Essentially, the world of female ejaculation is ripe with mystery. How do you do it? Why can some girls squirt and others can’t? AND FOR GOD’S SAKE IS IT PEE OR NOT?!

Despite the time and effort it takes to make someone squirt, it’s fucking worth it. Have you ever seen a girl after it’s happened? It’s like she’s drunk/stoned/surrounded by puppies/shopping all at once.

So ladies and gentleman, I present to you, Bridget Bones’ guide to female ejaculation:

1. Learn where the G-spot is: That’s where all the action takes place. You’ve got focus on that bad boy for anything to happen.
2. Turn her on: For most women, they need to be hella horny before they can squirt. I suggest learning a Magic Mike routine for maximum effect, but if you can’t quite swing that, some foreplay should start to do the trick.
3. The “come here” technique: Using your fingers, gently rub your girls g-spot in a come-here motion, like you’re on the d-floor at Hope Bros (RIP), except you’re in a vagina. Easy.
4. Ladies: Relax. It’s gonna feel like you need to pee. You’re not. It’s a good thing, so roll with it.
5. Experiment. Use a toy, watch some porn, whatever works for you. Enjoy the experience!
6. Get a towel: Ladies can ejaculate up to a quarter of a cup of fluid while squirting, so it’s a good idea to keep a towel handy. It’s not pee, so don’t freak out. She gets the same feeling when you cum all over the sheets, so be respectful.

Of course, there’s probably a million more things to say, but that’s the general gist of it. Learning to squirt can be time consuming, but I promise it’s worth it for both of you.

As always, stay safe, and enjoy your summer break. Don’t get too frisky ;) xxx

That’s the problem with one-night stands—you can never guarantee you’ll get a good fuck. Mostly it’s 3–10 minutes of “oh dear lord”, then rolling over and pretending to sleep, and hopefully forgetting the whole experience due to the drunken stupor that got you into this mess in the first place. Even though no one would blame you for stopping mid-sex and saying it’s just not gonna work out tonight (or ever), what normally happens is we just ride that dick till the sticky end. After all, dealing with someone’s awkwardly moving pelvis for less than an hour is a lot less awkward than confessing you hate being naked with them.

There’s a definite thought process that comes with bad sex. The internal monologue you develop while getting jack-hammered is an interesting chance to lie back, reflect on all of your life choices, and try to ignore the smell of sexy-sweaty-condom that is radiating around you.

With the help of some trusted sexual deviants, I decided to compile a list of the thought train that comes with bad sex.  

1. Okay, so we’re skipping the foreplay? Yup, It’s already in. I think. Or is that a finger? What the fuck is happening?
2. Well, this is different. Is this normal? I feel like this isn’t normal.
3. Are you sure you know where my vagina is? WHOA, BUDDY. NOT THERE.
4. NO TEETH. NO TEETH PLEASE. OH MY GOD SHE’S USING HER TEETH WHAT IS THAT?!
5. I wonder how my boobs look right now? Probably all floppy and weird.
6. Missionary still? Are you sure you don’t want any sprinkles with all that vanilla champ?
7. Do not be a dead fish. Do not be a dead fish. Do not be a dead fish.
8. I think my vagina just shrivelled up. Seriously, what was that?
9. AAAAAAND she’s starfishing again. Holla at ya girl, you got moves.
10. Jesus are they okay? Was that a moan, or a dying animal in a blender?
11. Where did they learn this? Is this a porn thing? Please don’t be a porn thing.
12. I might fart. I definitely won’t be able to come if I’m trying not to fart.
13. My cat is watching me.
14. Fanny fart. Kill me now.

When it comes to anal sex, I’ve heard you either love it or you hate it. It’s one of those things where you have to try it to find out; someone else’s sexperiences just aren’t going to cut it when it comes to butt stuff. And if you decide you want to try anal, you’ve gotta make sure you do it right. Otherwise it’s probably going to be horrific and end in pain and possibly poo.

Most people see anal as “special occasion sex”. I don’t understand what it is about someone’s birthday that suddenly makes you decide to take a dick up your arse, but whatever. If you’re going to do it, make sure it’s on your terms, and you’re well and truly prepared for it. And remember these top tips to ensure your anal experience is one you’ll remember for the right reasons!

