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April 3, 2017 | by  | in Horoscope |
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Horoscope

*Aubergine and Celeste hope their readers are feeling refreshed after last week’s new moon in Aries*

 

Aries: March 21–April 19

This is your time, friend! Stick to your gunz! This is the start of a six-month cycle of getting back to you, so get to work on any solo projects you’ve been dreaming up. Plan some tight looks to try out after Venus gets her sweet arse out of retrograde on the 15th.

 

Taurus: April 20–May 20

Expressive Mercury is in your sign until the 20th of this month my lovely earth friend! Time for some introspection and personal healing. Tweet your truth, but do this before Sunday when Mercury goes into retrograde.

 

Gemini: May 21–June 20

This is a rare time of intuition and compassion for you lol. Write down your ideas and dreams! This week focus on your professional image (gr8 excuse to go shopping, imo). Gentle reminder to be friendly at work.

 

Cancer: June 21–July 22

Hey dreamboat, you’re super charming right now so get your hot ass out and network! Watch your mouth at work though Crab, don’t make weird/vaguely insulting jokes no one gets. And most importantly, please, don’t screw the crew.

 

Leo: July 23–August 22

You are a career superstar for the next two weeks my hot fire friend. Want a promotion? You got it. This is the time for parties! You might meet someone who you can collab with on something cool.

 

Virgo: Aug 23–Sep 22

You’ve got control of your life sweet honey child! You’ll have plenty of chances to be adventurous Virgin, you’re super popular right now — but don’t get distracted by that hottie! You need to get all your ducks in a row by Sunday.

 

Libra: Sep 23–Oct 22

You are about to do a major collab @ work this week (think you are Malik Jordan, and your boss is Drake). Listen to your heart, it’s gonna drive you through this time, and just hold on cause YOU are going home.

 

Scorpio: Oct 23–Nov 21

The sun is in your house of work this week: YES! Sweet Scorpion it is time for you to work x6. You will be killin’ it this week, which might get you some haters but you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

Sagittarius: Nov 22–Dec 21

It’s time to branch out and show your ever creative nature at work this week. Maybe instead of presenting a presentation you could write a song about the topic, but we are just spitballing here.

 

Capricorn: Dec 22–Jan 21

Time for your smart-arse self to give some hot takes that will save the day at work. The 10th and 11th are your time to kill it and we are very proud of all that you will achieve.

 

Aquarius: Jan 22–Feb 19

Make the best of this fortnight, my pal! Fuck your boss for a promotion or finally curse out the dick who complains about the coffee. Viva la revolution.

(This guest horoscope brought to you by Madame Aura)+

 

Pisces: Feb 19–Mar 20

M8, you’re known as a bit of a shit talker, but this fortnight you gotta walk the walk, buddy. Your work might not pay off career-wise, but you will be respected for the effort you put in.

 

P.S. We thank the “constructive criticism” from our anonymous letter writer, and will strive to read at least three magazine horoscopes (That’s Life, Lucky Break, AND Women’s Weekly) a week to appease your concerns. xx

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