Hiyoooooooooo

The Cleveland Motel has finally fronted up with the cash it was ordered to pay VUWSA, but only after VUWSA President Max Hardy sicced the heavies on them.

Rotorua’s Cleveland Motel charged VUWSA $6724 for what they said were necessary repairs for damage caused by drunk Vic students staying there during Uni Games 2008.

The students made national headlines for their drunken revelries, and subsequent eviction by the motel’s owners.

Following a decision in the Disputes Tribunal in late February 2009, the Cleveland Motel was ordered to refund VUWSA a sum of $4114 from the $6724 it charged the association for cleaning and the non-utilisation of the final night’s accommodation.

The Cleveland Motel argued it was entitled to charge VUWSA for the damage and cleanup work left in the wake of the drunken carnage. The motel’s owners did not feel obligated to refund the association for the last night’s accommodation.

VUWSA stated there was inadequate proof to substantiate some of the costs charged for cleaning and damage.

Despite being ordered to pay the money back to VUWSA, the Cleveland Motel owners stubbornly refused to do so.

In late 2009, then-VUWSA Vice-President (Administration) Hardy asked the District Court to enforce the Disputes Tribunal decision.

Over a year after the Disputes Tribunal decision, VUWSA finally received the cash.

When contacted by Salient last year, Cleveland Motel management were less than consolatory about the decision, or indeed students in general.

“You fucking students are the scum of the earth,” the man said.

“You fucks, you scum of the earth. Look what you little pricks did down in fucking Dunedin! Scum of the earth, go save the world! Go save the fucking whales!”

When questioned about what the money would be used for, Hardy joked “Maybe we can go help those whales now.”

Michael Oliver, the News Editor of Salient, quantifiably the best student magazine in New Zealand, had been promising his mother he would somehow dupe his superiors into letting her cat Johnny be in the publication.

After discovering the final issue for 2009 was to be called Failient, Oliver took his chance, writing an entire news story—this one, for all you geniuses out there—about getting Johnny into Salient.

Oliver said the decision to let Johnny in wasn’t exactly tough.

“[Editor] Jackson Wood is like an owl chasing a ping-pong ball that’s been heated in the microwave for 20 seconds. Distract him, and you’re given carte blanche to do whatever the hell you want,” he explained.

“I love Johnny, and believe his presence in this seldom-read section of the magazine is pawsome.”

Others have disagreed with Oliver’s choice. VUWSARR President Tasman Dismantle found the cute ‘lil so-n-so taking up valuable space in her [sic] publication offensive.

“VUWSARR finds cats inappropriate,” Dismantle explained.

“VUWSARR finds just about everything inappropriate.

“Remember when VUWSARR didn’t lay a leaf on ANZAC Day? Inappropriate. Remember when Mole Osgove set himself on fire during that SRC three people turned up to? Inappropriate. Remember when I woke up this morning? Inappropriate.”

In a surprising twist, one of Dismantle’s most ardent critics has come out in support of her. Workers’ Party mailboy and full-time living joke Alistair Heath called the decision to let Johnny take up space a disastrous move.

“You think there’s gonna be time for cats when the revolution comes, hmm? You think? THINK. AGAIN. FRIEND.” Heath said.

“We’ll all be too busy parading in the street, punching the air and shouting ‘VIVA LA REVOLUTION’ to be worrying about domestic pet care.”

Some, however, have come out in support of Johnny’s appearance, including the cat himself.

“OH HO HO, I’M JOHNNY, AND I’M SO FREE,” said Johnny through a translator.

“PEOPLE MIGHT NOT LIKE MY FACE, BUT I AM CUTE, AND I AM WILD. THEY CALL ME…KAIMANAWA.”

It is a little-known fact that Johnny frequently disappears from home days at a time to spend time living underneath the Ashhurst Primary School Hall, or the Ashhurst Bowling Club.

It is for this reason, and this reason only, people know him by the moniker…Kaimanawa.

He arrives at the New Zealand Herald every morning by swinging through a window dressed in a mask and chevalier, a cutlass between his teeth, and a pistol spraying bullets left, right and centre. Every morning.

At first it was kind of annoying, but now, nobody even notices. “Oh, there’s Zorro Rattue with his cutlass—oh, bother, that bullet pierced my monitor. Oh deary me. Who will stop this madman?” fellow Herald writers would yawn.

At his desk, he starts his computer with a flourish of his hands, and screams, “ALAKAZAM!” as Windows ME appears on screen. He then cracks his knuckles, cocks his neck side to side and spins a conveniently-placed raffle wheel he stole from a pub in Kihikihi in 1993. It twirls, but nobody looks up—they saw this yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that—and smirks as it lands on two words: “Graham Henry.”

He produces two darts from his pocket and twirls around in his chair. Covering his eyes with a hand, Rattue launches the darts mid-spin and waits for the satisfying “CA-DUNK CA-DUNK” sounds he’s all too familiar with. He peeks through his fingers and giggles. Dart #1 is lodged between a cubicle near the Herald on Sunday desks, while Dart #2 has found a home in the Lifestyle section. Rattue rubs his hands together and “muhahahas”.

“Graham Henry,” he types, “needs to herald a new lifestyle this Sunday… when the All Blacks GO BELLY UP AND LOSE AS ONLY THEY KNOW HOW…”
And so, like a new-born calf, a new Chris Rattue column oozes its way into the world.

One is at a loss to explain why Chris Rattue hates everything so much. The Herald is a perfectly adequate publication with a feisty sports section choc-o-block with pretty graphics and stuff with things.

He lives in Auckland, home to the Sky Tower and that other building that’s not the Sky Tower. He shares a press box at Eden Park with that guy from the Dom Post and that dude who used to read sports on 92.2 2XS FM in Palmerston North. His shorthand could be used to convey words—things are “pretty good”, perhaps even “not too bad” in Rattue country.

And yet, he’s angry. Chris Rattue is so angry he doesn’t even know what he’s angry about. He masks his frustration with carefully timed cackles and gesticulations, but deep down inside—right before the bile ducts—his sweaty, hearty, fan-the-flames and kill-the-messenger bitter bombastic bombs are overwhelming.

No one’s known his righteous indignation quite like All Black coach Graham Henry. Following the All Blacks Rugby World Cup exit in 2007, Rattue wrote that he’d never support an All Black side coached by the former Grammar headmaster again.

Other gentle thoughts include, “The blood that should have been spilled after the appalling World Cup campaign of 2007 needs to flow right now,” and “…the All Blacks could play in sackcloths and they’d still stomp all over France,” prior to the aforementioned World Cup.

It’s because of Chris Rattue that I would find an All Blacks loss in ’11 absolutely, and without reservation, delusion, or pretensions, the funniest fucking thing ever.

