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August 20, 2018 | by  | in The Poo Review |
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The Poo Review

This brand new running seeks to identify the best and worst toilets on campus at Victoria, so you’ll know exactly where to run after that bad plate of Krishna Foods. Have a toilet you want reviewed, or want to contribute? Drop us a line pooreviews@salient.org.nz

LEVEL 2 KELBURN LIBRARY MALE TOILETS

For the inaugural VUW Poo Review, I chose to review a toilet where most Victoria students have probably been at least once — the Level Two toilets in that weird black corridor thing near the stairs. I picked the cubicle on the left as the right one was occupied, and prayed the person next door wouldn’t hear me taking photos of all the graffiti.

Cleanliness/Smell
While the cubicle and toilet itself was relatively clean, the whole bathroom stinks. Not of raw sewage, but more of cheap cleaning products that somehow smell worse than raw sewage. Users are advised to avoid breathing through their noses.

Interior Decor
Impressive. Most impressive: “JEWS” written in huge capitals on the inside door, with no qualifier. Was the author anti-semitic, or just liked the look of the word? I will take that question with me to my grave. Other notable examples include: a pointed attack on the VUW name change; an always appreciated riddle-turned-degree-joke (What comes once in a (m)inute, twice in a (m)o(m)ent and never in a thousand years? An engineer with a real woman); a wholesome birthday message to “my sweetheart” Miles Smith was overshadowed somewhat by the neighbouring words “RiPe PuSSy”. Most inexplicable was a graph-like loop labelled DO NOT EAT THE MiND HolE at one end and COMMUNISE at the other. Outstanding work overall, and more than fulfilled my recommended daily dose of surrealism.

Effectiveness of Facilities
The door locked properly. Toilet paper stocks were adequate. Flushing was effective. For some reason soap is only next to the right hand sink, so a hygiene-concerned left hand sink user may have to awkwardly lean across a complete stranger for an end that does not justify the means. No paper towels, so had to resort to the hand dryer that was better at impersonating a Soviet-era cargo jet than actually drying my hands. Added point: the solitary urinal is placed right next to the sinks in full view of the mirror, so anyone pissing there increases their big dick energy output by at least 143%.

Cleanliness/Smell (2/5)
Interior Design (4/5)
Effectiveness of Facilities (3/5)
Total (3/5)

VERDICT: Worth a look for the graffiti, but this bathroom is suited to those without a sense of smell. Useful and conveniently located for an emergency, but if you’re looking for a place to sit/read/cry/sell drugs you’re better off heading up a few levels.

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