“We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell,” says Withnail

Last week’s presentation by the Law Commission about their Issues Paper on Controlling and Regulating Drugs sought to promote rational decisions for drug policy.

Unfortunately for Law Commissioners Dr Warren Young and Val Sim, only seven people attended, six of whom were vocal advocates for drugs.

Dr Young said that the main focus of the issues paper was harm minimisation.

“Tentative thinking is that we’re not going soft: the present system doesn’t achieve anything. It is just recycling people through the system.

“If people are in court on their third drunk driving offense, it is clear they have a problem. Judges will tell you that out of these people, about 20 per cent will get assessed. The rest will get a conviction, a fine or a small term of imprisonment, then they start drink driving again,” said Dr Young.

The Law Commissioners said there were three limbs to the national drug policy: supply control, demand reduction and problem limitation.

“[The current system is] law enforcement, conviction and punishment—in order to have effective crime management we need to have a more flexible system.

Dr Young said rebalancing the three limbs of the strategy is what is needed to ensure positive change.

While Dr Young and Ms Sim were clear to point out this was an interim report to get feedback, the crowd did not seem to understand that these people were just making recommendations—not changing the law.

When the topic of legal selling of drugs came up, one member of the audience was herd to remark “Certified drug dealer. That’d be choice.”

“[Current medicine treats] the symptoms rather than treating the whole being… holistically,” one audience member said.

While focusing on marijuana, the crowd also dipped into Dimethyltryptamine and its ability to stop drug addiction by inducing deep introspection as well as the need to treat problems as a whole.

The paper seeks the public’s feedback on a number of issues surrounding the laws which govern drugs and alcohol.

Submissions can be made through the Law Commissions website.

Penile Portrayal Pleasing

Second-year student Michael Hempletine last week discovered the joy of drawing penises in inappropriate places.

Hempletine, a religious studies major, had until last week never drawn a penis at all.

“It was like an epiphany,” said Hempletine.

“I was just sitting there and the thought came to me: why not draw a giant big cock on the desk of MacLaurin 103.

“Luckily I had a blue and a red pen—so I got some really well rendered vein action going on.” 

When asked, religious studies lecturer Joey Balboa told Salient he hadn’t noticed the act of wanton vandalism happening four rows back.

“I was fucking lecturing. What the fuck do I care if some kid with a phallic preoccupation spews forth his unconscious onto the shitty, shitty desks,” said Balboa.

Sally Menk, a fellow student with Hempletine, said she noticed what he was doing but didn’t take too much attention.

“He was muttering to himself and breathing heavily. I tried to ignore him.

“It was when he started saying ‘Cock-cock-cock-cock. COCK!,’ really fast. At this stage I looked over to see what he was doing.

“I don’t know what kind of penises he’s been looking at but I have never seen one like that. And my mother was a hooker,” said Menk.  

Hempletine was unphased by the criticism and is looking to take his newfound pleasure up a level.

“Maybe I’ll scratch a penis onto the lens of one of the projectors so everyone in the class can wallow in my art.”

EEEEEK

Current Wellington Mayor Kerry Prendegast is to run for a fourth term in office. When approached by Salient for comment she ran away.

Gettin’ crazy with Ese

Former Salient editor Jackson James Wood has gone insane. Students last saw Wood raving in a quiet corner of the Student Union Building harping on about how “that Sobson bitch was ruining [his] magazine”.

Current Salient Editor Sarah Robson was unsympathetic.

“I don’t want to hear his fucking problems.

“Even after he’s gone he still whines like a little bitch,” said Robson.

Police say Wood is of no danger to the public, although you probably shouldn’t stroke his belly hair no matter how much he pleads.

Tree gets stuck up cat

In a shocking cliché inversion, firefighters were called to Kelburn Parade over the weekend when a tree became stuck up Mrs Wallace, a four-year-old tortoiseshell moggy.

Chief Fire Inspector Alex Wizel said it was one of the most gruesome scenes he had ever attended.

“We’re still not sure how it happened. We can only assume some sort of disturbance in the time/space continuum meshed the matrices of Mrs Wallace and this lovely Magnolia. Beautiful flowers, eh?” said Wizel.

