What’s your perfect date?
A. That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25th, because it’s not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket
B. Hotel Bristol for a game of pool, accompanied by banter that consists entirely of Borat quotes
C. Catch something French at the Film Festival, then a bike home through the botanical gardens while listening to SoundCloud rips through an iPhone speaker
D. Mother does not allow me to date until I am 35 years of age

What are you listening to during a late night study sesh?
A. Whatever Taylor Swift album I have in my Bratz boombox!
B. The Joe Rogan Experience while I snort research chemicals I bought online from Russia
C. lofi hip hop beats to study/relax to 24/7 live stream, for ultimate efficiency
D. Recordings I have made of myself crying, because it harmonises with my current crying

What do you hope to get out of your degree?
A. A nice job, a nice partner, and a nice baby, out of which I hopefully only hate two of three
B. Cs get degrees lads, and I’m going into politics
C. A good barista job that pays the living wage
D. A reason to live, and the validation I’ve always wanted but never received

What does your before-bed routine consist of?
A. First I remove my makeup with Micellar water, then cleanse, tone, moisturize, and apply pimple cream — a hydrating mask if I’m feeling fancy
B. Messaging every former hook-up on my phone with “u up?” and getting no response
C. A benzodiazepine and a mug of rooibos
D. I literally do not sleep and am so tired that I have come to see Christian Bale’s character in The Machinist as something to aspire to

Be honest – what are your thoughts on the university name change?
A. I hate it! That money should be used to clone Phoebe the tuatara
B. It was a good choice, which I am willing to state publicly for a higher grade on my final paper
C. I couldn’t care less, but only because this institution has made me so apathetic
D. I am angry they did not accept my suggestion of “Mr Toad’s Wild Ride”

Who is getting your vote for Bird of the Year 2018?
A. Kiwi, because it’s a classic, like Marilyn Monroe, and Friends, and dads disappointing you
B. Tūī, because that is a beer, and I like beer, but not so much birds, but if I had to pick one
C. Kererū, so I can post online about how they get drunk all the time and caption it “#same”
D. The rats in my ceiling, because they listen to me

Where is your fave on-campus lunch spot between classes?
A. Vic Books, because I have finally flirted enough with the barista to get a reasonable discount
B. The library, talking loudly on my phone and eating three pies in a row while I disregard the people around me who are trying to study
C. The women’s room, because it is always empty for some reason
D. The graveyard, because I am dead inside

If you’re indulging in a bit of retail therapy, where are you headed?
A. Emporium: I was born in the wrong decade, y’know? Because back then this ironic t-shirt would definitely be at least half this price
B. Good As Gold: trendy branded dad hats, $90 keyrings, and printed long-sleeves that are sure to impress my peers/several niche subreddits
C. Kowtow: clean shapes combined with breezy linens makes for versatile looks for joining any number of religious sects
D. I’ve actually been working on the most amazing suit made out of human skin

What movie could you watch over and over again?
A. To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before – Noah Centineo is looking like a snack!
B. Fight Club – it’s cool when the men fight the other men. Haha, masculinity is such a prison
C. Inception – it makes you like, really think and I also like that one noise that goes “BWAHHH”
D. Flower of Flesh & Blood – the Japanese horror film that Charlie Sheen watched on heaps of cocaine and thought was a real snuff film and reported to the FBI in 1991

It’s Saturday night — where are you sure to hit up for a dance?
A. 121, because I’m on pingers and I want to lose my phone, ID, and wallet tonight
B. Estab, because I’m on pingers and I want to yell across the room at other heterosexuals
C. Caroline, because I’m on pingers and I want to hook up with one of my Twitter mutuals
D. I do not go outside and will be staying at home with my collection of skulls, also what is a pinger

Mostly As: The Sex and the City character you are most like is Charlotte! The Marvel Cinematic Universe Chris of your dreams is Chris Pine! If you were a comfort food, you’d be lasagne! If Garfield were real, he’d eat that lasagne! He’d eat you alive! And you’d be like, stop, no, it’s me, I’m the lasagne! But Garfield can’t hear you! Don’t worry about that now; relax, have a glass of vino and enjoy your uni break. Garfield’s not real. But if he were, you’d be dead.
Mostly Bs: God, I don’t know. You’ll break a bone. You’ll party ‘til you pass out. You’ll go to South East Asia and get a photo for your Tinder profile with a sedated tiger. You’ll probably get in a fight with me on Vic Deals about something stupid. Maybe you will meet someone new and fall in love, but it definitely won’t be because of that photo with the tiger. Seriously, please stop doing this, it is so fucking depressing.

Mostly Cs: Now that you’re done with uni for the year, it’s time to drop out and move to Melbourne, then London, then Berlin. When you’ve spent all your money on drugs and cold brew coffee, it’s back home to New Zealand to live with your parents! Luckily, global warming is going to kill us within 20 years so that won’t last forever, and you won’t even have to worry about your student debt in the end. Always a silver lining.
Mostly Ds: You have been reported to the authorities. Following your trial you are likely to be imprisoned, either in a literal prison or a psychological one of your own making, where you will begin to write the next Unabomber manifesto. After amassing a small but loyal cult following for your writings, you will sacrifice your physical body to be eaten by the Wellington Zoo dingoes, while your immortal spirit transcends this astral plane into the next realm. Far out.

