Salient » Candy Badger

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 18:13:11 +0000

This is my last column of the year slash ever. BOO HOO!!!! Love you all lots and fanks for reading!
Kisses 4evah!
Candy

Hi Candy,

So there’s this girl I’m trying to impress, she’s coming over to dinner Friday with her friend 3rd Wheel (3rd Wheel invited them over), and maybe some other people. Anyway, what should I cook? And how can I ditch the others? Hope you can help!!

Top Chef

P.S. I saw a badger the other day, maybe you know him/her? S/he was stuffed and posing at a taxidermy shop.

Hello Top Chef!

Fuck I hate those third wheels. So awkward. Tonight I had dinner with Salient’s designer and editor and one of them was the third wheel. Or maybe I was the third wheel. One of us was definitely a third wheel and it was SO AWKWARD OMG none of us could pash at Scopa.

My best advice in this situation is generally to make an obstacle course, kinda like on Wipeout, but possibly with very poisonous snakes and penguins, and then whoever survives that gets dinner. Hopefully that includes your date. Then give everyone except yourself food poisoning but hold your date’s hair back while she spews and then you’ll win her heart and everyone will learn an icky lesson about third-wheeling.

Love
Candy B!
PS That’s my mum

Dearest Candy,

My friends keep telling me I’m an alcoholic but I can stop whenever I want. I just don’t want to.

How do I make them leave me alone? Should I throw bottles at them?

Regards,
Sue Denim

Dear Sooz,

Do you wear double denim? ZOMG the other night I scored a guy wearing double denims. I didn’t really realise but then my friend reminded me the other day and I was like SHAME. He’s pretty babein though, I’m torn.

Don’t worry about your friends. Just get drunk and make friends with trees. They don’t hate.

Love,
Me

I have always wondered what the “B” stands for in your middle name. But I digress.

I told my friend i’d go running with her, and it was fine to start with but now she always wants to run uphills
and sprint and what not. I’m so not into Wellingtons hills. If I die because she makes me run up aro valley again can I sue her? Or get someone to sue for me (cos i’ll be dead). Please help me. Our relationship is on the rocks and I really don’t want to have to go back to student counselling cos last time we did that together they thought we were a couple when we are actually just running buddies (which got awkward because I lived with her brothers friend last year who liked her but wouldn’t date her and ended up pashing my sister instead. See? Awkward.)

cheers

Dear No Name,

Fuck I hate hills. Please don’t run up a hill. Feign a broken leg instead or, even better, actually break your leg. I walked up a hill the other day, all the way from town to the Botanic Gardens. It was fucking insane. But it’s the only way to live a life based on Scopa margherita pizza, Milky Bars and beer and not be a rhinobadgero-saurus. Also, you may want to ask a real lawyer about sueing but I’d say it’s worth a try. I didn’t make it past first year law though. Shame.

GOOD LUCK,
Candy

PS The ‘B’ is just coz candy.badger@gmail.com is taken. I wonder how many emails meant for me she’s received this year. Everyone should email her and apologise!

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 18:14:02 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy,

I have a professional crush. I had never met him until recently, when I discovered he is also really lovely and completely swoonworthy. He lives really far away though. What do i do?

Swoon

P.S. I think you’re a babe too.

Dear Swoony,

I think you should jump on a train/horse/submarine and rush to his side and pash his face. It’s what I’d do.

Alternatively, after the above step ^^ go to his house, wait outside his room till he goes to the shower, and then call his cellphone and leave a message of yourself breathing heavily. And then when he comes back you’ll see his WILLY!

<3 Candy

Dear Candy,

I was wondering if you had ever faced any discrimination due to the fact you’re a badger? I am an ocelot and I find humans most disparaging. This cute dude in my 200 level psych paper always calls animal control when I try to make the moves.

Any advice?

xxx

Lemony Ocelot

Dear Lemony,

That has happened to me also but only because I was outside his house, breathing heavily and watching him get dressed.

Generally people are quite nice to me and pat me and give me badger snacks. But my flatmates wouldn’t let me join their soccer team and say I have to be a ‘spectator’ because of my badgerness.

Totes unfair—I know I could be great.

Then I bit them bitches and gave them rabies.

Kisses,

Candy.

Dear Candy Badger,

I have a massive as crush on this student magazine advice columnist, let’s call them ‘Bandy Cadger’, but they don’t even know that I exist! What should I do?

Regards,

Lucy Pivac

Dear Lucy,

I hear Bandy is a mega babe and though she’s in hot demand, she’s looking for the right person to sweep her off her feet.

