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In my last breakup, my ex mentioned that we both needed to “learn to be ourselves alone,” that an extended time spent being single and focusing on me and only me would be a good thing. He even went so far as to make sure of this by making absolutely everyone promise to fake disinterest, and to straight up reject me if I seemed to be even slightly into you. Under no circumstances could I have requited love until I discovered who I was. “Don’t date Sharon, she needs time to grow,” he told everyone. So thoughtful of him! And you guys all did so well! Really stuck to your promise—not texting me back, pretending to not know who I was, even saying things like “eww” while I stared at you across the room! Solid effort guys. Really convincing stuff. You never slipped once! You really went all out to make sure that I stayed deadly single. Well, I’m now writing to say that after a year and four months of solid me-time, I have totally found myself, I know exactly who I am, and you can all start asking me out again.
I can hear the sighs of relief across town already! It must have been super hard for you all to have suppressed those feelings for me for so long, just eagerly waiting for the day that I would come out of my singleton cocoon a wiser, more self-assured person. Well that day is here, so hooray for the both of us! Your time of emotional censorship has come to an end, as has my time of lonely bedridden carb loading.
Before you all come running to my door with bouquets in hand, I would like to extend my sincere thanks for giving me this time to be by myself. Through this seemingly endless period of unrequited love, self-indulgence, and fruitless pining, I really have come to grow as a person. My ex was right, I did need this time alone. How else would I have learnt that I am a huge delusional creep, that I am really bad at casual sex, and that I will probably never get over anyone ever? What a journey! What self-discoveries!
Now you may also be thinking—wait, maybe I’m in the midst of the same thing! To know for sure, take this simple test:
- Are you super intelligent, witty, and cute enough on a good day?
- Has no one asked you out for months and months?
- Is there not a single speck of hope in your nonexistent love life?
If you answered yes to all these questions, then congratulations! Someone who cares about you has obviously also made everyone promise to stay away from you romantically until you find yourself. Stick it out, because soon you’ll be just like me, and wake up with the sudden knowledge of who you are, and the suitors will instantly come flooding back.