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March 19, 2018 | by  | in *News* News Splash |
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Wellington Experiences Fruit Burst Shortage After Clubs Week at Vic

Great grieving has commenced across Wellington as a Fruit Burst shortage has hit the capital. The dearth is widely attributed to “Clubs Week” at Victoria University of Wellington.

Pascall, owned by Mondelez International, distributes 500 kilograms of Fruit Bursts across the country each week, and is largely responsible for the number of students joining student associations during Clubs Week at Vic.

“Yeah, I use the bait method to make people talk to me,” said Hoon Dara, leader of the niche Trotsky society. “I bought eight kilos. It’s a metaphor for capitalism, see—”

This Salient reporter was not ready to hear about Fruit Bursts as a metaphor for capitalism, and abruptly ended the interview.

The week of 5 March 2018, Fruit Bursts were impossible to find in supermarkets, as they had been purchased in bulk by clubs at Vic.

“It’s been a nightmare. People ringing me up, saying that their toddler won’t sleep without three banana Fruit Bursts before bed. I mean, that’s the worst flavour,” said a spokesperson from Pascall.

“I put three lime Fruit Bursts into my green smoothie each morning,” said a person who wished to be identified as Kleen E. Ting. “It’s fruit, so they’re sugar-free. But I’m a shadow of myself without them. It’s been the worst week of my life.”

The official Salient position on Fruit Bursts is that red, or “strawberry” is the only flavour worth eating.

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