It would be several different shades of amazing to read “BARHGAH NEW ZEALAND RUGBY IS DEAD TO ME ARRAGHAH I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG BAHFHAHF THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN DOVES CRY GARRGGGAH!” from the pen of Sire Rattue in October 2011.

“But MJO,” you croon, you sway, you swagger, “Don’t you want to see Richie McGod raise aloft yonder William Webb upon noble Eden Park?” Why, yes, friend. I do. I imagine the thought of winning a Rugby World Cup to be likened to watching the final episode of Lost. After that, sport will be dead to me.

But should they fail, like so many Blighty Boys could have during the Battle of Britain, a new dark age of Rattuesque ranting will be ushered in. His words will ring bloody and strong in the ears of all and sundry. It would be like so many Christmas hams crammed into one 1000 word strong diatribe of pure fucking mayhem.

I just want to see him explode. There’s really nothing more to it. I just want to see Chris Rattue explode.

For the love of god, choke. All Blacks. For the love of comedy, choke. Make my dreams come Rattrue.

Much has been written and spoken about Kayne West’s infamous interruption of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the MTV Video Awards. Many people have criticised West, lambasted him, nailed him to a cross, threw rocks, made him feel small.

But you know what? I think he’s hilarious.

Kayne West is the heel this generation has been waiting for. He’s an arrogant, smarmy, self-important, selfish, dickish, dastardly, rude, and otherwise amazing human being.

My only problem with Kayne’s incredibly awesome dickmove is that he spent it on someone like Beyonce. Beyonce. He could have avenged virtually anyone’s reputation, and he chose the woman who wanted you to like it and put a ring on it.

You know what, Beyonce? That sounds a little too much like having your cake and eating it too. And you know what else? I don’t like you seeing my halo either. You need to stop this. You need to stop hurting America.

As for Kayne, poor, misunderstood, hilarious Kayne—he needs to save his righteous indignation for people that matter. Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the UN Security Council a couple of weeks back to a chamber at 50% capacity. You can’t even taper off the upper decks of the chamber to make it look full—50% empty is 50% empty.

But if delegates knew a douchebag extraordinaire was going to interrupt Ahmadinejad and say “Kim Jong Ill has tha greatest nuclear programme of all time!” people would turn up. People would tune in. People would listen.

Kayne, I love you and your dickishness, but you need to tie it up and only use it when it matters. Beyonce is an independent woman—she can take care of herself.
Yeah, that’s right, Beyonce, I said it. Throw your hands up at me, pal.

I’m right here.

The fact is this: your students’ association is having the worst image crisis since What’s-Her-Name had surgery on her thing with the face and the other thing. Yeah, I read blogs, what of it?

After all, deep within the bowels of the ugliest building on campus sits this sparsely decorated sinkhole of depression and misery—a lair dank with the putridity of self-hatred and despair, the offices where good people go to die as rudderless hulls sinking to the bottom of an ocean cold and dark; festering meatsacks pulled down by the inequities of their own expectations and tortured by the dreams of what could’ve been if they had only looked away; humourless husks of their former selves, fettered chunks of awfulness so ghastly, so vacant, so utterly fucking lost, they have no recourse but to throw their arms to the cross and scream, “Kill me! Kill me now!”

And even if they were all crucified like the most popular man in history, you STILL wouldn’t vote for them.

In recent weeks, this organisation once simply known as “VUWSA” has definitely defined itself by re-defining the definite article. Press releases released from the chambers of Mistress Freemantle now come brandishing the definite article “the” before “VUWSA”. “The VUWSA believes…” “The VUWSA understands…” “The VUWSA assures…” The. The. The. The. The…

It’s scrumdiddilyumptious. The Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association is “The VUWSA”. It is absolutely correct. For sure, many will point to the lack of “of” in “VUWSA”, but frankly “The VUOWSA” sounds like something guys like Steve would attach to their Mazda 323s to impress girls like Stace.

You don’t ever want to be like Steve.

As for the definite article and why it’s there after having been the hell away from VUWSA, it’s simple.

First of all, let’s establish a couple of things: the world loves Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He was a treat to watch in The Scorpion King, and he did that thing with the gun in that movie about the… the thing in that… gun… with the stuff. He is Hollywood’s answer to a question nobody asked, but is eternally grateful to have a response for anyway. Secondly, he’s named for chunks of endless granite left teetering in chunks at an industrial quarry. That’s nothing short of amazing.

Mark Maguire, the VUWSA’s Association Manager, is no fool’s bagel. He may have a hole right in the middle where his experience will be, but his sides are jampacked with packed jam and a sweet ‘lil creamy filling. A smart man orders a jam bagel, and that’s what Maguire is: a jam bagel of a man.

This jam bagel has wined and dined his fair share of sweet flicks too, for where else would “The VUWSA” come from if not “The Rock”? One can only assume that when asked “What professional-wrestler-cum-B-grade-Hollywood-nobody” would you invite to dinner, he’d refused to let Hulkamania run wild.

But things go deeper than that. Mark Maguire knows you better than you know yourself. He knows what makes the average Joe and Jenny College tick—and it ain’t no Krishna van meal neither. By using “the” whenever they can, the VUWSA is drawing upon The Rock’s limitless popularity. It’s a masterstroke—a real elbow to the people who’ve hit, dare I say it, rock bottom.

So when you’re ignoring your students association, just remember the. Without the, where would The Rock be? Where would the Association Manager Mark Maguire be? Where would the world be? Where would the tutorial class you’d normally attend every week be? The answer to all these questions is down at the VUWSA office. Tell them The Rock sent you—they’re practically family down there. The resemblance is uncanny.

Neil Edgeimon, who went by the moniker “goku_karori_28,” was arrested in his Karori flat after police were tipped off by a post on the semi-popular Vegetafighter/Forum.

Edgeimon stands accused of orchestrating a series of crimes against just about every single computer on the internet.

“We’re looking to press charges, but we’re in consultation with both Interpol and the CIA,” said Detective Senior Sergeant Grant Williams.

“This is an unprecedented case, and we want to make sure we do everything correctly.”

Computers from Manhattan to Berlin were compromised last week by an elaborate, but altogether amateurish, bombardment of emails.

It was reported the emails contained the words “heh” and “smirk” shaped in the likeness of a middle finger.

Edgeimon, who was a regular poster on the anime-themed discussion forum, Vegetafighter/forum, had discussed at length the relative ease in which he could hack “everything.”

“Smirk, gamakuns everywhere won’t know the full fury of my sweet 1337 treats, heh,” Edgeimon allegedly wrote as goku_karori_28.

“All I need is a 56 kb/s connection, a Family Guy bogglehead and some ’Dew, and the whole world will be shown for the chibi gamu_kun otaku sons they really are.

Heh, look out, world. Here comes the G_K_28 man, smirk.”

