Davidson, who had just played a game of soccer for the VUW Football Club, endured a long walk home to Thorndon in his muddy game clothes while random people in the street yelled at him “Hard day at the office, eh son?”, or some variation thereof, in an attempt to be original and funny.
“I’ll admit, the first two times it was a little funny,” Davidson explained to Salient. “Then it got weird and kind of—YES, HA HA, VERY FUNNY—sorry, it got kind of annoying.”

This is not the first time that a situation has caused observers to all make the same humorous remark. In 2008, Wellingtonian Andrew Bremner walked through the Central Business District with his then-3-year-old daughter Sally with a scratch on his face, while people told him not to “let them win the fights while they’re so young, or [he’s] screwed,” and, just last year, “WALK OF SHAAAAME!!!” comments increased by 27%.

Davidson explained that the attempts of observational humour didn’t usually happen, because that morning he had OH, RIGHT, LIKE [HE HADN’T] HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE slept in and didn’t bring a change of clothes to the game.

“Eventually I just started preempting people… If they looked like they were about to ask about my rough day at the office, I would go, ‘I’VE JUST HAD A ROUGH DAY AT THE OFFICE MATE, YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT!’ That was fun, but it got quite old quite fast.

“I can understand why this thing happens. It’s just everyone sees me in my muddy soccer clothes in town, which is odd, and then tries to say something funny about it. Only that everyone comes up with the same thing. I guess deep down, we’re all essentially the same boring person.”
When queried as to whether or not he had a hard day at the office, Davidson told Salient to go fuck a stick.

I’m not sure I’m ready. Did my bathroom scales lie to me, and is my suitcase actually too heavy? Maybe. Do I have enough money? Maybe. Did I say goodbye to everyone? Not quite. Do I have my passport? …Maybe. Do I have a return ticket? No. Are the Australian Customs officials going to confiscate my Marmite? Most likely. I’m being picked up in an hour.

The last day is the most hectic. I woke up well before my alarm, awake with nerves and probably caffeine (from meeting friends for coffee to say goodbye the night before). Before being picked up at 11 and taken to uni I needed to finish packing, move the last of my stuff out of my room, vacuum and say goodbye to my flatmates. Helpfully, builders decided to arrive at 9.25am to tear the roof off. Clouds threatened to rain through the new hole that used to be the roof. I’m probably leaving just in time.

The day was filled with meeting friends for coffee, buying things last-minute, meeting friends for coffee, exchanging money into other currency, meeting friends for coffee, saying goodbye, and pure caffeine. I did my last stint of work at Salient, and Sarah and Ju went crazy with Peak Salient as usual. Molly joined in too, making three of them. I’m probably leaving just in time.

In two weeks I’ll be in Germany, which is a good place to go to. I’m reminded of The Simpsons Movie, in which the family goes to Alaska. “Welcome to Alaska,” the toll-booth man says. “Here’s a thousand dollars.” For me, going on a certain scholarship to teach English in a secondary school, it is much the same, only euros instead of dollars, so, even better.

Last time I went to Germany

But that’s getting a bit ahead of myself. I’ve got two weeks in Australia first. Warm, sunny Australia. Oh, and the Whitsundays. I’m going there too.

A recent study conducted by a Psychology Masters student has found a strong link between eating glue as a child and running for the VUWASS executive while at university.

The study, conducted by Stephanie Quinn, aimed to find links between individuals’ childhood experiences and their later career goals. The subjects interviewed for the study were asked about activities and experiences they remembered from their childhood, and then about their career aspirations.

“It was a complete fluke that I found the link,” says Quinn. “The question [of eating glue] was a bit of a joke. When I was writing the proposal, there happened to be a bottle of kids’ glue on my desk. You know the ones—the little triangular-shaped bottles that say ‘Do Not Ingest’, and the bright caps you had to cut into to open it.

“I remembered that one of my teachers at school blew her stationery budget on glue because a kid, Josh Cosgrave, was constantly eating it—he also ran for VUWASS, by the way—so I wrote it as a joke example question of what I would be asking in the interviews.”

When Quinn put the call out for participants, VUWASS President Maximillian Harding volunteered himself and the executive to partake.

“I like to encourage the executive to actively partake an interest in the studies of the students of Victoria University,” says Harding. “Doing things together also makes the executive more adhesive as a whole.”

The results, released early last week, found that of the 593 participants, ten recounted having eaten glue as a child. Of the ten, nine are current executive members of VUWASS. The tenth has since resigned from his position.

“I can’t really explain the correlation,” says Quinn. “All I can say, however, is that the kids you saw eating glue at school… they’re the ones who run for VUWASS.”

The 2010 VUWASS stationery budget has $312.50 allocated to glue.

Well cry me a fucking river. When I finally moved into a flat in second year, my sole income was from a StudyLink allowance of $150 per week. Rent was $100. This left $50 for food and power. Putting aside a bit of money each week for the inevitable power bill, this would leave me with roughly $3.50 to spend on food each day. And I had a 9am class on one day of the week.

Problem solved.

