Viewport width =
September 17, 2018 | by  | in *News* Splash |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

VUW Stops Issuing Degrees; “Exceptional Pride” Deemed Sufficient

In yet another inspired effort to cut costs, Victoria University of Wellington will no longer offer formal qualifications to its graduates.
The change will be implemented immediately. It was reportedly inspired by the Faculty of Law’s urgent efforts to reassure its disproportionately under-graded student body by releasing a statement that it is “exceptionally proud” of its graduates.
The governing bodies of the university were reportedly “really excited” by the implications of the Faculty’s statement, according to Vice-Chancellor Grant Guildford.

“We thought — wow, this is big news — we now don’t even have to bother with any of this education stuff anymore, because our positive vibes are just as effective in helping our graduates find paid employment.”
The university believes its “exceptional pride” will be recognised by most employers as an effective substitute for a bachelor’s degree. “Overwhelming pride” would replace a master’s degree, while a PhD would be replaced by “the utmost pride” offered by the University.

It acknowledged that some recruiters may prefer the old-fashioned method of judging potential employees by a fair assessment of their academic effort, but it held that such concerns are unfounded considering the “sheer volume of pride” it is prepared to dish out to past and future graduates.

“We’ll help preserve our environment by not printing out all those silly transcripts and degrees,” Guildford intoned enthusiastically.
“Also, this way we don’t even have to pretend we grade students fairly.”

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Add Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Recent posts

  1. Token Cripple: You’re totally messing with my cripple aura, dood.
  2. You Are Not Your Illness
  3. Let Me at The Bachelor, and Other Shit Chat
  4. Lost in the Sauce – Avo-no you didn’t
  5. Mauri Ora – Winter’s Comin’
  6. Token Cripple – How To Survive Your First Year at University (with a disabled twist!)
  7. Dream Diagnosis – Fire in Wellington
  8. Liquid Knowledge – Animal farts and performative veganism
  9. One Ocean
  10. Uni Council Corner

Editor's Pick

He Tāonga

:   I wanted to write this piece, in order to connect to all tauira within the University, with the hope that we can all remind ourselves that we are a part of an environment which is valuable, no matter our culture, our beliefs or our skin colour. The ultimate purpose of this