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May 13, 2019 | by  | in *News* |
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How To: Saving Money, and Your Life, Under Capitalism

Last week, USA Today released an article titled “You don’t need that: Average American spends almost $18,000 a year on nonessentials”. According to the article,  Americans splurge roughly $18,000 a year on things “we can all do without”, such as coffee, buying lunch, gym memberships, and personal grooming.

 

Considering the towering inability of our government to at least soften the blows of the decades-long neo-liberal beating our country has taken, we here at ^Salient have compiled the following list of luxury items that you, too, should cut back on—if you ever hope to afford a home with windows that shut properly and nursing home staff that don’t treat you like cattle:

 

  • Underwear: With the ability to patch holes and turn them inside-out when the pH levels in your puss have destroyed the lining, there’s no excuse to ever buy new ones.
  • Toothbrushes and toothpaste: Our ancestors used sticks—why do we think we’re superior to those who came before us?
  • Cleaning products: We buy 2-in-1 shampoo and bodywash. Simply extend this diverse functionality to cleaning your shower, fridge, and oven.
  • Mobile phones: Invest in a pigeon instead. You’ll never drop your pigeon and be forced to pay $300 to have the screen replaced.
  • Tampons: Taxed as a luxury item, so who needs ‘em?
  • Shoes: Duct tape makes a cost-effective alternative to buying new.
  • Cars: Instead, invest in a horse. Carrots are cheaper than petrol. Added bonus: “Old Town Road” clout.
  • Rent, furnishings, bedding: Get on Tinder, sleep at a new house every night. As my dad once said, finding a man is more cost-effective than buying an electric blanket.
  • Kidneys: You only need one of them—sell the other one and invest the profits in a long-term savings account. Remember, penny makes the pound.
  • Walls: Wind can only come from one direction at a time, so cut down on rent and maintenance by removing all but one wall. Bones: improves indoor–outdoor flow.
  • Your humanity: Emotions, compassion, hopes and dreams—what’s the point? The only way to save money is to make money. And the most reliable way to make money is to be a cold, socially isolated corporate robot. Why spend your money enjoying time with loved ones, when you could be working your third minimum-wage job?
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