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AuthorAlly Garrett

Author Archive: Ally Garrett

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October 10, 2011

I once read an article about how to test whether someone has a narcissistic personality. You just ask them whether they could do a better job ruling the world than those currently in power. It’s a tough question. Could you do a better job than the Baracks and the Johns and the Julias? The Davids and […]

October 2, 2011

I haven’t always been a rug muncher. I was (mostly) all about the the dudes until I met my girlfriend. Over the course of our relationship I have not only perfected the art of carpet licking but I have also befriended many excellent lesbians. Stereotypes are stupid, I know, and sexuality is irrelevant, but there […]

September 25, 2011

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I have a lot of opinions. A lot. A looooot. I think that bread is a savoury food and should never, ever be eaten with jam. Or honey. Or marmalade. I think that Six Feet Under is the best television show of all time. I think that celery […]

September 19, 2011

My girlfriend and I had sex on Saturday morning. This isn’t unusual, and it perhaps isn’t column material, but we’ve almost been together for three years and it’s nice to know that we are—as yet—untouched by the icy fingers of lesbian bed death. Our anniversary is on Halloween, if you’d like to send well wishes, […]

September 12, 2011

Our world is divided into two halves; people with dangly bits and people with insidey bits. What is with that? The system doesn’t even work in the first place! There are more gender identities than being a man and being a woman! I remember that when I applied to Victoria University, I had to tick a box […]

September 5, 2011

I am a godless woman.  I’ve tried the whole organised religion thing—I went to a high school where on special occasions the prefects wore veils —but it’s just not for me. The closest thing that I have to a God is halloumi cheese in that I worship Him and make time for Him every Sunday […]

August 15, 2011

Lately, I’ve been in a writing rut. The words aren’t flowing from my fingertips with the same vitriol that they usually do. I’ve chalked the rut up to winter and the way I’m hibernating like an apartment-dwelling bear. I’ve been doing all sorts of uncharacteristically home-y things like baking muffins (usually I hate muffins, they’re […]

August 8, 2011

Hi Salient. Now look, I know this column is kind of slack. Sorry Elle. Sorry Uther. Sorry readers. I just had quite a big weekend because my friend Scarlett was here visiting from Japan and I spontaneously reverted back to my 19-year-old self. One minute Scarlett was getting off the plane and the next minute […]

August 1, 2011

Do you know what’s worse than being offensive? Being boring. And do you know what is really really seriously truly boring? Making that joke about Amy Winehouse. That joke I’ve seen made by several smug douchebags in every little corner of the internet. That joke about how it looks like she really should have gone […]