Salient » Candy Badger

An Article on Love in Two Parts

Eliza Golightly — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 18:00:42 +0000

I was raised in an all-female household. When we were done re-watching Disney films, we would sit with our mother and watch the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice over and again: the melodramatic tale of two protagonists who have a long-lasting desire to get it on, and finally declare their love and get married.

I have recently come to realise that this film has influenced the amount of time and drama I will allow to unfold when it comes to being with the person I love.

I met my current boyfriend when I was 17. With his long hair, band t-shirts and seemingly unflappable attitude, I was instantly smitten. But lacking the maturity level necessary to not act like a 10-year-old, I proceeded to let him know I liked him by being rude and calling him names. Unfortunately, most people have outgrown this, and so my dreams of him entering my room at night to declare he thought my t-shirt was awesome, resulting in a pash-fest, seemed unlikely.

I finally got together with him on a night where he was singing a crude song about me, to me, and I had to kiss him to get him to stop. But then the university year ended and we decided to break-up and see where we were the following year. We didn’t get back together.

For the next four years, I remained ‘in like’ with him and he couldn’t care less.

Other than occasionally making out when we were both drunk enough, he thought my crazy bitch drunk-texting a bit much to handle. However, we talked nearly every day, which lead me to fall deeply and desperately in love – whereas he probably thought of me as that girl he talks to every day. It probably meant he was never allowed to stop caring about me and being my support person who things got shit.

After finishing my degree, I began seriously thinking about moving overseas, and I talked to him about it. We talked of adventure and Jack Kerouac. On the night before I left, I got outrageously drunk and told him I “didn’t want him to be with anyone else”.

He nervously laughed and told me I tasted like vomit.

On that night, as I lay in bed at the sublet I was set to move out of the next day, with the girl who was meant to move in the next day, I read that he loved me through tear-soaked eyes. It was my waking up at dawn to find Darcy in the paddock, and we had both overcame our pride and our prejudices. My Carrie in Paris when Big comes to tell her he’ll not be a dick anymore.

I spent the rest of my time away talking to him and being in a long-distance relationship with someone I had been in love with for five years, regardless of distance – kissing over webcam, talking drunk about getting served at a bar by the bassist from Pavement, and lusting over doing it.

Later, I learned he had wanted to be with me for a while, but didn’t know how to tell me directly. Now when we’re in bed I know he’s looking at me ‘cause he thinks I’m a babe, not because he wants to walk my embarrassing ass home so he can sleep.

It took me five years and, it would seem, I had to put an 18-hour time difference between us, but now I’m living out the ideas I have of love – not day-dreaming about them.

When we talk about moving overseas together, or I think about what he said to me the night before, I get like my friend does when she watches romantic films: I clasp my hands and sigh, filled so with love I get love glow.

* * *

I was in love once. It was fine. Until it all turned to shit.

I met this guy through my co-writer, Eliza. Slash that’s a lie—he was in my politics class in second year and I thought he was totes a babe and then my esteemed colleague took a class with him and then I was like “woo wanna tap that shit” and so I did and then after a while he was my boyfriend.

Fast forward 2.5 years. We shared an apartment, and what a sweet apartment it was. It had all the mod cons, like carpet and electricity and windows that looked out onto a concrete wall. I was IN LOVE with this apartment—more so than with my missus. But we were in love, because we said I love you. Sometimes we had sex but not that often because I was just. Not. That. Into. Him.

Then one day he came home and dropped a bomb (like, fi guratively—not a crap that destroyed the toilet). He said a girl had given him a handjob in the university library but it wasn’t cheating because they didn’t kiss. Seriously you couldn’t make this shit up. So I dumped his ass. Best choice I made in 2.5 years.

A week later I scored a guy with a massive cock and a week after THAT I scored this dude who is now my missus. And they are babes. And I was like woo!!

The moral is: I fell out of love. It happens. I didn’t care about the breakup. I was kinda pissed about the cheating for a bit. Like a day and a half. But I was sooo over that hairy douche anyway.

Looking back, I have wondered: was I actually in love? It was a different love to my previous boyfriend, who was my first love. And it’s a different type of love with my current missus. Those loves are also different to how I love gin and Sesame Street and whipping my hair back and forth—mostly at the same time. But as an expert on every topic (including boatology and ghostology* which I have studied extensively), I henceforth decree that love is generally a load of crap that ends badly, except when Sesame Street is involved coz Big Bird is the mannnn.

Really the only good thing about love is the more relationships you have that end badly, the better you know you’ll soon get over the dropkick you once loved. And the other best part is when you’re on the rebound and you score babes but not when it results in rippage (shame).

Fast forward a year and, if you’re like me, you’ll facepalm slash spew in your mouth or maybe on the bus** when you think about someone you used to love.

* if anyone’s able to put up capital for mine and Eliza’s next project, deep-sea diving to haunted shipwrecks, holla atcha gurl candy.b.badger@gmail.com

** don’t eat curry before travelling on a bus

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 18:13:11 +0000

This is my last column of the year slash ever. BOO HOO!!!! Love you all lots and fanks for reading!
Kisses 4evah!
Candy

Hi Candy,

So there’s this girl I’m trying to impress, she’s coming over to dinner Friday with her friend 3rd Wheel (3rd Wheel invited them over), and maybe some other people. Anyway, what should I cook? And how can I ditch the others? Hope you can help!!

Top Chef

P.S. I saw a badger the other day, maybe you know him/her? S/he was stuffed and posing at a taxidermy shop.

Hello Top Chef!

Fuck I hate those third wheels. So awkward. Tonight I had dinner with Salient’s designer and editor and one of them was the third wheel. Or maybe I was the third wheel. One of us was definitely a third wheel and it was SO AWKWARD OMG none of us could pash at Scopa.

My best advice in this situation is generally to make an obstacle course, kinda like on Wipeout, but possibly with very poisonous snakes and penguins, and then whoever survives that gets dinner. Hopefully that includes your date. Then give everyone except yourself food poisoning but hold your date’s hair back while she spews and then you’ll win her heart and everyone will learn an icky lesson about third-wheeling.

Love
Candy B!
PS That’s my mum :( :( :( :(

Dearest Candy,

My friends keep telling me I’m an alcoholic but I can stop whenever I want. I just don’t want to.

How do I make them leave me alone? Should I throw bottles at them?

Regards,
Sue Denim

Dear Sooz,

Do you wear double denim? ZOMG the other night I scored a guy wearing double denims. I didn’t really realise but then my friend reminded me the other day and I was like SHAME. He’s pretty babein though, I’m torn.

Don’t worry about your friends. Just get drunk and make friends with trees. They don’t hate.

