendition of Hole’s “Malibu”, Liz became extremely aggressive, calling Paul Ellis’ black clothes “boring,” and Frankie Steven’s bald head “shiny” before storming out hissing, “thanks, I had fun, fuck you.” Liz went on to try stand as an Independent MP in the Auckland Central electorate in 2011, proposing a very literal bridge be built between Auckland and Sydney. She has currently blocked me on twitter.
The Whole Show—The Swan
Do you remember Extreme Makeover? Not Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, where a tan man experiencing a manic episode built overly expensive houses for poor families and ruined children’s rooms with extreme themes, but the original one where they gave women with low self esteem entirely new faces to fit into society’s rigid eurocentric beauty standards? That show was horrible but even more horrible was The Swan, where the same sort of fragile women were taken and given new identical faces and then forced to compete in a beauty pageant. When the apocalypse begins, everyone who watched this show will go to hell.