My neighbours on my floor are obsessed with Beyoncé. I have had it up to fucking here with “Halo”, “Drunk in Love” and “Single Ladies”. All they do when we drink together is set up their laptop to play YouTube music videos and dance in front it like Regina George’s little sister in Mean Girls. Why can’t we jam to some other music? Why do we have to practice that STUPID single ladies dance every Saturday night? What can I do to figuratively cattle prod them out of this behaviour?

Beyoncé Basher

Hi there BB,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’re anti-Beyoncé, you’re basically a terrorist. So I mean you may as well roll with being the villain of the group. The modern basic bitch will always turn on those who are anti-yoncé at the first sign of trouble. If you and your friends were all in a lifeboat that was over crowded, they would push you over the edge and hold your head under water while chanting “surfbort”.

So you should really just take control of the situation yourself and tip your friends’ Park Lanes over their Macbook Pros to drown their basic bitch anthems.

They hate you already on some level, so just do it.

Agatha.

***

Hi Agatha,

There’s this guy I like and he seems to be really cool on the outside, like he knows how to dress and we have some really great shared interests, but he is low key misogynistic. Also I feel like he is expecting sex in return for like buying me a frigging coffee. What do you think about this guy?

Confused Consuela.

Hey CC,

So some guys wear fedoras on the outside and are easy to spot on the bus spreading their legs out over two seats. Other guys wear their fedoras on the inside, they have a fed-aura. These are the guys that walk the street looking like perfectly normal human beings and maybe even have interesting jobs or play an exotic sport. Yet they can still act like some sort of internet troll when you don’t worship them like a god for opening a fucking door for you.

I think you should just run for the hills. You can’t help someone with a fed-aura, it’s a terminal illness where they have to live with chronic wanker-dom.

Ditch. You’ll thank me later.

Agatha

-Sick of Sausage

Hey SS,

First of all, that guy is a cunt for berating you with dick pics. Also, if it gets to be too much, you can take some serious action.

Now I’m not saying I hate dick pics; a well-timed dick pic is as beautiful as a spring time daffodil. Only meatier. But an out of the blue dick pic is as shocking as walking in on your flatmate masturbating—you see more than you bargained for and you just feel embarrassed for everyone involved. So if you want him to stop all together, you should either tell him clearly that you don’t want any more. Or you could be creative and say that if he sends you another one you’ll take it as an invitation to insert his dick into a paper shredder.

However, maybe you’re like me and you never really want the gravy train of sneaky nudes to stop, but to simply be on your terms.

The first rule of keeping someone on side with sending sneaky nudes is that you never screenshot. Jesus never got tit pics from Mary Magdalene by screenshot-ing them to show his disciples. I think that’s how that parable goes.

Secondly, you should use conditioning methods to shape his behaviour. Praise him when you get a saus-snap that you requested and show disgust/punish him when you get an unsolicited one. Try sending some grotesque boner-killer Snapchat in response. May I suggest a birthing video (animal or human) or a cyst lancing.

Good luck with your behavioural shaping,

Agatha

***

Dear Agatha,

I have a Tinder date coming up and I’m so excited because we are compatible star signs. I want to find a way to work it into the conversation. I mean, I figure it’s a good talking point and it lets her know that we could last the distance. Or do you think that would be a bit much?

Gregarious Gemini

Hey GG,

Well… it’s a memorable move. However, if anyone seriously brings up star signs in my presence, I usually roll my eyes so hard that they pop out of my head. Maybe you can make a statement by other means. Perhaps a really cool hat, or a large belt buckle. Any form of peacocking really. I feel like that’s on par with star sign chat.

Good luck with your date, I hope the stars align.

Agatha

Things have changed though, right? I mean, surely the modern man doesn’t need to be a low-key bigot to show that he is truly totes masc?

In the modern world men are expressing themselves in heaps of different ways—through fashion, music, spoken word, dance, or art. However, these all come with qualifiers. Men who are into fashion can now be identified as “metrosexual”, although this is now becoming more of an antiquated term. There is, however, a tipping point—suddenly you’re discriminated against for being feminine, because, naturally, fashion is a girly thing. Body image and personal presentation are totally tied up in this too.

There are almost “safe” tropes where someone can “play-it-masc”. Like the lumberjack (wear some plaid and grow out your facial hair), future yo-pro (keep your Macklemore ‘do in check and make sure to keep up with Barkers’ latest releases), and the obviously straight and stock-standard student (have a few chinos, a jersey, and some stripy and blank tees to cycle through).