If you think you’ve got problems, then this should put things into perspective. Hungry, cold and skinny perspective. It sounds impossible, even to me. But I did this for a good part of the year. I survived, and even did well at uni.

Me at uni.

Think of this as your worst-case scenario. You have to cut back on everything. You will have to make some extreme lifestyle changes. As a student, this will bring you down to three main areas of expenditure, which will be your absolute necessities just to keep you breathing while studying.

Parmesan, Gruyère and Havarti.

1. Food and drink

My diet during this time consisted mainly of two-minute noodles (pre the discovery of Mi Goreng, so this makes my story infinitely more tragic than yours), eggs, bread and cheese. Cheese is expensive, but strangely delicious. It was probably the one good thing I had going in my life, and it’s versatile.

a) What to eat
 i) Buying food
You will need to spend your $3.50 wisely. Buy versatile foods in bulk so they’re cheaper and will last you a while, such as rice, potatoes and pasta. Use these to bulk up your meals, even more than you otherwise might, so that they last longer. Take leftovers to uni the next day. Remember that flavour is a luxury. You will need to budget, find the discounts and specials, spend only what you absolutely need and make sure you don’t waste your food.

 ii) Cooking food
Think about communal cooking: Has your flatmate got a can of tomatoes? With your bread you’ve got the basis for tomatoes on toast. Bonus points for saving power too.

b) What to drink
Water. It’s free.

c) Alternative sources of food
 i) Free stuff
When things are desperate, you should always be on the lookout for free shit, and know where you can get it regularly. Go to VUWSA in Kelburn on a Wednesday or Friday morning and get some free bread, and check out their Food Bank while you’re there. The free bread once kept my entire flat fed for a week.

Ant, Mark and Bella.

Remember that every little bit counts. Don’t be afraid to scrounge off your richer friends, and wear plastic bags instead of shoes for maximum pity.

 ii) Relatives and friends
If you have relatives in town you should try to organise a regular home-cooked dinner or meal with them. You’ll get at least one decent and hopefully nutritious meal out of it each week, and they’ll be happy helping you out when you need it most, and can’t find language.

 iii) Live off the land
Growing your own veges will result in a lot more street cred, nutrition and inflated self-worth than playing Farmville. It also makes you statistically less likely to be murdered in a library.

Other than growing your own food, getting back to your hunter and gatherer roots is another option. Know your natural environment and what foods it may provide.

Nutrition!

If things are so desperate that you have cut back to the bare basics, then you will need to make sure you are getting enough of the right nutrition in your diet. Food plays a more important role in your general mood—and entire life—than you may realise. Without the right nutrition you will be in a bad mood, unable to concentrate, and have low energy levels. With poor nutrition you will also be more susceptible to sickness, which will just plain suck.

Especially as a student, you will need lots of Omega 3. This is a fatty acid commonly found in fish that is needed by the brain to promote neuronal growth. Basically it makes you smarter and more likely to remember things. Eat fish before and during important study periods to make the most out of them, or if you don’t eat fish, think of other ways to please her get Omega 3 tablets on special from a pharmacy.

2. Shelter

Note: An important factor in keeping your shelter costs down is cooperation from your co-dwellers.

a) Keeping your power bill down
My flat was so cold I had to put a jacket on when I went inside. Keeping in the same room as your flatmates helps heaps. If you can all cook, eat, socialise and study in the kitchen, then you can get it warm easily during the cooking and then keep it warm, rather than all going off to use separate heaters.

When things got really cold, we would warm our hands inside the fridge. Instead of a hot-water bottle or electric blanket, take a hot shower before bed. This, along with a sheet, duvet and three blankets, keeps me warm during the night. As a bonus I wake up with awesome hair.

Another tactic I used when things got cold was to just be at university as much as I could, because it was so damned cold at home I would wake up and breathe out, and my breath would freeze and hit me in the face. It’s really warm at uni. Staying there later has a few other benefits—you get in some more study, and the university pays the power bill.

I hear finding a spoon also helps.

b) Keeping other flat costs down
You will need to cut down on luxury items. This will be expensive showering items, the good toilet paper, makeup, etc. Stuff you don’t actually need. If you need things repaired or bought that your landlord isn’t responsible for, do it yourself if you can. I built a letterbox for my flat. It was shit and we also blew it up once, but it was free and better than the brick.

3. Transport

Do you really need to catch the bus? In my opinion, if you’re fit you should be able to walk for at least an hour to get to uni. Your legs are the cheaper and more reliable option anyway. Or, if you can get the funds together, a bike is a good investment. Me? I skate on my skateboard to uni now, instead of using my legs like a sucker.

If you do need costly transport to get to and from home, then consider crashing at a friend’s place close to uni occasionally. Each night will save you two trips. Get someone from one of your classes and turn it into a study session. You can also steal their spoons to warm you later.

Conclusion

Don’t be afraid to ask for any sort of help in these areas. Think about who may be able to help you. Read Zoe Reid’s column in Salient, ‘Yo Mama Shoulda Told You This’—it’s brimming with useful advice, especially on things that will save you money. If you get into financial trouble, ask for help. Talk to your parents and friends. These fellows may also be able to help:

VUWSA
StudyLink
Student Services

Fail that, get a haircut and get a fucking job.

