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August 20, 2018 | by  | in *News* |
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Score Steamed Hams with Seymour for Society Soirée

As part of a fundraiser for their annual ball, the Victoria University Politics Society has placed an auction on TradeMe to go to lunch with none other than part-time Dancing With the Stars loser, and full-time general loser, David Seymour. In line with his support of legalizing assisted dying with the End of Life Bill, David will push you to the brink of death with an afternoon of small talk and other mouth sounds over a delightfully devilish meal for two, presumably in an upper class metropolitan area that doesn’t scare him.
The Act MP, who is somehow only 35 years old, will generously pay for both of your meals himself; however, since the current bidding sits at $500, at the end of the day there remains no such thing as a free lunch. Not only will the auction winner get to choose the restaurant at which this unforgettable luncheon takes place, but it will also ultimately be up to them to decide whether to give David the final rose or not, and to perhaps even continue on to The Bachelor overnight suite.

Unfortunately, neither the Politics Society nor TradeMe can guarantee that David will not savagely ghost you on all social media immediately after your time together, only to hit you up eight months later with a “wyd?” text at 3am because he’s sad-drunk again after remembering he holds no real power in government.
While one can only wonder what goes through the mind of someone involved in a bidding war past $500 to spend an extended period of time with David Seymour, we are at this point so deep in the simulation that nothing really matters at all. Bid on this auction. In fact, get all of your money out of the bank and set it on fire in the street. Capitalism is a prison. Control is an illusion. Embrace chaos. All hail Suzy Cato.

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