Mrs Wallace’s owner Dhama Eggleston (76) was more reticent about the situation, saying only “There are plenty more where she came from.”

“Send out, Salient, the swift satiric point,
To smart the sluggard mind awake,
While Freedom anywhere in bonds is pent
No compromise with falseness make.
Those freed today tomorrow forth must leap
Some further outpost there to take and keep.”

This poem, written in 1938, spelled out Salient’s intent. Seventy-one years later we’re still trying to live up to these lofty ambitions. It isn’t easy to maintain the integrity of the magazine, or to balance the many ideas of what Salient is and what Salient should be.

It is a great honour that I have been able to stand on the shoulders of previous editors. Especially Carl Dawson, Michael Appleton, Sarah Barnett, James Robinson and Tristan Egarr. Thanks for your support, ideas and banter.

To my successor, Sarah Robson, I wish you well. You are an amazing writer, woman and friend. This is a crazy place and I know that you will clamber up my gangling frame and perch yourself firmly up there. Please don’t wear high heels.

Rory, designer/defacto editor, your amazing design skills, eye for detail and need for perfection ensured Salient 2009 was an amazing year. I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to another man before.

Kia ora MJO, kia ora. I threw you into the position of news editor when you just wanted to be a lowly feature writer. You have exceeded my expectations in every way possible and although we never got to drive high-speed to Palmerston together, I’m sure we will share many more epic lolz in the future.

Despite never actually getting any of your features to me by 5pm on Tuesday, Nina, your writing, company and attitude always bought a smile to my face. It has been a pleasure working with you and I look forward to reading about your South American exploits.

Mikey: with an eye for detail that surpasses the evolution of the Accipitridae family, you constantly surprised me with your ability to spot double spacing, missing macrons and my attempts to use foreign languages. It is no doubt without you staying here till 4am most weeks Salient’s grammar and spelling would have been unreadable.

Guy Armstrong is real. He has been a dedicated distributor and writer without whom Salient would have been slightly saner, but less exciting place. I wish you and your career in writing well. Maybe we could play Duke Nukem 3D later?

Advertising pays for the magazine, and Jon has done an amazing job of bringing in new and varied advertisers as well as lubricating the office with Jaffa Cakes and urging us to eat together more. Don’t let The Man get you down Jon, you’ll always have a pal in me.

To the arts crew: Uther and Fiona, you guys took my silly idea of arts editor, ran with it and made it a total success despite little guidance on my behalf. Uth, your acerbic wit and unconnected trains of consciousness bought joy, rage and frustration to me. Fi, your ardent feminism is always delightful and welcome.

Kim, Elle, Ryan and Maggie. Your… ummm… wonderful way with words is always a… ummm… pleasure to read. I hope you all stick with writing next year.

Nic, Shirley, Juliet and the other various columnists—you’re better than blogs. Please don’t ever blog.

Anna Friedlander, Polly, Adam, Conrad, David, Robyn, Sarita, Renee, and all the other people whose columns and cartoons were at the back have the honour to know that yours were the most widely read of all the content in Salient.

Jessy and the rest of MJO’s bevy of news girls (and Elliot, and Sam and Cam) deserve special mention. Your Monday meetings always made the office a happier place.

The latest addition to the Salient team, Josh Cleary, deserves special mention. Please, please please con Sarah into giving you a job next year.

To everyone in the Salient crew and everyone who I have left out: I will miss you all.

People outside of Salient have been integral. Gerard Hoffman: thank you for saving me.

Big thanks goes out to Madeleine Setchell. You have made the operation of Salient so much easier.

Daniel Miles receives the JJ Wood for Mt Albert award for ensuring my humourous side did not get buried under the dull drudgery of everyday editorship. You are an AbsoluteGeni.us and I look forward to working with you soon.

To my fellow editors, especially Matt, Val, Josh and Amy, I thank you for listening, understanding and supporting ASPA and me.

Of course my parents get a mention for not letting my grandmothers see any issue of Salient and therefore my proclivity for using the word “fuck”.

Laura, thanks for being there. Your endless advice and direction were totally invaluable.

