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May 15, 2016 | by  | in Stressed, Depressed and Well-Dressed |
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What to write about when your boy toy doesn’t dress like shit

In response to my prior column, “what to do when your boy toy dresses like shit” (inspired by a particularly heinous pair of white dad jeans owned by a former man friend), I decided to address the current state of writer’s block I am suffering as a result of my current boyfriend.

It isn’t that I am creatively uninspired, or that he is disinteresting (he in fact has hilarious facial hair); it’s more that there is little to complain about.

He’s so fucking NICE. As in “take you to high tea with your grandma,” or “offers to hold your hair whilst you’re vomiting tequila into a salad bowl” level of nice.

He is 6’3, witty, intelligent, quite beautiful, and a maker of phenomenal martinis. Overall not a terrible life decision.

Despite fairly questionable hygiene standards (“what’s the point of washing it, it’ll just get dirty again anyway?”), the exclusive use of a floordrobe, and the moustache of a 70s porn star, he even dresses well.

He wears normal-coloured (not white) jeans that make his butt look cute, has excellent taste in footwear, can style a scarf, choose frames that suit the shape of his face, and rocks a trench coat without looking like a flasher or comedic detective.

There is a LOT more Hallensteins than I am really comfortable with, but apparently the fact that you can buy absolutely everything, from a suit to shoe polish to a beer pong kit, all in the same store, is both irresistibly convenient and also far easier than actually doing laundry.

To the extent that every day for about three weeks, instead of washing his socks and underwear (like any standard functioning adult human), he would instead purchase a new pair of each.

But I really have nothing to throw shade upon. There are no novelty bow ties, hideous ‘statement’ cardigans, or dumb shirts with parks & rec jokes on them. Not a Nike slide, puffer jacket, or dad hat in sight.

I am actually dating a male human being who can dress himself in a way that doesn’t look as though he was both intoxicated and blindfolded in the process. This is despite the irony that he is legally blind without glasses, and often wakes up drunk.

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