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May 7, 2018 | by  | in Opinion Shit Chat |
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Dancing With Suzy, and Other Shit Chat

Once upon a time I trained in ballet and jazz, I watch too much RuPaul’s Drag Race, and I tend to have a robust opinion on everything. It makes sense then, that I am an intolerable person with which to watch Dancing with the Stars. Who on God’s green earth are 70% of these  kiwi “celebrities”? Why is the entire introductory dance so fucking uncomfortable? MARAMA FOX WEARING SILVER LEOPARD PRINT WIELDING A PATU FUCK MY SHIT RIGHT UP?

Without further ado, 50 thoughts I had watching the first two episode of Dancing with the Stars New Zealand:

Episode 1: Robert Rakete, Jess Quinn, Chris Harris, Gilda Kirkpatrick, Marama Fox, Shav Ruakere, Sam Hayes

  1.    Fuck me I love/hate NZ television.
  2.    OK so Dai Henwood is the host that makes sense he’s one of approx. (3) household names in NZ but who tf is his co-host? How is she relevant? Why do I care?
  3.    I googled her: Sharyn from The Edge, sis, fire your stylist. Naomi Campbell herself couldn’t pull off that shapeless metallic monstrosity.
  4.    Who tf is Robert Rakete??
  5.    Robert Rakete: The Brown Wiggle. Is this a nickname he’s given himself?? Is NZ that chill with a bit of casual racism???
  6.    Ohhh he literally was a wiggle who wore a brown jumper. I still have so many questions.
  7.    Ahhh yes, how else would DWTS in NZ start other than with a samba to a god-awful Ed Sheeran cover?
  8.    I can honestly say I don’t give a single fuck what these judges have to say. Why are they here? Suzy Cato could split her costume, fall on her ass, be shredded by the judges, and we’ll still vote for the absolute legend.
  9.    Who tf is Jess Quinn??
  10.   “A social media influencer” fuck me fuck right off social media influencer my asshole goddamit I hate my own performative bullshit generation.
  11.   O SHIT SHE HAS ONE LEG AND SHE’S DANCING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?? Fuck my shit right up I take it all back, sis is a certified badass.
  12.   “Must be good if we’re getting sweaty,” girl, mood.
  13.   JESS QUINN JUST CAME FOR OUR THROATS WITH THAT RUMBA fuck it I’m calling it I’m a Jess Quinn Stan™.
  14.   Who tf is Chris Harris??
  15.   Oh god, he’s an ex-cricketer, oh dear god, “I work in a cool office in Canterbury and make up really cool ads for the people of Canterbury and all over New Zealand” the amount of secondhand embarrassment I am experiencing right now is off the charts this has hardly started and I need it to end.
  16.   Forget Rakete, Harris looks like he’s been trained in dancing like a Wiggle all his life: all disconcerting smiles and no talent.
  17.   Gilda Kirkpatrick is here to break competitors’ ankles and generally fuck shit up. Pretty weak tango, pretty strong resting bitch face, all in all sign me the fuck up for future updates.
  18.   Gilda on her rehearsal timetable: “one hour is just me sitting there feeling sorry for myself,” SIS, MOOD.
  19.   Gilda didn’t look like she tried that hard in the tango and is looking salty about not getting three 10s??? Also a very big mood.
  21.   Marama on seeing her partner: “A skinny white guy…but I told them I didn’t want you!!” haaahahahahaha adopt me Marama, please, I’m begging you.
  22.   No fucking way she’s wearing a bedazzled denim cap that says BOSS my skin is clear my anxiety is cured Marama you win let’s pack up and go home.
  23.   WhatNow alum Shav Ruakere is gonna kill this, I feel it in my bones. Damn this coupling is fire I really hope they’re boning on the side.
  24.   FUCK, THAT COSTUME, FUUUCK WHAT A BABE, my basement is well and truly flooded, damn girl indeed.
  25.   Sam Hayes looks like an actual angel. If I died right now and by some administrative error went to heaven I’m pretty sure there’d be a choir of Sam Hayes clones at the pearly gates to greet me.

Episode 2: Naz Khanjani, Roger Farrelly, David Seymour, Suzy Cato, Zac Franich

  1.    SHARYN FROM THE EDGE, SIS, FIRE YOUR STYLIST. Trying for a Lorde look with that pantsuit but ending up in reality with the exact costume my mum made for me once when I was 10 for a competition tap dance to “Everybody Wants To Be A Cat”. I literally fell into a garbage can on stage at the end of that dance.
  2.    Wow ok let’s break down these entrances. Naz: cheerleading outfit, she’s hot as fuck and capitalising on that, nice, can’t fault her.
  3.    David, mate, that was the most uncomfortable three seconds of spinning I’ve been subject to in my life, and being a borderline alcoholic that is not a low bar.
  4.    Suzy Cato: talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it.
  5.    Zac Franich off The Bachelor I………am so wildly uncomfortable with and attracted to your entire being.
  6.    Who tf is Roger Farrelly and why is he wearing a mesh singlet with his nips saying a cheeky hello??? If he was going for leather daddy realness though, he nailed it.
  7.    Farrelly’s dance partner apparently won DWTS in 2005 – you know shit is bleak when you’re reminiscing on 2005 as a better time.
  8.    Farrelly isn’t really good enough or bad enough for me to invest in. Next.
  9.    Zac Franich is going to be the hottest mess of the season, mark my words.
  10.   I know Zac is trying to look passionate in this tango, but it kinda just looks like someone just asked him to recite the nine times tables and he’s really struggling with it.
  11.   He just has the personality of cardboard packaging which is such a shame cos he’s quite nice to look at. From a distance. If you squint, and like your men inarticulate and lacking in common sense.
  12.   (Call me, Zac)
  13.   I’m late to this party apparently but ZAC IS DATING ERIN SIMPSON WHAT THE FUCK? I totally forgot who she was, they’re both totally beige and kinda a perfect match?
  14.   Disclaimer: I am very much on Team Naz. We love a Queen who’s her own biggest fan.
  15.   I figure all the dances have to be to covered songs because of copyright or something but this slowed down rendition of Shakira’s “Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)” is truly fucking horrific and I’m loathe to say it but the dancing isn’t much better. Get it together, Naz, we’re all (???) rooting for you.
  16.   David Seymour is making notes on his dances oh god he’s trying you have to give him that much.
  17.   Can’t give him much more than that though. I don’t even know where to start. Trying to dress him up like an extra on Grease? The highlight of the routine being an awkward shuffle spin around the d-floor?
  18.   Wow. Just, wow. Old Daddy Davey really fucked the pooch on this one huh.
  19.   VUWSA President Marlon Drake has picked a three-legged horse in this race with Big D. Actually I think a three-legged horse could do a better jive than Daddy just pulled out.
  23.   FUCK ME UP, SUZE.
  24.   Judges? Middling reviews. Judges? Wrong, and also stupid.
  25.   Text SUZY to 3333, don’t ask questions.
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