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May 1, 2017 | by  | in Horoscope |
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★ ° . .    . ☾ °☆  . * ● HOROSCOPES ★ ° :.  . • ○ ° ★  .  * .

As they say, mo’ money, mo’ problems, so thank you baby boomers for having free tertiary education and then taking away our right to do the same. Find out what is going to happen with the last of your $$ in this fortnight’s horoscope section.

 

Taurus: Apr 20–May 20

WOW, you are going to start a new relationship (romantic or otherwise) this month which is going to bring in the cash. Seekingarrangements.com anyone?

 

Gemini: May 21–Jun 20

Oh it’s going to be an unpleasant one for you this month in terms of money, Gems. Trying to please anyone won’t work and you just need to buckle down and save, we’re sorry.

 

Cancer: Jun 21–Jul 22

All these planetary retrogrades have given you a real hit of male and female energies this week and so you will have LOTS of friends and “love” partners but no money.

 

Leo: Jul 23–Aug 22

All the planets are arguing over you this week and this means it is a time for ~RADICAL~ change so money is really the least of your worries. DON’T light your life on fire.

 

Virgo: Aug 23–Sep 22

Some of our “research” said that it’s a gr8 time to be you. You are full of self love and it is time to channel that love into money making activities. <3

 

Libra: Sep 23–Oct 22

There is some activity in your house of earning which is really impeding upon your ability to make $$, but don’t worry, your rich friends will have your back because they all love you because you’re really nice.

 

Scorpio: Oct 23–Nov 21

So apparently the universe provides you with the “impetus” for financial action this fortnight. Idk what that means but if you do then fuckin’ go for it m8.

 

Sagittarius: Nov 22–Dec 21

There’s just so much shit going on with the planets right now that you are irritated, and everyone is irritated, and so you need to book a spontaneous trip to Thailand and/or post Instagrams of sunsets with cryptic captions. Live. Laugh. Love.

 

Capricorn: Dec 22–Jan 19

The universe will ~guide~ how you spend your money this week, but the important thing is that it’s time to invest all your hard earned capital. May I suggest one egg sandwich from Wishbone?

 

Aquarius: Jan 20–Feb 18

Aquarius, you have to be the boring one who turns down Friday BYOs this month because you are in saving mode. Put down the mi goreng and Fat Bird sav and pick up a sense of responsibility for once in your goddamn life.

 

Pisces: Feb 19–Mar 20

There is activity in your house of debt, which means *someone* forgot to pay a bill. Looks like you will be living without internet/power this week… so it’s lucky Salient is printed.

 

Aries: Mar 21–Apr 19

One of the horoscopes we read said your finances are “no laughing matter” and that you really need to sort out your debts. Which is true, please do that.

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