Disclaimer: This personality quiz, like all personality quizzes, including astrology which is basically a personality quiz, is not real or accurate, and I would even go so far as to say it is full of shit.

Due to original budget cuts, Salient staff feared they would have to sell the divine dough to make ends meet — though they were mysteriously unable to find any takers for the yeasty vestige throughout the year. Now, with the naan secured, a sigh of relief fills the office; a sigh that echoes around our walls, as we have been informed keeping the doors propped open with stacks of magazines is a “safety hazard”. The naan has been a constant source of inspiration to the beleaguered staff of Salient 2018, reminding them that they too are here forever, and to use more garlic in their struggle meals.
Staff remain overworked and underpaid but are delighted to retain the naan, which still remains mould-free, though has slipped and shrunk in its frame not unlike the Te Papa colossal squid. If the budget allows, there are hopes for restoration of the masticated memento.
When asked for comment, current Salient editor Louise Lin was quoted as saying: “At this point I’m so fucking grateful to be given any cash at all that I am hungrily scooping up any crumbs that come my way. I have been thoroughly brainwashed; all hail Lord VUWSA.”

CW: the shit parts of the internet. Discussions of suicide, eating disorder, incels, and Donald Trump.

When did you first get the internet? When was the first time you realized you could be whoever you wanted online? What was the first forum where you really felt like you were among like-minded people? Neopets? Bebo? Geocities? Or did you get a little darker? Vampire Freaks? Best Gore? The depths of Fanfiction.net?

Being online in the early 2000s was a doozy, but it’s a fully-fledged second world in 2018. Quietly, all this time, corners of the internet were and are being radicalized by the least radical of all: a division of young white men who believe their rights face extinction in a liberal society gone wild. They are known as MRAs (Men’s Rights Activists) and the Alt-Right — and they’re not so quiet anymore, with huge thriving communities on massive platforms like Reddit (aka “the front page of the internet”), and 4chan.
Unbeknownst to much of the general (older) population, these sites operate as meeting grounds to mobilize a generation of angry young men, where they plant seeds for infiltrating the wider culture with discord and bigotry. Basically, it’s like if Revenge of the Nerds was real, and they also had guns. It’s terrifying, and it’s spreading rapidly, like a fungus with a neckbeard and a My Little Pony dakimakura.

I’ve had plenty of my own brushes with online toxicity. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed internet access in my home until I hit high school. My mother hoped keeping me offline would prevent me from becoming dependent on the World Wide Web; this backfired and it wasn’t long before she’d be charging down the hallway to the lounge at 4am, threatening to unplug the modem if I didn’t get off the computer immediately.
I began my first online diary at age 13 on Livejournal.

As of 2018 Livejournal is owned by Russia and kept afloat by large groups following K-pop and celebrity gossip. But in my prime years (2005-2009), it was also known for pro-anorexia networks that I fell right into during the throes of my eating disorder. In amongst the hundreds of posts a day of calorie counts, binge regrets, and “inspirational” quotes, I found another poster from New Zealand who lived in Hamilton. She came and stayed with me in Christchurch when I was 15. We ate twice the whole week (sorry mom).
After highschool I moved my online diary keeping to Tumblr. My blog became an extension of myself, as it began to deliver more validation than my real life. It was a place to unload my most intrusive thoughts, and I quickly attracted a number of anonymous voyeurs drawn in by my vulnerability, who felt entitled to tell me things like, “I masturbate over your pictures every day,” and “Everyone is waiting for you to kill yourself”. Once, someone told me they talked about me so much that their mother consulted a psychic friend about me. But I had never felt more appreciated, more important, or simply more cool, than when I was posting 20 times a day on my stupid blog. I was in a bubble of people who thought like me and uplifted me for it — when they weren’t trying to crawl into my brain and lay worms inside. At the time I really couldn’t see any fault in this fun hobby that was literally destroying my self-esteem day by day, and misinforming the fuck out of me.
These experiences all ended with pretty big wake up calls for me about my privacy, my internet usage, the sources of my information, and how easy it is to get caught up in something that makes you feel important when you didn’t before.

But being Extremely Online doesn’t always end with optimistic personal growth.

