Viewport width =
September 11, 2016 | by  | in Women's Group |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Body Feels

Like many others, the insecurities of my body are evident. Whether it is in my self-loathing tweets made in the early hours, or in the various scars physically evident on my body. They are all part of a long (and continuous) struggle of self-love. I can remember the exact moment I started to dislike my body. I was in primary school, around nine years old, and my mum had finally bought me this pleated, ankle length, grey skirt that I had always wanted to wear to class. It didn’t fit. I pinched my stomach and mimicked words I had heard my mother and aunty say in conversations where they did the same. “I need to go on a diet.” Looking back this was probably the first time I viewed my body as something separate to who I was. It wasn’t doing what I needed it to do. My body needed fixing. It was flawed. It was the start of an unhealthy decline into body dysmorphia.

Since then I have put my body under immense stress and pressure. Constantly yo-yoing in weight, losing and gaining up to 20 kilos in a matter of months. I have hacked at my hair, had my skin tattooed, harmed myself, and constantly have varying bruises and new scars. Mental illness, combined with contracting bad habits, continuously negotiate how far I am willing to push my body. Minor instances such as staying up until 7am, or chain smoking whilst drinking with friends, start to take there toll.

However nowadays when I see myself in a disappointing light, instead of remembering my peers, ex-lovers, and even strangers who have commented negatively on body, I try to imagine it as a landscape. Like the Port Hills: various bumps and mounds, contours with stretch marks running across them. My body is evidence of my history; it has the ability to change and adapt, and I am grateful for that.

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Add Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Recent posts

  1. Hello!
  2. Misc
  3. On Optimism
  4. Speak for yourself
  5. JonBenét
  6. Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori
  7. 2016 Statistics
  8. I Wrote for Salient for Four Years for Dick and Free Speech
  9. Stop Liking and Commenting on Your Mates’ New Facebook Friendships
  10. Victoria Takes Learning Global
pink

Editor's Pick

Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening