Viewport width =
July 17, 2017 | by  | in Horoscope |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

HOROSCOPES

We hope you are feeling emotionally healed after the full moon on July 9, a nice university break, and the release of Lorde’s Melodrama.

— Aubergine and Celeste

 

Cancer: Jun 21–Jul 22

Retrograde planets are absolutely ruining your emotional stability, which isn’t good at the best of times anyway. It is a time to get innovative though, if that is something.

 

Leo: Jul 23–Aug 22  

Hey Leos, look like you’re realising that other people are sort of important for once. You will focus on your family and the pursuit of a greater set of beliefs this fortnight.

 

Virgo: Aug 23–Sep 22

Here’s to your health gal pal, ’cause it is really the only positive thing our celestial overpowers are bringing you this week. Keep hooning that #quinoa #smoothie #vegan #livelaughlove life!

 

Libra: Sep 23–Oct 22

That agonisingly slow-forming love relationship will continue to slowly form, but is it really worth it? Lucky your sign is a scale because it means you’re really good at weighing up decisions!!

 

Scorpio: Oct 23–Nov 21

Saturn and Mars really have it in for your health and career this fortnight, but don’t worry, at least Jupiter has some financial treats planned. Look at Saturn and Mars as your distant parents, and Jupiter’s riches as the open ended credit card they give you to try and compensate.

 

Sagittarius: Nov 22–Dec 21

No one is having luck in love this sun star cycle, but you are having less luck than most. Embrace the lack of a love life by investing all your emotional and physical energy into work because love doesn’t matter and it’s all a lie and in the end all that matters is getting a good degree and love can come later right?

 

Capricorn: Dec 22–Jan 19

Horny certainly has a double entendre for you this fortnight Capricorns (get it — like sexually active, and your star sign is a goat)! As always we would like to take this time to remind everyone that contraception is freely available from Student Health, Evolve, and Ivy.

 

Aquarius: Jan 20–Feb 18

Pluto isn’t even a real planet anymore, but rest assured it can still fuck with your career growth this month. Sorry.

 

Pisces: Feb 19–Mar 20

You are an absolute emotional rollercoaster this fortnight, but in a charismatic and magnetic way. Stay creative, stay true, stay you.

 

Aries: Mar 21–Apr 19

Moods are fluctuating this fortnight for you, especially as the Sun and Mars create a “petulant energy.” Luckily, your moody ass will have lots of money to spend on angsty things because the stars are reeling in the cash for you.

 

Taurus: Apr 20–May 20

Your love life is going to continue to be agonisingly non-existent, so distract yourself from that by embracing the fact that your career is going to go okay. That’s all the stars have for you, we are very sorry.

 

Gemini: May 21–Jun 20

You know how the old saying goes: “who needs love when Saturn is realigning your money and career strategies.” A very reputable source says you should invest in the stock market.

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. Issue 20, Vol 81: CW: Tits & Bits
  2. Food Sex
  3. A (Selective and By No-Means all-Encompassing) Look at Neo-Soul
  4. A Love Song
  5. Doing It
  6. Top 5 Sexiest TV Shows I I Was Too Young to be Watching But I Did Anyway
  7. My Dad Wrote A Porno
  8. NT: Te Ara Tauira
  9. Sexing up the Hub: Condoms, Clits & Suzy Cato
  10. The Lifts Are Always One Step Ahead
Website-Cover-Photo7

Editor's Pick

This Ain’t a Scene it’s a Goddamned Arm Wrestle

: Interior – Industrial Soviet Beerhall – Night It was late November and cold as hell when I stumbled into the Zhiguli Beer Hall. I was in Moscow, about to take the trans-Mongolian rail line to Beijing, and after finding someone in my hostel who could speak English, had decided