She likes feeding ducks, riding Crocodile Mobiles around the waterfront, hollandaise and spooning.

My best advice is get really rich and shower Bandy with gifts (like ponies and googly-eye cactii), and you’ll win her heart in no time.

Good luck,

Bandy
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 18:12:20 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear CB

How do I tell Sam I love her. She is on Youtube. She lives in New York. My friends tell me that she is not real, she is just pixels on a screen, but I don’t believe them. I know she’s real. She talks to me in her videos. I know she does… Help me Candylicious.

Dear yourself,

I think we’ve been through this already. Don’t lick the screen—it’s dusty and you might get electrocuted.

I had a YouTube crush once or twice. Once on the Trolololo man. Once on Rihanna. Fuck she is hot.

In both cases, I started fan fiction websites. I think you should make Sam one. I write stories about my threesomes with Rihanna and the Trolololo man. The singing is incredible. I actually record myself singing three-part harmonies and upload them to my website for fellow Trolololo-Rihanna fiends to listen/sing along to.

Much love,
Candy

Dear Candy Badger,

My BF won’t go outside

He forgot the outside world exists

Whats up with that?

What should I do to make him rejoin society?

from
me

Dear me,
Is your boyfriend the person who wrote the letter above this one ^^^?

I have this theory. It sounds really weird. But it’s that we actually all live in the Matrix. So if we all live in the Matrix then maybe there is no outside world. Unless there is an outside world in the Matrix. I’ve only watched it like, once, in fourth form. And I wasn’t really paying attention coz I’d just had a terrible bicycle crash.

This is a completely true story. Want to know how a badger rides a bicycle? Look inside yourself for the answer.

Peace,
Badge.

Dear Candy.

I have this horrible fear that I will end up like that guy on the movie, the 40 year old virgin. Even though I am only 21 I still haven’t had sex throughout my time at University and I really want to.

I may come across as a bit of a geek, or someone who doesn’t like to talk because I like to appear as a good listener rather than a good speaker. How can I come across better to the ladies??

All my friends have lost their virginity and I want to feel like I can have some pride in finally becoming a Man.

Thanks

Boy-Wonder

Dear Boy-Wonder,

I hate it when I turn 40 and I’m still a virgin! It’s the worst. Slash, you’ve never had sex? Wo. That’s wack. You obviously lived in the wrong hostel. Mine was full of the sex, and bedbugs.

The secret to getting ladies is to be a total asshole. Maybe wear leather pants, and start rapping. That’s cool too. Or do something wacky that makes you more individual, like getting a wooden leg. Or become really rich. Everyone likes sleeping with rich people (if the price is right).

But seriously there’s nothing wrong with having your V plates. Secks kinda sucks till you get some practice anyway.

I hope you get lucky within the next 19 years,

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 18:12:35 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hai Candy

So i’m having mild geographical problemos.

i live in a different part of this fine country to my sweetheart, who doesn’t actually know that she is my sweetheart yet. i’m just a little worried that if i pursue anything, we’ll be separated by a mean amount of terrain for like, the whole summer, and who knows what that’s gonna do. is it worth going for anything more than something casual?

also, are you in a relationship with uther dean? i overheard that @ vic.

thx for your halp

love,
the great pumpkin

YO!

OMG I love pumpkin. It is one of the best vegetables. I hate when it goes mouldy though, and you have to cut the mould off, coz those bitches are hard to cut. I also like tomatoes but I don’t know if they’re a vegetable or a fruit. My ex says they’re a fruit, but I think you have to be able to put fruit in fruit salad. And tomatoes in ya fruit salad is not ok.

I think you should just do her. I liked a babe once. He lives in [redacted so he doesn’t know I’m talking about him]. He’s REALLY hot. Or at least he was when I was pissed out of my mind at my friend’s birthday. So, obviously I scored him. And then I saw him again several months later when he came back. Not as hot. Kinda short. May have a lisp. TERRIBLE SHOES. God they were terrible. He may have also had smelly feet. Worst taste.

In conclusion, just do her.

Love,
Candy

Dear Candy Badger,

I am a girl. I like a girl. Well, sort of. I sort of like two girls.

One of them can’t spell, but she’s super hot. The other one is also super hot, but she just got back from a ten day stint at a silent meditation camp and now I think she’s lost her voice. What should I do?