Recently, however, there has been a new breed of spam infiltrating the Salient website. What’s interesting is that it doesn’t seem to be the kind of computer-generated spam that randomly targets with irrelevant links even the most credulous of dethroned Nigerian princes would want to click. No, this is no automated spam. This is manual spam.

As Salient‘s Online Editor, it’s my job to watch people argue on the internet, and make sure no hurtful things are said, and, least importantly, to mark the spam that gets through the filter. I first noticed the spam in question on a book review. The author of the comment, ‘r4 ds card’, sang praises of the book, which, being called The Most Beautiful Man in the World, it probably didn’t deserve. As you do with comments on the website, it had a link, this one taking you to a United Kingdom website. Although I didn’t like the look of the name or website, on the surface the comment seemed relevant. So I left it.

It wasn’t until more recently that I realised what was happening. Two comments in particular, both left on two travel blog posts, had some suspicious similarities: the similar jumble of letters as a name, the comment that was slightly relevant to the topic and highly agreeable—helped out by some pretty pictures—and a link to a German website. Which was weird.

This logically led me to assume that somebody was reading articles on the Salient website, getting the basic gist of an article, then leaving a comment with a link to their website which sells obscure cartridge types for the Nintendo DS. Assuming the spammer must be German, I then left a comment for them in German, telling them how pointless their venture was. Having had my say on the internet, I then rested, knowing that the spammer would see the error in his or her ways.

But the comments continued.

It was then that I took serious notice of the comments, and realised how hilarious they are. The spammer just seems to be making shit up, not even really caring if the comment really makes sense. One of the first comments appeared on a games review for Mass Effect 2:

“This one is the best multi player game of this year.Its very well designed over the previous game.They have added new campaigns,explosive new guns and deadly new me-lee weapons.This game has a lot of content to keep me interested for long time.”

To anyone who is unfamiliar with the game or not a grammar nazi, this comment wouldn’t really make you think twice. However, Lewis assures me that Mass Effect 2 has no multiplayer and no melee weapons.

Sometimes it’s like the spammer isn’t even trying at all, like in this comment left on an Editorial:

“The article posted over here is written in very nice way and it is sharing very nice and interesting information. I enjoyed reading this article and I am sure that other people will also like it.”

Taking a closer look at these comments, I found they gave links to Chinese, French, German, Italian, Dutch, British, and even Kiwi versions of the same website, which says it is based in Jersey in the Channel Islands. I also used some high-tech tools at my disposal to track down the IP addresses, which seem to originate from different computers in Mumbai and Kaul in India.

Now the thing that gets me about all these comments is that if you’re going to advertise your product, basic advertising theory or common sense or whatever will tell you that you need to advertise to your target audience. I know what Salient‘s target audience is: poor students who need crosswords, comics and faces to deface. The website gets some good traffic, as Google tells us, a good portion of it coming from Alaska (hi!). This demographic, in my opinion, doesn’t quite fit completely with that of a website dedicated to selling an obscure something for a small handheld gaming device.

It’s not just why the website has been targeted that confuses me, it’s the method as well. Having some poor fellow write spam is bad enough, but making them read and also write something almost relevant and sickeningly uncontroversially agreeable and incorrect about it on top of that is too much. And how do we get to their product? Through the link you can leave on your name when commenting, which nobody looks at, on a comment that will be removed by me anyway.

So, Spammer. I know you’ll probably skim read this for keywords that you can put into a sentence and say you like, so I’ll tell you here what the deal is:

You can go on spamming this website, and I will continue to find the comments, laugh heartily at them, maybe even show my friends for extra amusement, like the time you said you read Jessy Edwards’ book (she doesn’t have one, by the way), before removing the comment.

or:

You can realise that your struggle is pointless, and maybe go spam another website, like this one or this one or this one. I’m sure their readers all like playing with small things.

What do you say?

If you ask a classical musician/aficionado about German music, they might tell you about greats such as Haydn, Beethoven, Wagner, Bach and Mozart—German music has a very prestigious history. But if you ask the next guy you see wearing jandals and surfer shorts about German music, and—provided he isn’t also carrying a sousaphone—he will probably say: “There’s this band Rammstein*, I think they’re German eh bro?” Yeah they’re German. I’m sensing this is probably about the peak of this review’s intelligence right here, so I’m just going to add that I heard they once did a show wearing nothing but giant diapers, and descended onto the stage from a giant uterus.

Rammstein. This industrial metal band doesn’t really fit in with the list of aforementioned German musicians that non-Germans have heard of. Nevertheless I was quite excited when Jackson handed me their new CD, Liebe Ist Für Alle Da (Love Is There For Everyone). The excitement turned out to be not so great, however, when I quickly realised that I had for some reason mistaken it for Metallica. But it’s still cool, because they’re German, and I speak German, you know?

I’m not so familiar with their older stuff, but I’ve noticed a lot of people know their song ‘Du hast’. “Du,” they usually tell me, “Du hast. Du hast mich…” I then interrupt them with an explanation on how the German verbs to have and to hate both conjugate to the same word in the second person singular, and how the song exploits this.