1. Poo first. Seriously. If there’s even a chance you might need to go poo during sex, ABORT THE MISSION and go find a loo. Don’t think you can hold it in. You can’t.
2. Relax. You want your butthole to be nice and relaxed (oh my God), otherwise it’s going to hurt. Take a deep breath, and let all that tension out. If you really can’t relax, but you still want to do it, sex shops sell numbing spray that apparently helps.
3. Use toys/fingers first. Don’t go straight for the kill with a penis. It’s a shock to the system.
4. Use lube. Lots and lots of lube.

Take things slow, find out what you like and what you can handle, and don’t put too much pressure on the situation. There’s nothing “gross” or “slutty” about wanting to have, or even enjoying, anal. It can be fucking awesome, as long as you do it right.

xx

You know the one ladies. The half hour of total pain as some foreign woman rips hair off the most intimate part of your body with some hot wax and a cloth. Much glamorous.

I’m not a huge fan of the Brazilian. Mostly because it hurts. But also, I really cannot think of much worse than lying on a table having someone wax my arsehole (yup, that happens too) and chat to me about their weekend. BUT, for some strange reason, once every six weeks I take myself down to the salon to endure the removal of hair.

WHY? Who the fuck decided that the vagina of a woman entering her second decade needs to look exactly the same as it did when she was 11—completely hairless?

Admittedly, I do it for my boyfriend. I would hate for him to have to try and deal with the forest that can ensue if I get too lazy to wax. But some weird, oversexualised part of me does it, well, for me. I want to have a perfect pussy. So I grit my teeth, spread my legs, and wait for the pain.

Guys, you can get Brazilians too. Lord knows how it works, and I’m sure it’s pretty painful, but hey, if that’s what you’re into, you do. (I’m pretty sure Olympic swimmers get that shit waxed in order to streamline. Maybe it makes sex better?)

There’s nothing wrong with not waxing, some people just aren’t into that. But, if like me, you’d rather be bald as a badger on your nether regions, then welcome to what I am officially calling the Pretty Kitty Committee.

While many choose to categorise sex workers as “abused drug-addicts” or “sluts” (word to the wise: stop saying that), there is a new class of sex worker that breaks all of the traditional stereotypes. The new-age sex worker is smart. She is sophisticated. She knows what she is doing, why, and what she wants to achieve. She is a student, a mother, a housewife. She is a woman, and she should be respected.

The reality of sex work is that women are flocking to higher-end brothels in favour of the back-alley establishments that we expect. Modern prostitutes are choosing to work in high-class establishments that promote a safe and secure work environment. While these women are selling their bodies, they are doing so in an environment that promotes personal wellbeing above all else. And they’re loving it! The question then is what makes this so appealing? Why are intelligent, level-headed women to eager to sample the “forbidden fruit” of the sex trade?

For some, the answer is simple. So simple in fact, that it is the first question asked when applying to many brothels. The question: Do you like sex? Nearly all of the women who choose to become escorts do so because they enjoy sex, and are not ashamed to admit it. There is no shame in embracing your own sexuality, and in the world of sex workers, this is respected. In fact, it is celebrated. Women are searching for safe and supportive environments in which they can explore their sexuality. Smart, attractive and ambitious women are using sex to earn money—and there is nothing wrong with it!

One escort I spoke to at The Bedroom put it bluntly: “I love sex. And I got sick of being used by guys who were just after a one night stand. If I’m gonna have sex once, I might as well get something out of it.”

It’s quite simple really. The reality of most sex workers is that they CHOOSE to do it. With the cost of living increasing, and student debts growing, the number of women studying or in careers choosing to earn money from sex work is growing. The trend amongst workers at Bon Ton and The Bedroom, two elite Wellington agencies, was simple: it was more beneficial to them to work as an escort, and get paid well to do something they enjoy, than work for nine hours in a restaurant for half the money. “Sure, I may not have made millions,” says Lily* from The Bedroom. “But I am able to support myself and live comfortably while doing what I enjoy. And I work about a fifth of the time my full-time friends do for the same money.”