Discussion upon the forum has been rife since Edgeimon’s arrest, with many insisting up0n the student’s innocence.

“i thought hiz username was chibi_trunks_kelburn, or was he petrone_powa_82?” asked Otaki_Otaku_43.

“He’s def not goku_karori_28.”

“THIS IS PART OF THE ZIONIST IMPERIAL POWER SHIFT!” claimed Workers_Party_iz_Sweet.

Despite this, Williams was “positive” they had the right man.

“I can’t comment further other than to say we are very pleased with the arrest, and that the investigation is ongoing.

We will be questioning associates of Mr. Edgeimon in the coming days,” Detective Williams said.

“The suggestion that we’ve been duped by a 20-something computer nerd is, quite frankly, ridiculous.”

Heh… guess you’ll never know, gamu_kan, how much of a chibi you really are.

See you on the other side of the thin blue line. Smirk.

Former High Court Judge Miles Wimbleton will head an investigation into accusations Victoria has no idea what it’s doing.

Concerns have been raised in recent times that the Wellington university has frittered away millions of dollars in government funding on pointless studies.

In 2009, Victoria commissioned studies on a variety of topics, from whether people had forgotten about Dre, whether pro wrestlers could smell what The Rock was cooking, to whether Jack Johnson was singing about good times.

The commission is also concerned with the opening of the School of Intense Dickery and Infinite Smugness next year, and the downgrading of Media Studies to a ‘Polytech-esque’ major.

TEC Director of Education Funding Marc Winters said concerns began to arise early on.

“We became concerned in March 2008 that things were starting to go a bit awry at Vic,” Winters said.

“Take a look at this request for financial assistance, signed by Paddy Wolsh. Yes, your eyes doth not deceive­­—that is a luridly rendered picture of the male reproductive organ drawn in the space that says ‘Name’.”

Victoria’s Vice-Chancellor Paddy Wolsh, against the advice of a number of legal professionals, told Salient the investigation would find a treasure trove of embarrassing things.

Judge Wimbleton refused to define the scope of his inquiry, but admitted it had a long-term perspective in mind.

“It would be inappropriate for me to say anything at this time, but I have a feeling I’m gonna be here all fucking night for the next 50 years sorting this place out,” the former judge said

“I’ve seen opening arguments from Otago Law graduates more fluent than this. I swear to god, Otago.”

VUWSARR President Tasman Dismantle was unavailable for comment, but Vice-President of Communications Shameless O’Brady was glib in his assessment.

“Basically, in an abridged kind of way, what this amounts to is a complete and utter disregard for the tenets and socio-economical dispatches of the realist comprehension surrounding tertiary education, which is, indeed, a paradigm of the Orwellian idea of syncopated discombobulating discourse, which is, naturally, at the forefront of the English Language in terms of where things lie in the greater scheme, life and death, as it were, of Victoria’s position at the forefront of all kinds of ups and downs, downs and ups, ebbs—and perhaps even flows—of the modern idea of postmodern ideas,” he said.

“I’m sorry I can’t say more.”

I have been lied to by BK Drinkwater before. In 2003, the man who lived E34 at Weir House told me that Radiohead’s ‘We Suck Young Blood’ had “killed” his clown. He later recanted saying he never had a clown and that Thom Yorke’s piercing vocals always found acquiescence with his “sexy” psyche.

That lie I could forgive, but the former has taken a while to digest—nine months long. I was led to believe writing news was something to be proud of, that in a magazine choc-full of razzamatazz, zing, zang, and zop, people would appreciate a few solitary pages of serious reporting. Alas, this young heart of mine beat a thousand times a lie, and the blood pumped aplenty this year.

I have witnessed a number of up-and-coming writers suit up a dictaphone and notepad and become journalistic superstars. Our own Jessy Edwards, who was but a bored wee thing covering Exec meetings, slung her way to winning a national award for her newsiness. Some of you may be contemplating joining the news crew under the wise eye of Ms Rarah Sobson. Be warned, friend: no good will ever come of it.

How Salient’s News Gets Made: A Primer

Every Monday morning bang on 11:00am, a group of rag-tag news volunteers descend upon the Salient office hoping their beloved News Editor has something worthwhile to impart. He never has, and doesn’t feel the least bit guilty for it. But they sit, and stare, and anticipate anyway. So he sits, thinks, and forty-five minutes later, he’s sent them away carrying knapsacks of newsness over their shoulders large enough to last a week.

Then he thinks to himself: “Imma kill those volunteers one day.”

Tuesday rolls around, and down into the bowels of the VUWSA office I go, joined by an equally enthusiastic Jackson James Wood to meet Still-President Jasmine Freemantle. We sit awkwardly for 20 minutes thinking of something intelligent to ask. Given that nobody in the room really wants to be there, we dream up open-ended questions that allow the president to talk non-stop for 19 minutes 40 seconds. It’s an unspoken relationship that has worked well for the last year.

On Wednesday, stories begin to flow in. They’re usually awful and require most of the day to repair.

On Thursday, I write. My fingers ache and bleed but by 10:43pm the week’s dribble is usually done. Then the phone rings at 10:45pm, and some VUWSA jabroni has set a primary school on fire or something, and so the week’s top story is thrown out the window.

On Friday, I lament. Saturday, I rest. Sunday, I anticipate. Monday, I weep, and find myself explaining to my volunteers why daddy cries.

Why Salient Has a News Section:

Having studied the media in me-dia stud-ies, I’ve come to learn why western civilisation needs the news. News has an untenable role to play in ensuring the plebs don’t get smooshed by the elites. We need the likes of The Dominion Post, Campbell Live and Barry Soper to keep people like Don Franks and Mark Blumksy honest.
At Victoria, we have a government of sorts. They’re more like a club—a “No Homers” club of student politician and ratbag surfboard-riding radicals.

The VUWSA has a reputation for being a shifty group. They’re responsible for approximately $2 million of Victoria students’ money, and have a chequered spending history, the details of which can be found in the news section of Salient!

With Roger Douglas’ Voluntary Student Membership bill sitting on the horizon, it is more important than ever to make sure a largely indifferent student journalist keeps their Eye on the Exec.

There’s also the itty bitty fact that there’s 25,000 or so students knocking about—the size of a small town, really. Stuff happens; people do things—it’s a fact. It’s nice to hear about the goody gumdrops moments, but there’s a bountiful bevy of bad stuff too.

“But Michael,” you say. “If nobody reads news, then why have news?”

Oh, Little Johnny Puddleface, hush now. We need news because it gives those 1500 people who vote in VUWSA Elections something to bend their egos over on Salient’s website. The likes of “Hank Scorpio” and “smackdown” need an arena to air their articulate and well-rounded thoughts. Without the news, where would these people be? What would they be doing? How would they fill their days—with something worthwhile?! Nay, upon thine honour, scourge, withdraw your argument.

