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September 25, 2017 | by  | in Horoscope |
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HOROSCOPES

Celeste is MIA this week, because Aubergine forgot to tell them that horoscopes are due, so Aubergine has to speed write these under the light of the #moon and #stars. Readers can enjoy their life in this new left wing government (#psychic) by finding out what their star sign’s summer bevvo is.

— Aubergine

 

Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): Three cans of Garage Project beer at a party in Aro Valley

You’re peaceful, you definitely voted Greens, and you have also definitely always wanted to play the acoustic guitar. Hope the bitterness of your craft beer doesn’t end up tainting your wholesome personality.

 

Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): A whole goon of Smirnoff vodka cranberry

Your tough exterior is sort of like the box of the goon, while your soft sensitive inside is sort of like the goon sack. But goon sacks are useless unless they are opened and the sweet goon/emotions pour out you know what I’m saying? #metaphorical.

 

Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): A box of those mini QF shots

You’re that friend who always rocks up with a box of these bad boys because that’s just the kind of person you are. You don’t always make the most appropriate or sensible decisions, but there’s no denying that those decisions lead to you having a hell of a good time.

 

Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): Bourbon and Coke

Idk man there’s just something about you that has always seemed bogan. It’s summer so grab that goat by the horns and grow the mullet of your dreams.

 

Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): A bottle and a half of Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc

You’re fun, quirky, horrible, and trashy. No matter how much people try though, they always end up crawling back when they need you/when they only have $20 and want to go to a BYO cause Chad will be there.

 

Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): Jagerbomb

Nothing says fun like a drink that tastes like cough syrup and the recommended sugar intake for one adult for the week. You’re intuitive, and that means that you know it’s economical to order a drink that gets you both drunk and HYPE on all that sugar/guarana.

 

Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19): Absinthe

No one can say that spending time with you is going to be boring and/or a good idea, our Absinthe (f)A(i)ries! (niche joke for those of you well versed in liquor nicknames or Moulin Rouge). Embrace your inner courage that absinthe brings out, but for the love of god please don’t actually drink absinthe.

 

Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): Warm Double Browns

You’re best enjoyed outdoors around a barbie with the m8s, so people have space to walk away when you get just a bit too much. The whole country shouldn’t love you but there is something quintessentially comfortable about you… so bottoms up!

 

Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): Purple Goanna 7%

This one goes without saying, Geminis. Who are you, but who aren’t you? The enigma of all enigmas… the legend of legends.

 

Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): Parklane Gin & Tonic

You’re bubbly, you’re sweet, and you have an uncanny ability to make anyone cry in a club bathroom.

 

Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22): Tequila shot at 3am

You’re a tequila shot in Estab at 3am, but if the bar had run out of lemons and salt and so you just do the shot straight. Most people would say “Wow, don’t do that, that’s such a terrible idea,” but you always know better, don’t you?

 

Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): Only port or sherry

It will have just been your birthday, so you’re a year older and now can only drink things that old people drink. Like sherry and port. Just remember that life is fleeting. And pass the port to the left.

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