Love,
Me

I have always wondered what the “B” stands for in your middle name. But I digress.

I told my friend i’d go running with her, and it was fine to start with but now she always wants to run uphills
and sprint and what not. I’m so not into Wellingtons hills. If I die because she makes me run up aro valley again can I sue her? Or get someone to sue for me (cos i’ll be dead). Please help me. Our relationship is on the rocks and I really don’t want to have to go back to student counselling cos last time we did that together they thought we were a couple when we are actually just running buddies (which got awkward because I lived with her brothers friend last year who liked her but wouldn’t date her and ended up pashing my sister instead. See? Awkward.)

cheers

Dear No Name,

Fuck I hate hills. Please don’t run up a hill. Feign a broken leg instead or, even better, actually break your leg. I walked up a hill the other day, all the way from town to the Botanic Gardens. It was fucking insane. But it’s the only way to live a life based on Scopa margherita pizza, Milky Bars and beer and not be a rhinobadgero-saurus. Also, you may want to ask a real lawyer about sueing but I’d say it’s worth a try. I didn’t make it past first year law though. Shame.

GOOD LUCK,
Candy

PS The ‘B’ is just coz candy.badger@gmail.com is taken. I wonder how many emails meant for me she’s received this year. Everyone should email her and apologise!

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 18:14:02 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy,

I have a professional crush. I had never met him until recently, when I discovered he is also really lovely and completely swoonworthy. He lives really far away though. What do i do?

Swoon

P.S. I think you’re a babe too.

Dear Swoony,

I think you should jump on a train/horse/submarine and rush to his side and pash his face. It’s what I’d do.

Alternatively, after the above step ^^ go to his house, wait outside his room till he goes to the shower, and then call his cellphone and leave a message of yourself breathing heavily. And then when he comes back you’ll see his WILLY!

<3 Candy

Dear Candy,

I was wondering if you had ever faced any discrimination due to the fact you’re a badger? I am an ocelot and I find humans most disparaging. This cute dude in my 200 level psych paper always calls animal control when I try to make the moves.

Any advice?

xxx

Lemony Ocelot

Dear Lemony,

That has happened to me also but only because I was outside his house, breathing heavily and watching him get dressed.

Generally people are quite nice to me and pat me and give me badger snacks. But my flatmates wouldn’t let me join their soccer team and say I have to be a ‘spectator’ because of my badgerness.

Totes unfair—I know I could be great.

Then I bit them bitches and gave them rabies.

Kisses,

Candy.

Dear Candy Badger,

I have a massive as crush on this student magazine advice columnist, let’s call them ‘Bandy Cadger’, but they don’t even know that I exist! What should I do?

Regards,

Lucy Pivac

Dear Lucy,

I hear Bandy is a mega babe and though she’s in hot demand, she’s looking for the right person to sweep her off her feet.

She likes feeding ducks, riding Crocodile Mobiles around the waterfront, hollandaise and spooning.

My best advice is get really rich and shower Bandy with gifts (like ponies and googly-eye cactii), and you’ll win her heart in no time.

Good luck,

Bandy
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 18:12:20 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear CB

How do I tell Sam I love her. She is on Youtube. She lives in New York. My friends tell me that she is not real, she is just pixels on a screen, but I don’t believe them. I know she’s real. She talks to me in her videos. I know she does… Help me Candylicious.

Dear yourself,

I think we’ve been through this already. Don’t lick the screen—it’s dusty and you might get electrocuted.

I had a YouTube crush once or twice. Once on the Trolololo man. Once on Rihanna. Fuck she is hot.

In both cases, I started fan fiction websites. I think you should make Sam one. I write stories about my threesomes with Rihanna and the Trolololo man. The singing is incredible. I actually record myself singing three-part harmonies and upload them to my website for fellow Trolololo-Rihanna fiends to listen/sing along to.

Much love,
Candy

Dear Candy Badger,

My BF won’t go outside

He forgot the outside world exists

Whats up with that?

What should I do to make him rejoin society?

from
me

Dear me,
Is your boyfriend the person who wrote the letter above this one ^^^?

I have this theory. It sounds really weird. But it’s that we actually all live in the Matrix. So if we all live in the Matrix then maybe there is no outside world. Unless there is an outside world in the Matrix. I’ve only watched it like, once, in fourth form. And I wasn’t really paying attention coz I’d just had a terrible bicycle crash.

This is a completely true story. Want to know how a badger rides a bicycle? Look inside yourself for the answer.

Peace,
Badge.

Dear Candy.

I have this horrible fear that I will end up like that guy on the movie, the 40 year old virgin. Even though I am only 21 I still haven’t had sex throughout my time at University and I really want to.

I may come across as a bit of a geek, or someone who doesn’t like to talk because I like to appear as a good listener rather than a good speaker. How can I come across better to the ladies??

All my friends have lost their virginity and I want to feel like I can have some pride in finally becoming a Man.

Thanks

Boy-Wonder

Dear Boy-Wonder,

I hate it when I turn 40 and I’m still a virgin! It’s the worst. Slash, you’ve never had sex? Wo. That’s wack. You obviously lived in the wrong hostel. Mine was full of the sex, and bedbugs.

The secret to getting ladies is to be a total asshole. Maybe wear leather pants, and start rapping. That’s cool too. Or do something wacky that makes you more individual, like getting a wooden leg. Or become really rich. Everyone likes sleeping with rich people (if the price is right).

But seriously there’s nothing wrong with having your V plates. Secks kinda sucks till you get some practice anyway.

I hope you get lucky within the next 19 years,

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 18:12:35 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hai Candy

So i’m having mild geographical problemos.

i live in a different part of this fine country to my sweetheart, who doesn’t actually know that she is my sweetheart yet. i’m just a little worried that if i pursue anything, we’ll be separated by a mean amount of terrain for like, the whole summer, and who knows what that’s gonna do. is it worth going for anything more than something casual?

also, are you in a relationship with uther dean? i overheard that @ vic.

thx for your halp

love,
the great pumpkin

YO!

OMG I love pumpkin. It is one of the best vegetables. I hate when it goes mouldy though, and you have to cut the mould off, coz those bitches are hard to cut. I also like tomatoes but I don’t know if they’re a vegetable or a fruit. My ex says they’re a fruit, but I think you have to be able to put fruit in fruit salad. And tomatoes in ya fruit salad is not ok.

I think you should just do her. I liked a babe once. He lives in [redacted so he doesn’t know I’m talking about him]. He’s REALLY hot. Or at least he was when I was pissed out of my mind at my friend’s birthday. So, obviously I scored him. And then I saw him again several months later when he came back. Not as hot. Kinda short. May have a lisp. TERRIBLE SHOES. God they were terrible. He may have also had smelly feet. Worst taste.