I’ve never quite managed to finish my explanation.

Truth be told, I started listening to Rammstein when I started learning German. I got Reise, Reise first and Rosenrot sometime later. When I could actually understand German I came back to them and was a bit shocked—and impressed—at some of the lyrics that had been floating in my head without meaning so long ago.

In Reise, Reise there is a song inspired by an infamous cannibalism case in Germany (‘Mein Teil’—’My Part’), and an awesome and quite chilling modernisation of Goethe’s dark romanticism poem Der Erlenkönig (‘Dalai Lama’). Rosenrot has a song about a boy who plays with fire and gets brutally burned (‘Hilf Mir’—’Help Me’), and another song about a mob eagerly encouraging a man to kill himself by jumping off a high bridge (‘Spring’—’Jump’). Their songs aren’t without substance, something I actually admire about them.

Rammstein branches out linguistically every now and then, offering songs in English, Russian and Spanish, and often mixing it with German. Because of complicated metaphor I’m about to use, now is a good time to mention that the word on the street is that Rammstein isn’t as popular in Germany as they probably are outside of it.

So I think on this new album, the song ‘Pussy’ is quite representative of Rammstein as a whole. It has the shock value, language mixing, and perhaps also represents their relative unpopularity in Germany:

You’ve got a Pussy I have a Dick ah
So what’s the problem let’s do it quick
So take me now before it’s too late
Life’s too short so I can’t wait
So take me now oh don’t you see
I can’t get laid in Germany
Too short too tall doesn’t matter one size fits all
Zu groß zu klein der Schlagbaum sollte oben sein (Too big too small, the toll bar should be on top)
Schönes Fräulein Lust auf mehr (Pretty lady hungry for more)
Blitzkrieg mit dem Fleischgewehr (Blitzkrieg with the meat gun)

It’s not all sex and death though. Well, it is mostly, but I’ve always found a few gems in each album. ‘Dalai Lama’ still sends shivers down my spine, and ‘Benzin’ makes me want to burn things. From a few listens, opener ‘Rammlied’ (‘Ramm-song’) and the album’s namesake ‘Liebe Ist Für Alle Da’ (‘Love Is There For Everyone’) stand out quite a bit, but I think special mention should go to the closer ‘Roter Sand’ (‘Red Sand’), a brilliantly sung ballad about a dying man, shot by a rival for his lover:

Eine Liebe ein Versprechen (One love, one promise)
Sagt ich komm zurück zu dir (Said I’d come back to you)
Nun ich muss es leider brechen (Now I must sadly break it)
Seine Kugel steckt in mir (His bullet is stuck in me)

Eine Liebe zwei Pistolen (One love, two pistols)
Eine zielt mir ins Gesicht (One aimed at my face)
Er sagt ich hätte dich gestohlen (He says I stole you)
Dass du mich liebst weiß er nicht (He doesn’t know that you love me)

Roter Sand und zwei Patronen (Red sand and two rounds)
Eine stirbt im Pulverkuss (One dies in gunpowder’s kiss)
Die zweite soll ihr Ziel nicht schonen (The second shall not spare its target)
Steckt jetzt tief in meiner Brust (Now stuck deep in my breast)

Ultimately, if you don’t speak German, then you probably won’t get as much out of this album, but I’m all for the broadening of cultural horizons. For a rock band they sound really good though, and have definitely maintained a distinctive sound across their albums. So if you don’t mind that the only song you’ll understand much of is a song about pussy, or you’re a budding fan, then I’d recommend you give this album a listen.

Now I’ll leave you with some food for thought from their song ‘Haifisch’ (‘Shark’).

Und der Haifisch der hat Tränen (And the shark, it has tears)
Und die laufen vom Gesicht (And they flow from its face)
Doch der Haifisch lebt im Wasser (But the shark lives in water)
So die Tränen sieht man nicht (So you don’t see the tears)

In der Tiefe ist es einsam (In the deep it’s lonely)
Und so manche Zähre fließt (And so some tears flow)
Und so kommt es dass das Wasser (And so it is that the water)
In den Meeren salzig ist (In the seas is salty)

*He’ll probably pronounce it ram-steen.

So readership. I have failed. I have tried to teach you about the grammerz, but it didn’t work. I was too… fuck, what’s the word? Drunk. No. I am now, but tooooo… anyway. Ambitious! That’s the one. You can’t have good grammerz. It doesn’t work like that. NOBODY CAN HAVE GOOD GRAMMAR. NOT PERFECT GRAMMAR ANYWAY. JUST REALLy good grammar, but not perfect. That’s what I’ve learned.

But you, readership—you shouldn’t start a sentence with ‘but’, you should use ‘however’—do you want to know a secret? The secret to good grammar? Here it is: Just use Microsoft Word. That’s right. Put it all in Microsoft Word, all of it, and put the grammar check on. Use its suggestions. Seriously. That’s the best grammar you’re going to get. That little paperclip dude, that Microsoft Word paperclip dude, he’s the master of grammar. He’s your best friend when it comes to grammar. Listen to him. Cos he’s the master. And he’s a FUCKING PAPERCLIP! He is wise beyond his twelve years.