Elliot Rodger, who took 6 lives in a stabbing and shooting spree killing in California in 2014, has become an “incel hero” (incel meaning “involuntary celibate”) after his misogynistic YouTube rants were found after the incident. Alek Minassian, who drove down a busy Toronto street in his van earlier this year and killed 10 people, prefaced his attack with a Facebook post announcing his intent to begin “an incel rebellion”. MRA and Alt-Right communities are not dissimilar in operation to cults. They prey on vulnerabilities, and claim to provide not only a solution to life’s problems but control over those who cause them. Paradoxically, its members pride themselves on being too smart to be manipulated. As soon as these ideals began to leak into the public consciousness through Donald Trump’s campaign and current presidency, these communities became training grounds for the real-time weaponization of pure hatred and resentment.
At the forefront of these communities is Reddit’s /r/TheRedPill, a reference to 1999 film The Matrix, where main character Neo is offered the choice of two pills; the blue pill, which will keep him within the blissful ignorance of the simulation that is the Matrix, or the red pill, which will wake him up and force him to exist in the harshness of the real world. In The Red Pill speak, the blue pill represents succumbing to the mainstream “delusion” that men, women, and gender minorities are equal (or that the latter even exist), and the red pill represents waking up to the true nature of women: abominable monsters set on the destruction of men. As an operation, it targets alienated young men who feel disconnected from the expectations of mainstream cis-heteronormative society. It emotionally manipulates them with rhetoric that takes the onus of their behavior and places it onto the unrequited object of their affections. Their emotions then manifest as a deep-seated hatred of women and the desire to wholly dominate them. It describes itself as a forum for “discussion of sexual strategy in a culture increasingly lacking a positive identity for men”, aiming to rescue men who have fallen victim to the women’s rights movement by way of lost job opportunities or sexual harassment allegations, or worse: become emasculated incels. Along with being a “safe space” for men to share tips and personal experiences in their desire to mentally and physically subordinate women, the subreddit also serves as a front page for the Men’s Rights movement online, with a plethora of links to related podcasts and other media for the Alpha male consumer.
A browse of the subreddit’s top all-time posts includes: “The most important part of the game is not being emotionally invested”, “Three ways to consciously manipulate women before they subconsciously manipulate you”, and “Now I am become Chad, destroyer of pussy”. The latter is a lament on how the author has apparently implemented The Red Pill’s system for becoming attractive to such success that he now feels depressed instead of triumphant that he can see all women as “lying fucktoys”, a post that inexplicably opens with a Sylvia Plath quote and clocks in at over 4,000 words. You would think that when you end up creating an acronym for when women do not wish to consent to sexual relations with you — LMR, “Last Minute Resistance” — it’s time to seek help for your own behavior, but The Red Pill doubles down on this being the unfortunate — and in their eyes, hopefully reversible — result of a world turned upside-down by the advancement of women’s rights. When respecting those different to you is presented as a weakness and the source of all one’s loneliness, it pushes these men further away from being able to fix their behavior before it is too late, prevents them from finding real meaningful connections in life, and enables the cycle of violence against women and gender minorities out of spite.
Along with The Red Pill, /r/TheDonald fall within the movement known as the Alt-Right, a relatively loosely defined group with extremely far-right aligned politics, as held by white nationalists and Holocaust deniers.
The Alt-Right is associated with figureheads such as Richard Spencer, a prominent neo-Nazi who was infamously punched in the face after Donald Trump’s inauguration while wearing a Pepe the Frog pin, and Gavin McInnes, former editor of liberal zeitgeist tome Vice Magazine. He now heads a far-right men’s organization known as the Proud Boys. The Proud Boys believe that it is humiliating and emasculating for men to not consume meat or dairy, and disparagingly refer to those who do not consume either as “soy boys”. The Donald, and indeed Donald Trump’s fanbase in general, operates in a similar way to The Red Pill, weaponizing insecurities in those who have always been told they have no need to feel insecure.

Reddit’s accessibility, combined with the relative anonymity of the internet, means it can serve as a mainstream forum for such open bigotry more so than the more “underground” 4chan, and has effectively mobilized a legion of young white men, who were otherwise isolated from social networks, to rail against their perceived oppressors. The users of The Donald aim to antagonize and troll the left into self-destruction, while chipping away at their credibility and attempting to infiltrate and build distrust within those communities.

Their tactics, fostered within the internet’s original Hellmouth, 4chan, can seem so innocuous that it’s easy to miss their gravitas. An example is 4chan and the Alt-Right’s successful rebranding of illustrator Matt Furie’s friendly character Pepe the Frog to a mascot for white supremacy, akin to a modern day version of the re-appropriation of the swastika by the Nazis (Furie, after an admirable campaign to reclaim Pepe, announced the character’s death in 2017).
First launched in 2003, 4chan is a forum modelled on Japanese image boards for discussing otaku and popular culture. It’s entirely anonymous, and its original focus on anime and manga has expanded over time to boards for broader and Western-based topics such as film, music, video games, and NSFW content. The site soon became known as a hub for the propagation of racist and misogynistic memes, encouragement of doxxing (posting personal information of someone online with the intent to direct abuse to them in real life), and uploads of revenge and child pornography.
4chan’s founder Christopher “moot” Poole stepped down from and ceased involvement with the site in 2015, after Gamergate, where several boards including /pol/ (politics), /v/ (video games), and /b/ (“random”), participated in the targeted harassment of women in the gaming industry. Their primary target was developer Zoë Quinn, who was forced to flee her home after being subjected to repeated hacking and doxxing. Many 4chan posters and members of online groups for male-coded hobbies like video games see women and gender minorities as threats to these tight-knit communities, which most of these men do not have in their IRL lives.
/pol/ in particular received heavy traffic during the 2016 US Presidential Election, with a general board-wide support of Donald Trump, either for his politics or his role as “the ultimate troll” that embodied 4chan’s ideals of societal chaos. /pol/ planned several campaigns of their own during this time that revolved around the infiltration of pro-Clinton groups to disseminate disinformation and distrust; there are rumours that the infamous “Pee Tape” is a hoax of /pol/ origins, operating as a straw man to discredit liberal media and validate Trump’s “fake news” agenda. Along with The Donald, /pol/ was integral to the spread of the officially debunked Pizzagate conspiracy. “Pizzagate” alleged that officials in Hillary Clinton’s campaign were involved in the satanic ritual sexual abuse of children, operating out of a pizza restaurant, Comet Ping Pong, in Washington, DC. In 2016 a man was apprehended in Comet Ping Pong after firing a rifle, after he had travelled from North Carolina to investigate the conspiracy for himself.
Since their inception, online MRA and Alt-Right communities have escalated in confidence of their bigotry and their threats of violence — and Donald Trump’s presidency and his propagation of such open hatred only fuels these young men in their behavior.

