To my friends who have been saying things like “Sharon you met him once” and “you don’t actually know him” and “you’re a huge creep,” congratulations, you’ve won. Your constant nagging has finally sunk in. I’m “moving on.” And to my real friends who egged me on through my many delusions, I could have never done it without you, and I’m sorry it never worked out. It was fun while it lasted. I’m sure you’ll miss my imaginary boyfriends just as much as I will. And so, here are the boys I never technically “dated,” but am definitely no longer thinking about:
Any Boy I’ve Ever Written About In This Column
You would think that the way to a man’s heart is through 500 words in a universally read publication. But I guess not. Maybe I’m not using a thesaurus enough. Maybe they just so happened to miss the week I wrote about them. Yeah it was probably that. But whatever! Coconut Chip Man, Ex-Penpal, and Perfect One Night Stand, I can barely even remember the catchy alias I gave any of you and am definitely not hoping you are reading this (but if you are, heyyy) what no I definitely didn’t write about you that would be super creepy that was my friend she is sooo weird omg haha what’s up?).
My First Year Tutor
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This Master’s student is so NOT still in love with a tutor from first year! God no, that would be so embarrassing! No she does NOT still freak out whenever she sees him around at architecture events. And she is definitely NOT in her fifth year of defending his choice of facial hair to some who call it “creepy” and “paedo-esque.” Hell no! If there’s one thing I’ve mastered, it’s CLOSURE!
That Guy From The Supermarket Just Before
It started out like any grocery trip—hungry and alone. Then I saw him, some guy who was picking out the same type of peanut butter as me. Be still, my beating heart. There he is—the man I’m going to marry, I thought. I skipped all the way home. And yet, it’s now been five hours since I’ve left the supermarket and still no marriage proposal! Oh well, easy come, easy go. Guess I’ll change my Facebook relationship status to it’s complicated.
Love is blind, and it’s truly hard to see clearly when you’re in so deep. But after however many weeks of not dating, it’s probably time to let your imaginary lover go. I know it’s difficult, especially when your fictitious relationships are so much better than anything that could actually exist, but let go you must. Time to stop searching all their acquaintances’ photos for untagged photos of them. Time to stop drunkenly Googling them and checking out their Couchsurfing profile. Time to move on. They may not have returned your obsessive love, but it’s okay. There are plenty more imaginary fish in the sea.