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March 12, 2018 | by  | in Opinion |
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Plait My Pits

So I started working this new job, right. I really like this job and I want to keep this job so for ambiguity’s sake we’re gonna call this job This Job (yes thank you I am a fountain of originality). I see a lot of dudes at This Job. A reasonable amount of older dudes. A lot of dudes whose filters disappeared about three drinks ago. And my dudes, y’all really have some thoughts about armpit hair on a girl, huh???

I’m going to start a tally of all the times my armpit hair gets commented on by dudes at This Job. One for the dude who asked me to lift up my arm as I was pouring a beer only to sneer at me in disgust (grow up, Ian, I didn’t sneer at your bald spot and that was lowhanging fruit). Add two for the dudes who old mate Ian tapped on the shoulder to come witness the utter madness that is a woman who’s armpits look just like his own. Add one for the guy who, all in the same breath, commented on my armpit hair and asked me what ‘misogyny’ meant (fucking really my dude? In 2017?). They say women aren’t funny, but two more for the couple of dudes in genuine hysterics as I cleaned tables: “oh my god look but she’s got armpit hair!!!”. What’s that, six? And that’s just one shift.

I had a very wholesome conversation with a pretty incredible friend that made me stop shaving my pits. She talked about how bodies are bodies, and about learning to love your body, and about how our natural hair is kinda beautiful, actually. There’s nothing wrong with shaving if that’s what you wanna do, but it’s wild to me how repulsed people are by something that grows naturally on our bodies.

Having said that, I’m not going to try and pretend that I don’t like shocking people with it; I love making dudes uncomfortable with my pits. You know why? Because dudes have been making me feel uncomfortable with my body hair for as long as I can recall. I remember being around 10 – barely a few light blonde hairs under my arms – and a male relative pointing out my “hairy pits” and telling me I’d have to start shaving soon. I remember boys at high school making fun of the hair on my arms, which I promptly went home and shaved. I remember an early boyfriend laughing with his friends at my expense, Sasha Beattie because at 14 I didn’t realise shaving your vagina was indicative of your worth. I remember hating shaving but having it become something I associated with femininity and with feeling pretty and with feeling worthy – worthy of what I’m not entirely sure. Ironically, when I shaved my head in seventh form a boy messaged me some shit like “whered ur hair go lol u lookd cuter with hair” well ok Chad what is the ideal amount of hair you’d like to see on your women, you’ve got my attention now, fucking dazzle me.Website-Cover-Photo5

On Tinder, a picture where it’s obvious I don’t shave my pits is a pretty good screening system; the bin bags take themselves out. This one guy told me he was intimidated by my pits because “I’m quite compedative and armpit hair is usually a competition I won comfortably with female company” (that’s a direct quote); another guy asked me if I grew them out “full time or just for a laugh,” then scrambled to explain that “no I think it’s great I have no issues with it but the thing is I have really massive issues with it” (I may be paraphrasing on this one); someone else messaged me saying “appreciate the under arm hair,” which just left me confused as to whether or not he was expecting me to appreciate his pits in return.

Top tip for men who don’t know me, and who yet feel the urge to give me their two cents on my armpit hair – don’t. That’s the thing, whether your reaction is good or bad or somewhere in between, I didn’t ask. Your approval or lack thereof means jack shit to me, Craig. You’re nearing the end of your forties drinking alone in a club and your moustache is shit, Craig. Unless I bring it up or it otherwise comes up organically, stick to small chat about the weather and let me live my fucking life, Craig.

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