But all is not lost. For every cry of “soy boy Beta cuck” on one subreddit, there will be a young person learning the grassroots of intersectional feminism on another. Like humanity itself, the internet is constantly growing and expanding, and we the user have the power to use this tool for the positive, and brave through the nuclear winter of viral misogyny. While even in New Zealand we suffer the consequences of President Donald Trump, it is important to remember the words of First Lady Michelle Obama: when they go low, we go high — with a little sprinkle of cathartic roasting of these nerds on the Twitter timeline, which I can’t directly quote Michelle Obama on. The internet is an incredibly valuable resource for humanity, in giving a voice and a platform to those who have historically not held those things, and should be providing multitudes of diverse, positive, and informative communities all over the world. We simply can’t let that space be used to unite literal fucking Nazis in 2018.

4. Big Brother Australia: After Dark
If you put a bunch of young hot Australians in a house for several months with no escape, they are going to get horned up, and then the rest of Australia, and as a result New Zealand, will want to watch it. I’m pretty sure I literally saw someone get teabagged on this show. When I googled the show, the third result was from PornHub. Why couldn’t everyone just masturbate in the toilet like Tiffany Pollard did on CBBUK and leave it at that?
3. Sex and the City
For most people my age (mid-to-late twenties), Sex and the City is the number one show they sneak-watched late at night, up close to the TV, with the volume down very low. SatC is how I learned about dildos, oral sex, and poorly prioritizing my money. Of course it all flew over my head because I was literally nine years old, but I sure felt cool and mischievous. After a rewatch as an adult woman, it makes a lot more sense and I also have discovered I am, unfortunately, a Carrie — I don’t believe in astrology, but I do strongly believe everyone is a character from Sex and the City. You are usually the one you hate the most because you see yourself in their flaws so much, unless you are a Samantha, in which case: nice!

2. Queer As Folk (US)
I watched the entirety of this show — about the lives of a group of gay men and their loved ones in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania — between the ages of fourteen and fifteen, at a time when I was voraciously working my way through my local indie rental store’s queer section. My mother would always let me rent whatever I wanted because she trusted me, which was foolish because I was going through puberty and not at all to be trusted. Queer As Folk was groundbreaking in its representation of gay men at the time, and it also did not fuck around in its depictions of fucking; in the very first episode I was introduced to rimming. I think this show influenced a lot of my teen writing career, which was primarily sexually explicit Harry/Draco fanfiction written by me, a virgin who couldn’t drive. But look at me now! I still can’t drive.
1. Nip/Tuck
Nip/Tuck is Ryan Murphy’s classic medical drama about wanting to be inside people with both surgical tools and your penis. It is a very sexy show where everyone is extremely angry and sad all the time, and was surely the least positive role model for my teenage hormones from this list. If I think about it too hard, it unnerves me that Ryan Murphy has been simultaneously entertaining, disappointing, and traumatizing me since 1999 — over two-thirds of my life. Best not to think about such things, shut up, and keep watching the filthy television.

Unfortunately, neither the Politics Society nor TradeMe can guarantee that David will not savagely ghost you on all social media immediately after your time together, only to hit you up eight months later with a “wyd?” text at 3am because he’s sad-drunk again after remembering he holds no real power in government.
While one can only wonder what goes through the mind of someone involved in a bidding war past $500 to spend an extended period of time with David Seymour, we are at this point so deep in the simulation that nothing really matters at all. Bid on this auction. In fact, get all of your money out of the bank and set it on fire in the street. Capitalism is a prison. Control is an illusion. Embrace chaos. All hail Suzy Cato.

Best F(r)iends is comprised of two parts — “It’s kind of like Kill Bill” — and the premiere of Volume One was followed by a Q & A session with Sestero — at which I may have, in front of a large audience, asked him who killed JonBenét Ramsey — and a traditional screening of The Room, with full audience participation and plastic cutlery provided. The Roxy shows the 2013 classic every month, continuing on a now-worldwide cult tradition initially started by a group of film students who caught the film’s early run and coined its riffs, in the independent screenings financed from Wiseau’s mysterious and seemingly bottomless bank account. We waded through a floor thick with spoons and forks on our way out of the cinema when the evening wrapped up just after midnight.
Earlier that day, I smoked three cigarettes, ate five mints, and met Greg at The Roxy for our interview. He was very personable and forthcoming even though I was openly nervous. He also thought my name was Candy the entire time and signed my copy of his book as such.

Katie Meadows: Well, I wanted to say: Greg, it’s great to be in the room with you.