In terms of homophobia, the “no homo” movement speaks for itself. You can have a bro, as long as you use the disclaimer “no homo” when you’re doing anything too ~intimate~, like getting dinner together or taking a selfie. As though the worst thing in the world would be to be assumed gay. With queerness comes masculinity erasure. As though someone who self-identifies as masculine and projects a masculine vibe out to the world somehow has his masculinity stolen because he happens to like some D on the side.

Although, within the queer community, there is still a serious issue with masculinity, misogyny, body image and racism. Just scrolling through an app like Grindr you could play discrimination bingo with phrases like “no fems”, “no fatties”, “no Asians”, “I’m straight acting” and “looking for tranny fun”. Although you could argue that being on Grindr in the first place is hardly very “straight acting”.

Most people are pretty switched on to basic feminism, in the sense that it’s totally NBD for a woman to dress as revealing or conservatively, femininely or masculinely as she likes, or have short hair or long hair in any colour under the sun. Yet it isn’t as accepted for men to have this freedom of expression, despite this being an obvious part of the feminist movement.

So many young boys are being raised by a society that tells them to harden up and act like men, when there is no real guide that tells us how a man is supposed to act. Young boys are raised in a culture that supports violence and physical activity as the pinnacle of what it is to be “male”, yet ignores the need for emotional literacy in young boys. This is carried on by the idea that men aren’t allowed to show emotion or call for help with depression, anxiety, other mental illnesses, or even basic emotional distress. Many men are raised without the adequate tools to express themselves when they’re vulnerable. What are men supposed to do after they’ve been dumped? Sit quietly in solitude curing meats and drinking dark spirits?

Furthermore, we are in an age of men being the easy gag joke in the media. It’s harder to have an open discussion about men’s issues and the unattainable standards of masculinity without it sounding like a punchline of a joke or like you’re bagging on feminism. If you try and bring it up on social media, you’re bound to get a barrage of sarcastic, belittling and dismissive comments that try to erase the male experience.

While it is true that white middle aged men have been roaming the earth shitting over everyone, it doesn’t mean that the male experience should be suffocated entirely. Things like male infertility, male-pattern baldness, even trough urinals are male-specific, and are all tied to masculine identity. While it’s easy to dismiss issues like these as “fragile masculinity” and chuckle away, it’s something that people have to live with.

If we want to improve emotional literacy and actually help with men’s issues, maybe we shouldn’t be dismissing masculinity as something that is only important to “fuccbois” and “dude-bros”.

When it comes down to it, masculinity is more of a spectator sport. While people are still expanding what they consider masculine, there is still a lot of discrimination against and from the actors involved.

Aunt Agatha is an anonymous agony aunt hellbent on providing disappointing life advice, despite not having a life herself.

I’m a first year and want to go flatting next year, but all of my hall friends are splitting into factions and I’m feeling more lost and directionless than the Labour party. Do none of my friends like me? Am I the one that everyone tries to avoid? What can I do for next year? HELP!

Forgotten Flatmate

Hi FF,

I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. Maybe you are the one all of your friends try to avoid. Maybe you’re awful. However, maybe they just thought they’d be better suited to living with other people because they don’t want you to overhear their bowel movements or taste their terrible cooking.

You’re actually in a fun situation now of being able to slot into a flat group without any real drama. Flatmates Wanted on TradeMe has a wonderful array of weird flats all over the show, and you can ditch them if it’s not a good fit because you have no real connection to the other flatmates.

Also, don’t freak out. First years all around New Zealand put a lot of stock into where they end up flatting for their first ~real~ flatting experience. It’s probably going to be damp and shit and you’re going to love it regardless.

Good luck finding a place to call home,

Agatha.

***

Dear Agatha,

All my friends are getting super turnt and I have so many assignments to do that I could cry. I don’t want them to stop inviting me to things, but I can’t get away with drinking as much as them when I have all of this work to do. Do you have any advice?

Sober Sally.

Hey SS,

What you need to do is try and do a Hannah Montana and have the best of both worlds. I’d just fake the drinking in the meantime. Go hard. I mean people who make such a big deal out of drinking are probably half faking it themselves. So just get some soda water and some lemon and tell everyone you’ve been drinking some vodka sodas. Have a “power shower” and “pass out” super early and you’ll be able to enjoy a night with your friends, have an excuse for an extra shower, and get an early night—all without the hangover the next day.

Party hard,

Agatha.

On Saturday I was a sloppy mess and was being drunk and melodramatic. I woke up to see I tried to call my crush about eight times and texted her about eight times without a reply. I am so mortified, I feel like I’ve basically ruined any chances I have with her. What can I do Agatha?