We all feel like failing at some point in our lives and all these people haven’t let me fail. This issue is a dedication to the fail. I guess at the end of the day, as long as you keep pushing for success in those around you, you will not fail.

Aroha to you all.
­– JJW

The idea to plant a tree as a way of, in-part, eschewing Salient‘s massive carbon footprint and enhancing the already beautiful grounds of Victoria University, was Advertising and Sponsorship Manager Jon McQueen’s.

Wood was enthusiastic about entrenching some Salient vegetation into the campus that nurtured him.

“Hopefully Vic will nurture this tree like it nurtures so many great minds,” Wood said as he let out his famous belly laugh.

The native Kowhai—approximately 2.5 Salients worth of wood pulp—sits in pride of place, 20 metres up Hunter Drive (right by the maroon and white cars on gate one in this link) and is expected to bloom over the summer, attracting Tui and other nectar-drinking native birds for hungry first years to catch.

“I love that I did my part for nature by turning up and putting a tree in a hole,” said Oliver. “l’ll never have to recycle again.”

A plaque will be put under the tree sometime over the summer break.

JJW: So you’re Salient editor next year, huh?

SAR: Apparently so. All my dreams came true and next year, I finally get to sit on the OTHER side of the office.

JJW: So what you got planned? ‘09 has been pretty frickin’ legendary. You best keep it up.

SAR: It’s some big shoes to fill, JJW. I’m planning on not playing Raptor Safari, that’s for sure.

JJW: Hey… It wasn’t all Raptor Safari. There was the…

Umm…

Na, you got me.

Look, the kids want to know what you’ve got in store. Spill the beans, fool!

SAR: Actually, I need a computer game. What could you recommend for a girl who can only play car games badly?

JJW: Plants vs. Zombies ftw

SAR: Super. I’ll learn how to play that over summer while I plot and scheme for Salient ’10.

JJW: You still haven’t told me what you’re going to do…

Stop avoiding the question you damn journalist.

SAR: Well, the first thing I’m going to do is CLEAN THE OFFICE.

JJW: Content wise, Sarah.

SAR: Ohh that.

Well. More interviews, more chats with people who pretend to know what they’re talking about.

I will get Tolley. I will get Tolley.

We’re going to be asking the hard questions, and the questions that the mainstream media wouldn’t dare ask,

Here’s an example:

JJW: Ohhhhhh. I <3 examples

SAR: Have you ever spewed in your bed?

Classic.

JJW: Not since I was a child…

Ohhhhh…

Right.

Example.

Sheeeeeeeeit.

SAR: For the record, I haven’t spewed in my bed since I was a wee thing

JJW: The Great Tolley Hunt shall continue. My bet is that she’ll, sadly, get first blood. Bitch.

SAR: I’m going to get her.

Mark my words.

JJW: Kia ora Sarah Robson, kia ora.

Hey, hey, hey, hey guess what?

SAR: WHAT?

We won?

JJW: Hells yeah we did. But I reckon that is pretty much an editorial right there. Wasn’t that easy?

SAR: It was pretty painless. Sorry everyone for that being a bit boring.

THERE’S NO DICK JOKE.

JJW: Oh, but what about public transport and Jack Yan. He’s pretty awesome and I’ve never heard him tell a dick joke.

SAR: P.S. Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I’ll cut all the dick jokes.

I’ve been hanging out with you boys all year. I use the c word now.

I should wash my mouth out with soap

MJO has entered the conversation

MJO: More like wash your mouth out with Pope, ’cos Salient ’10 is gonna be religious… I mean… uh… fuck this, I quit. The hell with you, the hell with all of you.

The usual food writer gorged herself to death on some delicious treats—don’t worry though, Polly will be back next week—so we conducted a food experiment in the office.

Observation

The people who inhabit the Salient office like food and eat food regularly. Generally when they enjoy the food they’re consuming they let out coos of delight and become malleable to my will.

Hypothesis

That if one takes all the food that Salienteers enjoy and combine it, you will have the most delicious food known to humankind, therefore placating the workers and ensuring editorial dominance.

Method

1) Find out which food products the Salient team enjoy.

