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March 19, 2018 | by  | in *News* |
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Awkward Silences Deafening Hall Residents

Sunday mornings have become suspiciously quiet in halls across Wellington this week, as the uncomfortable run-ins with people you furiously fucked last night have become more regular.

Without the comfort of cheap alcohol coursing through their veins, hall residents have discovered that the floormate who licked their asshole last night is actually not that interesting when their tongue is back in their mouth.

Reports of awkward closed-lip smiles and double-steps to avoid last night’s lover in the hallway have almost tripled since last year, perhaps due to the fact that tuition is now free, and love feels freer still.

The cold reality of waking up naked next to a generous 3/10 in a room that smells like bourbon and B.O is slowly starting to settle in, and the silence has been reported as “deeply uncomfortable” by one resident, who given the massive hickeys on their neck, is right to not want to be identified.

The silence has been welcomed by some residents, who just want to be hungover and vomit up their mistakes in peace.

Concern has been raised however, by another resident who was quoted saying “the last thing I want on a Sunday morning when I’ve disgraced myself the night before is to be left in silence with my thoughts. I’d rather hear round two of someone else’s fuck-fest than be forced to confront the fact that I flashed my ballsack to a bouncer last night”.

It seems the silence has become a deeply polarising aspect of hall life, and whether or not it will continue seems to be up to the pulling capacities of the more successful residents.

It seems that residents are not asking for raucous conversation in the early hours, but if you’re going to fuck someone so violently that your neighbours can hear it, the least you can do is say hello when you inevitably see them the following day.

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