Viewport width =

AuthorGuy Armstrong

Author Archive: Guy Armstrong

rss feed

Author's Website

August 10, 2009

I was balancing a vodka, a whiskey, and a wine in one hand, three beers in the other, and had begun pouring some Haagen-bier shots on the dash. This was an annoying way to be driving home, because I needed at least one hand free to make obscene finger gestures and the other to throw […]

August 3, 2009

You will need: 1 Medium-to-large army Cloves, diced, in a baseball hat The most comfortable swivelly chair in the office A tendency to yell and throw things (preferably faeces) Connections to the Rockefellers and hostile relations with the middle east Weapons (to sell to the middle east) Some LSD 6,000,000 memberships to Camp Concentrate To […]

July 20, 2009

I was just walking up the hill to university the other day, when I found myself panting and puffing, totally out of breath. As I sat down for my fifth cigarette break since the bottom of the hill, I began to think about my health. I quickly lit up a second cigarette to help me […]

July 20, 2009

This is a rather smashing tome of Kiwi-esque poetry, with a sci-fi slant—but it’s not only sci-fi. In this instance, the sci-fi genre expands and encompasses all manner of thought pertaining to our modern fears, apprehensions, excitements, discoveries, prophecies, and imaginative forays into both darker, lighter, paler, androgynous worlds within worlds. Don’t for a second […]

June 2, 2009

You’ve probably seen them around. They walk normal. They dress normal. Their belly button hair is normal. Their toenails are normal. Their underarm hair is the normal width, breadth, elasticity, temperature and humidity. They also eat normal; and poo with the standard degrees of variable pungency. They look normal, and their pimples are normal, but […]

May 25, 2009

Hey boyfriends! Today’s topic is religion. And it’s so um like totally you know yeah totally like um yeah um like it’s totally you know? I mean it’s like totally cool, right? So people say there is this ‘thing’, this ‘energy’, that is cosmic in nature, all loving, has all information, and answers prayers. And […]

May 18, 2009

Today I am doing a very extremely totally mega-cool cowabunga badass science experiment: I am going to prove whether or not gravity is still real. I will do this by jumping off the 8th floor of the VUW Kirk building, onto a small metal post in the carpark, upon which I will land elegantly with […]

May 11, 2009

This week I have many questions regarding words and communication. These are very deep and meaningful questions that need answers; the kind of answers I will probably only be able to get from a priest who is really really high. Like just what the hell are people talking about when they say things? What should […]

April 27, 2009

My ego is a modest twelve and one half cubits, nearly twice what Mikael Overlord claimed, yet only a tenth as big as what I would like it to be. My huge ego compensates for my wildly defunct performance in sports, and my hideously scarred mental stability, so serves somewhat as a counterbalance to the […]