Yours,
Not a lesbian player

Dear you,

You have weird taste. Mostly coz you like girls. They’re fucking annoying and all they talk about is their hair and recipes. Get them to cook me some food, would ya? I am so keen for a cannelloni.

I think you should go for the voiceless one—totally the best kind of woman. One who can’t bitch at you for leaving the toilet seat up when the underside of it is covered in pooz backsplash.

Hope this helps!

<3 Me

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 18:15:57 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hi Candy Badger,

There is a boy who works at a cafe on campus. I think they are really attractive. I go there almost every day, but I don’t know what to do. Candy Badger, can you please give me some advice!? I’ve tried internet lurking to find out their name/sexual preference/relationship status but to no avail! I don’t want to hit on them and make a fool of myself. Can you do it for me? I know you’ll pull through with some helpful advice, I know it!
I am a boy too, which makes this situation slightly more difficult, but I think one time they smiled at me, so I have high hopes.

Love you, <3 xx.

Dear Ed,
I would do the stalking for you, but there’s a hill in the way (and we all know how I feel about hills (or if we don’t—I hate them (largely because of my midgety legs. And my asthma. Cough cough.)))
I smiled at someone once. They smiled back and it turned out they had no teeth! Scary.
In conclusion, either ask them out, or don’t. That place is probably overpriced anyway and remember the Christian café has way better coffee.

Luff,
Candy

Hey Badg,

Do you want an authentic letter to reply to in next weeks Slayient?
Here goes:

Badgi,

OK. so I haven’t been a kiwi all my life, maybe there’s something I’m missing here… Hopefully you can explain, or at least wag an appendage in some general direction and claim it fact.

Why is it that the ladies (yes, I’m generalising here) lack so much confidence? Do they not realise that the confidence that comes frm self-awareness is one of the most attractive characteristics they can possess? It’s way better than a massive rack, I’m not kidding see, because it can endure. Come on ladies, its bloody obvious when you lack this inner strength because of the difference in how you act when sober versus ‘on the piss’.

Fucking hell, I mean do you honestly expect to have any quality of life if most of your social experiences and spontenaety require boozing?

Finally, while I’m on this rant, may I just state: a little consistency goes a very long way in relationships. But if you’re gonna “change just like di weather, I tell ya punk don’t mess wit meeeee.”

Cheers,

Bounty

Dear Sir or Madam:

Thank you for your letter with the subject line ‘please stop making shit up’. I think it’s time everyone knew the truth—I don’t make up these letters. The Salient staff just happen to have a lot of problems.

I think the answer to your question is because they have vaginas. Flappy ones. And all the time they spend in the kitchen (with occasional trips to the laundry) makes them a bit shy except when it comes to conversation with appliances and vegetables. Dancing vegetables.

Sometimes I am a woman, in some people’s opinions, but I am also generally drunk and brave except when I’m hungover and cranky. But I always ask boys to pash and they’re all like wo ok and then we’re like kissing noises / babies.

That’s about it.

<3 Candy

I HAVE FACEBOOK NOW! FRIEND ME! AND YOU SHOULD TOTES VOTE FOR ME IN ACADEMIC IDOL AS WELL… PROMISE I WILL DO SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS IF I WIN! XOXO CANDY!

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 18:06:02 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hey Candy,
I am an international student from America (fuck yeah!) and I have been trying to figure out exactly what I should scream whilst bungee jumping (to commemorate me wetting myself). This will be filmed and serve as an endless example of my cowardice. Whenever I really think about it, all I come up with is, “My Dick!”

Help would be appreciated,
Freefall Freddie.

Dear Freddie,

Gosh, I hope you didn’t already bungee during the university break. I told the editor we should rush out an issue to get your advice to you, but she was toooo busy sunning herself on her tropical holiday (in Feilding).

You know what’s even better than pissing your pants? Pissing on other people. Therefore I double dare you not to wear pants when you bungee.

Given that you are American, it’s a great opportunity to yell something about how much you love your country! I’m thinking along the lines of ‘take that, Taliban scum!’.

Then instead of Freefall Freddie, you’ll be the Patriotic Pisser.
Love,
Candy

Hey Candy,

Mmm starbursts…

Wait no off topic…

I do have a slight delima or a pretty big problem depending on what angle you look at it, right now I’m looking at it from a 190 degree angle and it dont look good…

Im a very happy go lucky person but lately I have been stuck in a funk, well by lately I mean the last 4 months and not the groovy funk music kinda funk either…

Im always very nice to people and do a lot for others (karma yeah?) but for the last 4 months in no particular order I have been abused, used, ditched, lied to and broken by the people who I thought were there for me..