-Drunk and Disorderly.

Well, well, well, DD.

We have ALL been here. There is a fine line between a sneaky cute message and a full on barrage of drunken clingy madness. You have a few options available to you though. You can apologise for being such a mess and call it what it is. If you’re straight up, it can sometimes feel liberating and you can regain some dignity from this situation. Your second option is to ignore everything that happened and live with the brief and intense awkwardness that comes from drunk dialling and texting. It’ll feel awful but as soon as it happened, it’ll be over.

Your last option is to fake your own death and leave town for good. If you do this, make sure you use a real body and remove the teeth so they can’t use dental records to show it isn’t you.

Good luck covering your tracks,

Agatha.

***

Hey Agatha,

I’ve been interested in this girl for ages and we hang out and have a great time, but when I asked her to date me she said that she didn’t want to jeopardise the friendship. I was totally friend-zoned.

What can I do to get out of the friend zone?

-Good Guy

Hey GG.

Sorry not sorry, but there is no such thing as a friend zone. Some people are going to be attracted to you, some people are not going to be attracted to you and that’s fine too. If you are hanging out with someone and they just think you’re hanging out as friends, it’s going to be super weird for them to realise how you were interpreting everything.

It must be uncomfortable for you too, but I mean, you’ve got to respect people enough to realise they aren’t relegating you to some sort of forbidden forest, but communicating to you that they only see you as a friend.

So be a good guy and enjoy the cool friendship that you still have together.

#Killthefriendzone2K15

Agatha

My ex and I wanted to explore anal intercourse. We bought lube from Peaches and Cream and tried our best… after a couple of fingers I put my jewel in her back door, only to have her leap forward releasing her buttock’s grip of my willy. We tried again a week later when she was drunk and randy. Only to have the same result: her saying it hurt too much. Any advice on how I can slot it in with more success, albeit with a new girl?

Thanks,

Anal Agonist.

Hey there AA,

A lot of people are nervous about ~aNaL~. It’s not just a matter of knocking at the back door and muscling your way in. You need to give a gal some warning. There’s some serious prep work and a level of trust associated with letting someone in their private exit. Most importantly is that people who haven’t stayed in a bottom bunk before may be a little anxious about dropping their bowl of chocolate ice cream if the top bunk rocks the bed too much. You need to find out their bottom line; what they want from you and how you can make them feel comfortable and prepared. Maybe you’re the issue? I would suggest that you take some time for some self-reflection to consider why someone would not invite you into their chamber of secrets.

Good luck with your anal meditation,

Agatha.

***

Hey Agatha,

My flatmates are super loud. They stomp down the hallway and have friends over that yell talk until all hours and leave a mess wherever they go. What can I do to keep myself sane?

Fed up Flatmate.

Hi FF,

You have two options. You first option is to get some earplugs, which will probably save your relationship with your flatmate.

Your second option is to set your flatmate up for a fall. To stop them from running down the hallway, raise a section of the carpet into a ridge or lay booby-traps in their path. In order to limit their social yammering in your personal space, you need to ruin your flatmate’s friendships. Try telling everyone that they’re sniffing around their BFF’s ex. Lastly, start giving positive reinforcement any time they actually do clean anything. Try something simple like chocolate buttons. That’ll do it.

Good luck with your flatmate fuckery,

Agatha.

My flat is surrounded by a few adorable stray cats and I’ve started to feed a few of them. Once I started feeding them, they started sneaking inside and chilling on my bed. Now I’m juggling a few strays, what do I do?

Cat-niss Everdeen

Hey CE, I like my stray cats like I like my men. On a rotation where I can kick one out of bed and have another one around in half an hour. Just apply the same rules as casual sex. Don’t talk about the other cats in front of your stray-de-jour, never commit to future plans, and don’t catch feelings (or ringworm).

Play the game and enjoy having all of the strays fighting for your attention when you know you can drop them any time.

Enjoy your street urchin feline love.

Aunt Agatha

***

Q: Hi Agatha,

My girlfriend of 12 months just came out to me as post-op trans. I’m so happy that she felt comfortable enough to tell me, however I can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable that she waited an entire year to tell me! Should I confront her about how I feel uncomfortable about how long she waited or is it too trivial?

-Awkward Albert

Hey there AA,

I’m sure this was a really hard decision for her and I’m glad that you’re cool with it too. Talk to your bae about how you feel and I bet it was an issue of “Oh god I’ve waited so long to tell him already”.