In conclusion, just do her.

Love,
Candy

Dear Candy Badger,

I am a girl. I like a girl. Well, sort of. I sort of like two girls.

One of them can’t spell, but she’s super hot. The other one is also super hot, but she just got back from a ten day stint at a silent meditation camp and now I think she’s lost her voice. What should I do?

Yours,
Not a lesbian player

Dear you,

You have weird taste. Mostly coz you like girls. They’re fucking annoying and all they talk about is their hair and recipes. Get them to cook me some food, would ya? I am so keen for a cannelloni.

I think you should go for the voiceless one—totally the best kind of woman. One who can’t bitch at you for leaving the toilet seat up when the underside of it is covered in pooz backsplash.

Hope this helps!

<3 Me

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 18:15:57 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hi Candy Badger,

There is a boy who works at a cafe on campus. I think they are really attractive. I go there almost every day, but I don’t know what to do. Candy Badger, can you please give me some advice!? I’ve tried internet lurking to find out their name/sexual preference/relationship status but to no avail! I don’t want to hit on them and make a fool of myself. Can you do it for me? I know you’ll pull through with some helpful advice, I know it!
I am a boy too, which makes this situation slightly more difficult, but I think one time they smiled at me, so I have high hopes.

Love you, <3 xx.

Dear Ed,
I would do the stalking for you, but there’s a hill in the way (and we all know how I feel about hills (or if we don’t—I hate them (largely because of my midgety legs. And my asthma. Cough cough.)))
I smiled at someone once. They smiled back and it turned out they had no teeth! Scary.
In conclusion, either ask them out, or don’t. That place is probably overpriced anyway and remember the Christian café has way better coffee.

Luff,
Candy

Hey Badg,

Do you want an authentic letter to reply to in next weeks Slayient?
Here goes:

Badgi,

OK. so I haven’t been a kiwi all my life, maybe there’s something I’m missing here… Hopefully you can explain, or at least wag an appendage in some general direction and claim it fact.

Why is it that the ladies (yes, I’m generalising here) lack so much confidence? Do they not realise that the confidence that comes frm self-awareness is one of the most attractive characteristics they can possess? It’s way better than a massive rack, I’m not kidding see, because it can endure. Come on ladies, its bloody obvious when you lack this inner strength because of the difference in how you act when sober versus ‘on the piss’.

Fucking hell, I mean do you honestly expect to have any quality of life if most of your social experiences and spontenaety require boozing?

Finally, while I’m on this rant, may I just state: a little consistency goes a very long way in relationships. But if you’re gonna “change just like di weather, I tell ya punk don’t mess wit meeeee.”

Cheers,

Bounty

Dear Sir or Madam:

Thank you for your letter with the subject line ‘please stop making shit up’. I think it’s time everyone knew the truth—I don’t make up these letters. The Salient staff just happen to have a lot of problems.

I think the answer to your question is because they have vaginas. Flappy ones. And all the time they spend in the kitchen (with occasional trips to the laundry) makes them a bit shy except when it comes to conversation with appliances and vegetables. Dancing vegetables.

Sometimes I am a woman, in some people’s opinions, but I am also generally drunk and brave except when I’m hungover and cranky. But I always ask boys to pash and they’re all like wo ok and then we’re like kissing noises / babies.

That’s about it.

<3 Candy

I HAVE FACEBOOK NOW! FRIEND ME! AND YOU SHOULD TOTES VOTE FOR ME IN ACADEMIC IDOL AS WELL… PROMISE I WILL DO SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS IF I WIN! XOXO CANDY!

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 18:06:02 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hey Candy,
I am an international student from America (fuck yeah!) and I have been trying to figure out exactly what I should scream whilst bungee jumping (to commemorate me wetting myself). This will be filmed and serve as an endless example of my cowardice. Whenever I really think about it, all I come up with is, “My Dick!”

Help would be appreciated,
Freefall Freddie.

Dear Freddie,

Gosh, I hope you didn’t already bungee during the university break. I told the editor we should rush out an issue to get your advice to you, but she was toooo busy sunning herself on her tropical holiday (in Feilding).

You know what’s even better than pissing your pants? Pissing on other people. Therefore I double dare you not to wear pants when you bungee.

Given that you are American, it’s a great opportunity to yell something about how much you love your country! I’m thinking along the lines of ‘take that, Taliban scum!’.

Then instead of Freefall Freddie, you’ll be the Patriotic Pisser.
Love,
Candy

Hey Candy,

Mmm starbursts…

Wait no off topic…

I do have a slight delima or a pretty big problem depending on what angle you look at it, right now I’m looking at it from a 190 degree angle and it dont look good…

Im a very happy go lucky person but lately I have been stuck in a funk, well by lately I mean the last 4 months and not the groovy funk music kinda funk either…

Im always very nice to people and do a lot for others (karma yeah?) but for the last 4 months in no particular order I have been abused, used, ditched, lied to and broken by the people who I thought were there for me..

And kinda now losing faith in people I shouldnt because of this..

My question to you dear Candy of the Badgerness is what can I do or what should I do to get out of this funk..?

yours
Not a very funky monkey..

Dear you,

I know how you feel. I just farted and it smells really bad. Funky, you might say.

Short of a mass murder, you could go find some new friends. There’s heaps of people out there looking for a new friend. You could add me on Facebook, then go through my friends list and pick yourself a few keepers (I don’t know who any of them are so you can have whoever you want!).

I’m a big believer in karma, so if you behave yourself and eat all your vegetables, do your homework and go to sleep early, you’ll win the Lotto and then everyone will want to be your friend!

And if that fails, you could get revenge on all those dicks by putting buckets on top of doors, concrete in their flippers, a grizzly bear in their wardrobe etc.

SMOOOOOCH!
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 18:11:13 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy,
I like to start fights with people on the internet, mostly by mocking the shit out of their terrible, terrible grammar. Recently no one seems to be biting back. Should I be taking a different approach, or just step up my game a little bit?

Please advise,
-Internet Bully

Dear Bully,

How about getting some real life hobbies that don’t require the internet, like skateboarding and picking your nose? These are fun. You can bully people in real life too, as long as you’re big, but you’re probably not due to the muscle waste caused by using a computer.

The best way to bully people in real life over their terrible grammar would be to become a tutor, which is convenient since you’re a university student. (Or if you’re not, why are you reading this? Freak.) Students probably won’t bite back, sadly, but you can get a lot of satisfaction out of red penning their essays that they probably spent a good two hours working on. Or you could sub for Salient!

