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September 17, 2018 | by  | in Film |
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Batman v Superman XXX: An Axel Braun Parody

Porn really loses its appeal after you’ve gotten off, but I suffered through more than an hour of this 133 minute monstrosity — drunk, alone, on a Sunday — in the name of journalistic integrity.

What is Batman v Superman XXX?

It’s Batman v Superman, except not. The Joker’s kidnapped Lois Lane, Superman’s off banging chicks on other planets and has to come home to save her, and Batman, Catwoman, Harley Quinn, and a bunch of random (female) characters I don’t know are also there. One wouldn’t think that I’d need a masters degree in comic books to fully get to grips — so to speak — with a porn film, but maybe I do?
There’s fewer lens flares, worse jokes, and somehow less homoeroticism in XXX than the original. Admittedly, I might have turned it off before the epic Batman/Joker sex fight scene, but I don’t think the director would have had the guts to put that in a porn parody aimed mostly at heterosexual dudes.
Don’t worry, there’s plenty of women that hook up with each other — because as we all know, men who direct porn have an expansive and unproblematic view of female sexuality on screen and absolutely do not leverage that on a daily basis.
Speaking as a non-heterosexual woman, I was hoping there’d be a little more in this for me. Some porn parodies are great — there’s genuinely fantastic, hilarious dialogue in Scooby Doo XXX: The One Where Scooby Doo Never Appears (it’s been unfortunately struck from all internet pornography sites for being too good) — but the writers must have been having a
day off during this film.
Other parodies, and other genres of porn seem to give a damn about the people in their audience who don’t just want pure, hardcore smut — making it more about genuine pleasure, and less about visceral sex in your face, maniacal rooting, and shades of dubious consent — but this one just doesn’t. Once you’ve seen one blowjob scene where two people are dressed in god awful amounts of spandex, you’ve seen them all.

What more can I say? It’s pornography, and y’all know how pornography works. Batman vs Superman XXX is exactly the same as any other piece of porn on the internet, except you’ve got to suffer through twice as much sexing and four times the usual amount of mundane dialogue in order to get to one (of the many) cumshots.
I suppose some pleasure can be gleaned from the commitment to the bit costume-wise, and there’s also some not-terrible camera work, but on a whole, the entire porn looks like a low-budget student film gone terribly wrong.
Most porn films tend to be cinematographically/dramaturgically/spiritually awful, but somehow it’s even worse when there’s the appearance of effort involved.

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