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May 28, 2018 | by  | in *News* |
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Draft Letter to Winnie Peters

On 14 May 2018, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern released an open letter to Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters, regarding her upcoming maternity leave. After months of reconnaissance and seduction of Arden’s intern by reporter Liam Powell, Salient presents the first draft of said letter.

Rt Hon Sir (if you play your cards right, punk) Winston Peters
Deputy Dog Prime Minister
Executive Wing
PARLIAMENT BUILDINGS
Dearest WinstonWinnieDaddy Winston
House Rulez Working arrangements during forthcoming period of great national loss absence of Prime Minister
As you know, I’m outta here like a bald man I intend to take a leave of absence this year for a period of six weeks. Thank you for begging agreeing to be Acting Grand Poobah Prime Minister during this time.
The arrangements during this time will be the same as they would during any other period in which I am away and you are sober Acting Prime Minister, but as there has been disturbingly rabid criticism of some public interest in this particular period, I am setting the arrangements out in a letter, to be published on the Beehive website and tattooed on Ron Mark’s forehead for your easy reference. A colouring-in version is to be made available for Chris Hipkins, but only give him the crayons if he uses his manners like a big boy.
As Acting Prime Minister, you will exercise the super rad functions and powers of the Prime Minister, in consultation with me where appropriate, particularly where matters of significant political, strategic, or public interest, or national security arise. I will continue to receive Cabinet and Cabinet committee papers. You will not fuck up manage the day-to-day business of the government, including:
• chairing Cabinet and the Cabinet committees usually chaired by me (Appointments and Honours Committee, Cabinet Business Committee and Cabinet Priorities Committee). You are under no obligation to end with the customary “Meeting Arderned”, so feel free to add your own personal touch. Agendas for the meetings will be managed between my office and the Cabinet Office in the usual way;
• tagging me in funny and relevant memes;
hiding from engaging with and avoiding directing officials from the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet;
• recording Dancing with the Stars on the Beehive Skybox (any spoilers leaked will result in immediate termination of your contract);
• overseeing the government’s policy programme to turn New Zealand into a Marxist Republic;
• feeding Clarke at least twice a day. He likes fish, and be sure to put out a small bowl of Steinlager Pure every morning;
deflecting answering questions directed at the Prime Minister in the House and responding to media inquiries, Official Information Act requests, and other general shit swallowing  correspondence; and
coming up with excuses to get out of attending official engagements.
Under NO circumstances are you to:
• raise the voting age to 65;
• put down more than 5% of the Budget at the races; or
• appoint yourself as Governor General.
My Chief of Staff, Mike Munro, and staff in the Office of the Prime Minister will watch you like hawks support you in your role as Acting Prime Minister, as will officials in the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet, including the Cabinet Office. More importantly, the key to the Prime Ministerial Liquor Cabinet is taped to the bottom of the bust of Sir Richard Seddon. I trust you will leave my best bottle – you know, the one that caused Muldoon to call a snap election – for my return.
Thank you again for your support,
Yours somewhat sincerely,
Her Awesomeness the Rt Hon Jacinda Ardern
Prime Minister (and don’t you forget it)
Cc: Mike Munro, Chief of Staff, Office of the Prime Minister
Aunty Helen
Andrew Kibblewhite, Chief Executive, DPMC
Michael Webster, Cabinet Secretary
Cameron Slater (lol just kidding)

 

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*

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