MJO: Salmon Teriyaki (one serving)
Mikey: Cassoulet (French White Bean Casserole) (1 bowl)
Sarah: Obama Sushi (4 pieces)
Guy Armstrong: Tropical Fruit Salad (1 bowl)
JJW: Chili Lime cashews (1 cup)
Rory: The trifle that Rachel made on that one Friends episode (the leftovers)
Rosabel: Cheerios (thousands of them) (Rosabel isn’t quite a Salienteer, but close enough that she needs to be dominated).

2) Purchase/make said food products

Salmon Teriyaki: Wagamama.
Cassoulet: Mikey’s fridge.
Obama Sushi: Tania Sawicki Mead once said she’d make some, so probably just hit her up.
Tropical Fruit Salad: Aisle three Chaffers New World.
Chili Lime cashews: Bulk Bins.
Trifle: Central Perk, I hear they make a really good one.
Cheerios: Any given butcher.

3) Take ingredients and place into an industrial blender.

4) Blend.

5) Poor out Salient mix into greased baking trays. Use cupcake holders if desired. Mix should make roughly 24 large… things.

6) Preheat oven to 180°C. Bake until golden brown.

7) Leave to cool in a place uninhabited by vermin or worm-infested first years.

Ice with the following recipe:

½ Cup cocoa powder
250 gms Cream cheese
¾ Cup icing sugar
1 Tbsp vanilla extract

Preparation
Bring the cream cheese to room temperature. Beat it well using an electric mixer, until it becomes smooth and soft. Add sifted cocoa, icing sugar and vanilla extract. Mix it well, until it becomes fluffy and light.

9) Make some poor rube eat them.

Result

Upon bringing these delicious treats into the Salient office, a random Londoner exclaims “By Jove. Awful pong, say what.”

Admittedly it did have a pungent aroma but that didn’t seem to deter Mikey and Guy, who started hoving into the muffins.

Sarah projectile vomits everywhere.

MJO and Rory are slightly more coy and break one in half, hesitantly taking small bites. Ambulances were immediately called.

The courier package never made it to Rosabel and Salient was extensively investigated by the SIS’s biological terrorism unit.

Conclusion

Always, always abide by Food Safety Standards and never ever combine two different fish products with Cheerios.

In some ways it worked. Complete control rested in the hands of the editor, who now has to write the entire magazine next week.

Salient Editor Jackson James Wood continues to explore the internets with an investigation into “the kids”.

Nineteen ninety-nine was an epic year. Mark Blumsky’s voluminous eyebrows, framed by his mayoral chain resided over the Wellington City Council, Telecom launched its Jet Stream service where you could get a whopping 600MB of ADSL bandwidth for only $89 a month and, most importantly, it was the last year we spoke of time in multiples of a hundred.

It is indeed a small and insignificant factoid of little relevance, a glitch in how we talk. For the most part people say two thousand and nine, not twenty naught nine. A change, perhaps. A sleeker way of describing time to suit a sleeker generation.

Despite there only being a gap of about six years, most students at Victoria today are the last generation to remember getting the internet.

Perhaps your parents remember where they were when JFK was shot, or perhaps the day the US pulled out of Vietnam. Not so much for many of you.

The one historical moment that many of our generation remember was the first time they heard the EEEEEEEE-OOOOOO-EEEEEE-GHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHG of their 14.4k modem connecting to the world wide web.

The MSN effect

Countless hours were spent on the Pentium II computer on a program called MSN Messenger. Fourth year politics student Kurt Urich ,25, recalls a time when his life was dominated by those three capital letters.

“I’d go home and plonk straight down in front of the CRT and log in,” he says.

“MSN was really the first social experience I had with the internet. We had a computer but it was mainly used for playing Need for Speed or using Encarta for school assignments.”

Urich notes the amazing capacity for information to travel fast, saying “If someone broke up you’d know within minutes, rather than the next day at school.”

The propensity for instant communications has possibly lead to unrealistic demands from us. When we want information, we need it now.

But now the internet generation has sold out. We willingly allow screeds and screeds of our personal information to be harvested by Facebook, Twitter and Google. This has prompted the President of the United States to issue a warning to youth not to put too much of themselves into the blogosphere.

“In the YouTube age whatever you do, it will be pulled up again later somewhere in your life.”