Why You Haven’t Read the News This Year, and Probably Shouldn’t Start

You’re feisty—I like that. You’re a rabid sassy snap, crackle and pop power ranger of a reader. You like your stories quick and witty. You like your letters long and pretty, your photos high res and your comics Bugger All’d.

All these features can be found at the back of Salient. The news, in all its brazen glory, occupies eight pages at the front of Salient. You have no incentive to read the news. Salient isn’t a cover-to-cover read. It’s a, “Well, fuck, I’ve come to uni an hour early—KIA ORA, DAYLIGHT SAVINGS, KIA ORA—so I bet—oh, look, Salient. Hey, I wonder what that idiot courier driver is doing this week…” sort of thing.

But don’t start now on account of me. You’re really not missing out on much. Take this year, for example:
—Joel Cosgrove owes you all $1200, and won’t pay it back.
—An irate motel owner called Vic students the “scum of the earth” and invited us to “go save the fucking whales.”
—The VUWSA opted not to lay a wreath on ANZAC Day.
—Your fees went up, your service levy doubled.
—Joel Cosgrove set a New Zealand flag on fire.
—The VUWSA botched a by-election, costing you sweet, sweet $$$
—Salient came up with a hilarious pun starring a convicted double-murderer, and warmed the heart of the nation with its plea for contrition.

I’m absolutely certain nothing of worth will happen over the holidays, so rest quite assured, your ignorance is—and has been—appreciated.

Where to from here?

No doubt whoever’s drunk enough to want to edit Salient’s News Section in 2010 will have their hands full. Should the VSM bill come into law, should Max Hardy slip in his drool, should the university up fees by 20%, should Joel Cosgrove, you know, breathe, there will be stories to tell, things to learn, and happenings to be aware of.

But, of course, you’ll be too busying facepalming over Vegeta_Newtown_32’s disappointing thoughts on Windows ME to give three fifths of a you-know-what.

As for me, well, I’ve learned a lot. After a year of all the VUWSA/Victoria/Students/NZUSA/Anne Tolley malarkey a lad can handle, I never want to sit in this chair and adhere to the fucking inverted pyramid ever again.

BK Drinkwater owes me something for this. My sense of anticipation may never repair.

Former VUSWAAR Camping Officer Sam Oldman resigned his post in a fit of blossom-cheeked rage last month, saying the association had lost its radical mojo.

The claim launched a number of spontaneous Google Image searches for the word “radical” from VUSWARR General Store Manager Shark McFireher.

Speaking to Salient for the first time in recorded memory, McFireher announced the findings of his Google search.

“Ahh, ‘tis was a sight t’behold!” McFireher said.

“There under the shade of Gougal sat a pretty wee pot of gold of a JPEG. ‘Twas of a surfer from Cali-for-ni-a surfin’ some ‘radical’ waves, to be sure.”

From there in, appropriate arrangements were made. The VUWSAAR Exec unanimously approved the quote for a deluxe surfboard, imported from St. Luke’s Mall in Auckland.

VUWSAAR President Tasman Dismantle hoped the new ride would be enough to bring the passionate young socialist guitar solo of a REVOLUTIONIST back into the VUWSAAR fold.

“We need people like Sam Oldman,” Dismantle said.

“VUWSAAR hopes he’ll find it in his heart—his radical, fiery heart—to put down the A3 Xerox protest banner, and soothe his soul by riding some BODACIOUS COWABUNGA KICKASS GNARY WAVES, DUDE.

“SURF’S THE FUCK UP, MAN!”

Oldman, however, was coy about reversing his resignation and climbing back on board.

Speaking to the Vee Bee Sea, Oldman had difficulty conveying his side of the story.

“Hello…hello, Ryan? Are you there? All I hear is crackling… there’s a lot of crackling on the line here—sorry, what was that? We’re not on air yet? Oh, we are on air? I thought you were meant to be playing an ad. You did play an ad? Why didn’t you tell me? Oh, so I’m on air now, Ryan? Wait, I’m not? You’re playing some Shocking Pinks EP right now? Just how… how long will that take? About 45 minutes? Ryan? Ryan? Are you there? Ryan? Ryan? Ryan?” Oldman said.

Radical guitar-soloing shit-eating-grin-wearing SOCIALIST DINOSAUR OF A CRAPITALIST NIGHTMARE Alistair Heath told the Vee Bee Sea that he hoped Oldman wouldn’t go back on his word.

“When the moon shadows the earth, and the revolution—that glorious revolution led by Ron Shanks and us somewhat-educated unshaven Marxist Monsters—arrives, Sam Oldman can have all the surfboard machines he wants… riding the wave…to freedom,” Heath said.

“Did you… did you get that, Ryan? Hello? Hello, Ryan? I’m getting a shitload of static here. Hello? Do you guys wanna call me back on another line? Hello? All I can hear now is an Interpol song. Have you stopped talking to me? Oh now I can’t even hear that… are you even still on the air?” he asked.

Reaction was mixed from Victoria’s student body to the new surfboard machine.

“So, lemme get this straight. They went out and bought a surfboard machine because the guy on $100,000 a year couldn’t ascertain what Oldman meant by the term ‘radical’? Fuck, I don’t care if it sounds like a venereal disease, gimme VSM!” said one student.

“Oh yeah, nah, I like surfing. I surf all day and all night sometimes. Surf’s up with some sweet Jack Johnson? Radical, man, radical,” said another.

ACT The Fool on Campus Vice-President, Chairman, Treasurer, Gunslinger, Blogger, Photocopier, and Social Club President, Milkshakes McCaffeine, said the purchase was just another knife in the back for universal student membership.

“I can’t wait until they burn the Student Union Building down, to be frank,” McCaffeine said.

“Though I can’t say here or there what should happen to its charred remains. I mean, the market could very well want those charred remains to stay there as a kind of reminder to all those who doubt VSM—you don’t have the choice to doubt us, motherfucker.”

McCaffeine was unable to offer much of a response to Oldman and Heath’s coments on the radio.

“I’m literally standing outside the office and I can’t pick the signal up, so how am I supposed to know what’s being said?” he lamented.

The surfboard machine is available for use between 9am and 5pm Monday through Friday to anyone with a spare 20 cent coin.

We like to think 2009 has been a great year, but has it been the best year? And if you were to make an all-star Salient team from the 00s, who’d be on it?

Let’s say you had to choose:

- An editor
- A news editor
- A designer
- Two feature writers
- Two unpaid news writers
- A music writer, a film writer, and a theatre writer
- Three columnists
- Two cartoonists

Who’d you choose? Would Appleton edge out Wood? Would Nippert kick Holm in the shins? Would Brunswick kick the Darkoom down the street?

And for comedy’s sake, what wacky VUWSA President would you have this crack team reporting on?

