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February 25, 2019 | by  | in Shit Chat |
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O Shit, She Back, and Other Shit Chat

Ladies, gentlemen, variations thereupon; it is with bittersweet sentiment that I welcome you to the third and final year of Shit Chat. Historically, this column has been a shamelessly narcissistic outlet for my unsolicited opinions and advice, brought to you by substance abuse, a strong disdain for men, and a healthy dose of my own tears.

Devoted readers—all three of you—bear with me here as we recap, for the sake of the sweet summer freshers tuning in for the first time.

In 2017 I emailed editors Laura and Tim (may they rest in peace—they’re not dead, just banished to the desolate realm of trying to pay the rent as ~writers~) pitching a yet-to-be-titled column that vibed a modern-day mentally-ill Carrie Bradshaw, along with a link to the only piece of writing I had to show for myself: a ~thinkpiece~ that I published on Tumblr (R.I.P.) about my sociopathic, philandering, emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend.

 

“I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hash this out over a cloud of smoke and several jugs at Siglo last night,” I wrote to L&T, “I want to talk shit about mental health, and feminism, and probably politics… My niche tends to be articulate-but-bitchy. Essentially it’d be a Wellington wet dream.” And thus, Shit Chat was born.

 

Over the past two years, I’ve talked utter shite about my “adventures” on Tinder, a theoretical fight to the death between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, and my hard-on for the Bachelor franchise. I’ve spun absolute yarns about how sexts are poetry and nudes are art, my weakness for man-buns, and how Men Are Trash. I’ve given unqualified advice to first-years, discussed the art of sucking dick, provided way too much information about my body hair, paid homage to Suzy Cato at every available opportunity, and elaborated some more on why Men Are Trash.

 

Traditionally, Shit Chat has been characterised by an addiction to cigarettes (and—let’s be honest—the devil’s lettuce), nominal and steadily declining mental health, as well as my undeserved devotion to men who ultimately just wanted to get their dicks wet.

This year, however, things are going to be different.

 

This year, dear friends, I come to you (largely) sober, with a newly conferred degree and a fucking AWARD for this column (Best Column in Aotearoa Student Media—yes, you read that right). I come to you with a new diagnosis, new medication, and the ability to make it through the day without a nap. I come to you with Lizzo-levels of That Bitch confidence and a whole new lease on life—and you are absolutely fucking not ready for me.

“Who is she??” I hear you ask.

“What have you done with the perpetually inebriated, mouthy wench that we know and love (to hate)?” I hear you wail.

Fear not, dear friends; she’s still here, only correctly medicated and ready to fuck your shit up like never before. Men will still be roasted; narcissism will still be rampant; unwelcome opinions will still be dispensed with abandon.

Shit Chat will stay true to its man-hating, over-sharing, nicotine-fuelled roots for one last hurrah. We’ll still be serving “crackling fuck-you energy” and “a startling mix of intimacy and toughness” (these are real #reviews, I shit you not)—only this time around, we’re confident, capable, and refusing to date self-obsessed softbois who look like the Slenderman.

 

In a couple of weeks we’ll be exploring ‘How To Spot A Softboi’, then maybe we’ll shoot the shit about how social media is a fucking poison (that I want to shoot straight into my veins). I’m gonna delve into what Bick Dick Energy is exactly, and talk extensively and in excruciating detail about masturbation. Strap yourselves in and lube yourselves up, because this year we’ve got quite the line-up ahead of us. I’m gonna split you the fuck in half—with full, informed, and enthusiastic consent, of course.

Wanna chat? Collaborate? Talk shit about men and/or send me titty pics? Email shitchat@salient.org.nz (complaints encouraged). In the words of our Lorde and Saviour Jacinda Ardern: Let’s do this.

 

As always, sincerely,

Love u XOXO

 

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