What else should you know? Hmmmmmmmm… you neeed… you want….. to have….. fuck, just someone, someone who can understand grammar for you and check it and stuff. Someone who understands the intricacies of language, the ebbs and flows, its structure. Someone who knows about subject–verb agreement, apostrophes, verb forms, commas, semicolons, spelling, obscure words, hyphens, transitive, intransitive, reflexive, adjectives, adverbs, nouns, verbs, American English spelling, British/New Zealand English spelling, double spacing, consistency, etc, etc.

It’s really not that hard.

But fuck, readership, seriously, you don’t neeed good grammar. Just understanding. You just want people to understand you, don’t you? You just need a friend. Someone who knows what you’re about. Knows that you didn’t mean to, didn’t know not to put that apostrophe there. Someone who maybe even ignores it. But that person, readership, who does see it and tries to correct it, that person is a Grammar Nazi. That person is me.

That’s right. I’ve tried. To teach everyone about grammar, that was my purpose. I don’t think it worked. People still don’t know shit about it, don’t care. I’ve failed, failed miserably. An entire year’s worth of writing half-arsed columns on grammar, and I’ve failed, it’s all gone to nothing. What a wasted year. Yeah, that’s right, write for Salient. Pffft.

I’ve just received feedback from the people who judged the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Awards this year, in which I somehow placed third in best column. Not that I care, but a certain judge said:

“These essays about grammar and the English language were charmless[...]”

Take that, self-esteem! Stupid judge. I know who you are. When you come to my awesome publishing company in ten years’ time, wanting me to publish your book or whatever it is these publishing people do, then the tables will be turned—I’m going to call your writing “charmless”. I’m also going to correct your grammar, just to rub it in. Kick you while you’re down. Rub salt into the wound. Add insult to injury.

I also got a special mention under the comments for Salient (italicised not because it’s our style, but in a sarcastic sort of way) winning best publication:

“Some articles make no sense, especially ones that have long quotes from teh internets (or whatever) in lieu of actual writing. I wouldn’t bother reading them. The guide to Internet grammar (or at least, in two of the issues submitted) is a good example of this. It’s a bit like a radio show that ironically specialises in playing really terrible music. Few people would enjoy it, even if the commentary were hilarious, because they would have to endure sifting through so much shit to get tiny flecks of gold.”

He/she could have just said “teh grammerz was shit”, but instead went for not one, but two long-winded comparisons to said shitness. I wrote everything, I never used quotes from “teh internets”. Way to try to be cool. And the comparison to the VBC was just below the belt. At least this person used the subjunctive correctly, intentional or not.

So, readership, I’m a failure. Just one big fail. “…endure sifting through so much shit to get tiny flecks of gold.” That’s going in my CV.

After an unsuccessful attempt to get a failed assignment re-marked, James protested in the nude in front of his lecture theatre and was subsequently removed from campus and arrested.

Salient was contacted by James shortly after his release. He said he was dismayed about his low grade, saying it had a negative effect on his other work, and he was unable to focus properly.

“It’s not like I didn’t hand in the assignment—which is what people are usually failed for—I did everything the assignment required. And they don’t like my choice of using a low exposure, calling it ‘indecent’. [...] I thought, I’ll give them indecent exposure.”

Digital Photographics lecturer Dr Francis Livingston stood by his decision. “From my perspective, if a student doesn’t complete an assignment to a satisfactory standard, then they won’t receive a high grade,” he said.

“Letting these people through doesn’t paint a pretty picture of our school, especially in the current economic climate—we need to stay sharp. We need to develop better photographers.”

James’ classmates expressed sympathy towards him, but condemned his reaction, calling it “a bit extreme.”

“He should have known better,” said a classmate who asked to remain anonymous. “I saw his assignment in its final stages, and yeah, it was obviously pretty shit. Then—I just didn’t see it coming—he just zooms in to the lecture theatre and just flashes everybody.”

Another one of James’ classmates, Quyen Song, simply remarked “I so horrified.”

However, James was optimistic about his future in photography. “It’s all a bit unfortunate and depressing, but still—life goes on.”

James’ failed Digital Photographics assignment can be seen at rayjamesnudepicsxxx.info.

It’s not easy being a Grammar Nazi. The world is a very hostile place. A wise man called Richard Duppa once said (you’ve probably never even heard of him—I haven’t either): “In language, the ignorant have prescribed laws to the learned.” This is especially true when it comes to grammar. You might have been taught grammar in school—most likely not—but that’s a lot different from actually understanding it. And we’re still given free licence to go out and fuck around with it. It’s like giving a two-year-old a pack of crayons and expecting him or her to create the Monet Christmas.

And from our perspective—that of the Grammar Nazi, the art critic—we have to put up with the shit from a two-year-old’s foray with a pack of crayons instead of getting to see the Monet Christmas. It’s very stressful. Just about any instance of writing will have something wrong with it somewhere. We’re even inclined to correct people’s speech.

Waiter delivers meal. “Enjoy!” he says.

“’Enjoy’ is a transitive verb, dick.”