Poignant words from Mr Obama.

Star wars kids

One of the first major examples of just how important this advice has turned into an internet meme—Star Wars Kid.

The recipe for ridicule was simple: take one geeky looking kid with a Star Wars obsession, add a long metal pole and set the video camera to record. Leave the recording somewhere your pals can find it and hey presto. Fourteen and a half million hits later you have an internet sensation.

First year commerce student Harriett Teeple ,18, doesn’t remember life before internet.

“My father worked as a project developer for Telecom on the roll out of ADSL so we had highspeed internet since the time I was about ten.”

“I’ve always been pretty open with what I put on the internet, it’s not like I have much to hide.”

Urich has mixed feelings about sharing information on the internet, “People my age are still fairly weary about what we put online. But at the same time we don’t quite get it.”

Citing the numerous accounts of people getting snapped for improperly calling in sick when their Facebook photos clearly show them consuming large amounts of alcohol and doing the tango on tables.

Teeple acknowledges the potential for damage to her reputation, but says “you just gotta be more savvy.

“At the end of the day we’re the kids who grew up with it and we have a better handle on where it is going and how to use things like Twitter and Facebook. If you’re stupid enough to put revealing information up then you’ll get burnt sooner or later. It is just a natural learning process.”

She has a point. Even though there is a six-year gap between her and Urich, the differences are startling. While Urich sees social networking sites as “somewhat useful and mildly amusing,” Teeple sees them primarily as “fun”.

“I’m really getting into twitter at the moment. You can tweet from anywhere about anything. It’s great for networking because unlike Facebook there isn’t that much personal information and you can still limit who sees what.”

A quick glance at Teeple’s twitter account [@harriT25] reveals she is indeed very open about what she does and who she is.

Tweets from harriT25:

“Making up for a deprived childhood by downloading Aladdin.”

“My perfect guy wears converse, is totally laid back, and doesn`t worry about being cool.”

“The barriers have broken down. This isn’t nineteen ninety-nine. It’s the two thousands, mang,” says Urich, parodying what he calls “the kids”. “The next generation doesn’t need a purpose, they’re selling out—it’s all about the fun.”

University Council members had to duck for cover as protesters threw fruit and eggs at them at a meeting where fees and the student services levy were raised last Monday.

VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle was hit in the head by an orange, but Chancellor Tim Beaglehole and Vice Chancellor Pat Walsh survived unscathed.

Official VUWSA Protest leader, Education Vice-President Freya Eng said the poultry-produce pillory was not supported by VUWSA, and no executive members threw items.

The group of about 25 protesters, largely made up of Workers’ Party members, marched from the quad to the Hunter Building Council Chambers shortly after 4pm.

Almost 20 students gathered in the quad last Monday afternoon, outraged at the university’s decision to raise fees and combine the Students Services Levy and close to double it.

Workers’ Party activists who no longer attend Victoria University took control of the protest, shouting for students to disrupt the Victoria Council Meeting.

“Education shouldn’t be a privilege, it’s a right!” called a representative of the Workers’ Party.

During a speech by Victoria Broadcasting Club managing co-director Matthew Davis on why fees and the levy should not be raised, Reith, fellow Workers’ Party member and former VUWSA Campaigns Officer Sam Oldham and perennial student Kerry Tankard began yelling and chanting.

As Vice-Chancellor Professor Pat Walsh moved to report on the increase in fees, protestors shouted obscenities at Council members who for the most part received free education.

Chancellor Emeritus Professor Timothy Beaglehole issued a formal warning to protestors, stating any further interruptions would result in their removal.

Beaglehole read a second warning and took a vote to vacate the council chambers as the protesters began to throw eggs and fruit.

The Council was then moved from the Council Chambers to a smaller room in the Kirk Building under a heavy Campus Care presence, where the meeting continued.

It wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time we relied on card catalogues, word of mouth and books.

No doubt you’re currently within 20 metres of a computer. You’re being bombarded by the internet right now as wi-fi passes around you. The idea of the internet evolved from a United States government communications programme. Computers were huge machines that used vacuum tube fuses. As you meander through the history of computers and the internet you find computers, and now the net, are dominating our lives.