In 2003 the Government passed the Prostitution Reform Act, which legalised commercial sexual services in New Zealand and introduced a range of new safety protocols for the industry. Since then, a rise in high-class agencies that offer a sophisticated service has changed the face of sex work. The aim of the industry is to rid the stigma surrounding sex workers, and create a new image of what prostitution is about. In Wellington, there is only one road you are legally allowed to be a street prostitute on, Marion Street. This regulation tries to encourage prostitutes to work in brothels rather than on the street, making it safer for the women.

In agencies, it is easier to monitor what’s going on between the sheets. The laws stipulate that clients must wear a condom at all times when sex is taking place. Condoms and dental dams must also be used for oral services. The aim is to significantly reduce the risk of spreading sexual diseases, and that’s a huge benefit to the industry. There are also laws surrounding how clean the establishments need to be—sheets must be washed after each booking, and anything used in the booking (for example sex toys) must be cleaned properly. Ultimately, the escort industry is hoping to remove the risk of spreading sexual diseases, which is a massive plus for the industry’s reputation.

There is also a stricter criteria for becoming an escort. Agencies also tend to turn away women who are virgins, and women who confess to having a large amount of unsafe sex. Of course, this is not the same for all agencies; lower-class agencies tend to accept anyone who wants to become a sex worker. But the industry is changing; women are more inclined to work for high-end agencies than the low-end establishments society is most aware of.

The reasons? For most, it’s the fact that high-end establishments offer a bigger cut for the women. The environment is also a lot nicer. Workers at The Bedroom are treated to a workspace that looks like something out of a movie. A quick search on their website shows clean white sheets, French-style décor and a gorgeous, sophisticated atmosphere. The Bedroom boasts only two rooms, which makes for a much more intimate feel. The hours are also better; in the high-end establishments you choose your hours to fit your schedule. For most, this means coming in for a booking and then going back to their ordinary lives. In lower-end establishments women can sit around for 12 hours waiting for bookings, and this has some pretty negative consequences. The women may walk away having earnt nothing all night, and the long hours often lead them to drugs in order to stay awake—a reputation the industry is trying to avoid. There is also something to be said for the amount of money a woman makes in a booking compared to how much she works. Escorting agencies are required to offer women at least a 50:50 cut of what they earn. At The Bedroom, the cut is 60:40 to the woman. That means that an hour’s work will earn a woman around $240, not including tips.

The new guidelines and laws surrounding sex work has made it safer for everyone involved. And this is reflected in the clientèle. Men are happy to spend more money to receive a safer, more enjoyable and sophisticated service. “I’ve had clients who didn’t even want to have sex,” says Alex*, an escort at a top Wellington agency. “We get a lot of lonely men who just want someone to talk to, and perhaps kiss. It’s not all about the sex for everyone.”

For most men, they don’t want to be reminded they are paying for an escort service, so agencies are trying to remove this feeling. Jane*, the owner/manager of The Bedroom, told Stuff in 2012 that she wants the establishment “to feel more like their mistress’ bedroom than a hotel room”. And this move has huge benefits for the women as well; they don’t have to feel like stereotypical sex workers. The women get to work in safe, respectful workplaces where they can feel comfortable. And the best part? The girls call the shots. “If I don’t want to have sex with a particular client, I can turn them down,” says Lily. “It lets me be in control of my body, which is great.” The right to turn down any client is written into the Act, and therefore applies to all agencies, not just the high-end ones. Again, the desired outcome here is to keep the women safe.

And the new laws have introduced another benefit for women: it celebrates sex. Anna*, an ex-worker at The Bedroom, told me that “when I first started, Jane* asked me what the difference was between working as an escort and going to Courtenay Place on a Saturday night and expecting a guy to buy you a few drinks before you fucked him? He’s still buying you; at least this way the money’s better and it’s a lot safer.” In the sex work industry, there is no discrimination. Everyone is treated as an equal, and there is an unspoken understanding between the women as to why they are there. And in some cases, there’s a real connectedness with the client.

