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February 26, 2018 | by  | in Features |
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8 People You’ll Meet in O-Week

 

  • The Muse – The guy in your Philosophy 109 class who has very clearly never thought about anything deeper than a puddle drawn on paper, and yet never fails to find something to talk about. Conversations will be circular, and the evidence will be limited.
  • The Attention Starved Artist -The girl who plants her MacBook down next to you and types loudly with multiple frustrated sighs until you’re forced to ask her what she’s writing about – thus thrusting you headlong into the most mundane narrative you’ve ever heard in your life, featuring her as both the protagonist AND the antagonist (“It’s actually like, a metaphor. Y’know, cause I’m my own worst enemy?”)
  • The Ghost – I’m not entirely sure if this counts as a person you will meet, because the truth is, nobody ever really knows who they are. This person will turn up for the first week of your lectures and then disappear without a trace. You thought you saw them once at the back of the lecture theatre but it turned out to just be a trick of the light. When you ask around, no one seems to know who you’re talking about.
  • The Devil’s Worst Advocate – this guy has never paid attention to an authority figure IN HIS LIFE, and boy oh boy is he ready to share with the class that despite having never really received a formal education, he is smarter than your lecturer who has a Ph.D. The bonus to this guy is you will be able to watch the lecturer get more and more tired of him as the semester progresses. Karma comes for us all.
  • The Herbal Healer – this guy has got dreadlocks longer than your reading list and eyes redder than the devil’s dick, but you trust him. He’s harmless, but beware of the conspiracy theories you may be forced to entertain. It’s easier to pretend that George Bush is a lizard than to argue with someone who’s not even sure where they are.
  • The White Girl Waster – Shrill, scrawny, and slightly manic, this girl will be found loudly discussing how copiously she vomited last night. These stories will inevitably cut short as she, “like, totally blacked out after the second scrumpy”. Get her on your side, because while she may be a semi-tragic mess of a human, she knows all the bouncers, and the best ways to smuggle a bottle into a bar. You might die, but at least you’ll have fun doing it.
  • The Soft Boy – Don’t be fooled by the quiet voice and the glasses. This boy is more dangerous than the eighth Diesel on an empty stomach and you won’t even know it. He drinks his coffee black, writes poetry, and projects his emotional damage so efficiently you won’t even realise you’re not the problem until he decides he’s done with you.
  • The Backseat Bandits – Evidently, these people are getting their university tuition fully paid for (or are too stupid to realise that they are essentially selling their damn souls to be here), because they are very obvious in their not giving a shit. They will talk, laugh, snort, and buy entire new wardrobes online throughout the lecture, without so much as a glance at the world-weary lecturer who isn’t paid enough to deal with their bullshit. It can be tempting to join this crew, but just remember – this paper alone costs $900.

 

 

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