So, since this is the last week of writing my column before I just get drunk and write whateverthefuck, I’ve decided to list a few things that have helped me alleviate the pain of being a Grammar Nazi. Tools that I use every day in my pursuit of good grammar. Tools that you can use to help you too.

Red Pen

This is the most basic tool a Grammar Nazi needs; it completes him. It is the dictaphone to the journalist, the Swiss army knife to the Swiss armyman, the box of matches to the aspiring pyromaniac, Bert to Ernie. Red pens are used to correct bad grammar wherever you may find it—from the newspaper to other people’s homework, from bathroom walls to computer screens. With a red pen handy at all times, the uncontrollable urge to correct bad grammar is easily satisfied.

Dictionary

Dictionaries are extremely useful, whether online or in printed form—both have their advantages. Online dictionaries are useful for their speed, but printed ones (especially larger ones) are advantageous because they can be used to hit people. I mainly use dictionaries to check the spellingness of some words, and whether some words are actually words and not just made up ones.

Grammar Book of some description

Much like the dictionary, but for checking grammar and shaming those who don’t understand basic things like subject–verb agreement (stuff.co.nz *cough cough*). Also good for hitting people once you’ve worn out your dictionary.

Grammar Stickers for Grammar Sticklers

Among all of the amazing stuff you can get on the internet, somewhere you should be able to find stickers that just have punctuation on them—apostrophes, full stops, commas and such. These allow you to quickly correct larger mistakes on the go, and without resorting to more permanent corrections if you’re a bit of a wuss. I really need to get some of these.

YouTube Comment Snob

As we all know, YouTube comments are the breeding grounds for the rank disgusting sickly diseased corrupting decomposing decaying gross violation of language. It’s basically where bad grammar comes from. The YouTube Comment Snob is a Firefox Add-On that filters out these terrible comments based on some customisable parameters, such as number of spelling mistakes, incorrect/excessive capitalisation and puctuation, and profanity. So basically it will prevent you from seeing just about any comments on YouTube, making watching ‘I’m on a Boat’ a safer and more enjoyable experience.

With these tools your life should be just a little bit more grammatically correct. It is a well-known fact that bad grammar is the leading cause of language-related illnesses and deaths, so these things could even save your life. Or they could be used to kill you, if you don’t learn how to use the subjunctive correctly, or like your exclamation points a little too much. Beware, the Grammar Nazi is ever watchful, alert to every mistake.

Time for a drink.

Why have a style guide?

For consistency. Consistency is very important. Imagine reading a magazine that used a different font, font size and layout for each page—it would be very difficult and annoying. Of course, those things are for the editor and designer to take care of, but it comes right down to the writing as well. How punctuation is used, spelling, when to use double quotes or single quotes, italics, capitalisation… These things all come together to give the magazine a sense of style. Think of it as brand recognition.

General

All writing should be done in New Zealand English and follow the rules of the English language. Do not use text abbreviations or l337 speek, as people find it annoying and hard to read. Use proper capitalisation and punctuation, and don’t be lazy.
If you want to use it or make mistakes intentionally (playing around with language and such), then it needs to serve a purpose in the writing (such as for comedic effect) and I need to be aware of it—so you need to make a note of it or it needs to be obvious, otherwise I might think it’s a mistake and fix it. I don’t mind people playing around with language. Also, I won’t understand your obscure pop culture references.

When referring to Salient, use italics. This also applies to other student rags, newspapers, magazines, etc.

Email/web addresses in italics.

    Write to us at letters@salient.org.nz, or leave a comment on our site at salient.org.nz.

When quoting someone or something, use double quotes. Single quotes are for song titles, quotes within quotes or so-called ‘words’. If you’re placing emphasis on something, you can use italics.

Numbers zero to ten are written, 11 and up are numerals. When referring to issue numbers, measurements or mathematical stuff, use numerals.

Numbers going up to 9999 to be written without a comma to separate the thousands, 10,000 onwards to have the comma(s).

Use em dashes for asides—like this—rather than hyphens – like this. Em dashes are slightly longer than normal dashes, and we’ll be using them without spaces on either end. On PCs you should be able to get em dashes using alt+0151, and on Macs with apple+shift+hyphen.
You don’t necessarily have to use em dashes, as they will be replaced during the sub-editing process as necessary.

If referring to an acronym in your piece, you need to introduce it by writing it out in full, followed by the acronym in brackets. After this you can just use the acronym. For example:

    The National Institute for Weather and Atmospheric Research (NIWA) announced that… Researchers from
    NIWA have been working on…

If the acronym is a familiar one, then it shouldn’t have to be explained, such as USA, UK, the UN, VUWSA.

Titles such as Mrs, Mr, and Dr will not be written with a full stop.

Capitalisation

Words that should be capitalised are organisations, people or place names, days of the week, months. The personal pronoun I.

Words that are tricky are words such as mum and dad. If you are referring to them in name and not relationship, then capitalise:

    “But my mum wouldn’t do that.”
    “But Mum wouldn’t do that.”
    “But Carol wouldn’t do that.”