“It’s a really fascinating job,” says Tara* from Funhouse, an agency that specialises in kink-focused services. “Every man is different, and sometimes there are moments of real connectedness. You’re a provider of happiness in the simplest form, and that’s really rewarding.” And with every man being different, there is a huge range of services offered across the numerous brothels around Wellington. At Funhouse, a man can be treated to a woman who enjoys his deepest fantasies. At Bon Ton, massage-only services are offered. The range is huge, and is tailored to what the woman is comfortable with offering. No one is forced to offer a service they are not comfortable with, and women tend to work for agencies that reflect their own areas of interest.

The Prostitution Reform Act had a massive impact on the sex industry. The Act saw a huge shift toward keeping women who work as escorts safe. New Zealand has made a great effort to reshape the reputation of the sex industry, but there is still a lot of work to do.

Unfortunately, there’s a massive stigma that surrounds sex workers. This stigma is usually the result of portrayals of the industry in American movies and TV. There’s also misunderstanding. There is a disgust, or fear, or whatever you want to call it, that comes from a lack of education as to what sex work involves.

But this is New Zealand. Prostitution is legal. And it’s legal for a reason. It’s safe, it’s secure, and the women are respected within the industry. Sure, it may not be for everyone, but if it’s not hurting or affecting you directly, why oppose it?

Essentially, prostitution in New Zealand is a moral issue rather than a legal one. It’s about where you stand on the idea, and how open you are to it. No one is forcing you to become a sex worker. And no one is forcing you to be okay with the idea. But there needs to be a social change in the stigma surrounding sex workers and the sex industry. These women are working hard for their money, just not in the traditional sense. And the industry as a whole is doing its best to revamp its reputation, and allow these women to be viewed in a more positive light.

__________

This article was amended on 17 August 2015.

Dominance and Submission

The core element to kink is the role of dom and sub. Dominant partners are those who like to be in control while getting freaky. Subs prefer to let the dom do the work and enjoy being told what to do. There are also “power bottoms”; a gay male term for those doms who prefer to receive rather than give during sex. This is all about a power play, and it’s great for those of you who love to be in control, and for those who love to sit back and let someone else do all the hard work. Most people naturally fit into one of these roles, but don’t be afraid to experiment and take turns; I promise you won’t regret it!

Bondage

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.” Rihanna had it right when she wrote “S&M”, bondage can be a whole lotta fun. Now, granted, watching bondage porn can be terrifying, as I’m pretty sure the majority of us can not bend like that, but I’m told the experience is incredible. The whole idea of bondage is, not surprisingly, being bound and restrained. Bondage is about the feeling of control, or lack of. Bondage is consensually tying, binding, or restraining a partner for erotic or aesthetic simulation. For beginners, bondage may simply be those joke pink fluffy handcuffs you received for your 18th birthday. However bondage also involves the use of rope, cuffs, tape, or whatever you can tie someone up with, in order to do just that. The letter “B” in the acronym “BDSM” comes from the word “bondage”. The whole idea of bondage is both for pleasure and for the way it looks. The dominant partner gets to feel in control, while the submissive (or sub) gets to feel, well, submissive.

Don’t be afraid of getting a little kinky in the boudoir. Of course, there’s more involved in kink, so do your research, find out what works for you, and most of all, enjoy yourself!

When we first hear the word “kink”, many of us imagine a latex-clad dominatrix wielding a 9-inch dildo with pink fluffy handcuffs hanging off her crotchless panties. And heck, some people are into that. But there is SO MUCH MORE to the world of kink. Let me repeat: kinky sex is not all about semi-terrifying fucking to your heart’s, or private parts’, content. A little kink can go a long way in spicing up a sex life, or making your one night stand remember your name. It’s different, it’s exciting, it’s sexy.

