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August 7, 2017 | by  | in Opinion |
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Know Your Mind… and Mind Your Own Business

Welcome to Victoria University, an institution for the socially unengaged. Individuality and egoism have replaced collectivism and community so much that it is hip to avoid interaction altogether. No longer must people suffer the burden of looking out for one another. In this so-called welcoming and widely diverse society, it is polite now to simply keep to yourself and let people be. So here is the protocol of social (dis)connection:

Here at Victoria, personal space is of high value to most individuals. You should acknowledge this by avoiding sitting next to people in lectures unless you have to. In fact, sitting as far away from them as possible will surely highlight your politeness. Demonstrate your courteousness even further by not greeting fellow students or thanking teachers, as these good manners will probably just take up their time. Sitting next to someone you don’t know and having the audacity to talk to them is invasive and creepy.

Secondly, you must be stimulated if you are alone, as it is vulnerable to appear lonely. When by yourself, you should pretend to be busy on your phone so as to signal to others that you do have friends, but that they’re just not with you at the moment. That’s right, you need to appear self-confident and standoffish. Look like you’re in a hurry to get somewhere if you have to, because nobody will disturb you then. By appearing too cool for new relationships, you’ll not only make others green with envy, but you’ll also avoid having to care for someone other than yourself.

Smiling at and making eye contact with others are not tolerated at Victoria, unless you know them well enough to tag them in memes. Doing so will make you appear desperate and overly cheerful. Likewise, coughing should only be carried out in a way that shames others for eating their sushi too loudly in the silent study spaces. Talking is also generally frowned upon, unless it is done in a classroom context and you are tasked by the tutor to talk to the person sitting next to you. When the tutor suggests that the class should partake in an icebreaker, an obligatory sigh, moan, or groan at the cringe-worthiness of their suggestion will be quietly appreciated. Talking exposes your unique and interesting personality; it brings out your warmth in a society where it is trendier to appear cold.

If you’re still struggling to find ways to show off your self-absorption, fashion will definitely provide you with a helping hand. Wear any clothing you like so long as it’s overpriced and condescending, and keep far away from the less affluent dressers. Add a smug and toffee-nosed demeanour to your ensemble and you’ll be sure to hide the unwanted compassion and goodwill you have deep down inside.

Whether you want to or not, some of you may get through the day without speaking a word to anyone. Keep your knowledge, life experience, and affability locked away and unnoticed for nobody to experience. Some individuals may slip through the cracks by trying to interact with others on account of being friendless and in need. Don’t let this be you. Stand back from these individuals and let the mental health system take care of them. Otherwise, they can always take care of themselves, right?

Follow this advice and keep up with the latest antisocial trends. Among all the individuals in our individualised institution, you will undoubtedly stand alone. How self-satisfying that must feel.

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