Churrrrr,
Candy

Hey Candy,

Oh shit. So long story short, me and my best friend who is also my flatmate (who is a girl, like me) started casually pashing at partays, shindigs and discoteques. It was all good clean pashin’ fun until, well, it’s moved beyond just being at parties to basically all the time. Like literally. We live in Aro and have no heater so spoon to keep out the cold. She thinks it’s just physical and we’re experiementing, but I’ve been developing feelings for her. I always thought she was babein’ but I now see her inner babe as well. I really want to tell her how I feel but she has a boyfriend who I get on real well with. Actually, me and her boyfriend kinda used to go out ages ago and I think he may still have feelings for me. He’s a sweet guy (and the coach of my social netball team) but he’s just not my type anymore. Complicated, eh?! Anyway, he’s not really there for my flatmate anymore the way that I am. I real don’t want to hurt his feelings but at the same time I have such feelings for his girlfriend that I have to do something! Pashin’ and spoonin’ ain’t enough for me anymore. Now, just to make it even more complicated, the boyfriend has found out about me and her and wants to meet up next week (when he’s back from his snowboarding trip) to “discuss the situation”. What do I say? What do I want? What do I do? I think he’s gonna suggest a 3some. But I’m over phalluses and just want his girlfriend all to myself. Help me, Candy, what do I do?

Fuckity fuck,>

K00ky K@t

PS – Soz, ended up longer than I expected!
Dear K00ky,

I love to pash! But it certainly gets complicated when you pash someone else’s pash property. However, I’ve found a simple solution here.

You should Photoshop his face onto some pictures of gay porn, break into his house, then leave them somewhere where your flatmate will find them. Like the kitchen.

Or maybe you should tell your flatmate how you feel. She might be keen for your box just like you are for hers.

Speaking of boxes, you guys should build a fort!

Hope it works out,
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 18:19:42 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy Badger,
I met this guy in Maya, he bought me a jagerbomb so I agreed to go back to his villa. I woke up the next day to find I am now part of a human centipede, what should I do?
Regards,
Stuck in the middle

Dear Buttmunch,
Never take a Jägerbomb from a stranger! I’ve never even had one ever in my laif to avoid running into problems like yours.
Don’t worry though, there is a bright side: You coulda been the end of the centipede. Then you’d be eating everyone’s poos, and no one would eat yours. Boo hoo. Also, you have access to the internet and can therefore Facebook chat with me. (Add me! Candy Badger’s the name!)
Also, the middle survives in the movie so maybe you will too. Best of luck. I hope the villa is well insulated/not in Aro Valley/you have a big centipede poncho.
Best wishes,
Candy

Hi Candy Badger,
My name is Candy Badger too, from Manitoba Canada. Thanks for the great articles, I tell all my friends that I wrote them and take all the credit, haha!
Keep up the good work!
Candy Badger

Dear Candy,
Last time I checked, you were writing this column and I was passing it off as my own. Now I’m weally confused.
?
Also Candy Badger

Dear Candy Badger,
I think my flatmate is in love with me. He keeps getting drunk and Facebook messaging me from the next room over about how he loves ‘someone’ and it’s a ‘bad idea’ then refusing to say who it is. Trouble is I don’t like him and now I feel like I’m constantly being watched in my own home. All I want is to never change out of my pajamas and to spill food on myself unnoticed!

Help!

Dear Help!
You’re so vain, you probably think his Facebook messages are about you, but they’re so totally about your hot friend, the one who gets all the boys and makes you feel lonely and ugly and insignificant. He likes her more than he likes you because of your messy pants, and because the crusted-up ice cream near the crotch looks like semen.
Once they get together, you won’t have to talk to him online anymore. You’ll be sung to sleep by their rooting noises.
Or maybe he does like you, in which case you should either a) pash his face or b) probably move out. Or a) then b). Happens to the best of us.
Thanks for writing,
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 18:22:07 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy Badger,

I think I am turning Japanese. I really think so.

Yours ablactatingly,

JONO BONEZ

Dear Jono,
Being Japanese is okay. I mean, I’ve never actually been Japanese (or to Japan), but one time we had a Japanese exchange student at my house. We weren’t allowed to tell my grandfather though—he was in World War II and not at all down with Japan.

Pokemons are Japanese, and everyone likes them, except for when you’re trying to go somewhere and a fucking fatass Snorlax is blocking your way. Maybe you could carry a samurai sword and chop him up and turn him into sushi. So just roll with it.

Sayonara Jono san,
Candy

[Editor’s note: Clearly Candy Badger does not get that this letter references a song entitled ‘Turning Japanese’ by The Vapors. Did they do any other songs? Like, ever?]

Dear Candy,

I have a crush, but he lives in the interwebs. How can I pash him? Do you think I can google it? Is the screen going to get in the way of sexy time? What about censorship legislation?

Love

I-tried-licking-the-screen-but-it-didn’t-taste-so-good

Dear You
I hope we’re talking about a real man and not just the Microsoft Word talking paperclip, because I have a feeling his diddle is quite small and sharp. He’s also fucking annoying and asks too many questions.

Other people to not fall in love with:
• People who show you their cock on Chatroulette
• Cops in chatrooms pretending to be children to lure creepy internet people into lives behind bars
• Nigerian scammers
• Spambots (which aren’t people at all, just robots with poor grammar)

Anyone else is fair game. If you meet them in real life, do it in a public place yada yada no dark alleys, take a taser, use a condom, etc. Don’t have sex with your computer because a lot of people get computer mouses stuck up their bums and then have to go to hospital and that’s awkward (especially the getting-to-the-hospital part—I recommend an ambulance rather than driving yourself or waddling there). And you can also get electrocuted through your secretions.

That’s all for now,
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 18:19:59 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Here is some hollandaise.

Here is a picture of me.

Now imagine me swimming in the hollandaise.

Hawt.

Candy I need your help.

My Dad is liek totes over protective. My squeeze has been staying with me in my flat for liek 3 weeks or something and my dad is all liek “He’s just no good. He’s a no hoper.”

I totes need some help on this one. My squeeze has his own place but I totes liek having him around. I don’t think he has many friends becoz he liek never introduced me to any. We’ve been going out for liek a month and a half. I really totes liek him. Why wont my stoopid dad shut up?

I Need A Hero

Dear you,
Your dad is a dick! You should egg his house! He’ll never suspect it was you. Your bf sounds like a total babe also. You guys should get married, and invite me instead of your dad. And then when he’s old you should put him in a really shitty resthome. Also, you should definitely have heaps of babies. You two sound like exactly the sort of people who should reproduce.

