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July 31, 2016 | by  | in News |
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Fun News

 

Going Up

  • Michelle Obama.
  • Clubs on campus doing free pizza events.
  • The level of creepiness when watching Gloriavale documentaries.
  • Hype for the new Harry Potter book.
  • The amount of existential crises in your life because you finish your degree in four months.

Going Down

  • Helen Clark’s chances of being Secretary General of the UN.
  • Vinyl Bar.
  • The amount of Russian athletes in the Olympics.
  • Taylor Swift’s career.
  • Hamilton lawyers still trying to argue that being drunk and saying “no” still equals consent.

 

Fake Interview: Bill Clinton

Tell us who you’re wearing?

A blue Hugo Boss suit because I need to make it extra clear that I’m a democrat. Shoes by Gucci, and my cologne is ‘Infidelity’ by Armani.

When will your Vogue cover issue come out?

I’ll be on the Christmas issue, standing in my perfect modern kitchen, ‘preparing’ a five course meal for my family because that’s what a good husband should do.

What design will you pick for the First Gentleman’s china set?

It will be a lovely all dark blue design with a few little white spots on it.

What will your main role be as First Gentleman?

Chief Party Officer and provider of sick saxophone solos.

Kanye or Kendrick?

Fleetwood Mac.

Do you have any advice for Hillary from one president to potentially another?

Don’t support a war in the Middle East, don’t support bad trade treaties, don’t do anything illegal… oh wait….

 

Humdingers

A couple in their mid-40s were arrested on Monday night for getting it on in the Timaru Warehouse carpark. The couple were spotted by a member of the public, who wrote online afterwards that they were “disgusting pigs.” Don’t fret, the next hottest hookup spot for your Tinder dates has been found.

‘Bernie or Bust’ supporters hatched a smelly plot at the Democratic National Convention (DNC) to only feed the delegates voting for Sanders baked beans in order to create a “Fart-In” protest. They hoped that delegates would release toots of methane gas in protest over Clinton’s nomination inside the convention hall. Turns out Clinton’s email scandal won’t be the stinkiest thing at the DNC.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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