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March 19, 2018 | by  | in *News* News Splash |
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15 Things I’d Rather Do Than “Discuss With the Person Next to Me” in a Lecture

  1. Tattoo the entire National Party constitution onto my back
  2. Shit in my hands, then clap
  3. Scroll back through my ex-boyfriend’s Instagram feed and like a post from Corfu ‘06
  4. Funnel two boxes of discounted goon into my ass
  5. Remove each and every one of my own toenails with rusty pliers
  6. Willingly upload my own nudes to 4chan
  7. Proposition my boyfriend’s parents for a threesome
  8. Reenact 2 girls 1 cup (solo)
  9. Exclusively refer to my lecturer as “Daddy” for the duration of the semester
  10. Perform a 72hr one-woman-show of Shakespeare’s works in its entirety
  11. Write for Salient without a pseudonym
  12. Rail a fuck-tonne of speed then attend a meditation class
  13. Drink a litre of laxatives then initiate anal with an anonymous Tinder hook up
  14. Listen to three hours of first-year spoken-word poetry
  15. Get fingered by by that guy wearing a fedora in my CompSci class that clearly hasn’t cut his nails since ‘03
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