There was a time when computers weren’t so intertwined with everyday life. Victoria graduate and Biology teacher Richard Wood remembers the good old days of 1977 when computer programing was part General Maths 101.

“The language was possibly FORTRAN but I can’t remember much about it. I never saw the computer itself but rumor had it that it took up a large area somewhere in the library building.

“We first made a flow chart of the program and had to translate it into digital language and then transfer the program to punch cards. The cards were pre-punched. You used a pencil to remove the little pre-punched rectangles. Your stack of cards was then handed in to a technician who put them in a card reader machine.

“That was the only contact I had with computers in four years at Vic.”

Today you’d be hard pressed to come to university and not deal with a computer. There are couple of hundred computers in the Kelburn library, CyberConnect stalls and wireless access over all campuses.

According to former Victoria mathematics and computer science student Rowan McCaffrey, the dressing up to operating systems like Vista and Mac OSX don’t really make it any easier to use—but it make it easier to learn. “Once you know what you’re doing when you’re typing in commands—if you remember the old Commodore 64s—even a kid could do that,” he says.

But the early nineties were especially heady times for ‘what could be’ in terms of the future of the internet. One story from Salient in 1994 predicts:

“A virtual reality version of the internet; a place where, with the help of VR goggles, bulletin boards look like meeting rooms, other users can be directly talked to and files can be saved just by grabbing them and shoving them in your pocket.”

While we’re not too far off that with programmes like Second Life, McCaffery thinks we don’t need The Matrix-like setting and “can do all that with a few clicks of a mouse.”

Let me Google that for you

The idea of a totally different virtual reality does seem superfluous, but is grounded in reality.

“If you wanted to know something you’d talk to your friends or go to the library. But now you just go look on Google. Basically the answer to everyday questions are on there,” McCaffery says.

This is so true. Say you needed to figure out a complex maths problem. Wolfram Alpha has the answer. As does Google. Need to know how to tie a tie and you don’t have a scrap of paper in your breast pocket telling you how? [page 32] Google it! 227,000,000 hits in 0.20 seconds.

The use of Google has become so widespread that when someone who is sitting at a computer and who asks a stupid question automatically gets sent a www.lmgtfy.com link.

Google has even become a religion!

The Church of Google posits that the human-made search engine is the closest experience we mortals can have to the divine. The church has nine proofs that Google is God. They say Google is

1. Omniscient.
2. Omnipresent.
3. Answers prayers.
4. Potentially immortal.
5. Infinite.
6. All-knowing and remembers all.
7. Omni-benevolent.
8. A more widely regarded source than other deities.
9. Scientifically provable.

Which leads us to the question…

Is it all just one big in-joke/meme?

Much like Salient, the internet is rife with in-jokes and memes which many of you will never pick up on or get or even bother investigating further.

McCaffery says the internet has gotten so big and complex because “its users [are] wanting it for more and more things. Stuff like 4chan, it’s not of use to anyone, but everyone wants to do it.”

But, somewhere between the turgid mess of fart and dick jokes, lolcats and pornography, there actually valuable learning resources.

iTunes U is a great place to start for anyone looking to expand their mind. With lectures from Berkeley, MIT, Yale, Melbourne and Otago, you can lose yourself in the thousands of podcasted lectures.

Just now I downloaded a lecture from Introduction to Biology from MIT and a series of Anthropology lectures from Cambridge. If you can afford the bandwidth it is totally worth it.

The database section on Victoria’s Library site is an amazing resource. You can search through thousands of databases for millions of academic papers. From the Dictionary of Old English Corpus to Sex Smart with JSTOR, in between you’re guaranteed to be able to find what you’re looking for in a matter of minutes.

Newton’s [see page 49 for more about that badass mother fluffer] quote: “Standing on the shoulders of giants” is the appropriated motto of Google Scholar (GS). GS takes the simple format of Google and puts it toward something more than finding funny pictures of geese.

Once again you have thousands upon thousands of academic documents all easily searchable.

Some universities are already harnessing the amazing power of the internet. In partnership with Apple, makers of… oh, like you don’t know what an iPod is, have joined with 210 Australian universities to put lectures, video and audio online to bring you the aforementioned iTunes U.

