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September 17, 2018 | by  | in *News* Splash |
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VUW Stops Issuing Degrees; “Exceptional Pride” Deemed Sufficient

In yet another inspired effort to cut costs, Victoria University of Wellington will no longer offer formal qualifications to its graduates.
The change will be implemented immediately. It was reportedly inspired by the Faculty of Law’s urgent efforts to reassure its disproportionately under-graded student body by releasing a statement that it is “exceptionally proud” of its graduates.
The governing bodies of the university were reportedly “really excited” by the implications of the Faculty’s statement, according to Vice-Chancellor Grant Guildford.

“We thought — wow, this is big news — we now don’t even have to bother with any of this education stuff anymore, because our positive vibes are just as effective in helping our graduates find paid employment.”
The university believes its “exceptional pride” will be recognised by most employers as an effective substitute for a bachelor’s degree. “Overwhelming pride” would replace a master’s degree, while a PhD would be replaced by “the utmost pride” offered by the University.

It acknowledged that some recruiters may prefer the old-fashioned method of judging potential employees by a fair assessment of their academic effort, but it held that such concerns are unfounded considering the “sheer volume of pride” it is prepared to dish out to past and future graduates.

“We’ll help preserve our environment by not printing out all those silly transcripts and degrees,” Guildford intoned enthusiastically.
“Also, this way we don’t even have to pretend we grade students fairly.”

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*

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