XOXO
Candy

Hi Candy

You recently took part in our Work-life Balance survey and I am delighted to tell you that you have won a 6 month magazine subscription.

To collect your prize, please email me your full name, postal address and choice of the below subscription.

Cuisine
NZ Fishing
NZ Gardener
NZ House and Garden
Congratulations and we look forward to your participation in our up and coming reader panel activities!

Warm regards,
Helen
mysundayview team

Dear Sunday Star Times,
Shame, you gave a magazine subscription to a Salient columnist with a fake name.
Lolz.
My mum’s really enjoying House and Garden though.
Thanks,
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 30 May 2010 18:14:37 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Campy Fadger,

I have accidentally entered into a long term same-sex relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against queer people (except my penis it seems), I just happen to be straight. Nothing in my life would mortify me more than being accused of homophoba (the worst disease, you can’t love who you want to love in times like these). That’s kinda how the problem started. See I was out at some bar and this guy started hitting on me and I just couldn’t find a point to state the fact that I simply prefer womania to man-chunk and, well, yadda yadda yadda, now we’re moving in together. What do I do? How do I tell him without breaking his heart or looking like a homophobe?

Love, glove and disco-dancing,
Grab Can Eddy

Hola Eduard,
Wow. You fucked up. There’s only one thing to do in such a situation—fake your death.

Do you go boating? If not, that’s probably even better. All you need to do is somehow get your hands on a boat (I’m sure Salient’s editor is going to write a disclaimer about the magazine not endorsing the theft of boats). The less boating experience you have, the more likely it is that you’d run into boating trouble, right?

So you need to sail out somewhere, maybe Somes Island or the Marlborough Sounds (people die on boats there all the time). That’s step two. I recommend going alone because then you have no one to fuck up your story. You’re going to need to crash the boat onto some rocks and somehow go missing. Are you a strong swimmer? God, I hope so. To make it even more realistic, why not throw some pirate booty about the deck and spread around some tomato sauce so it looks like you got stabbed (sworded, perhaps) and kidnapped by pirates.

Alternatively, go out on a boat with someone else (the dude you’re otherwise going to be stuck with for the rest of your life, for instance) and when he’s asleep, spread around some tomato sauce, jump overboard and swim to shore to begin your new life (I recommend avoiding shark-infested waters, especially if you have your period). He’ll go to jail and you’ll be free to live out your days under a newly-assumed identity without fear of running into him in the street. Coz that would be awkward!

There’s no way it could fail.

Kisses,
Candy

yoooouuuuuuu.

y do gurls luv bieber? he looks like a gurl. totes.
is r pattz still cool?

f

Dear f,

Recently my boss told me my hair looked like Justin Bieber’s. I’mma waste that cunt (after I’ve been to the gym a few more times). Maybe girls like Bieber because he reminds them of themselves and is a positive role model coz he eats and shit (not actually because he weighs 40.3 kilograms).

Also, R Pattz never was cool. Not after I saw Jacob’s body anyway. Hohhhhhhhhhh. And since Taylor Lautner’s birthday is February 11, 1992, I only have to wait like eight months till he is half my age plus seven. Ooh baby baby.

<3 Candy

Competitive candy,

I have two friends competing with one another to see who will get the best mark in second semester Mark101.
I want to stir shit and make this bigger than it should be.
I need expert help on how to blow this shit out of the water.
We have a Facebook group.
Help?

Shit-stirring friend.

Dear sir,

When I first read your email, I was all ‘what subject is MARK? Is that, like, MARKING? Your friends studying MARKING?!’ It’s coz you said ‘mark’ twice in one sentence and confused me. Shut up. I also just noticed you say ‘shit’ rather a lot (four times, in fact). And because of this, I will not only help you blow this shit out of the water. I will help you make it a ma-fucken POO EXPLOOOOOOOOOOSION!

First off, you’re probably going to need to get more than 26 people in your Facebook group. Why not give a Popsicle to everyone who invites all their friends? That’s what a chick at my high school did to try to get voted Head Girl (she came second, so it kinda worked). You’ll probably need some better graphics in your Facebook group too. They are laaaaame. They are so lame they look like they were made by the same person who designed that shitarse Stuff.co.nz site (ZING, BITCHES).

Maybe you could even get Salient to write a news story about it. This is the kind of hard-hitting issue that students want/need to read more about.

I’m just fucking with you man, that’s the worst competition idea ever.

Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 23 May 2010 18:14:04 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dearest Candy,

How do you write an awesome hate letter?

Love,

The invisible Unicorn.

Dear Uni,

Generally I like to begin writing hate letters by choosing a pencil. An HB pencil is a fine choice if you’re a beginner. Later on you can move to other grades, or even coloured pencils. The pros just cut out letters from magazines, ransom note-style.

Lots of swearing is key when writing a hate letter. As are violent threats and using the word ‘hate’ at least once every paragraph.

Adding in an illustration of your preferred method of maiming/killing the recipient is also a nice touch.

But the most important thing to know is never, ever burn down their house if they have one of those mailbox slots in their front door, because then your letter will also burn, and your letter-writing efforts (and my teaching) will be in vain.

Yours sincerely,

C. Badger.

I’m also kind of a big deal on the Twitternets at the moment. If you want to tweet me a question, send it to @candybadger. That’s how I got these gems:

My friend recently kissed a guy who’s a bit sensitive. How can I stop her from hurting his feelings?

Flatmate Doer

Not you again! Just jokes (but not actually). Why did you let your friend kiss a sensitive guy in the first place? Sensitive is just a euphemism for LOSER and she shouldn’t be hitting that shit. Solution: Stop doing your flatmate, start doing either Mr Sensitive (loser) or your friend (you know you want to). Then it will be OVAH!!!

Candy

Dear Candy, I think I’ve slept with everyone in Wellington. Where can I meet some new people to do?

Dear person with no name,

High five and a Good Effort sticker for you! Maybe try heading up to Palmerston North for a weekend and picking up a firstie at High Flyers or Scarfies. It’ll be terrible, but variety is the spice of life, or something. For a little less spicyness, make sure you use protection, if you know what I mean (gonorrhoea BURNS).

You’re my hero,

Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 16 May 2010 18:12:26 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

How much cans can candy badger bag if candy badger did bag cans?

Dear person who didn’t even say hi or bye,

I’ve been waiting for someone to ask this question. You’ve probably noticed a lot more badgers working at New World supermarkets around the city in recent times. It’s due to Foodstuffs discovering badgers have the perfect hands (paws?) for bagging cans—much like how Lockwood Smith once said that Asians have tiny hands, perfect for picking fruit.