Greg Sestero: A new room.

The Room is infamously known as “The Best Bad Movie” or “The Citizen Kane of bad movies”. Art itself is subjective in nature, yet I feel a lot of people have very objective opinions about the film: Do you think it’s fair to call it a bad movie, considering the context of it? 
I mean, on a technical level — if you watch Inception, and then you watch the execution of The Room, then yes. But if you break it down to an entertainment level, then The Room is like going to the drive-thru at In-N-Out Burger or McDonalds and getting sloppy late-night food, it’s an easy sell. You can just invite your friends back, “Let’s get hammered, let’s watch this movie that is completely insane,” and it’s a great night. So in that sense, it’s not a bad movie, it’s great entertainment, but if you’re trying to put it in the same category as these films that are very well made, like Gone Girl, then yeah, it lives up to its reputation.

I think there’s definitely a difference between a movie being “good” and a movie being “enjoyable”.
Yeah, because there’s movies that I’ve seen that have a budget of 50 million, are shot beautifully, and there’s stars in them, but I can’t finish them. I’m just not into it, it doesn’t work, it doesn’t grab me. So I think the worst movies are the ones you just wanna turn off after ten minutes. I think The Room gets that [bad movie] rap because of… many reasons; when you’re watching it you laugh out loud, because you’re like, “Wait, what is this about? Why did they make that choice?” so I get it in that regard. But I think for entertainment purposes, if you have the right sense of humour it can be something just as good as Inception, but in a backwards way.

I think we could say it’s better than Inception. Do you think that The Room qualifies as outsider art?
Yes, I would say it does, because it wasn’t accepted by a big studio, or developed by “professionals” per se, it was just made by one person who saw the world a different way. It was a cry out for help — “Hey I’m a star! I’m a great actor! Watch!” so it’s very much outsider art.

I would say it’s one of the most successful pieces of outsider art in that regard. 

Yeah, it got embraced by the people, which is kind of what we all want to do. So ideally, it’s embraced by the people because it’s a phenomenal film, but I guess there’s just different ways to affect people.

You’ve only watched The Room a couple of times yourself. Do you just tap out of it when you go to the screenings?
I think it’s so much fun to watch with a crowd but yeah, I’ve watched it very few times and almost every time it’s been with a crowd.

How do you feel when you watch it?
I get a kick out of it but I think it would be a lot harder if I made this movie and I had thought it was gonna be great, and you really put your heart and soul into it, and people are laughing and you feel like you’re being laughed at. But for me, I think when people watch the movie they can tell — “Poor guy, he’s just going through it.”

The very first time you watched it, when you went to the premiere, what was that like?

It was a different time in the industry, 2003, so a lot of people weren’t [ready]. It was a cult film, it was a premiere, a publicist brought a bunch of people thinking they were coming to see A Streetcar Named Desire dramatic film, and people were just like “What the fuck are they doing, what is going on.” So yeah, I thought that was it and that was as far as it was gonna go.

Do you ever feel like [in press junkets] that people were patronising Tommy, or didn’t really know how to talk to him?

It’s a weird situation, because I think when you’re different and misunderstood people are enamoured and have their own way of dealing with it. So I think everyone’s pretty much good natured, but that’s the thing when you put out a movie or put your personality out there and it’s really different — you’ve just gotta expect a lot of different reactions, y’know? I think overall there’s a lot of love surrounding it. I dont think its coming from a negative place, and I think over time people have come to just appreciate it.

Was everyone respectful during the filming of The Disaster Artist?

I’ve never seen so many people look so happy to be part of a movie. They worked so hard, it was contagious. So there was a lot of love and passion that went into making that film.

Did you have any say in the casting at all?
No, well, I figured, James [Franco] did a really good review of the book and I feel like it was interesting to me to let him see what he loved about the book, and do his thing. Writing it I was like… Javier Bardem as Tommy, Ryan Gosling as Greg, and I had this whole list of people, so that was the pipedream. Like, hey, let’s make a great movie about what people call the worst movie.

At the Golden Globes when James went up, and then Tommy went up, and then he got cut off [from speaking], what was your reaction to that?

Well, Tommy didn’t want to go up on stage initially and so I was trying to force him to go up there, and he was pushing me back, and I’m like, no, go! He was trying to drag me up there, and so at the last minute I pushed him to go up. I didn’t really see him reach for the mic because everything was kind of chaotic, but I watched it later and [thought] this is incredible, what a perfect cap off of this whole thing. It became the most talked about moment, him reaching for that mic, but I think you have limited time up there; James was just trying to keep it all together, you don’t know what Tommy was gonna say, so he was probably just like, “Woah.”

Could you give me a little bit of background on the new movie [Best F(r)iends] and how it came about?

So Best F(r)iends is the first movie Tommy and I have made since The Room. I didn’t ever expect to work with him again, for a lot of reasons. I wrote the script in four days after having an edible, and I was inspired by a road trip we took up the California coast in which he thought I was gonna try kill him. So it kind of evolved [as a] mish-mash of our real life experiences, with noir films and weird TV shows, and Nightcrawler which is a film I really like, so it was a mix of things. I pitched it to him and surprisingly he wanted to do it, and a big goal for me was to write a part and make a film with him in a lead character in a role that fits him, because I feel like all these [other] parts are just exploiting him in a way, like “Wacky Tommy” and I [wanted to] let him really be a character he can take seriously, and see what happens. A couple of friends that saw it said it’s “David Lynch, filtered through The Room, divided by The Disaster Artist”.

