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April 9, 2019 | by  | in *News* |
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Salient defames Michael Laws

Our frenemies at Critic are currently in a spot of legal hot water. Professional baby boomer Michael Laws is considering suing the magazine and the Otago University Students’ Association for defamation after they published something to do with elephants. Not to be outdone, the libellous hacks here at Salient have put together a comprehensive list of malicious lies you can spread about everyone’s least favourite local body politician!

 

  • Michael Laws puts milk in his bowl before his cereal.
  • Michael Laws overstates his height on his Tinder profile.
  • Michael Laws is in fact a Chinese Communist spy.
  • Michael Laws has a negative feedback rating on Trade Me.
  • Michael Laws is a member of Black Power.
  • Michael Laws bit a baby he was supposed to kiss during an election rally.
  • Michael Laws does not own a KeepCup™.
  • Michael Laws had an extramarital affair with Winston Peters.
  • Michael Laws is actually a family of possums in a trench coat.
  • Michael Laws secretly supports the Wallabies because he likes the colour of their jerseys.
  • Michael Laws enjoys seal clubbing.
  • Michael Laws streams Fortnite videos.
  • Michael Laws was only ever elected because of Russian electoral interference.
  • Michael Laws killed Paddles the cat.
  • Michael Laws eats bananas with the skin on.
  • Michael Laws is not the Zodiac killer, but attempted to frame Ted Cruz anyway.
  • Michael Laws is on the keto diet, and won’t stop talking about it.
  • Michael Laws is set to drop a collab track with Max Key.
  • Michael Laws stands at the middle urinal and leaves his pants around his ankles while trying to talk to the man next to him.
  • Michael Laws attempted to bribe Zealandia staff so he could enjoy the juicy taste of deep-fried tuatara.
  • Michael Laws is in fact a Dark Lord of the Sith and is plotting to overthrow the Otago Regional Council with an army of cloned Temuera Morrisons.
  • Michael Laws bums cigarettes on the Siglo balcony.
  • Michael laws has his own line of boutique sex toys.
  • Michael Laws was the guy who gave Grant Guildford the idea for the VUW name change.

 

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:   I wanted to write this piece, in order to connect to all tauira within the University, with the hope that we can all remind ourselves that we are a part of an environment which is valuable, no matter our culture, our beliefs or our skin colour. The ultimate purpose of this