A similar thing applies to titles. If using the full title, capitalise, otherwise don’t. For example:

    “VUWSA President Max Hardy has been arrested following… After his release, the president fled to… Victoria
    University stated that… the second VUWSA president to be trespassed from the university…”

Words that shouldn’t be capitalised are the (Kelburn) quad, and just about anything else not covered by this list.

Punctuation

Exclamation and question marks—will be used only when necessary. You might be able to get away with using two exclamation or question marks, or one of each, but no more.

Quotes—punctuation must be included inside the quotes if it is part of the original quote. If you are quoting just words or snippets, then punctuation goes outside of the quotes:

    John described his friend as “annoying” and “a bit of a dick”.
    “Seriously, how do I get rid of him?” he said.

Brackets—are used for adding bits of information that aren’t entirely necessary to the sentence. It should be possible to edit out brackets and anything in them and still have grammatically correct sentences. Therefore punctuation that is part of the sentence should go outside of the brackets. Only punctuate inside the brackets if it is required—i.e., if you are using more than one sentence or need an exclamation or question mark.

Colons—used to introduce extra information, and to start off a list or example:

    “Things I need from the gardening store: hatchet, rubber hosing, plastic rubbish bags, flashlight, manual
    landscaping implement, calcium oxide.”
    “That’s what I’m going to do: internment.”

Semicolons—can be used between closely related clauses, in place of some conjunctions, and to separate items in lists, usually when commas would be unclear:

    “I come here for the peace; I like digging in the woods at night.”
    “You can’t arrest me; I haven’t done anything wrong.” (The semicolon implies the word because.)
    “The hatchet is for cutting things into small pieces; the rubber hosing is to drain fluids; the rubbish bags are
    for putting rubbish in, for safe disposal; the flashlight is to see in the dark; the shovel is for digging graves;
    and the calcium oxide is for hiding the stench of a decaying body in an open grave.” (Using semicolons in such
    an extended list is necessary, as commas don’t separate the items clearly enough.)

Ellipses—there are three periods in an ellipsis. If you are ending a piece with an ellipsis, then use four periods (extra one for the full stop). In quotes, an ellipsis is used for pauses in speech, or with square brackets when editing text out:

    Original: “I’m going, um… outside to the bushes in the park to stalk.”
    Edited: “I’m going, um… outside [...] to stalk.”

Line breaks—it is important to spread out your writing each paragraph or so. This ensures that it doesn’t look like a wall of text, which is just daunting to read.

*If the plural is formed without an s, then the apostrophe goes before the s.

Hyphens

Hyphens are used to connect or separate words, either for style purposes or to clarify meaning. Most commonly (apart from in emoticons) they are used in what is called a compound modifier, where it is used to connect descriptive words together when one modifies the other and not the noun, making the meaning clear. Take some sort of awesome vegetable that eats people, for example. You’d describe it like this:

“A man-eating celery is causing havoc in the library.”

Note the placement of the hyphen between man and eating. This is because here the word man describes the word eating (and not celery), and only together they describe the noun celery. If we remove the hyphen, the meaning of the sentence changes drastically:

    “A man eating celery is causing havoc in the library.”

Without the hyphen, it now says that a man who is eating celery is causing havoc in the library.

Basically you need to decide if the words belong together, and use a hyphen if they do:

    “Dr Dre-dissin’ gangsta fools and their zombie-like moaning.”

Just like in the previous example, the hyphen is placed in between Dr Dre and dissin’, as Dr Dre describes what the fools are dissin’. Note that gangsta is hyphen-free, because it is being used as an adjective that isn’t being modified by anything else—i.e., the fools are gangstas as well as Dr Dre-dissin’. If we removed the first hyphen, it would mean that Dr Dre is dissin’ the gangsta fools. Also note the hyphen between zombie and like, as like is being added as a suffix to modify zombie into an adjective.

However, if the adjective is preceded by an adverb, no hyphen is necessary, as adverbs can’t modify nouns—they describe the how, when, where and why, modifying verbs and adjectives—so it is clear that it modifies the adjective and not the noun. Adverbs commonly end in -ly.

Words you should know about

a lot—is two words.

amongst—Among and amongst are completely interchangeable, but we’ll only be using among, mainly for consistency’s sake.

complement—To go well with something.

compliment—To praise something.

Courtenay Place—Note the spelling. Not Courtney Place.

definitely—spell ‘definite’, then just add ‘-ly’.

e.g.—For example. i.e.—That is. e.g. shows one or a few examples out of many, whereas i.e. refers to something specific. Also note the placement of full stops.

fewer—I can say I have fewer dollars, but not less dollars. I can say I have less money, but not fewer money. This is because dollars can be counted (in a grammatical sense) but money cannot—you can say 12 dollars but not 12 money. The same thing goes for many dollars and much money.

it’s—can either mean it is or it has. If you can’t replace it with one of these, then you should probably use its.

its—a possessive pronoun. If you can change ‘it’ to a man or a woman, then you should also be able to replace the its to one of the other possessive pronouns, his or her:

    What’s that over there?
    It’s a cadaver. The zombie lost its brains.
    It’s a cadaver. The zombie lost her brains.

let’s—Short for let us. Different to “George lets the dog go.”

