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September 18, 2016 | by  | in Stressed, Depressed and Well-Dressed |
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How not to dress for various social situations based upon life experiences I may or may not have had: Part II

Transition from post-sexual endeavour to Friday morning tutorial

Let’s be real, how often do you actually attend this class? Will you really fail the paper if you don’t go, just this once? Would it even be that bad if you did fail, subsequently prolonging your degree, and with it the alarming frequency of your quarter-life crises, and the amount of time you can blatantly ignore the fact that you’ll likely never be able to pay back your ever-increasing student loan? Is this a reality you want to face at any point in the near future? Wouldn’t you rather just skip the tute, in favour of cleansing yourself of residual bodily fluids and Eau de “second-hand cologne X post-sex aroma” using your flatmate’s Lush body-wash whilst they’re in a lecture (sucker)? Nobody is stupid enough to believe that your slept-in, flaking eyeliner and smudged brows were a conscious sartorial decision. Don’t do this to yourself.

First non-date because you have a boyfriend, but kinda date because he’s really fucking cute, but also this is totally platonic and fine

The key here is to seemingly-effortlessly look absolutely-ridiculously attractive, while maintaining an appearance of really not caring less. Never reveal the fact that you spent the past 17.5 hours since he asked you out staring into the void that is your four overfilled clothing racks complaining about having nothing to wear, before proceeding to try on every single item of clothing you own, flinging them into piles on the floor, sitting topless amongst the chaos, complaining about various aspects of your body for at least an hour, then snapchatting outfit options to 100 of your closest friends + mother, and (now ex) boyfriend (lol).

Spontaneously meeting the parents and seven year old child, without blatantly coming off as the teenage trophy girlfriend

This situation was never going to be even remotely okay, whether I was dressed in a sequinned bikini or a nun’s habit. I, however, don’t imagine that the ‘mesh shirt, no bra’ aspect helped.

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