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June 5, 2018 | by  | in *News* |
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Tuatara to Assume Larger Role in Student Life

Victoria University is considering giving its resident lounge (a group of lizards is known as a “lounge”) of tuatara a larger role in student life after it was found that the chance to meet the tuatara convinced 35% of students to take the SERU International Undergraduate Survey.
VUW’s tuatara — Hazel, Spike, Shorty, and Phoebe — have a diverse role at the University already. As the trimester ends, they will be at select lectures with dropping attendance, in a last-ditch attempt to convince students to show up.
“Some days, the tuatara are the only thing that convince me to go to uni,” said fourth year law student Georgina Patel. “I like to go to their enclosure, stare into their eyes, and contemplate the abyss. I’m so glad that the university is providing the option to do that from the cavernous wastelands of late-trimester lectures.”
The tuatara and their handlers will sit at the front of the lecture theatres to provide a focal point for students who are, at this stage in the semester, unable to meet their lecturer’s eye. It is hoped that their still, calm presence will help sleep deprived students to focus.
Mauri Ora is lobbying to use the tuatara as emotional support animals, to comfort students during the months-long wait for a student counselling appointment. This initiative was proposed after Mauri Ora found the fish tank recently installed its foyer was not an effective substitute for quality mental health services. Tuatara “cuddle sessions” are rolling out from this week.
“I’m happy to do my bit for the University, and if that means bribing students into staying complacent as stress erodes at their well-being just like humans have eroded my habitat, then I’m satisfied,” said Hazel the tuatara, speaking from her current enclosure in the Murphy Building.

*Disclaimer: This is shit news.*

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