Was it a natural process to have more of an equal role with Tommy when making the movie?
Yeah, this was a much more enjoyable experience. I think with Tommy as an actor, it was more fascinating to me because I could enjoy his quirky qualities and really try to get a performance out of him, where he didn’t have to be in charge of this happening and that happening. So him just showing up and performing I thought was a better fit, in my experience. I’d also had some experience writing the book so I kind of knew what it was like to put the project together, and I enjoyed doing all the behind-the-scenes work in this case.

Do you have a favourite conspiracy about Tommy, and do you know the one where he is DB Cooper?

That’s addressed in Volume One.

Oh my god, I love it. That was one of my favourite conspiracies to read about. Especially because the only evidence was that he kind of talked weird and he was tall? I think that was it. 

Well, Tommy’s not tall.

Oh, well I guess that one’s out the window then. Or out the plane, so to speak. 

I think that was my favourite for a long time, or that he’s a Transylvanian vampire.

Well, I think he’s definitely a vampire. It’s alright, you can tell me, if he is a vampire…

I have pretty good reason to believe so.

Do you think this is who you are now? The guy from The Room? 

No, I mean, I made The Room 15 years ago and then the book ended up becoming its own movie, and now it’s just about making new things. You gotta start somewhere, it’s about being smart, because I wanted to do a bunch of different things, but I think it was important to do another movie with Tommy and try to do something really different, and I think it’s a good start for going in a new direction.

It’s sort of your retribution, because you don’t want to just be known as the people from that bad movie. 
Yeah, I mean exactly, but you gotta be in something that people see and from that you can evolve from it. If you don’t have The Room then you don’t really have a starting place.

Well, I guess when Tarzan doesn’t work out you gotta go with The Room, right? [Some time before The Room, Greg was hired for a three-day promotional stint in Vegas dressed as Tarzan handing out muesli bars.]

That is true.

I have no idea why you though that being Tarzan would involve wearing a full costume.

I have no idea. I imagined just a big suit or something.

But just a loincloth.
So, by the way, the girl who hired me all those years ago saw The Disaster Artist, and said “I thought you looked familiar!” and had pictures of me, as Tarzan, so you’re gonna see. I was like, “go away.” [leans over and shows the photo on his phone]

Oh my god, you’re so shiny.
Oh, I didn’t think of that.

Did they oil you up for it?

No, I don’t think so. I guess that’s why I was meant to be Tarzan. She kept these photos! I was like, nobody saw this, thank God, I escaped. It was just standing on a fuckin’ convention floor selling granola bars. I remember I went to the bathroom and I was almost about to cry, “Now I have to drive all the way home, and back out of this job, and they’re gonna be really upset.” And there was a really weird reaction — have you heard of Thunder Down Under [an all-male strip revue from Australia]? There was a manager guy there, and he walks up to me and he could see I wasn’t happy about being Tarzan, and he looked at me and he was like, “You’re so straight.” Well, yeah, but where the hell are you getting that? He asked if I was from Thunder Down Under and I [thought] this show needs to end, I need to get out of here.

Well, again, that’s nice – they thought you were a professional Tarzan. 

I started to think about where should I go, do I pursue Tarzan? But life goes on.

Kit Taylor loved The Simpsons, rats, Nick Cave, Victoria Bitters, a strong skullet (his haircut of choice: a shaved head with an isolated mullet flowing out the back). He loved his friends, deeply. He was a talented singer and songwriter, who prior to his death had released his first EP Prayers. He was also forging a path as a hand poke tattoo artist, and can be seen in an episode of the VICE show Needles & Pins with Grace Neutral. In 2017 he contributed to Salient with a review of Lorde’s Melodrama, and an interview on Salient FM about music and gender, with Kit playing some songs live-to-air. While Kit had lived the last few years of his life as a non-binary individual, since moving to Wellington from Auckland he had recently become more open in identifying as a transgender man, and wore a chest binder in the year before his passing. When he moved to Wellington he would often be found at the inner city flat of our mutual friend, Cole, that she shared with her then-partner Calse, and their friend Damon. Kit began a relationship with Damon in early 2017.  

I first met Kit online in 2011 after we had both attended an Auckland chapter of SlutWalk. I posted a photo of the denim jacket I had worn that day, with a hastily scrawled “NO MEANS NO”, on my Tumblr; Kit reblogged it saying, “I saw this girl at the walk today and wanted to ask her out so bad!” We kept in touch online and ran into each other at parties, and though we didn’t see each other in person a lot, that was okay, because we were both introverted and anxious and didn’t have to make excuses. We could still maintain a friendship through chat windows. We received our diagnoses of borderline personality disorder around the same time, and bonded further over that unique safety in being able to talk to someone openly, without judgement, to someone who was just as crazy as you. Kit attended my first and only show I performed under a former musical alias at my shitty Kingsland flat as part of a fundraiser for dolphins; after I played he asked his partner at the time for all the money they had on them for me to pose in a photo with, so I would look successful. Four years later, after we had both moved to Wellington, I would attend Kit’s last ever show, a gig organized as part of the Vic UFO Women’s Week that raised over $1000 for Shakti Women’s Refuge. I told him how amazing his set was and his face lit up with the biggest grin I had ever seen, that pure hit of sweet sincere validation from one Borderline to another. We shared a spliff in a parked car and talked about how shit everything felt, but at least we were here. And then less than a week later he was gone.