Now, I’ll happily admit I’m into a bit of the kinky-dinky stuff. Not heavily into it, but I’ll dabble. And I give it my seal of approval. Kink is all about pushing the boundaries of sex, and leaning away from that missionary-vanilla shit they teach you in sex-ed. It means you can get uber intimate with whoever you’re boning, and explore fantasies you’ve had since you became comfortable using the “search” bar on Pornhub. And although “kink” does sound dirty as fuck, it’s not all about BDSM (for those of you who aren’t up to date with your sexual terminology, BDSM is a variety of sexual practices that tend to involve dominance and submission, roleplay and restraint). “Kink” can involve a range of freaky acts that will make you go dayuuuuum, and question whether it’s normal to want someone to tie you to the bed and bone you. It involves fetishes, curiosities and desires, but is, of course, focused on achieving that mind-blowing orgasm we all desire. When it comes to kink, there’s something for everyone. You just have to be open-minded and see where the night takes you.

Coming from a female perspective, Tinder is a minefield of half-clothed, snapback wearing, “hanging with the squad” males looking for somewhere to put their dick. I’m sure girls are just as bad, but that’s just what I’ve seen—for the most part it’s about sifting through a gazillion profiles and swiping left so much you think you’re in a Beyonce song. If you’re using Tinder, expect to see at least some of the following:

1. A selfie of them flexing at the gym.
2. A selfie of them in bed, looking sleepy yet seductive.
3. A picture of them with the squad, so you can’t tell which one you’re actually swiping for.
4. A list of their likes and dislikes, including how they like to have fun and/or relax (hint: sex).
5. A picture of them in Thailand, probably from 2010.
6. A bio mentioning their Instagram.
7. An ass/abs selfie.
8. If you’re lucky, a picture of them and their partner saying they’re “looking for a good time”.

Tinder is comedy gold, but keep in mind these are real people, with real feelings, so be nice, swipe left if you’re not keen and keep swiping till you find that perfect person.

Ground rules for a Tinder meet up

If you’re going to meet someone off Tinder, don’t be an idiot: the person may seem lovely over the app, but may turn out to be someone completely different. The internet is full of stories about Tinder gone wrong, although thankfully it’s more about cat-fishing than actual danger. However, keep the following rules in mind if you’re venturing out to meet that Tinder hottie:

1. Meet in public. It’s the number one rule because it’s the one that’s gonna keep you safe. Don’t trust anyone from the internet enough to meet them at their house on the first date. Dodgy as fuck.
2. Be on the same page about what you want. More often than not you’ll find people on Tinder are after sex, and nothing more. Save yourself the potential heartbreak/ humiliation by being honest from the get-go.
3. Use protection. If you’re gonna have sex with someone from Tinder, remember to keep yourself safe from STDs and unplanned pregnancy. If they say they’re clean, don’t trust them. If she says she’s on the pill, don’t trust her. Always use a condom.
4. Beware of false profiles. A lot of Tinder profiles are either bots or catfish, designed to trick you into believing you’ve met the love (or fuck) of your life. If possible, check out their Facebook first.

Tinder is a minefield. Use it wisely, don’t take it too seriously, and enjoy yourself. And remember to keep yourself safe. Now go forth, swipe right, and see where this glorious app takes you.

But Tinder can be daunting—sifting through a thousand photos, eliminating the definite no-nos, accidentally swiping right and immediately screaming NO NO NO, packing your bags and moving to Antarctica cause you’d really rather not.

Over the next two weeks I will be sharing some tips and hints for making Tinder or Grindr less cringe-worthy, and more bang-worthy. Stay tuned.

Reasons for using

A lot of people use Tinder for casual hook-ups. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s all people are using Tinder for. So, if you’re looking for a meaningful, long-term relationship, chances are you’re shit out of luck. But, there are other reasons people use Tinder. Recently there was an internet trend where people tried to get their Tinder matches to send them pizza, and it seemed to work. Free food > sex is apparently a huge thing on the dating app. And there are more reasons for using the app as well. One of my friends once said “I go on Tinder to see what my dating life could be like, I’m just too lazy to actually do anything about it”. Another one of my friends “has over 300 Tinder matches, but hasn’t been hit on in real life in months”. If you’re using Tinder, keep in mind that it’s not the be-all and end-all of the dating world. There is this glorious thing called “real life” where people actually want to date, and not just fuck, and sometimes you gotta put down your phone and meet those people.