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March 18, 2019 | by  | in Talking With My Dad About Sex |
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Talking About Sex with My Dad – Spicing Things Up

I feel like I’m not even that old but sex just feels like the same thing over and over lately. We just kiss for a bit, we go down on each other then it’s penetration for a bit till one or both of us cum. How do i get out of this sex rut?? New position to try?? Idk help!


Lena: New positions are one approach and they can be fun, but tbh I think they can be a bit of a band-aid fix. Also, you can definitely google them and get a wider variety, with detailed descriptions far beyond what we can provide here. In that vein, limitations are something you could add into ze bedroom that bring a sense of creativity and could help you out of this sex rut.


By limitations, I mean making certain things off-limits in a session/for a bit. For example, simply taking penetration off the table can change up the usual played-out routine, so handjobs or oral sex become the main course. Other limitations can include no touching of genitals at all, no touching at all (think mutual masturbation—v hot), only using your hands, only using your mouth, not having sex for a week or two but sexting to build anticipation.


A fun way to enjoy non-penetrative sex is to be clear about when someone is the giver and when they are the receiver. By this I mean when someone is receiving pleasurable touch all they do is focus on enjoying and feeling the sensations, rather than worrying about pleasing their partner at the same time. Obviously this requires some communication and that both partners are just as willing to give as they are to receive, but it can help elevate ‘foreplay’ beyond a rushed prelude.


Even beginning to have conversations about what limitations might be fun or sexy can help move things beyond rut-like routine. I find that the conversations leading up to sex can really change how the sex feels, specifically having intimate and/or vulnerable conversations can help both parties feel in the moment and close to each other rather than playing out the usual proceedings.


Dad: Magazines often talk about “spicing things up” by trying something new, and it’s true that we do get excited by novelty. However, what the mags often miss is that this only works if the novelty meets you where you are at. If the recommended kinky move is far beyond anything you and your partner have tried before, or doesn’t even sound hot, chances are it’s not going to catapult you out of your sex rut. Recognising and sharing a new part of your own eroticism is what really spices things up.  


So, expanding on what Lena said, thinking and then talking about what YOU find erotic can be a path to changing things up. It isn’t always easy to know. We are bombarded with images and ideas about what is “sexy” and, especially if you identify as female, often these notions are far removed from your experience with your own sexuality. In contrast, but no more helpful, if you don’t neatly fit into the heteronormative binary you may never have seen your sexuality reflected in movies, TV, books, or porn.


Allowing yourself to think and feel about what turns you on without judgement or censorship is something of a revolutionary act for many of us. Another aspect is working out whether that which appeals to your imagination is something you want to try in real life. Then you have to work out how to communicate that to your partner without being prescriptive or demanding— and tolerating the vulnerability this requires (“what if they think I’m weird/boring….?”).


But if you can do all this, chances are your sex life will be a lot more interesting AND intimate.


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