On Monday 7th August, after growing increasingly unstable and upset, Kit stopped himself from a suicide attempt last minute. Cole called Te Haika, who advised Kit to control his breathing and contact his GP when possible. “It was basically go and do some breathing exercises, have a cig and a cup of tea,” Cole told me. On Tuesday the decision was made by Kit’s friends to take him into the hospital to meet with CATT (Crisis Assessment and Treatment team) and discuss how to proceed to ensure his safety. CATT broached the subject of Kit staying with Cole, Calse, and Damon, which all three felt was unsafe due to their full-time study and work schedules. They felt they would be unable to provide Kit with the time and care necessary while he was so at risk, and were told it was either that or respite, which Cole felt was an ultimatum. “They didn’t give us any advice, they just said we had to pick one now.”

It was arranged for Kit to stay at a local respite facility, with plans made for him to fly up to Auckland the coming Saturday to stay with his mother until something more concrete could be put in place. Kit was distraught at the idea of returning to Auckland, a source of a lot of his trauma, but he understood there was no other option and was happy for Cole and Calse to take him to the airport that weekend. The last time they would see Kit would be Thursday; exhausted, he lay in Cole’s arms at respite and apologized for what he was putting her through. Cole believes Kit took his life not long after they left respite that evening. Because respite facilities do not provide frequent check-ins on residents, his body was not found until the morning of Friday 11th.

On the Saturday morning, Cole and Calse were preparing to leave to pick up Kit from the respite and take him to the airport. They had not heard from Kit since leaving respite on Thursday evening, and attempts at calling his phone from Friday onward went through to answering machine. With no available contact number for the respite, she called the Te Haika hotline seeking a number for the facility, who after several holds and transfers said they were unable to disclose that information, but would pass on her call to Kit’s listed next of kin. Assuming she would be informed if something was wrong, Cole jumped in the shower while she waited for an update. The phone rang as she climbed out — it was Kit’s mother telling her Kit was dead.

“I was still in the towel, and I ran into [my friend’s] arms, I was all wet, and I just cried,” she said. At this stage Kit’s death had been known to Te Haika for over 24 hours, and he had been dead for at least 32. Neither Cole, Calse, or Damon received any contact from Te Haika or respite in this time or after.

We drove up to Auckland from Wellington on Saturday 19th for the funeral. I have agoraphobia and didn’t last 24 hours in Auckland before I had to get out; no flights were available and I booked the first 11 hour bus home, set with a couple of Zopiclone my GP had given me. I felt horrible missing the funeral, but I knew Kit wouldn’t mind, he always understood. I sent him a message on Facebook apologizing. I’ve sent him a lot of messages since then.

Police made their first contact the week following Kit’s death in a call requesting Cole and Damon come in to give interviews to assist with the coroner’s statement, with follow up emails in September and October. Following Kit’s death, Damon had moved in with his father in his hometown, and it wasn’t until November 7th that he and Cole found the time and energy to give their statements to police. If the coroner decided Kit’s death was preventable, a case against the services involved would be viable. The statements from Te Haika, CATT, and respite would hold huge influence over the final outcome of the coroner’s statement. Cole does not know to what lengths they divulged their involvement. While police offered advice on how to follow through with legal action, including information regarding the Health and Disability Commission, at no point did they mention any time limit on the coroner’s inquest, only that its finalization and the return of Kit’s belongings at his time of death would signify the case’s closure. Between grieving her close friend and a full-time study and work schedule, when Cole felt confident in considering pursuing further legal action, the case had already been closed. At present time Cole is unsure if there is still an opportunity to seek some kind of accountability from Te Haika, or if she even has the resources to do so, adding she would not want to overstep any boundaries with or cause upset for Kit’s family.

So many questions run through my mind over and over when I think about Kit’s passing. If Kit required 24/7 watch, why did Te Haika then suggest respite, where residents are not regularly monitored? Inpatient psychiatric wards are specifically designed to prevent suicide attempts, i.e. no railings to attach roping or cord. Why did Te Haika not take his lengthy history of suicide attempts seriously? From my own experience I know Borderlines are heavily stigmatized, even by professionals, with acts of self-harm relegated as attention seeking. Why was there no communication from Te Haika with his close friends who were actively working with these services to get him care? I continue to watch my friends grieve and try to reconcile this series of events, while the people responsible for Kit’s death close their books, with no accountability or even an admittance of fault, having jotted Kit Taylor down as another unfortunate statistic. That statistic shouldn’t exist. Is it too much to ask for those under care in our mental health system to be kept alive by the people and facilities they are entrusted to?