Former VUWSA Vice-President (Administration) Max Hardy has comfortably won election to the office of VUWSA President for 2010.

Hardy beat opponent Alan Young by 807 votes to 205. Guy Williams, who was unable to remove his name from the ballot after withdrawing his candidacy, netted 372 votes.

Fewer than 1,500 students participated in this year’s election, approximately 6% of the student population, and down on last year’s equally low 10% turn out.

Despite the low numbers, Hardy expressed happiness with the result and an eagerness to move VUWSA forward in 2010.

“I’m very happy with the result. I’m looking forward to building an association that students can be proud to be members of,” he said.

“The inital analysis suggests that the secret to my success was staring into their yellow eyes without blinking once.

“I congratulate everyone who was elected, I have huge confidence that we can achieve good things together in 2010.”

Victoria University Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh congratulated Hardy on his election and expressed an eagerness to work with him on a number of key issues.

“We hope that he will continue to work in partnership with the university and build on the good relationships which have been fostered this year.

“There are some important roles for the incoming student president, including working with the university on the new student services levy, communicating to students and representing students on the University Council,” Professor Walsh said.

Still-VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle said that while the results were predictable, and the low voter turnout was disappointing, she wished the 2010 Exec and Almost-VUWSA President Hardy the best of luck.

“VUWSA management undertook significant promotion encouraging students to vote in the election, including a reminder email sent to all students, a poster campaign, and coverage in Salient and on The VBC 88.3FM.

“A number of factors may have contributed to the low voter turnout, including the small number of students that were nominated, and the absence of firm plat-forms and a strong presidential race which have featured in past elections,” she said.

Failed Presidential hopeful, and perennial candidate extraordinaire Alan Young was successful in his bid to join the halls of VUWSA, winning election to the position of Activities Officer.

Commenting on the Salient website, Young said he was excited with the prospect of being a member of the ’10 Exec.

“The people have voted and obviously Max is the man for the job, so I shall pull full support behind him and hope him well,” Young wrote.

Other elections of note include Sam Oldham to the position of Vice-President (Education), Seamus Brady to Vice-President (Education) and Publications Committee, Caitlin Dunham to the position of Women’s Rights Officer, and Conrad Reyners to the position of University Council Representative.

VUWSA Elections results 2010

President Max Hardy
Vice-President (Education) Sam Oldham
Vice-President (Welfare) Seamus Brady
Vice-President (Administration) No Nominations Received
Women’s Rights Officer Caitlin Dunham
International Students Officer Alice Pan
Queer Officer No Nominations Received
Environmental Officer Zachary Dorner
Campaigns Officer Bridie Hood
Activities Officer Alan Young
Clubs Officer Fraser Pearce
Education Officer James Sleep
Welfare Officer Craig Carey
University Council Representative Conrad Reyners
Publications Committee Rep Seamus Brady

The 15-page document details New Zealand’s current tertiary education situation, and highlights the government’s commitment to seeing more students enter tertiary education.
However, questions have been raised over an apparent need to find alternative sources of revenue.

“[The] government is committed to maintaining reasonable fees for students, but will explore ways of giving providers some additional flexibility to raise revenue,” the report said.

The report drew criticism from the NZUSA, who were concerned the government’s desire for flexibility would lead to further fee increases.

“Students faced massive fee increases in the 1990s when there was similar ‘flexibility’ on the issue of fees, as outlined in this new Tertiary Education Strategy.

“These significant increases, some up to 30 percent in one year, greatly increased the level of student debt that students and graduates now collectively owe,” said Sophia Blair, Co-President of the NZUSA.

VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle noted that the release of the draft strategy coincided with Minister of Tertiary Education Anne Tolley cancelling her scheduled address to Victoria students.

“We are disappointed that students will no longer have the opportunity to question Anne Tolley about her Strategy and any intentions to alter the current fee maxima policy.  

“The strategy is particularly concerning given the University Council’s recent decision to increase student tuition fees and hike the student services levy by 94%,” she said.

Regardless of the negative response, the Minister emphasised what she called the government’s commitment to the tertiary education sector.

“We need the tertiary system to deliver for our young people, to improve education outcomes and achievement and to build a skilled and innovative workforce.

“The draft strategy sets out the direction the Government wants tertiary education to take in the next five years. With a growth in demand we need to ensure the best return on the public’s investment,” Tolley said.

Mrs Tolley also called for submissions to be made on the draft strategy.

The current funding agreements that tertiary organisations have with the Tertiary Education Commission (TEC) expire at the end of next year. The new strategy will guide the TEC’s decisions about what tertiary education programmes are to fund between 2011 and 2014.

The Head of the Law Commission and former Prime Minister made the comments during an address to Victoria’s Law Students’ Society (LSS) last Tuesday.

Sir Geoffrey, the LSS’ first patron, said that while most law graduates finished their degrees wielding an impressive set of analytical skills, they were not as ready as their predecessors for legal practice.

“I doubt that many who come out of the professional course today will be competent to defend people in the district court the moment they finish.

“I sometimes feel that the professional legal education that we had equipped us better than what is available to you now as professional legal education. The way the professional education is handled now does have an air of unreality about it,” Sir Geoffrey said.

Admitting he favoured law being taught as a three-year postgraduate degree, Sir Geoffrey said improvements needed to be made in easing students into their careers after graduation.

“There needs to be a system of supervision of young lawyers that insures that they are not unleashed on the public without safeguards.

“The time I spent in a law office firstly as a law clerk and then as a young barrister and solicitor was invaluable to my legal career. A few years in a law office is a wonderful piece of practical education,” he said.

The former Prime Minister also warned law students against following a particular legal path because of its supposed financial benefits.

“I think a lot of students make bad choices because they want lucrative careers. Whatever you do in the law, you have to have passion and enthusiasm for it, and then you will succeed.

“Students are in the unenviable position of knowing little about the effects of the choices they will make on their subsequent careers, and what choices they do make will almost bound to be wrong […] You’ve got to use your education as a sound background for all the things you cannot predict.”

Inviting those in attendance to ask him questions on “anything you like,” the former Prime Minister said he was unsure whether compulsory membership of student associations was a violation of the tenets of freedom of association.

“I don’t think that’s an absolute easy question to answer; it depends on the circumstances as to whether it’s a violation of the right of freedom of association. I don’t know what the attitude of the students is on this. I would think it’s quite possibly split!”

Sir Geoffrey was a Professor of Law at Victoria University. Since then he has served as the New Zealand Commissioner on the International Whaling Commission since 2002 and President of the Law Commission since 2005.

Salient feature writer Sarah Robson has been appointed editor of Salient for 2010.

The 21-year-old Political Science honours student and two-time ASPA award winner will take the reigns from current editor Jackson James Wood in February next year.

