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October 8, 2016 | by  | in SINGLE SAD POSTGRAD |
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If you’ve ever seen the show Ugly Betty you’ll know that America Ferrera is off-show incredibly beautiful and the makeup crew had to try really hard to make her look “ugly.” The same with the first part of the Princess Diaries where, even through her bushy hair and monobrow, Anne Hathaway is obviously prettier than most people.

Has it been the same with Single Sad Postgrad then? Has this been a Lonelygirl15 situation where I’ve led you to believe that I have a very dull, lonely life when in fact it’s all been made up? That each column has been typed out by my Patrick Dempsey-lookalike boyfriend whom I dictate them to? That I am in fact a social butterfly and that I’ve gotten each idea from laughing at people who are sadder and lonelier than myself?

Let’s begin with ‘single’. Although this part is true, I unbiasedly cannot believe that it is. Sure, perhaps I am emotionally unavailable and likely to feign sleep instead of returning oral. But if you just took the time to know me then you’d learn that my apartment has a rainfall shower and a fridge that makes ice. What more could you want?

Secondly, ‘sad’. Well if ‘sad’ means crying in every single movie for no apparent reason and feeling a constant emptiness due to a loss of any form of thrill in life then, sure, I’m ‘sad’! Haha! And if by ‘sad’ you mean feeling an overwhelming Sartrean-nausea all the time and only finding blips of joy through schadenfreude then, hell yeah, I’m the saddest girl in town! Lmaoo!

So unfortunately no, there is no twist ending where everything has been fictitious. It’s all, sadly for me, very real. I have purely used this student magazine as my personal diary. If you’ve been here for the whole ride, or even a single sentence, then thank you from whatever is left of my starved heart. It hasn’t been a very exciting ride, lacking in drama and hot romantic leads, so for that I apologise. I was really rooting for Tom Hardy to swoop in as well. But at least for you it’s just a quick read from time to time, whereas for me the lackluster storyline is my entire life! Haha!

So what’s next? I have absolutely no idea. For the first time in six years I have to actively think about What To Do With My Life, which I have been dealing with by repressing all thoughts that regard my future. Romantic prospects remain at zero and in a worse state than the beginning of this year if anything, because at least back then I had delusional hope instead of what I have now, crushed crushes. But hey! At least I have the new season of Survivor! Everything will be fine!

So goodbye my reader, goodbye my friend. Hopefully it’s come across that “Single Sad Postgrad” is clearly a sarcastic, over-the-top, moniker because obviously the writer is “I Can’t Believe She’s Single, Definitely Not Sad, Seems Like A Really Cool Postgrad.”

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Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening