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March 3, 2017 | by  | in Shit Chat |
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Shit Chat

I cannot believe that Salient is indulging my narcissism and giving me a platform from which to talk shit. The moniker Shit Chat isn’t (just) a show of self-deprecation to offset the auto-fellatio inherent in having a public platform to talk about yourself. It’s a genuine disclaimer. This column is inspired by those super shit chats you have at 3am with someone at the party who’s just a bit too pinged to form a coherent sentence but won’t fucking stop spouting half-assed meta-trash (I’m that guy).


my nihilism is crooked and roses are red

I keep a framed picture of Hilz by my bed

I love women. I love women loving women. But as I booked flights to hang out with two of my exes’ exes I realised that while I love women, I also really love to piss off men; and nothing pisses a man off quite like when women refuse to shit on each other for his benefit. Some of the most meaningful friendships I’ve made this year came about when women supported each other through a really McShitty situation. If I can support some pretty fucking phenomenal women while also getting under some entitled dickhead’s skin, then count me the fuck in you know.

roses are red and violets are blue

you like my face natural, why not my pits too?

It’s as if people like this (check yourself white men) (also @ u white women, I’m still not over your betrayal of Hillary) never question the assumption that whatever they say out loud will be taken seriously: “Oh, you’re not a smoker,” as I’m standing there, Minding My Own Damn Business. Oh, I’m sorry Richard, was it my generation that advertised tobacco as a surefire way to Lead Her Around By The Nose? Oh, you don’t like women in dark lipsticks? Oh, we should be thinner/fatter/quieter/more confident? Well I don’t want to have to keep explaining to men why I want autonomy over my own body, but alas we don’t always get the things that we want.

blue eyes, white privilege; buttercups are gold

tattoos are unladylike? colour me sold

If you’re reading this (thanks for persevering) and thinking “god you’re overthinking this, we’re just sharing our opinions,” listen: little things are indicative of a bigger picture. The little things like boys telling you “you should wear your hair down more often” enable the bigger things, like how apparently Family First is genuinely content with going down in history as the raging dumpster fire of an organisation that tried to stop people from taking a piss in their school bathroom. Their “Ask Me First” campaign is just a circle-jerk of Traditional Family Values. I mean, for fuck’s sake just let people piss where they’re comfortable pissing? “Nobody asked me first!” Fuckin keen spotting there Laura, that’s because, shockingly, it’s none of your damn business!

orchids are white and orgasms are cool

but let’s take a nap to make me drool

I don’t hate men, but I love women. I don’t hate men, but men need to do better. This wave of feminism is so difficult to ride because it’s arguably less tangible than the wave before ours; how do you fight the gender pay gap when you’re still trying to convince men that it’s real?


Just, try not to be a dick, ok? Love u, xoxo

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