“I’m very excited. 2009 is going to be a tough act to follow,” said Robson while cutting out pictures from the latest issue of NW magazine.

“There will be less MC Chris, less Lonely Island and more Blondie.”

Current editor Jackson James Wood was happy with Robson’s appointment.

“I’m ecstatic. It means continuity with leadership at Salient, and I’m sure 2010 will be another fantastic year.”

Salient staff were also excited to hear of Robson’s ascent to editor.

“Who is this ‘Sarah’ character?” asked Chief Sub-Editor Michael Langdon.

“I’m pretty sure she’s got an honours essay due, so she should prob get on that,” said News Editor Michael Oliver.

“Ahh, I think you’ll find it’s fewer MC Chris,” said Designer Rory Harnden.

Robson, who has often lamented the sausage-festy atmosphere that’s permeated around the Salient office in ’09, says ’10 is going to be a more open year.

“As someone who was fired by Jackson on a daily basis for the past nine months, I think I’ve done well for myself.

“Oh shit, I’ve just realised I’m the editor of Salient next year. Shitfuck,” Robson said.

Current editor Wood reminded Robson that while he was still in charge, he didn’t want to hear her problems. Robson promptly fired Wood and left the office on the back of her theme music, Blondie’s ‘Call Me’.

Kia ora, Rarah Sobson, kia ora.

Hollywood actor Hugh Jackman, star of Wolverine and that other movie involving mutant superheroes (Australia) stopped a performance of a Broadway play to ask an audience member to turn his phone off.

“You want to get that?” Jackman said in character, after the ringing interrupted a tense moment in a preview performance of “A Steady Rain” last week.

“Grab your phone, it doesn’t matter,” said Jackman as the ringing continued.

“Come on, just turn it off … we can wait. Just get the phone. Don’t be embarrassed. Just grab it,” he added.

Jackman, being the showman he clearly is, performed a triple-decker summersault before singing both the tenor and soprano parts of Turandot.

Critics accused him of phoning the performance in…heh…heh…sigh.

Holy shit, Michelle Obama’s gonna be on Sesame Street!

To celebrate 40 years of teaching children how to count and appreciate the importance of not eating cookies in bed, Sesame Street welcomed United States First Lady Michelle Obama.

Producers said on Tuesday that Obama will teach the fuzzy folk down on Sesame Street about the pros of growing a veggie garden and healthy living, and will show children how to plant tomato, cucumber and lettuce seeds.

“All these seeds need to grow are sun, soil and water. If you eat these healthy foods, you’re going to grow up to be big and strong, like me,” Obama says.

“I know you’re going to like these vegetables, because in addition to being healthy, they really taste great!”

Republicans hilariously quipped the only vegetable an Obama knew anything about was the President’s healthcare plan.

Democrats returned fire saying prior to the Obama’s arrival, the only vegetables found on White House grounds were in the Oval Office from 2000 to 2008.

Holy shit, drunken Aussie school kids are acting like drunken Aussie school kids!

Australian school leavers are being warned to take care and perhaps act with the decorum of a human being who existed anywhere outside 50,000 BC during this year’s “Schoolies” celebration.

Students on the Gold Coast are being warned they may be banned from high rise balconies after a number of drunken incidents spoilt proceedings last year.

“Schoolies” is a week long celebration of the end of school year indulged in by Year 12 students. It involves drunken ridiculousness masquerading as a coming of age celebration.

Alf from Home & Away hates it, but as he’s the greatest screen character depicted by man, he can get away with it.

Holy shit, Swedish soldiers blow up the wrong house!

A group of elite Swedish soldiers proved why Sweden’s army hasn’t done much of anything since the Vikings rocked on up and took over some thousand years ago by blowing up the wrong house during a routine exercise.

The incident took place during what was supposed to be a routine training operation, for a group of soldiers from Sweden’s Life Regiment Hussars (K3), an elite cavalry division involved in intelligence and paratrooper training.

On its website, the Life Regiment Hussars characterise themselves as “light, highly mobile units with substantial strike power.”

The mission, performed in conjunction with the Swedish home guard (Hemvärnet), called for the soldiers to capture a house.

However, the elite unit somehow managed to hit the wrong target, and instead bombarded a house located about 200 metres from their intended target.

“I think we’ve already cleaned up after ourselves. And we have, of course, contacted the owner. There’s no hard feeling between us,” K3’s public relations officer said.

Kia ora, Swedish competence, kia ora.

Online enrolments for classes at Victoria University next year have opened.

New and returning students alike can enjoy the fanfare that is picking classes and agonising over lecture clashes.

Enrolments in limited entry/preferential entry classes close on 10 December, with applications for first trimester classes closing on 10 February.

Applications made after 10 February will incur a $120 late fee.

Never mind essays—have yourself a whale of a time choosing how to bore yourselves senseless next year over at www.victoria.ac.nz/enrol

Tolley’s not coming to Vic, Weir House resident to have cool roommate instead.

A special Student Representative Council meeting that was to feature Minister of Tertiary Education Anne Tolley has been cancelled after the minister pulled out.

VUWSA had organised the meeting for this Tuesday, and it was to include an address from the Minister and an opportunity for the audience to ask the Minister questions.

No reason has been given for the sudden cancellation, but Salient suspects it has everything to do with soon-to-be Editor Sarah Robson’s endless quest for an interview.

“Tolley,” Robson cried. “Why you gotta break my heart?”

Uni games head south in ’10. Scum of the eerrrth students to head to scum of the eerrrrth city.

The 2010 University Games will be held in Invercargill for the first time ever, University Sport New Zealand has announced.

The decision to award the rights to the furtherest possible location from anywhere bar the Chatham Islands was made after what’s been described as a rigorous selection process.

University Sport New Zealand said that after analysing three bids, Southland was declared the best option “financially, strategically and in the delivery of a quality sports event.”

Concerns have been raised about the relative distance many universities will be asked to travel to reach the games, but University Sport insists the issue will be dealt appropriately.

“The Southland Consortium has been working closely with local organisations to alleviate some of these concerns and have put in place some fantastic strategies to ensure their geographical location is not a barrier to participation for the 2010 Games,” a statement said.

“The Southland Consortium” would also, incidentally, be the worst metal band of all time.

Ju bug news (you’ll be seeing more of her)

Victoria University fourth year design student Juliette Wanty has won a national craft and design award for a table crafted out of HMR, a high density MDF.

Ju was one of two Runner Up Merit Award Winners in the 2009 New Zealand Student Craft/Design Awards for her entry ‘Table/Cloth’, which featured an inventive version of a classically designed hall table.  

The table was made using a three axis cnc router controlled by a computer file Wanty herself programmed.

“I designed the table with a sculptured surface, so that it looked as though a discarded table cloth was fused as part of the table,” Ju said.

