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July 31, 2016 | by  | in Dr Feelgood |
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Dr Feelgood

One day I decided that I should probably stop fucking my ex. But when you stop fucking your ex you stop fucking in general, and this is when the sexual void in my life emerged. I no longer had my quite regular bonking opportunities.

In order to fill this new void, I decided to install some dating apps. Of course, I started with Tinder—the classic, the comforting, Tinder. Tinder has been there for me since 2015, coming through with some successful casual dating and a few bonks in between.

I acquired my first post-relationship bonk via Tinder. It was okay. The main issue being that ~whiskey dick~ is a thing when it shouldn’t be. They did go down on me though, called me a naughty girl, spanked my butt, and didn’t mind my hairy legs. I never saw them again.

Bonk rating: 6/10

My second bonk was with another dude from Tinder. I invited him over to my place at 3am. I was hoping that I could get some actual bonk this time. They were quite yummy, had a nice daddy-esque chest and big arms to hold me down. This has probably been the best bonk so far, their beautiful eggplant really knew how to hit it and I came while on top. I am yet to meet this dude again for another bonk but I’m growing impatient.

Bonk rating: 7.2/10

Another dating app I have recently discovered is Bumble. Bumble is very cute and it only lets the women message the dudes first. This gave me power, I ran that shit. From Bumble, I encountered my third bonk. The guy lived in a studio apartment (which sounds much more glamorous than it really was). He paid for my uber over at 1am. The bonk was ehhh. The only position that could make him cum was the position that made me feel like he might as well be fucking my armpit. He did know how to foreplay though. The main downside was that he had the exact same voice as a friend I know, so that was a bit of a turn-off.

Bonk rating: 3.7/10

I’m always on the hunt for new bonking opportunities. Contact the Salient editors to make an appointment with me.

Sincerely,

Kim K’s biggest Wellington Fan. xoxo.

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