And kinda now losing faith in people I shouldnt because of this..

My question to you dear Candy of the Badgerness is what can I do or what should I do to get out of this funk..?

yours
Not a very funky monkey..

Dear you,

I know how you feel. I just farted and it smells really bad. Funky, you might say.

Short of a mass murder, you could go find some new friends. There’s heaps of people out there looking for a new friend. You could add me on Facebook, then go through my friends list and pick yourself a few keepers (I don’t know who any of them are so you can have whoever you want!).

I’m a big believer in karma, so if you behave yourself and eat all your vegetables, do your homework and go to sleep early, you’ll win the Lotto and then everyone will want to be your friend!

And if that fails, you could get revenge on all those dicks by putting buckets on top of doors, concrete in their flippers, a grizzly bear in their wardrobe etc.

SMOOOOOCH!
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 18:11:13 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy,
I like to start fights with people on the internet, mostly by mocking the shit out of their terrible, terrible grammar. Recently no one seems to be biting back. Should I be taking a different approach, or just step up my game a little bit?

Please advise,
-Internet Bully

Dear Bully,

How about getting some real life hobbies that don’t require the internet, like skateboarding and picking your nose? These are fun. You can bully people in real life too, as long as you’re big, but you’re probably not due to the muscle waste caused by using a computer.

The best way to bully people in real life over their terrible grammar would be to become a tutor, which is convenient since you’re a university student. (Or if you’re not, why are you reading this? Freak.) Students probably won’t bite back, sadly, but you can get a lot of satisfaction out of red penning their essays that they probably spent a good two hours working on. Or you could sub for Salient!

Churrrrr,
Candy

Hey Candy,

Oh shit. So long story short, me and my best friend who is also my flatmate (who is a girl, like me) started casually pashing at partays, shindigs and discoteques. It was all good clean pashin’ fun until, well, it’s moved beyond just being at parties to basically all the time. Like literally. We live in Aro and have no heater so spoon to keep out the cold. She thinks it’s just physical and we’re experiementing, but I’ve been developing feelings for her. I always thought she was babein’ but I now see her inner babe as well. I really want to tell her how I feel but she has a boyfriend who I get on real well with. Actually, me and her boyfriend kinda used to go out ages ago and I think he may still have feelings for me. He’s a sweet guy (and the coach of my social netball team) but he’s just not my type anymore. Complicated, eh?! Anyway, he’s not really there for my flatmate anymore the way that I am. I real don’t want to hurt his feelings but at the same time I have such feelings for his girlfriend that I have to do something! Pashin’ and spoonin’ ain’t enough for me anymore. Now, just to make it even more complicated, the boyfriend has found out about me and her and wants to meet up next week (when he’s back from his snowboarding trip) to “discuss the situation”. What do I say? What do I want? What do I do? I think he’s gonna suggest a 3some. But I’m over phalluses and just want his girlfriend all to myself. Help me, Candy, what do I do?

Fuckity fuck,>

K00ky K@t

PS – Soz, ended up longer than I expected!
Dear K00ky,

I love to pash! But it certainly gets complicated when you pash someone else’s pash property. However, I’ve found a simple solution here.

You should Photoshop his face onto some pictures of gay porn, break into his house, then leave them somewhere where your flatmate will find them. Like the kitchen.

Or maybe you should tell your flatmate how you feel. She might be keen for your box just like you are for hers.

Speaking of boxes, you guys should build a fort!

Hope it works out,
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 18:19:42 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy Badger,
I met this guy in Maya, he bought me a jagerbomb so I agreed to go back to his villa. I woke up the next day to find I am now part of a human centipede, what should I do?
Regards,
Stuck in the middle

Dear Buttmunch,
Never take a Jägerbomb from a stranger! I’ve never even had one ever in my laif to avoid running into problems like yours.
Don’t worry though, there is a bright side: You coulda been the end of the centipede. Then you’d be eating everyone’s poos, and no one would eat yours. Boo hoo. Also, you have access to the internet and can therefore Facebook chat with me. (Add me! Candy Badger’s the name!)
Also, the middle survives in the movie so maybe you will too. Best of luck. I hope the villa is well insulated/not in Aro Valley/you have a big centipede poncho.
Best wishes,
Candy

Hi Candy Badger,
My name is Candy Badger too, from Manitoba Canada. Thanks for the great articles, I tell all my friends that I wrote them and take all the credit, haha!
Keep up the good work!
Candy Badger

Dear Candy,
Last time I checked, you were writing this column and I was passing it off as my own. Now I’m weally confused.
?
Also Candy Badger

Dear Candy Badger,
I think my flatmate is in love with me. He keeps getting drunk and Facebook messaging me from the next room over about how he loves ‘someone’ and it’s a ‘bad idea’ then refusing to say who it is. Trouble is I don’t like him and now I feel like I’m constantly being watched in my own home. All I want is to never change out of my pajamas and to spill food on myself unnoticed!