When asked if tools like iTune U should play a bigger part in tertiary education, Acting Director of Victoria’s University Teaching Development Centre Dr Stephen Marshall whole-heartedly agrees. “There’s no should about it. The use of online resources as the primary medium for finding information and communicating is now inevitable.”

Wood laments that there are problems, but if teachers are online savvy they can use the inherent to great advantage: “Schools now use computerised rolls and markbooks. When the inevitable glitches occur with faults in software or hardware it makes life very difficult and it happens all too frequently. The data projector is replacing the video or DVD player as a way to show video and animations stored on your laptop.

“Teachers in the know use YouTube to find video clips of all the subjects you could wish to use—from Adolf to Zeppelins.”

McCaffrey’s opinion is a bit stronger. “If you’re not just teaching stuff you could learn by going on the internet, then there is no point in [lectures].

“It’s not like anyone can learn just by reading something. You have to be dedicated to it. It’s about adding value.”

And where to from here? Marshall reckons the internet will be even more ubiquitous. “Mobility is the next big thing—continuous connectivity and augmented reality.”

So while “internet isn’t bigger than universe”—a question on Yahoo! Answers—it is the glue by which we all learn and interact.

Marshall is optimistic about the future. Well, perhaps: “My wife hates this vision, she says she’ll only agree to it if I also get the ‘wife attention taser unit’ option with any augmented reality kit.”

Olde skewl computer games

Why you missed out and where you can play ‘em
By Arty Nerdstink and Joshie McAwesome Pants, Nexus.

While not quite academic per se, video games and their development heralded much of the computer graphics technology we now use for everything from the tear drop down Tom Cruise’s cheek to Jar Jar Binks. Here are a couple of games which were totally freaking awesome from a pre-internet time which you can now play on the internet.

Sid Meier’s Pirates: Most of you would have played one of the Civilization games at some point. Sid Meier doesn’t just create games where you can be Ghandi or Genghis Khan. He also made games where you could be a goddamn pirate! As a pirate, you chose where you sail, you chose what jobs to do and you shoes when to fight or flee. No linear storylines in this game, folks. Sure, you can go looking for your sister, your uncle and parents, but you’ll have a lot more fun leading your pirate fleet on raids across the Caribbean, attacking towns and doing little missions for priests and colonists. The game is available on pretty much any old machine, from Amiga to Xbox. You don’t need to have a powerful computer to run it and it has gone through several editions from 1987 to 2004.

The New Zealand Story: This game was notable for being the original Amiga computer game and having exactly sod-all to do with New Zealand. A tricky platformer which featured a Kiwi(?) bearing a distinct resemblance to a dust ball with a beak, The New Zealand Story was a weird little gem of a game. Its ‘plot’ was that a walrus, that natural enemy of New Zealanders, had stolen the Kiwi’s animal mates. So it goes that the kiwi has to fight the walrus with an assortment of utterly bizarre weapons, the most powerful of which looked a lot like a child’s scribble on a wall. Others included a bow and arrow and something that might have been a kind of Kamehameha wave. I don’t know. This quirky game can probably still be found on Amiga emulators, and (bizarrely) was recently re-released for the Nintendo DS.

Sonic CD: This was close to the best Sonic the Hedgehog game ever made. It featured the titular anthropomorph in an adventure where he had to collect Time Stones (instead of the Chaos Emeralds for a change). The gimmick was you could trip signs that said either “past” or “future” in a given level. Travel fast enough after this, and you’d find yourself zipping either back or forward in time. This changed both the level design and aesthetic. Go forward and you’d find yourself in a dystopian future, the Sonic equivalent of Blade Runner, with a shitload of enemies and traps. Go back and you could find a prehistoric world with fewer enemies and a mysterious robot generator hidden in each. Blow this puppy up, go forward in time again, and you’d find yourself in a different “present” or future, featuring fewer traps, enemies, and generally good times. The effect was essentially four times the levels found in a normal game. About the only bad thing about this game was the unforgivable introduction of the hideous Amy Rose character, who will one day be boiled in oil if I have anything to say about it. And I will.