I reckon I could bag heaps of cans, if I bagged cans. Like, at least ten over a one-minute period. It’d be bag-canalicious.

Candy OUT!

What is the best way to hit someone with out leaving a bruise?

Crumble

Dear Crumbly,

Isn’t it obvious? Dead bodies don’t bruise. So if you want to beat your kids, but don’t want to leave bruises, make sure you kill them dead first.

If you really can’t kill the bruisee—for example, if you have nowhere to stash the body, no shovel to dig a hole or no car to drive it down to the riverbank—I’d suggest hitting them with something soft, like a cake.

Candy

[Editor’s note: Hitting people with cake is much better than killing them. Don’t kill people. You shouldn’t hit people either. Eat cake instead.]

Wassup,

I am Milion, hottest female coming out of Atlanta!! Check out my new single called “Outfit” featuring Yung LA! Hit me up if you feelin’ the song and I’ll come through your spot and show you love!!!

Dear Milion,
If you plan to come through my spot and show me love, you must use protection, and I’m going to need to see a recent STI test result. You’re also going to need to woo me by taking me on a date to the Downtown Local, and picking up the bill.

Keen,
Candy Vadger

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 02 May 2010 18:14:45 +0000

Dear randy vadger,

I have a very high sex drive. My boyfriend likes to have sex about five times a week. personally, its not enough. I would rather ten times a week. I wanna fuck (make love) till it hurts. I just bought it up with him (he’s gone down stairs to think) and he’s really upset.

What should I do? No way do I wanna sleep with other people. Do you think I’m a nymph? Should I go to sex addict rehab like tiger and jesse? I’m at a loss, I love this guy to bits and don’t wanna lose him. Help?

Cheers,
Sexual guy

Dear Mr Sexual,
Because your email arrived with the subject line ‘Serious question, please answer seriously’, I will be super serious, like always.

You sure want a lot of sex. Some of us would say you’re lucky to be getting five times a week/year! It’s definitely something you need to talk about, but if your missus is getting upset, that won’t help. Make sure you discuss it in a non-confrontational way and listen to his views!

Otherwise, if you really, really can’t not have more sex… maybe you need to look at an open relationship, or even parting ways.

Short of going to sex addict rehab, you should talk to a counsellor (they’re free for students via the Counselling Service!). They’re really helpful and easy to talk to and can give you professional advice.

All the best,
Randy

Dear candybadger,

I lyk totes flew up 2 aks 2 c Justin bieber an i had a sine tht like said ‘JUSTIN MARRY ME. PLZ!!!!’

He like totes ignord me and now my heart is like totes brokn.

I have no use for it in a world when I cannot be Mrs Bieber.

I thnk u can probs help me maybs. W0t shd i d0?

xxxxxxx

<3
brokenbeiber

Dear brokenbeiber,
That sucks. Your life sounds terrible. You should probably run away from home, become a vagrant and grow a beard, then sell produce from a cave for a living.

But for serious, Justin Bieber is NOT a babe. He has big ol teefs and hair like Ellen Degeneres. And he weighs 47kgs. Anopants! When I was your age (what are you, like, 12?) I liked Justin Timberlake. I thought me and Justin would get married. In fact, I’m still hopeful.

The moral of this story is: never give up hope. One day he will be yours! You may have to stalk him/visit former Salient editor Jackson Wood’s basement (where it is rumoured Justin Bieber is being kept against his will)/write him love letters until he takes out a restraining order, but it’s all part of the bigger picture.

U 4 JB 4eva!!
Candy

Dear Bandy Cadger,

I think my husband is stealing all my drugs. What do I do? Do I steal the drugs back or something more… drastic?

With regards,

Anon.

Dear Anon,
I think you should kill him and cut him into pieces and make him into a stew. With some spuddies for extra fibre. And maybe some peeeeeaaaaaasssss.
<3 Candy

[Editor’s note: Maybe don’t cut him into pieces and make him into a stew. It’ll probably taste yuck.]

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at
candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 18:03:39 +0000

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

In recent days, I’ve become very popular with spammers. It’s probably because my email address is on Twitter (follow me @candybadger!) and because of the Sugar Daddy websites I’ve signed up to (I shit you not; I want me some Chanel).

Mitchell’s emailed again. Last time it was about his Facebook photos, now he wants me to check out a music video which seems to feature a rapper wearing lip gloss.

A friend of his (I assume they’re friends—the hip hop spam community is incestuous) emailed me about some rapper with a song called ‘Lambo’, in which he raps about his pet lamb. His lamb got shot in a drive-by, it was really sad. Everyone should check it out at tinyurl.com/ydx3wga.

The email continues: “If your feeling his vibe and can do something to push him forward then your well appected to coming along in his journey. Also, he’s on the way to getting a record deal with Nappy Boy Digital. yes, so please stay tuned on his career either by helping him out or, Just giving him a stribe to keep going .”

I also had a couple of emails from my ex-boyfriends (I don’t remember them, but I spent a large part of my teenage years drunk).
The first says:

You really got the guts to break up with me,bitch??!?!

Tell you what! I just made a nice compilation of your scenes and put it up for download on http://sharecash.org/download.php?file=639981

Oh and btw: This email just went out to your parents.

I bet they didn’t know you’re into dirty stuff like this.

Cheers!

Your ex

I thought about sending the link to Salient’s Editor to check out, but she’s only young and shouldn’t have to live with dirty visions of me the rest of her life.

My other ex said:

You really got the guts to break up with me over email,bitch??!?!

Tell you what! I just made a nice compilation of your/our best scenes and put it up for download on http://www.envirofile.org/download/28957

Oh and BTW: This email just went out to your parents. I bet they didn’t know you’re into dirty stuff like this.

Cheers!

Your ex boyfriend!

I’d like to explain that I only broke up with him via email because he was always too busy watching World of Warcraft porn to take my calls. He’s the one in the video wearing the battle armour.

And now that those emails are out of the way, here’s my advice for this week!

Rear Randy,

Ri Ranna ry ro Ran Rancisco, rut rat rould rean rending rall ry roney ron rights.

Rand Ri rould rather rave rone rof rose rooning rouches ranyway. Ri ron’t rink rou ret rem ron rab ra reat.

Rat ro ro? Rome ro Ran Rancisco rith re?

RiRustRon’tRow

Dear RiRustDon’tRow,
I know I responded in your unique writing style last week, but it’s just getting a little ridiculous. I can hardly understand you. You want to go to San Francisco? Well you can’t go. Not unless you live in Blenheim. That’s the rules.

Did you also say something about spooning? You want me to come to San Fran with you? You want to spoon me on a flight to San Francisco? I think I’ve got it now.

