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April 9, 2018 | by  | in *News* |
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Balls > Compassion: The Australian Way

With “Manus Island refugees” bringing back 279,000 hits on Google next to “Australia cricket cheating” bringing back 1,160,000 hits, Australia has once again proved it cares more about playing with balls than actual breathing human beings.

The Australian Government has been sluggish to show initiative when it comes to real living people stuck fearing for their lives in figurative hell, but after a ball tampering scheme was uncovered during the Australian cricket team’s third test match against South Africa in March, a national referendum on the moral authority of the one of Australia’s oldest institutions immediately took place.

Ex-Australia captain Steve Smith and batsman Cameron Bancroft have been handed one-year bans, after Bancroft was caught on camera using sandpaper to tamper with his ball. Similar to any other Australian male caught on camera rubbing a ball, Bancroft subsequently put it back in his trousers and acted like nothing happened.

Lauded as the bastions of fair play, mostly by other white Australians, the scandal has caused diplomatic crises both at home and abroad. Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull expressed his disappointment in the team in early April, calling it “the beginning of the end”.

“The House and the public will forgive a lot of things because they don’t really care about them, take the situation in Papua New Guinea for example. But to be associated with a ball-tampering scandal? I’ll be replaced before Steve Smith’s ban is up.”

No one can corroborate if Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern will expel any Australian diplomats at this stage.

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