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October 8, 2018 | by  | in The Poo Review |
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The Poo Review

CW: racist language
Victoria’s own Old Government Buildings is the largest wooden building in the Southern Hemisphere. But if you have logs of your own to deposit, it may be better to search elsewhere, for these could be VUW’s foulest toilets (save for the lair of the Cotton Cannibal).
Cleanliness/Smell
Smellwise, bad but not the end of the world. The ambiguous stains on the wall could be any number of different bodily fluids. I don’t want to think about them anymore.
Interior Decor
Anarchic. Ranges from angsty poetry (featuring its very own haiku section) to a 2 foot long phallus dangling down the wall, conveniently labelled “CoCk aNd bALLs!”. While I quite liked the sheer surrealism of the Kelburn library bathrooms, most of the graffiti here was just plain nasty. There’s a running poll on the back wall asking who is preferred out of Grant Morris and Victoria Stace, with Guy Fiti Sinclair as a late addition (score: Grant 0, Victoria 4, Guy 1 and a bonus “fuck off firstie”). As if to bolster the Victoria Stace vote, her name is in a large love-heart on the side wall, accompanied by the prosaic phrase “this nigga eating BEANS”. Neither of the male lecturers have a love heart, but apparently “Ben Nel sucked Grant Morris’s [sic] dick to make it through first year”. This allegation is accompanied by a helpful diagram. President of the United States Donald J Trump has evidently begun his reelection campaign in VUW’s law school shitters against disgraced former Mayor of Auckland, judging from the TRUMP 2020 slogan near a love heart of Len 4 Bevan. So there you go.
Effectiveness of Facilities
The door to this cubicle was actually locked from the outside for a good few weeks before I decided to investigate, so maybe it’s secure? There was enough classic VUW TP. While it took a few flushes for anything to go down, the toilet water doesn’t hose one’s legs in the process like the toilets a floor below so that’s a bonus. Sinks are appallingly laid out, with soap on the left hand sink but towels on the right hand sink. There is no point to there being two sinks here, so loses a mark for wastefulness.

Cleanliness/Smell (1/5)
Interior Design (1.5/5)
Effectiveness of Facilities (2/5)
Total (1.5/5)
Verdict: Head upstairs and you might have a better time. However, because it’s OGB, you may get lost and end up shitting in a rubbish bin and wiping with a copy of Law Alive, which would still be better for your soul than reading all the graffiti in this cubicle.

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