Sorry, I can’t go. I have a weekly column to write. We could go to San Francisco Bath House, though, and then spoon at my burrow?

Ruch rove,
Randy Radger

Dear Candy Badger

I have an awkward situation at my flat concerning a certain flatmates relationship with a man in his 50s. Shes in her early 20s and they have been “hooking up” as such for the last few months. They have had “the talk” and hes not interested in anything but sex really. She knows hes with another 2 ladies in the same sort of situation but she keeps talking about the long term, and has become really clucky! I know this is going to turn into a fireball of emotion and she takes her anger out on us flatmates regularly, so could you please, dear Candy Badger, give me some ideas on calming tense situations, or even your thoughts on the matter?

Yours sincerely
he-aint-no-george-clooney

OMG.
That is soooo gross. Old people are all shrivelly and shit. If you don’t believe me, type ‘that’s not sexy’ into Google, and click the I’m Feeling Lucky button (very, very not safe for work/life, but a good educational tool on how shrivelly old people can get).

Where does an early 20s chick even find a 50-something man? Sugar Daddy websites or rest home socials, that’s where.

Does she bring him home? Actually, don’t answer. I’m too grossed out. I bet when they pash, he’s all gummy with his no teeth (old people don’t have teeth, you know).

Maybe you could suggest to her that even though he only wants sex, they move in together, into one of those old folks’ home flats, where she can spoon-feed him soft food. Coz she’s now an old person by association.

Do you think she knows she’s taking out her anger on her flatmates? Maybe you should break it to her. And then laugh at her about having old person cooties. And then push her down the stairs.

Best wishes,
Candy

[Editor’s note: This has become a weekly formality, so I feel obliged to write an Editor’s note. And here it is. Also maybe don’t look at those links.]

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 21:14:36 +0000

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy Badger,

I have a longstanding crush on a really cute girl who works in the same office as me. We get on swell and I would totally ask her on a date, but unfortunately there is one tiny little complication… She has a boyfriend. I’ve never met him, but have reason to believe that he is a major douche. What should I do? Is there any way that I can win her over, get him dumped, and still operate within the bounds of acceptable ethical behavior? Please help me Candy Badger, you’re my only hope!

Yours in awkwardness,
-The Awkward Office Boy

Dear Mr Boy,
A boyfriend eh. Is he bigger than you? Could you take him in a fight? If so (to the latter, not the former), I think you should totally hit that shit. She probably doesn’t like him anyway. Unless she likes douches. Talking about douches is making my mangina feel weird.

My advice is that you should maybe get a mutual friend to ask her if she likes her boyfriend much, and then perhaps drop hints that someone has a crush. Then she’ll totally dump him and go on a magical quest to find out who it is with the crush. Magical like, Candy Mountain stylez. Then you two will fall in love and have tons of bebes.

OR you could somehow communicate to the boyfriend (possibly the same mutual friend) that this floozy is a tramp who’s been cheating on him so he dumps her, at which point she turns to your strong and masculine arms for comfort.

Either is bound to work.
Fingers crossed for you,
Candy

Mandy,

Why is it that I procrastinate so much? I try so hard to do my essays on time, to clean my room, but something always interferes.
How do I become organised? Also, how do I stop spending money I don’t have.

Help.

Dear Help,
Your name is misleading.

Procrastinating is good. I am doing it by being in the Salient office right now when I should be writing my thesis. Before, I had a sleep-in, and then I woke up and went on the internet and checked Dlisted.com for the latest news, then I got dressed and came to Salient (didn’t bathe) and then I sat for a while, then I ate a burger, and now I’m writing this column, which I’m procrastinating from by telling you about everything else I did.

What I’m trying to say is, put down Salient and write your FUCKING ESSAYS you lazy shit.
Then clean your room and then come over and clean my room. And stop buying things. Eating is expensive. Stop eating. Or eat a baby.

Candy

[Editor’s note: Salient does not endorse the eating of babies.]

Want to have great sex? Sex & Ethics is the programme for you!

Know all about the ‘plumbing’, but not how to check with someone new that you both want to do the same things when you get home?

How do you ask for exactly what you want when it comes to sex?

Can you tell your partner, that you’ve been with for a while, that the kind of sex you’re having is too rough, fast or basic?

Do you know when your relationship is dying and you need to break up?

What do you do if you see a friend in a sexually risky situation—and is it how you would want someone to treat you?

This and more is covered in Sex & Ethics, an eight-week course in preventing unwanted sex.

The programme is about how we make sexual choices—from hook-ups to relationships—so that we can be sure what we are doing is fun for both of us.

It doesn’t tell you what to do—it helps you work out what you want, and how you check this out with someone else—it’s all about having great sex.

This year Sex & Ethics is available:

Victoria University for Residential Advisors, Student Union Building
Wednesdays 6 – 8pm starting 14th April.

Evolve Youth Health Service, Eva St off Dixon St
Mondays 6 – 8pm starting 26th April.

VIBE Youth Health Service, Daly St, Lower Hutt
Tuesdays 6 – 8pm starting 6th April.

Porirua Waitangirua Community Centre, Waitangirua
Tuesdays 6 – 8pm starting 13th April.

Any questions? Contact Sandra at wsanprevention@xtra.co.nz or 473 5355.

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 21:10:17 +0000

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

We begin this week with a thank you letter from someone who wrote in a few weeks ago, asking for advice about doing their flatmate:

Ms Badger

I wanted to write and thank you for your advice. We had a talk, admittedly we were both drunk at the time and he said things he didn’t mean and didn’t remember. But then we had another talk when we were both sober and got things sorted. And then we had another talk when we were drunk and he was kind of delirious but confirmed he’s not a forever kind of guy.

The sex is fun so he’ll do until I find someone who will sex me and feed me chocolate while I watch House.

Thanks

Flatmate Doer

And now for this week’s questions!

Candidius badgerus,

my flatmates keep sexing and I don’t know what to do! awkward! pls halp.

- pegasuspants

Dear Pegasuspants,
Is it noisy sex? Oh God, you didn’t hear their attempts at erotic asphyxiation, did you?

I wouldn’t worry if I were you. Sex is very normal, especially for drunk students. If they’re doing it on the couch when you’re trying to watch TV, you might need to leave a strongly-worded note on the fridge. Or ask to join in. Options!

Otherwise, just be happy someone around here’s getting action.
Be safe,
Candy

P.S. Do you live with Flatmate Doer perchance?

