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May 15, 2017 | by  | in Horoscope |
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HOROSCOPES

Nothing says liberal student magazine like an amalgamation of star signs and political commentary! So here are your horoscopes for the week, which have been inexplicably combined with an MP who shares your star sign to see how their life can inspire your’s.

 

Taurus: Apr 20–May 20 Andrew Little

Bulls are known for being stubborn, so show off your skills this week by embracing your inner  Angry Andy and scowling at anyone who isn’t in a union. #scabs

 

Gemini: May 21–Jun 20 Todd Barclay

It’s time to shoot for the stars! Jazz up your life like fellow Gemini Todd, who transformed from a tobacco lobbyist to a completely partisan politician. Amazing!

 

Cancer: Jun 21–Jul 22 David Seymour

Who are you? What are you doing? These are some questions that Crabs are pretty used to hearing. Take inspiration from Seymour who is never afraid to be his tax-hating, strange-Snapchat-sending self!

 

Leo: Jul 23–Aug 22   Jacinda Ardern/John Key

The forecast for Leos this fortnight is that you should really get into politics because you will instantly be the most popular and charismatic MP of your party.

 

Virgo: Aug 23–Sep 22 Annette King

If you’re hoping to live forever, then congratulations! Embrace your inner Annette King this week and settle in for a long ride in a stable job that you really enjoy for the rest of your life.

 

Libra: Sep 23–Oct 22 Rob Muldoon

Oh boy. Libras are known for working hard for their money, and Muldoon certainly made the ENTIRE country do that. Make sure you sometimes think about other people though, or you too could become the country’s least popular PM of all time.

 

Scorpio: Oct 23–Nov 21 Jan Logie/Grant Robertson

Not going to lie here my Scorpios, you definitely came out tops in the “cool MPs to share a star sign with” competition. What a testament to your unfaltering determination to always do what you think is right at any cost.

 

Sagittarius: Nov 22–Dec 21 :’’(

I spent 15 minutes on Google and couldn’t find a single NZ politician born under Sagittarius. Probably because y’all are too busy being wild cards. Keep all your friends guessing this week by piercing your eyebrow.

 

Capricorn: Dec 22–Jan 19 Bill English

Maybe you too will be surprised with a new really big job that you failed at last time! Don’t worry though, as long as you make absolutely no substantive actions in the new job then no one will care…

 

Aquarius: Jan 20–Feb 18 Gerry Brownlee

Aquarians are independent thinkers who take little notice of other people’s opinions of them. But take a leaf from Gerry’s book this week and avoid speaking out against your superior on the Israel/Palestine crisis. Idk though, you do you.

 

Pisces: Feb 19–Mar 20 Judith Collins

Pisces are known to be sensitive and caring souls, which is why everyone loves you. But this week, take some inspo from your star sign bestie Crusher Collins by taking a concrete pill and hardening up a little.

 

Aries: Mar 21–Apr 19 Steven Joyce

Your star sign match is reflective of your resilience and ability to bounce back from any trouble! Just like that dildo bounced back off of Steven Joyce’s face, for example ;)

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