Juliette won $500, and along with the Supreme Award Winner and her fellow runner-up, will have her entry displayed at Lower Hutt’s New Dowse Gallery from 21 October, which is no short order.

Salient News Editor unable to discern difference between “Free” and “Fair.” Will quit job after next week.

Due to what can only be described as a doofus moment, last week’s News in Brief article incorrectly said VUWSA had passed a motion supporting free trade, when it was actually fair trade.

A total of five embarrassing “free/fair” mistakes were recorded.

Salient News Editor Michael Oliver would like to have blamed the mistakes on chronic alcoholism, but given the fact he can’t drink, he has no recourse but to blame glorious incompetence.

That’s free…err… fair.

The debate, hosted by Victoria’s Debating Society, played host to the voices of ACT Party MP David Garrett, ACT on Campus’ Peter “IT’S A SLUSHIE!” McCaffrey and student debater Stephen Whittington for the affirmative.

The negative comprised President of the New Zealand Council of Trade Unions Helen Kelly, Vic Labour member Nicola Wood, and student debater Seb Templeton.

Newly-elected VUWSA President Max Hardy was to speak for the negative, but withdrew, suggesting his appearance could be construed as campaigning.

ACT’s David Garret opened proceedings by saying ACT weren’t against students associations, rather the compulsory nature of them.

“How can you claim to represent someone who was forced to join your association?” Garrett asked.

“Voluntary membership of student associations will give students the opportunity to decide for themselves whether they wish to join a student association.”

ACT on Campus’ Peter McCaffrey noted that by campaigning against the bill, VUWSA was misrepresenting those with a fondness for VSM. Citing the New Zealand Bill of Rights, McCaffrey insisted that students had been denied a right to association through compulsion.

“[The Bill of Rights] doesn’t say you have the right to freedom of association if the majority of other students say you have that right, it says you have that right. It doesn’t say you have the right to opt out, it says you have it.

“It’s not about what the majority wants, it’s about what individuals want for themselves,” McCaffrey said.

Student debater Stephen Whittington questioned the loss of freedom and the politically-charged nature of students’ associations.

“This is a debate how students should contribute to society. Why should those students who support the A-Team have their funds forcibly removed from them and then to support the political campaigns undertaken by student associations?”

Whittington also discussed the difficulty students faced in opting out of an association.

“You can opt out for reasons prescribed by law, which says you must justify it on philosophical or religious grounds. I know of no religion that says Joel Cosgrove is an idiot, and I know no philosophy that says that. When you prescribe the reasons you can opt out of something, you don’t give people choice.”

For the negative, Trade Unions President Helen Kelly made note of the political dabbling shaping the pro-VSM argument.

“ACT want to remove the opposition to its tertiary policies.

“ACT don’t care about campus communities, the role of students’ associations play in giving students a voice. ACT knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing,” she said.

Vic Labour member Nicola Wood refuted the claim that students’ associations chequered past was the fault of the system itself.

“A bad association doesn’t create a bad person, and a bad person in an association is not a reason to change it.

“We think it is dangerous to judge policy on its intent and not its outcomes,” Wood said.

Student debater Seb Templeton took umbrage with the assertion students’ associations led to members losing control over the shape and form of the association.

“People have democratic control over it—they get to mitigate the loss of their freedom of association. They have direct control over the sort of association they buy into,” he said.

Predictably enough, the audience was split on a winner. This house, as it extends to VSM, remains but a house.

I begin this feature with an irrevocable need to empty my soul. I feel indebted to the 24 years of history laying in my wake; so much so that only sincere contrition will bring acquiescence with the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and the thing called love. For you see, dear reader, you have been cheated, scoundreled, mished and mashed by an ungrateful world that, yes, does indeed owe you a favour.

Since the year 2000, this languid world we call “Earth” has made fewer than ten trips around the sun. Earth apologists, self-professed scientists, equate this to a four-billion year old tradition of lazy sauntering they call “an orbit”.

TV3 News has led us to believe that a lot can happen in 30 seconds. This is utter capitulation, and an unforgivable approach. Why 3’s faux-journos and gypsy defenders seem committed to this lie, I cannot conceive, but nothing happens in 30 seconds. Nothing has happened in the past nine years. This past decade has seen nothing, brought nothing, and offered several different shades of nothing.

There’s no option but to drag this bastard decade’s carcass out into the street and whip it until candy-coloured years explode out of it like so many acid-trip hangovers. Get comfy—there is, ironically, a lot to explain.

2000:

New Zealand was the first country on this godforsaken lazy ball of misery to see in the new decade. This went largely unnoticed due to it also double-booking the beginning of the 21st Century and the so-called new millennium—an unforgivable lack of judgement which we can never be forgiven for.

Ivy League Graduate George W. Bush, by gum, finally realised his dream to move from a mansion in Texas to one in Washington by winning the 2000 Presidential Election. His opponent, weather enthusiast Al Gore lost by a measly 2000 votes in Florida—a state subsequently destroyed by climate change-induced hurricanes in subsequent years. Giggled Gore, “On your knees, Thor, for I ride the chariot of wind this night!” This pacifist then went on to win both an Oscar and a Nobel Prize.

The All Blacks beat the Wallabies 39–34 in what many called the Greatest Rugby Match of All Time. The seldom-mentioned Wugga Wugga Under 13 vs. the Eurobodalla Under 13B’s 7–5 victory went, shamefully, unnoticed by an ungrateful media.

2001:

Everything changed on September 11. Terrorists plunged two DC Boeings into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Centre, one into the Pentagon, and one in rural Pennsylvania, killing 3000 people. It was described by all and sundry as the day the world stood still, which for those of us interested in getting this lazy planet to quicken things along, did no favours at all.

A world away from the dusty apocalypse and war-hungry euphoria gripping Uncle Sam’s farm, Linkin Park’s magnum opus Hybrid Theory found itself sitting at the top of the charts for 42 weeks. “Oh, so it’s like we 9/11’d ourselves,” musical scholars would later say.

A sad year for New Zealand footy, as Australia’s Brumbies became the first non-New Zealand team to win the Super 12. This was followed by Australia retaining the Bledisloe Cup. This was, without doubt, the darkest moment in New Zealand rugby history.

2002:

The New Zealand Labour Party is re-elected in a landslide victory. Nothing bad ever happens to the Labour Party again.

Actor Kevin Smith falls to his death while filming in China. No, not that one, the other one. No, not… he never had a beard, and. Nevermind.

The trial of former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic began at the United Nations war crimes tribunal in The Hague. Tickets sold out in 180 seconds, and included trailers for the War in Iraq and George W Bush’s re-election. “It’s no Nuremberg, but alas, what is?” cried Roger Ebert.

