Still, tax evasion isn’t as novel an idea as selling ghosts on TradeMe, and I can’t help marveling at how many idiots are willing to fork out money for two jars, which the seller claims contain holy water and the spirits of an old man and a little girl. Still, the 149 bids that were placed, reaching $2830, didn’t amaze me as much as some of the comments on the auction. As well as those criticising the seller for not putting the spirits at rest, people wanted to know what would happen if they released the spirits, whether they were edible, whether they could be drunk, and whether the seller wanted to copyright the ‘product’ and sell it as an energy drink. My fave was the person who wanted to know if the ghosts would be strong enough to scare his/her mother-in-law away. It might seem like something to giggle at, but unfortunately, news of our shame has spread as far as Britain.

Things don’t get any better either. An unidentified man has paid $45,000 for the virginity of a 19-year-old New Zealand girl, making him stupider than 1200 other bidders. Even if he weren’t stupid for thinking that a 19-year-old from Northland could still be a virgin, how desperate would you have to be to pay that kind of money for sex? Surely he could get a better deal in Christchurch? The prize for stupidity has to go to the girl though, who auctioned off her virginity in order to pay for her university fees. Honestly, if you can make $45k laying on your back for two minutes, why go to uni?

Big Mouth

Auckland’s police had the most passes, probably because they’ve had the most practice. And although the story didn’t report which regions fared the worst, Wellingtonians will be pleased—or not—to learn that they have at least a 21 per cent chance of encountering an unfit Police officer. Although in all fairness, a lazy police force is matched by a lazy population. Even those people who can be bothered getting off their couches in order to steal someone else’s, probably can’t outlast a senior citizen on a mobility scooter. Cops should just take their most wanted lists down to all the fast food places and keep a look out, they’d probably catch most people that way. No one will believe us when we tell our grandkids that cops used to run around on foot.

It sucks to be thrown off the plane, but don’t airline policies of making people too large for one seat pay for two seem perfectly reasonable? If one pie isn’t enough to fill your tummy, you have to pay for the second one, right? You don’t get it for free, and you certainly can’t steal half of some other poor sod’s pie.

It’s not just a matter of paying for a second seat to stow your butt fat—if you haven’t booked two seats, you’re gonna spill over into the next person’s seat. That they paid for. Smith doesn’t seem to care about the person who was going to have to sit next to him! If anyone could fit next to him. The airline not only put Smith on a later flight, they also gave him a $100 voucher! And he’s still angry!

My luggage and I collectively weigh less than Smith; shouldn’t I be the one to get money for using less than one seat, rather than the person who uses more?