New Zealand has the highest youth suicide rate in the developed world. In 2013 there were 2,866 hospitalisations of youth for intentional acts of self-harm. From July 1st 2014 to June 30th 2016, there were 238 suicides of New Zealanders between ages 12 and 24. Every 67 hours a young person commits suicide in New Zealand, and transgender youth are five times more at risk; in a 2012 survey of 8,500 transgender secondary school students, 40% reported depressive symptoms and instances of self-harm, and 1 in 5 trans students had attempted suicide in the past year. As for inpatient deaths, from 2001-2012 there were 30 reported suicides within New Zealand inpatient facilities; in 2014 there were six reported inpatient deaths, and two of people who were on approved leave from these clinics. As of December 2017, 11 of New Zealand’s 20 district health boards do not even require respite centres to record suicide attempts on their premises.

Cole and Damon are still finding it hard to talk about what happened last August, and this is their first time speaking of it outside of their tight-knit group of friends. “The last official interaction [that I had] of any kind was during a police statement I gave last year,” says Damon. “If they have made any effort to ensure this sort of thing doesn’t happen again, that’s really all I can ask. I’m trying to think of things to say about Kit, but all I can really think of at the moment is that I miss them.” I asked Cole what she wants to change in mental health treatment in New Zealand. “I think our government needs to be more aware of the actual situation around mental health at the moment, not even just with an increase in funding for more staff and facilities, but it needs to be more of a focus on education within the community.” When asked what she wishes Te Haika could have done at the time, she tried to start several sentences but cut off each one, and sighed. “I don’t even know. I wish they could have just looked after Kit and taken the situation more seriously.”

Kit Taylor was a fucking star. It feels weird to speak in the past tense, and it feels hollow to write these words for someone who can no longer read them. I wish I could tear out these pages, ball them up, pound them into the earth so you could hear them, even as a whisper, maybe, wherever you are. You are gone, and I am sick like you are sick. I wear your fur coat and feel strong, and safe. Are you safe now? We miss you so much.

His garlic naan, sampled but unfinished, was snatched up by an eagle-eyed diner, and the modern-day Shroud of Turin was taken to TradeMe. Salient staffers, at the time unaffected by a burgeoning rent crisis, lavishly pooled their funds and won the naan for $8.50 (shipping unknown). Since then the naan has remained in the frame it arrived it on display in the Salient office, a little known 69th Wonder of the World.

Sadly, Salient must consider the sale of the naan in the face of a harsh 10 grand budget cut from VUWSA. While a local antiques valuer was not available at the time for comment, it can only be assumed the naan’s value has decreased since the Jolie-Pitt split of 2016.

There is however potential for new value. Since its acquisition in 2010, the naan has remained in near-mint (coriander) condition with not a hint of mould, and is being considered for sale to Victoria’s School of Biological Sciences, to research the anti-fungal properties of Pitt’s saliva.

Failing this, Salient is confident black-market sales can raise enough money from someone who wants the naan for their own sinister personal reasons, and who still clings to the idea that Pitt looks like he did in Thelma and Louise (he doesn’t).

Apparently the Married at First Sight New Zealand pairings are based on “match-making science,” but I think those scientists went to the same online college as whoever organises Are You The One? Claire wants a young hottie; she gets Dom, who is seven years older than her and looks like he is a mascot for biscuits on some local network advertising. Ben wants someone taller than him; he gets Aaron, who is at least an inch shorter. Lacey doesn’t want a bearded man; her new husband Luke has a beard. Bel is a vegetarian and pacifist; her match Haydn is a carnivorous wrestler. I would be lying if I said I didn’t just want to rant about my loathing of Bel from The Bachelor, though I suspect part of my problem lies in my jealousy of her attempts to hustle the New Zealand reality show circuit — a long-time dream of my own. I can only assume she has been explicitly warned not to talk about her cats, something that on the last season of The Bachelor caused Zac’s simple eyes to roll back into his simple head. Presumably after failing to win over Zac because the more he was around her the more boring he realized she was, Bel has decided to forego that whole bonding process and just skip to the wedding before anyone can do backsies. Upon first meeting, Bel and her match are beyond thrilled and can’t keep their hands off each other. Alas, they are both insufferable and are put through the honeymoon from hell where Haydn tries to placate her until he can escape.

On throwing group hens nights and stag dos for the contestants, the producers freaked out upon realising their gay couple could not both attend the stag do to maintain the “marrying a complete stranger” shtick — but who will be the bride?! That’s how it works, right? Ben is sent to a hens night, but that’s okay because he hates all men unless they look like him but taller and want to talk shit in the bathrooms — something he literally does five minutes into the wedding reception to escape poor lovely Aaron. After the ceremony, while Ben’s friend Alex does the dirty work and explains to Aaron that Ben was “just a shy person” Aaron watches Ben flit around the party and do the exact opposite. Aaron keeps trying to kiss Ben while his new husband just sort of retreats into his neck and bears it. Meanwhile, Claire and Dom are banging on every surface possible. Death is near.

I hope every single person attending these weddings was completely off their tits on Mediaworks-funded free booze, because I don’t know how else you could cope with all the regretful crying that the contestants and their families keep attempting to pass off as just being overwhelmed by the special day. According to Married at First Sight New Zealand, marriage is everything I expected and I, for one, welcome the alcohol.