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October 15, 2018 | by  | in Mauri Ora |
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Mauri Ora

“There ain’t no cure for love”
Relationship break up is the most common cause of the first depressive episode. Hardly surprising, given our chosen other has rejected us (or fallen short) and our visualised future is shattered. Should we rush to the pill bottle? Lots do. Traces of antidepressants are now found in our oceans. But surely grief is a sign of health. A sign that we have what it takes to be in a relationship.
What is this thing called depression? We commonly talk about it as a feeling, but more accurately it’s an absence of feeling — we are “depressing” our feelings. Unsurprising given the pain experienced. Depression is a behaviour rather than a feeling.
So, our relationship ends, we experience immense pain, our mind fires thoughts at us like “I’m worthless”; “life isn’t worth living”; “They were my soulmate; I’ll never find another”. We have two choices (and all the shades of grey in between). We can reject or run from our pain, treat our thoughts as facts and let them guide our behaviour — the depressive route. Alternately we can accept our feelings — compassion helps here — and hold onto our thoughts lightly; moving forward in our lives.
Whether or not a behaviour is life enhancing rather than depressive is person dependent. I’m not knocking the taking of antidepressants. Anyone who has the guts to give them a go is taking a value based action in the interests of their health. Hold on lightly to the thought that benefits come exclusively from medication though — or exclusively from a counsellor for that matter. 15% of clients improve simply through the act of scheduling an appointment with a counsellor.

I’m guessing that reaching out to a fellow human being is part of that. Connection with others is integral to recovery from any breakup. Other people remind us of who we can be, rather than what we have lost.

“There ain’t no cure for love,” said Leonard Cohen.

Some relief may be found in the present moment. In appreciating beauty. In accepting comfort from others and being compassionate to ourselves. In holding lightly to the contents of our reactive mind. Take one day at a time, as a pathway to peace.

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