So yeah, definitely talk to them about how you feel weird about them waiting a year to talk to you, because I’m sure it’ll be a non-issue!

Aunt Agatha

***

Q: Agathaaa, my boyf isn’t texting me back. How can I trick him into texting me more?

Gregarious Girlfriend.

GG, stop.

Agatha

***

Q: How much Facebook stalking is too much Facebook stalking?

-Facebook Fanboy

Hey FF, I like to think that there is no limit to how much you can Facebook stalk someone. However, if you ever wake up after a night out to a cleavage-heavy pic of that girl you went to intermediate with for a year, you may want to reassess your life choices.

Cyber stalk responsibly,

Agatha

I’ve recently taken a lover. However, there is a bit of an age gap between my slam piece and me. I’m 19 and he is 26. When he was in his first year at university, I was 11. Is this too weird? What is an acceptable age gap?

-Slammin’ Sally

Hey SS,

I often get asked this question. There are many mathematical algorithms you can use to analyse your age gap. Firstly there is the “half your age plus 7” rule, which is even referred to in The Autobiography of Malcolm X. So if you consider yourself in the ranks of Malcolm X, this might be the rule for you. Another one is the “high school rule”—basically, if you could have gone to high school together, it’s ok to play hide the salami. But let’s be honest here, there is nothing new about an age disparity in relationships. It’s been drummed out in media for years—The Graduate, An Education, even Sex and the City.

As long as it isn’t a huge issue for you, and it isn’t creating a power imbalance, you do you and enjoy yourself.

Enjoy your Mr. Big, Carrie Bradshaw.

-Aunt Agatha.

***

Q: Agatha, darkness is all around me. I mixed all the alcohols last night. I woke up to a cold cheeseburger in my sheets and a shoe full of vomit. I can barely form this into a question Agatha. All I can say is…  help. What are your coping mechanisms for surviving a grade 10 hangover Agatha?

-Hungover Harry

Hello HH,

Put on your baggiest and smelliest clothes, brush your wine-stained teeth, and get yourself a greasy pie. Because you, son, are hungover as hell, you salty dog. Today you need to channel the grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and stay in bed all day. Try and aim for a shower today, but don’t overcommit yourself. A day of Netflix, warm clothes and self loathing is on the menu for you. If you have to make amends with people over your bad behaviour the night before (we’ve all been there), try and do it in the afternoon when you’ve pulled your shambles of a life together.

As you drip feed yourself water from your bottle like a hamster in a cage, try to remind your aching head that this is only temporary. As far as I know, people can’t die from a hangover… so you’ve got that going for you.

All the best,

Aunt Agatha.

I recently got stood up on a blind date. I’m not sure if the person came and saw me then left, or just flaked out completely. It’s so humiliating and I don’t know what to do now! Have you got any advice?

-Dejected and Dateless

Chin up DD!

I have the perfect remedy for such occasions. It also works well for people who are dealing with liars, cheaters, and emotional withholders.

First of all, you have to make like T-Swift and shake it off. You don’t know who this idiot is so he could have been some loser who wasn’t worth your time anyway.

Step two, you need to repeat the following affirmation: “I’m [your first name] FUCKING [your last name]”. You can repeat this as much as you want at any time because it’s a great thing to keep in mind. It works best with a glass of wine in hand as you’re maintaining eye contact with your sobbing reflection in the mirror.

The third step is saying a big F U to the person who has jilted you. Unfortunately in this situation this person is a stranger. So it might be beneficial to just say to yourself: fuck them, they don’t know what they’re missing out on, I’m delightful.

Now that’s all over, it’s time to refresh and set your sights to the future. By this of course I mean reset your Tinder and cast a wide net while swiping.

You’ll be out on the dating scene again in no time!

Aunt Agatha

***

Dear Agatha,

I’m trying really hard to manage my time at uni. I used to think that I was great at time management at high school, but at Vic I can’t deal with all of my readings, tutorials and lectures while maintaining a social life! How can I improve my time management?

-Lazy Liability

Hey LL,

Practice makes perfect with skills like time management. I would recommend starting a large Sims family and try to advance their careers as a means of practicing this. If you can juggle eight Sims, then you can manage to do your tutorial prep IRL.

I like to model my Sims families after real groups, like the 2012 judging panel of X Factor USA or the Supreme Court Justices.

Alternatively, sometimes it’s easier to wake up early in the morning or work later at night to find the extra hours in the day. That way you can still chill before/after class.

Good luck cramming everything into your day!

Aunt Agatha