Ahem. Now, to mention the ridiculously great techno soundtrack, which was only available on the Japanese and European (which includes New Zealand) releases. For some reason, Sega, a notoriously arbitrary company, decided Americans weren’t quite ready for techno yet, and wrote shitty, shitty music for the Yank release. But the original music was mint. I haven’t even touched on the boss battles, which were probably the best of any Sonic game (bar Sonic 3 and Knuckles) and which culminated in a fantastic race-off between Sonic and the sinister Metal Sonic. Yeah. I’ve already said too much about this. Where can you play it? Well, unless you’ve got a Sega Mega CD lying about (unlikely) you’ll need to play it on PC CD-ROM on Windows, which sadly features only the crappy American music—it’s still possible to find in shops. Otherwise, your best bet is one of the many Sonic collections available for various consoles or the pirate-y realms of BitTorrent. Do play it.

This isn’t the VUWSA election season we all know and love. Things have been disgustingly quiet—cordial, even. The prickly tentacles of civilised discourse seem to have taken hold and wrapped themselves around the torso of this year’s band of gnarly political bandits.

The universal law of student politics, much like the science described in Back to the Future, says two student politicians cannot exist in the same space without the universe collapsing.

So, Salient went along to this year’s candidates’ forum hoping for Armageddon, but getting something as lame as that film starring Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis about that asteroid.

No, friend, you’re welcome.

What they said:

Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association Presidential candidate Alan Young revealed that he supports Voluntary Student Membership (VSM) of students’ associations.

Young, the self-proclaimed “people’s voice”, went on to say many of his supporters think VSM is a good idea and consideration should be given to it.

Max Hardy, who is also running for president, said he would fight against VSM but acknowledged that if his views ran contrary to the majority he will go with what the students wanted. Salient was confused as to why he chose not to run on a “Soft Speaking, Hard Hitting” ticket. Your mum would call him a “Such a nice boy” if she met him. Mums love Max.

Fraser Pearce on why he should be council rep: “Cheaper drinks, pimping out the van—YOU!” He then compared himself to Sarah Palin. Remember her from that other election? Oh ho ho, you get cultural references.

James Sleep belied his surname and gave a coherent and well thought-out talk about why he should be Education Officer. “Student voices need to be heard in the appropriate way,” he said. The normal convention of allowing sound to pass through the eardrum and into your cerebellum quite clearly has no grounding with Mr Sleep.

Alan Young offered these thoughts on being Activities Officer: “Guy Williams was the one who got me into politics… I want to continue his legacy.” Williams was on the VUWSA exec for less than two months before the election result was invalidated. Kia ora, never-read news section, kia ora.

Bridie Hood promised she wouldn’t throw produce at anyone and urged the need for “awareness and promotion” at the association. It’s a shame those kinds of promises need to be made.

Fraser Pearce once again got up to tell us why we should vote for him to be Clubs Officer. He said he wanted to give more money to hostels, allowing the opportunity for you to be on the same mixed-touch team as that tousle-haired pale-skinned guy from E-Floor.

Former Women’s Rights officer Caitlin Dunham was greeted with a rousing applause from the audience. Caitlin outlined her achievements in the past two months. Probably the most qualified and passionate person to speak. Girl wants her job back, mmmhmm!

Craig Carey, who is running for Welfare Officer, wanted to be part of making VUWSA “respectable and competent,” which are also the only prerequisites needed to work as an airline hostess.

Zach Dorner believes that by harnessing his powers of cool he can beat no confidence, saying “I rock the block every time.” He also emphasised that he was committed to the long haul, saying “commitment is part of who I am. I’m single as well.” He also claimed no confidence is “crap”. No Confidence could not be reached for comment at the time of print.

Long-time VUWSA execer Seamus Brady listed his achievements and rightly said: “Vote for me to keep the good work going.” Brady, who has been working at VUWSA since 1963, is two van purchases away from retirement.

Sam Mason, Kieran O’Connor, Alice Pan, Conrad Reyners and William Wu did not show up to the forum. They all have names that are fun to say out loud though.

Queer Representative, VP Administration and Publications Committee Representative did not receive nominations. A by-election will be held for these positions early next year.