Help!

Dear Help!
You’re so vain, you probably think his Facebook messages are about you, but they’re so totally about your hot friend, the one who gets all the boys and makes you feel lonely and ugly and insignificant. He likes her more than he likes you because of your messy pants, and because the crusted-up ice cream near the crotch looks like semen.
Once they get together, you won’t have to talk to him online anymore. You’ll be sung to sleep by their rooting noises.
Or maybe he does like you, in which case you should either a) pash his face or b) probably move out. Or a) then b). Happens to the best of us.
Thanks for writing,
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 18:22:07 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy Badger,

I think I am turning Japanese. I really think so.

Yours ablactatingly,

JONO BONEZ

Dear Jono,
Being Japanese is okay. I mean, I’ve never actually been Japanese (or to Japan), but one time we had a Japanese exchange student at my house. We weren’t allowed to tell my grandfather though—he was in World War II and not at all down with Japan.

Pokemons are Japanese, and everyone likes them, except for when you’re trying to go somewhere and a fucking fatass Snorlax is blocking your way. Maybe you could carry a samurai sword and chop him up and turn him into sushi. So just roll with it.

Sayonara Jono san,
Candy

[Editor’s note: Clearly Candy Badger does not get that this letter references a song entitled ‘Turning Japanese’ by The Vapors. Did they do any other songs? Like, ever?]

Dear Candy,

I have a crush, but he lives in the interwebs. How can I pash him? Do you think I can google it? Is the screen going to get in the way of sexy time? What about censorship legislation?

Love

I-tried-licking-the-screen-but-it-didn’t-taste-so-good

Dear You
I hope we’re talking about a real man and not just the Microsoft Word talking paperclip, because I have a feeling his diddle is quite small and sharp. He’s also fucking annoying and asks too many questions.

Other people to not fall in love with:
• People who show you their cock on Chatroulette
• Cops in chatrooms pretending to be children to lure creepy internet people into lives behind bars
• Nigerian scammers
• Spambots (which aren’t people at all, just robots with poor grammar)

Anyone else is fair game. If you meet them in real life, do it in a public place yada yada no dark alleys, take a taser, use a condom, etc. Don’t have sex with your computer because a lot of people get computer mouses stuck up their bums and then have to go to hospital and that’s awkward (especially the getting-to-the-hospital part—I recommend an ambulance rather than driving yourself or waddling there). And you can also get electrocuted through your secretions.

That’s all for now,
Candy

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 18:19:59 +0000

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Here is some hollandaise.

Here is a picture of me.

Now imagine me swimming in the hollandaise.

Hawt.

Candy I need your help.

My Dad is liek totes over protective. My squeeze has been staying with me in my flat for liek 3 weeks or something and my dad is all liek “He’s just no good. He’s a no hoper.”

I totes need some help on this one. My squeeze has his own place but I totes liek having him around. I don’t think he has many friends becoz he liek never introduced me to any. We’ve been going out for liek a month and a half. I really totes liek him. Why wont my stoopid dad shut up?

I Need A Hero

Dear you,
Your dad is a dick! You should egg his house! He’ll never suspect it was you. Your bf sounds like a total babe also. You guys should get married, and invite me instead of your dad. And then when he’s old you should put him in a really shitty resthome. Also, you should definitely have heaps of babies. You two sound like exactly the sort of people who should reproduce.

XOXO
Candy

Hi Candy

You recently took part in our Work-life Balance survey and I am delighted to tell you that you have won a 6 month magazine subscription.

To collect your prize, please email me your full name, postal address and choice of the below subscription.

Cuisine
NZ Fishing
NZ Gardener
NZ House and Garden
Congratulations and we look forward to your participation in our up and coming reader panel activities!

Warm regards,
Helen
mysundayview team

Dear Sunday Star Times,
Shame, you gave a magazine subscription to a Salient columnist with a fake name.
Lolz.
My mum’s really enjoying House and Garden though.
Thanks,
Candy