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October 16, 2017 | by  | in TV |
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Married at First Sight New Zealand

Formerly one of Australia’s most successful reality shows, especially given the country won’t even legalise gay marriage because of the “sanctity” of the whole thing, New Zealand now has its very own version of Western arranged marriages! Married at First Sight New Zealand is here, and it is the most excruciatingly painful reality show I have ever seen. It takes twelve singles who just want to settle down and get married because that’s what society has instructed them to do to achieve “happiness”, and makes them get legally married five minutes after meeting. Then it is a just a matter of time as we wait for them to achieve aforementioned happiness through divorce.

Apparently the Married at First Sight New Zealand pairings are based on “match-making science,” but I think those scientists went to the same online college as whoever organises Are You The One? Claire wants a young hottie; she gets Dom, who is seven years older than her and looks like he is a mascot for biscuits on some local network advertising. Ben wants someone taller than him; he gets Aaron, who is at least an inch shorter. Lacey doesn’t want a bearded man; her new husband Luke has a beard. Bel is a vegetarian and pacifist; her match Haydn is a carnivorous wrestler. I would be lying if I said I didn’t just want to rant about my loathing of Bel from The Bachelor, though I suspect part of my problem lies in my jealousy of her attempts to hustle the New Zealand reality show circuit — a long-time dream of my own. I can only assume she has been explicitly warned not to talk about her cats, something that on the last season of The Bachelor caused Zac’s simple eyes to roll back into his simple head. Presumably after failing to win over Zac because the more he was around her the more boring he realized she was, Bel has decided to forego that whole bonding process and just skip to the wedding before anyone can do backsies. Upon first meeting, Bel and her match are beyond thrilled and can’t keep their hands off each other. Alas, they are both insufferable and are put through the honeymoon from hell where Haydn tries to placate her until he can escape.

On throwing group hens nights and stag dos for the contestants, the producers freaked out upon realising their gay couple could not both attend the stag do to maintain the “marrying a complete stranger” shtick — but who will be the bride?! That’s how it works, right? Ben is sent to a hens night, but that’s okay because he hates all men unless they look like him but taller and want to talk shit in the bathrooms — something he literally does five minutes into the wedding reception to escape poor lovely Aaron. After the ceremony, while Ben’s friend Alex does the dirty work and explains to Aaron that Ben was “just a shy person” Aaron watches Ben flit around the party and do the exact opposite. Aaron keeps trying to kiss Ben while his new husband just sort of retreats into his neck and bears it. Meanwhile, Claire and Dom are banging on every surface possible. Death is near.

I hope every single person attending these weddings was completely off their tits on Mediaworks-funded free booze, because I don’t know how else you could cope with all the regretful crying that the contestants and their families keep attempting to pass off as just being overwhelmed by the special day. According to Married at First Sight New Zealand, marriage is everything I expected and I, for one, welcome the alcohol.

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