Dear Candy Badger,

Date me. Nah, just kidding. I know you’re really a dude, so how about giving me some dudely advice. There’s this girl in my first year comp sci class I’m totally diggin but whenever I ask her back to my hostel for drinks she tells me she has something else on but won’t say what it is. How do you get your mack on with hot chicks from class?
Thanks Candy “no” Vadger,
-Mark

Dear Mark,
Thanks for revealing my secret. I’m going to come to the Cotton Building and smack you in the face with my massive cock. In front of this girl you like.
Suckerrrrrrr.
<3 Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 21:09:00 +0000

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at
candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Candy,

What would you do if your son was at home, crying out loud on the bedroom floor,

‘Cos he’s hungry, and the only way to feed him is to,

Sleep with a man for a ‘lil bit of money?

Worried.

Dear Worried,

Why did you have a child? They are the world’s curse. Why is your child on the floor? Get in bed, loser.

Obviously sexing got you into this mess, and therefore isn’t the answer. Sex is not the answer! Remember that. There will be a test. I recommend looking into part-time work that involves keeping your clothes on. Or stripping. Just stop it with the doing.

Sarah Robson won’t let me suggest putting your son in a sack and throwing him in the river, but apparently it’s okay to say you should put him in a basket and float him down the river. Maybe there’s a better home for him down there.

Alternatively you could eat your son.

Thanks for writing in,
Candy

[Editor’s note: Salient does not endorse cannibalism, or the abandonment of children. Badgers clearly have no clue about the human world. Or something.]

Dear Miss Badger,

I am more confused than a confused person. You see i may have grown a slight crush on a guy in all but one of my classes (slight may be considered a bit of an understatement) and i don’t know if he likes me. This question may seem like i am a 14 yr old girl which i am not, i just feel that if i ask him out and he is not interested, i will dig myself a hole to china and won’t be able to get out… having to endure awkward moments in class and feeling more rejected than Britney Spears.

Also I might add, I do not want to end up like one of those girls that can’t bear to be without a boyfriend and has to be with someone or else they think they would die from loneliness.

Do you have any advice?
Confused Love

Oh Confused,

I’ve been there. I had a crush on a guy in my POLS 323: Researching Politics paper. One time I think we sat in the same row and I nearly peed my pants with excitement. I jest—I really did pee my pants. I was too nervous to talk to him though—until a friend introduced us a year later. We ended up going out for two and a half years.

So, let’s think about your options here:

a) you say nothing, have a crush on him forever, spend the rest of your life alone wondering what might have been (or at least until a friend introduces you);

b) you go sit next to him and engage in polite and friendly classmate conversation (probably don’t tell him you sit behind him in all your other classes and snip off locks of his hair);

c) jump him.

I’m thinking b) is probably the most effective of these suggestions. But either way, it probably won’t be that awkward if you get rejected—just come in late and sit up the back for the rest of the semester. Or, if he tells you he has a girlfriend, say really loudly “HAHA TRICKS LIKE I’D DATE YOU ANYWAY”. I believe in you.

<3 Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 21:18:54 +0000

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Miss Candy – as a woman of a certain age now attending Vic I find myself confronted by a question of ‘social’ etiquette. I am surrounded by nubile flesh and as such am conflicted whether to embrace and/or deface said flesh. Is this the province of the lecturers only? Can older students also partake? Don’t want to put a foot wrong just this yet. Any advice? Mrs B.

Hi Mrs B, and thanks for your letter.

A lot of the kids in lecture theatres are probably wondering the same thing—can I grope my neighbour’s boob/box during Grant Morris’ Powerpoint presentation? The answer is always the same, except maybe on Touch A Boob Day (which appears to have been cancelled as it no longer shows up on Facebook—what happened there? In any case, it’s not going ahead so don’t touch a boob): NO.

You may not embrace-slash-deface any flesh other than your own without consent. Even lecturers need to get consent. Tutors too. And non-academic staff.
I don’t think this is an issue of age—students may be attracted to their more mature peers, especially if you’re repeating the course for the third year in a row. Although that may be because you’re a numpty.
Yours truly,
Candy Badger

badger,

how do i tell my extremely christian family i’ve turned my back on religion?

atheist

Atheist,
Those religios eh. With their Jesus bread and Christmas. So religious.
Really, all you can do is tell them. You could get drunk first if it helps. You could wear a silly hat. Or you could blame it on Richard Dawkins. These are all effective suggestions.
Maybe don’t expect any gifts next festive season.
Kisses,
Candy.

Dearest Candy,

Firstly, do you have a fetish for sweets and animals? If so, is it appropriate you give us advice?

Secondly, this boy and I made a mutual decision to just be friends after kind of seeing each other.
At first this was good. But now I realise I still have feelings for him. Should I say something or let sleeping dogs lie (I made a reference to an animal just for you).

Love,
Pants are Cool.

Dear you,
I’m afraid I have to disagree; I reject pants at every opportunity. One time I wore pants and it sucked. However, I am considering clingfilm wrapping my legs together and splashing about in a bathtub and pretending to be a mermaid, but that’s a story for another day.

I have a fetish for neither sweets nor animals; nay, I prefer stealing people’s underwear off clotheslines to use in my quilting.

Onto the real issue at hand! Go back and say something, you silly sausage. Maybe practise in the mirror first, unless you’re ugly. If he is adamant he just wants to be friends, then you can go score his mates. I would.

Thank you kindly for your correspondence,
Me.

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 21:18:40 +0000

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com

Dear Ms Beaver

I recently moved in to a new flat and started to fall for one of my flatmates. I’ve only been living with him for two weeks but we’ve gotten drunk and slept together three times already.

It turns out he’s great as a friend but a bit of a cunt when it comes to emotions. His ego takes up too much room in his bed, there’s no room for anyone else; but when he smiles it makes me happy. And I need sex.

What do I do?
Thanks in advance
Flatmate Doer

Dear Doer,
It hasn’t even been one issue yet and you’re already getting my name wrong. Farrr.

Screwing the crew eh. Always a bad idea. Especially with someone who is emotionally retarded. What you really need to do is have a talk with your flatmate—does he see it as just drunk sex, or something more? Us girls can be very silly when it comes to boys and sex—even Candy Badger is silly sometimes. If his smile makes you happy, it sounds like you’ve already fallen for him. Eeeek!

If you can distance your emotions from it, by all means keep sexing him. If not, maybe it’s best that you are just friends.

Good luck,
Candy Badger

Dear Candy,

I think Panic! At The Disco broke up, and I don’t know what to do. I’m a huge fan. Please help!

Panicking

Dear Panicking,
I did a quick Wikipedia search for you, and it looks like they’re still a band. Albeit one with only two members remaining. Have you thought about other bands at all? Less crap ones? Maybe you could listen to Rihanna. I like Rihanna.

Much love,
Candy Badger.