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July 31, 2016 | by  | in SINGLE SAD POSTGRAD |
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The Coldest Man In All Of Sweden

Once upon a time there was a faraway kingdom called Stockholm. Within Stockholm lived an Ice King, who was the coldest man in all the land. Long ago, before his heart froze over, he dated a super cool princess from a less faraway kingdom called Wellington. We will call her “Sharon.” Now, Sharon was planning a trip to visit several faraway places near Stockholm, and thought it would be nice to say hello to him. After all it wasn’t every day she flew halfway around the world. However, Sharon did not know that he was now the Ice King, she had only known him in his past life, as the warm-blooded Prince Cool Guy. So she got on the plane, oblivious to what lay ahead.

Upon landing Sharon felt nervous, but ready to see the Ice King after so long. They arranged to meet for dinner with a few of their other Stockholm-based friends. When Sharon arrived, the others were already there and warmly greeted her. Everyone was happy to see each other. The Ice King was the last to arrive, and acknowledged her as much as a used tissue. His new identity as the Ice King was beginning to show. He explained that he was handing in his thesis soon, hence his stress. The beautiful, kind, and understanding Sharon gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him she’d visit the kingdom of Copenhagen until he handed it in.

Sharon had a wonderful time in the Danish kingdom, eating more than her fair share of danishes and narrowly escaped death as she terrorised the streets on an uncontrollable rental bike. As her last day in Copenhagen came around, she contacted the Ice King. “Hello, I’m coming back to Stockholm tomorrow! It would be great to catch up with you before I leave,” she sent. Poor Sharon, she had no idea that the Ice King was about to reveal his frozen, lifeless heart to her! “That would’ve been great, but I’m actually on the train to Gothenburg now.” Gothenburg! On the train! Sharon could not believe it. Her ex was fleeing Stockholm. She had flown 18,000km and he couldn’t stay put for one more day. He had Benjamin Button-ed into a big baby and was now crawling away from her at 200km per hour.

Sharon was shocked at the extremity and returned to Stockholm jaded and confused. Her memories of him as Prince Cool Guy now seemed imaginary. At least the never-ending Scandinavian dusk made for a very scenic place to sob. Picking herself up, she sought solace in non-manchild friends, cured salmon, and modern art.

In a final message to him, Sharon eloquently and reasonably told off the Ice King for his rudeness and childishness. She then left the kingdom of Stockholm for that of Budapest, where cheap cocktails, thermal baths, and cheese-filled pastries restored her to her usual cool, fun self. She went on to live happily ever after. And as for the Ice King, he started balding and never, ever experienced true love again.

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