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Virginity is a stupid term that should be discarded for many reasons. The term implies a boring and restrictive definition of sex (e.g. penis-in-vagina is the legitimate way to fuck), it is tied up with conservative and misogynistic beliefs about women’s purity, and it ties people’s worth to their sexual experiences (e.g. have you lost your virginity yet?).
We’re told that “losing your virginity” should be a grand narrative; a significant event. But maybe you just fucked someone in the backseat of your car and it was mundane and awkward. Maybe you didn’t love the person, but they were in the right place at the right time.
Let’s scrap the term virginity and call it your first sexual experience—whatever that means for you. If it hasn’t happened yet you are probably feeling some kind of anxiety and pressure. It sucks and it’s hard to avoid, but here’s a Q & A in the hopes of alleviating your fears:
What if you don’t know how to do it? You might not be great at first, but you will be able to do the sex stuff and it will get better with time.
What if you don’t like it? What if you’re not straight? Great! Then you’ll learn more about yourself and your sexual preferences, to make it better next time.
What if it’s really awkward? You’ll get over it and you’ll learn to laugh it off. It will get better.
What if the person judges you for your inexperience? Then (don’t) fuck them. Seriously, if someone is judging you for this they are likely not worth your time.
What if the sex is bad? Maybe they’re not a good sexual partner, so find a new one. Maybe it will get better with time.
Is there something wrong with you because you haven’t done it yet? There is no deadline to meet, there are many more people in your position than you’d think, and the only thing that matters is whether you feel comfortable and ready.
What will happen afterwards? It’s best to communicate beforehand about what your expectations are: is this a one off or is it something more?
How will you feel after? Hopefully a lot less anxious and keen to do more of this sex stuff, and with a better idea about what you’re looking for.
Who should I have sex with? Someone with whom you have mutual trust and respect. Someone who is going to listen and be attentive to you.