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March 26, 2018 | by  | in *News* News |
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Green Party to Abandon All Parliamentary Seats

In yet another well meaning but politically questionable act, the Green Party of Aotearoa New Zealand has resigned all its seats in Parliament to show solidarity with the “millions” of New Zealanders not currently in public office.

A media release dated for Monday 19 March stated that the Green Party had just become aware that as many as 4.5 million New Zealanders did not have a seat in Parliament. This was deemed “unacceptable”, and the party had decided to henceforth not sit in the House of Representatives until every other New Zealander could enjoy the same opportunity.

The same press statement said that “several” Green MPs had in fact spent time outside of Parliament, which had given them a “valuable insight” into the struggles of “ordinary, non-Parliamentary New Zealanders”. It was seen as “unfair” that less than 1% of people received generous MP salaries and the opportunity to implement legislative change, so the Green Party has decided to recuse itself from Parliament until all New Zealanders have a seat in the House.Screenshot 2018-03-25 14.18.27Image: A man’s face behind the words “I don’t know what a Green Party Kaupapa is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask”.

The move, described as “strong, brave, and caring” by Green Party leader James Shaw and “completely fucking mental” by Deputy Prime Minister the Rt Hon Winston Peters, comes hot on the heels of several other apparently puzzling decisions from the Green leadership. These decisions include offering all Parliamentary questions to the National Party, stopping its MPs from meeting any prospective financial backers, and donating all MP salaries to David Seymour.

In a press conference on Monday, Mr Shaw appeared proud. “We were so inspired by Metiria’s example of almost torpedoing our election campaign through a well-meaning act, and we seek to continue that legacy while we are in power.”

When pressed by reporters as to whether he was aware of any ensuing constitutional crises, Mr Shaw became more uncomfortable.

“Look, I honestly don’t know what the fuck any of us are actually supposed to do now we’re in government. I liked it when we could just be outraged at anything the government said or did every waking minute of our lives, and now all of a sudden we are the government? It just isn’t fair,” wailed Mr Shaw.

Newly appointed Leader of the Opposition Simon Bridges could not be reached for comment, but Parliamentary sources report hearing “whoops of glee” and “the sound of champagne corks” from his office.

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*

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