Viewport width =
May 15, 2016 | by  | in SINGLE SAD POSTGRAD |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Boys (I Never Dated) But Am Definitely Over

To my friends who have been saying things like “Sharon you met him once” and “you don’t actually know him” and “you’re a huge creep,” congratulations, you’ve won. Your constant nagging has finally sunk in. I’m “moving on.” And to my real friends who egged me on through my many delusions, I could have never done it without you, and I’m sorry it never worked out. It was fun while it lasted. I’m sure you’ll miss my imaginary boyfriends just as much as I will. And so, here are the boys I never technically “dated,” but am definitely no longer thinking about:   

Any Boy I’ve Ever Written About In This Column

You would think that the way to a man’s heart is through 500 words in a universally read publication. But I guess not. Maybe I’m not using a thesaurus enough. Maybe they just so happened to miss the week I wrote about them. Yeah it was probably that. But whatever! Coconut Chip Man, Ex-Penpal, and Perfect One Night Stand, I can barely even remember the catchy alias I gave any of you and am definitely not hoping you are reading this (but if you are, heyyy) what no I definitely didn’t write about you that would be super creepy that was my friend she is sooo weird omg haha what’s up?).

My First Year Tutor

This Master’s student is so NOT still in love with a tutor from first year! God no, that would be so embarrassing! No she does NOT still freak out whenever she sees him around at architecture events. And she is definitely NOT in her fifth year of defending his choice of facial hair to some who call it “creepy” and “paedo-esque.” Hell no! If there’s one thing I’ve mastered, it’s CLOSURE!

That Guy From The Supermarket Just Before

It started out like any grocery trip—hungry and alone. Then I saw him, some guy who was picking out the same type of peanut butter as me. Be still, my beating heart. There he is—the man I’m going to marry, I thought. I skipped all the way home. And yet, it’s now been five hours since I’ve left the supermarket and still no marriage proposal! Oh well, easy come, easy go. Guess I’ll change my Facebook relationship status to it’s complicated.

Love is blind, and it’s truly hard to see clearly when you’re in so deep. But after however many weeks of not dating, it’s probably time to let your imaginary lover go. I know it’s difficult, especially when your fictitious relationships are so much better than anything that could actually exist, but let go you must. Time to stop searching all their acquaintances’ photos for untagged photos of them. Time to stop drunkenly Googling them and checking out their Couchsurfing profile. Time to move on. They may not have returned your obsessive love, but it’s okay. There are plenty more imaginary fish in the sea.

 

 

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. ONCE: A captivating collection of solo dance works
  2. Matilda the Musical — Matthew Warchus
  3. Rant with Grant
  4. A Fairer Aotearoa
  5. VUWSA Constitutional Changes
  6. The Politics of Caring: Interview with Max Harris
  7. Yes We Care
  8. Not Enough to Begin With
  9. On the Fence
  10. Policy for Policies

Editor's Pick

FUCK ENGLISH, VOTE POEM

: - SPONSORED - The layer of mist over paddocks, delicate and cold; the layer of cows under a silver sun-bleached tree; the hills rising over them and in the distance the whole countryside demarcated by accidental hydrangeas or a gentle river.   All of these layers upon layers