no one—Two words, no hyphen.

okay—not ok or OK.

per cent—is two words. Percentage is one.

practice/practise—practice is a noun and practise is a verb. Advice is a noun and advise is a verb—these two words have the same endings but they sound different when spoken. Compare this with practice and practise to get the right one.

there—where something is. Ask where?

their—belongs to them. Ask whose?

they’re—they are. Ask who are?

whilst—Same thing as among/amongst. We’ll be using while.

whom—This form is slowly being phased out of the English language, so you can get by with just who. If you want to sound smart and use whom then just make sure you get it right (I’ll be double checking anyway). Who is used for the subject of a sentence, and whom is used for the object. This basically means that who does the verb, and whom is what the verb is acted upon. See the Sentence structure section below for a better explanation.

who’s—means who is or who has, similar to it’s.

whose—belonging to someone.

your—belonging to you.

you’re—you are.

Sentence structure

A basic sentence structure goes subject – verb – object.

Subject—The subject of a sentence is the thing doing the verb.
Verb—What the subject is doing. Together, the subject and verb can act upon an object.
Object—What the subject and verb are acting upon in a sentence.

In the sentence “Juliette gets all the boys”, the subject is Juliette (the one doing the verb), the verb is gets (the action the subject Juliette is doing), and the object is all the boys (what the subject and verb act upon—what Juliette gets). This may not seem important at first, but a few words change depending on their function.

The conjugation of the verb depends on the subject:

Pronouns (I/you/he/she/it/we/they) are used to replace nouns and names. They are different when acting as the object of a sentence:

The who/whom example acts in the same way:

    Who gets all the boys? (She gets all the boys)
    Juliette gets whom?/Whom does Juliette get? (Juliette gets them)
    Who gets whom? (She gets them)

Reviews in general

Name of artwork, exhibition, TV programme, book, movie, theatre production, etc, should be in italics. Company names, episodes, chapters, scenes, etc, are not.
If a movie, book or play is named after a character, for example, Don Carlos in Don Carlos, then you should not italicise the name when you are referring to the character.

Music reviews

Band names in normal text (Muse).
Album names in italics (Showbiz).
Song names in single quotes (‘Sunburn’).

    My favourite track from The Prodigy is ‘Smack My Bitch Up’, from The Fat of the Land.

Annoying things people do

Double spacing—this is when somebody puts two spaces where there should only be one (after full stops or in between words), and there should always only be one. According to Wikipedia the practice of putting two spaces after a full stop comes from the olden days of monospaced typesetting (having characters of equal width), where the “increased spacing between sentences facilitates readability”. With the introduction of proportional fonts in publishing, this has changed.
In my opinion, the gaps you see between these words are all of equal space, and if you happen to put two spaces somewhere then it creates uneven-looking text.

R.I.P—If you are using an acronym with full stops, then you must also place a full stop after the last letter, even if it is in the middle of a sentence.

—Textual expressions are usually saved for less formal means of communication, such as text messages and some emails.

could of/should of/would of—could, should and would are auxiliary verbs (or ‘helping’ verbs), which require a verb for them to work properly. Of is a preposition and not a verb, so the proper written form is could have, should have and would have, or at least shortened to could’ve, should’ve and would’ve. People get this confused because the ‘ve sounds like of when spoken.

try and do something—This is usually incorrect. If you try and do something, it doesn’t make sense most of the time. “I’m gonna try and use grammar properly.” Using the conjunction and instead of to separates the sentence into two bits: “I’m gonna try” and “(I’m gonna) use grammar properly”. However, try is a transitive verb, and it requires either a verb in the infinitive (indicating purpose—what you’re trying to do) or an object.
“Come and do something” is probably the cause for this common error. You can come and you can do something. You can also come to do something.

Get lost looser!—Lose is a verb. Loose is an adjective. You can have a tooth loose, but once you lose it, it’s gone.

Beowulf lead the men into battle—lead can be a verb or a metal. The past tense form of the verb is led, and is pronounced the same as the metal. You could either say “Beowulf leads the men into battle” (present tense) or “Beowulf led the men into battle” (past tense). Confused? The present tense form of the verb to read changes pronunciation in the past tense just like to lead, but the spelling remains the same. I read about it.

She’s going to insure that doesn’t happen—Insurance is related to the verb to insure. The verb to ensure means to secure or to guarantee.

    You should ensure that you insure your car on time.

women joggers, three males—Male and female are preferably used as adjectives, and men and women are used as nouns. Three women who are also joggers can be described as female joggers, but not women joggers.

Before you submit your piece

There are a few things you should do before submitting a final copy.
1. Use a spell check to make sure there are no spelling mistakes.
2. Read the piece again. Look for:
    a) Any revisions you might need or want to make.
    b) Factual errors.
    c) More spelling mistakes. If you’ve accidentally used or spelled the wrong word, the spell check won’t find it.
    d) Grammatical mistakes. Follow the style guide, and make sure everything makes sense.
3. Make sure the file is in a format we can use, and any pictures are separate files.

If you have any questions about grammar or need anything explained, email me at mikey@salient.org.nz.