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April 10, 2016 | by  | in Stressed, Depressed and Well-Dressed |
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What Not to Wear: How to dress for all social situations

 

There is nothing worse than the heightened self awareness and low-key embarrassment that accompany being abrasively and inappropriately dressed for whatever social situation you find yourself in. Here is a short field guide to maintaining appropriate attire in any scenario:

 

Accidental encounter with man-friend’s parents/siblings/entire extended family who happen to be drunk at the bar you work at:

Even if it is the night before Valentines perhaps don’t be wearing the absolute tiniest red velvet bodycon dress imaginable, especially if it also has removable suspenders…

 

Meeting (different) man friend’s twin sister and her minister husband:

When one sibling is dating a 19 year old and the other is married to a minister, no matter what you wear, you will still look like a teenage trophy girlfriend. You may as well embrace the inevitable and wear a dress so short that there is visible booty at most angles (what is the point of squatting if nobody knows you do?), killer platforms, violet lipstick, and a ton of jewellery adorned with moderately offensive insignias. Everyone involved will be comforted by the knowledge that they’ll never be your in-laws.

 

Seeing ex-boyfriend (with intention of hooking up):

My personal favourite is the “leather crop top, mini skirt, seven inch heels, razor-sharp eyeliner, dilated pupils, running mascara, borrowed men’s jacket to stop shivering” look. Honestly, why am I your ex? This can later be effective attire for breaking into your own second-storey apartment by climbing through a window via the fire escape the following afternoon.

 

Seeing ex-boyfriend (with intention of not hooking up):

Freshly showered, clad only in a towel, without makeup on. But not in a sexy way, more in a ‘beached goth-hussy mermaid’ manner; hair matted, streaming mascara, smudged eyebrows sort of thing. Show him what he’s missing.

 

Hungover brunch:

Honestly, the fact that you’ve showered and aren’t wearing the previous night’s outfit is a tribute to the capabilities of the human condition. You deserve that $14.00 Prefab muesli.

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