New Zealand’s lil rugby league club that could, The New Zealand Warriors had quantifiably their best season, when they won the NRL Minor Premiership. Of course, they only won because real premiers the Sydney Bulldogs were hilariously dumped to the bottom…

… I’m sorry? No, you’re not listening to me. Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith. The actor—the New Zealand actor. He had a little beard…but he wasn’t… no, he wasn’t the quiet one. He made sporadic appearances in programmes like Xena and…yes, yes, it was hilarious when that woman had intercourse with a corpse in Clerks.

2003:

2003 will be forever remembered for Georgie Dubya Bush’s Spring Break road trip to Iraq. Like all good college road trips, this one coalesced into an adventure of monumentally wacky proportions. The Baghdad sun burned so hot, and the sweet times lasted so long; the 100 Airborne Division whistled in the guys from L Company to chug-a-lug some bodacious M1 Abrams Tanks and show ‘dem eye-rack-ees the name of a good time.

We called it Shock and Awe; they called it a journey…of discovery.

Back home, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Kinghad its world premier in Wellington. Finally, after years of suffering the slings and arrows of the world’s unfettered mockery, a movie about a hairy midget, a ring, and the guy from Hildago would finally bring New Zealand the respect it so richly deserved.

Comedian Donna Awatere Huata found herself expelled from the ACT Party caucus, and consequently thrown out of parliament by the newly discovered Supreme Court. A little known factoid of Kiwi constitutional law says you can invent legal avenues to dismiss anyone from anywhere at anytime. Constitutional law scholars would later call this the John Mitchell Trope.

Despite slicing all and sundry leading up to it, the All Blacks somehow got beat at the 2003 Rugby World Cup. The government took the noble step of unleashing mercury into the nation’s water supply in a bid to wipe the memory for all eternity.

2004:

Despite being quantifiably the greatest President ever to assume office, George W Bush’s position as leader of the free world was brought under threat by a long-headed waffly intellectual who got “injured” in a “war” in “Vietnam,” and felt that only the presidency of the United States could soothe his soul. The American people rallied behind this Rocky Balboa of the political scene, and sent John “Ivan Drago” Kerry back to the woolshed to contemplate things like “peace” and “prosperity.” A day of Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA’ rang out across America’s airwaves in response.

Facebook was founded in Harvard University. Yes, founded, like the guiding principles of the Treaty of Waitangi, or a library book club.

2004 saw smoking banned in bars and clubs. Guys like Steve and Mike were forced to stand outside with girls like Sharon and Jen to smoke things like rollies and make friends with poorly-paid bouncers.

Then they took the roof off, and wala, loopholes never tasted so addictive.

Civil Unions were made legal, and the Foreshore and Seabed bill passed its first reading. Adam and Steve could get married, but if they wanted to do so barefoot on the beach, then—OH, YO SHUT YO MOUTH.

The world of footy came to know of a boy named Carter, as the All Blacks decimated a woeful French outfit 45–6 in Paris. The French would never trouble the All Blacks ever again.

2005:

The Labour Party is elected to its third term in power. National Leader Don Brash throws down a veil of purple liquid on the steps of parliament and is never heard from again.

Prince Charles visits the colonies, namely this one, and gets introduced to two pairs of breasts as a consequence. Girls Gone Wild: Hamilton enjoys a 4% surge in sales.

Hurricane Katrina waltzes into dirty ol’ New Orleans and makes a lake of easy beats so blues, so sweet, they churn a sly dog into a water yuppie like a syncopated do-wop-a-do. President George W Bush plays a guitar and has cake with Noted Corpse John McCain in response.

Pope John Paul II passes away, and 4 million people arrive at the Vatican to mourn him. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger rat-zings his way to the papacy, and ushers in a new era of elderly white men leading the world’s Catholics.

The All Blacks make cub sandwiches out of the Lions, winning the series 3-0. New Zealand’s self-esteem rises just a little. A little.

2006:

Funny-looking man John Key is elected leader of the National Party. He would later appear on a late night talk show to read faux PG comedy to a largely indifferent American television audience.

Self-professed Wackiest Man on Earth Saddam Hussain is executed for war crimes in Baghdad. Video of the execution found its way onto embarrassment centre YouTube, where it came second to a cat playing the keyboard and a laughing baby as the most watched videos of the year.

In local footy, North Harbour belied the stupidity ever-present in people over the bridge by winning the Ranfurly Shield off Canterbury. In response, the east coast of the South Island broke off and drifted down towards the Auckland Islands in shame.

2007:

In one of the greatest comebacks of all time, then-convicted murderer David Bain had his convictions for murder quashed by the Privy Council. His subsequent release from prison was lauded over by members of the press, and for a moment, he was the most popular man charged with murdering five people in the entire country.

The Writers Guild of America went on strike, peeved they weren’t getting sweet, sweet ca-ching for everytime some douchebag in a college dorm downloaded the latest episode of Lost. Their absence led to some of the greatest episodes of A Daily Show With Jon Stewart (yes, “A”) ever produced.

The All Blacks went to France to fetch the Rugby World Cup. History fails to recall what happened after.

2008:

In a move that brought Australia into the mid 20th century, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd apologised before Federal Parliament, and to Indigenous people around the country, for the Stolen Generation. Racial harmony then spread over the Commonwealth like a beautiful, white satin sheet.

Oh, and Obama beat a living corpse to restore the Presidency to some semblance of dignity. The world never looked so happy.

In one of the most embarrassingly predictable elections in recent memory, a bored country elected a change of government for, you know, something to do.

Sir Edmund Hillary passed away, and an entire country measured how deeply it mourned the loss of its hero by how many Sir Ed DVDs it purchased.

The Kiwis somehow managed to win the Rugby League World Cup, impressing guys in pubs called the Masonic up and down the country.

2009:

An astonishingly long trial spanning three months finally concludes David Bain didn’t kill the prick.

New Zealand’s first telethon for 16 years raises $2 million for the KidsCan Stand Tall Trust. It becomes abundantly clear two minutes into said telethon why New Zealand hasn’t had a telethon in over 16 years.

Child Star-turned-child-fan Michael Jackson surprisingly shows his human side by dying like every other person in the history of civilisation.

All Blacks coach Graham Henry suffers the love, then the indignation, then the love, and then further indignation, of New Zealand’s intelligent and well-maintained sports journalism. GOD, I HATE HIM SO MUCH… but he’s so dreamy when they win—a thousand ice cream dreams dreamy…

Conclusion:

Monty Python, bless them, one and all, reminds us that we’re standing on a planet that’s evolving and revolving at nine hundred miles an hour, that’s orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it’s reckoned, a sun that is the source of all our power.

19 miles a second—that’s a baby stroller amped to warp speed and channelled through a wormhole piercing through time and space, pulsing, pushing, slashing… my god, we’ve come a long way in ten years.

Oh lord, I’ve double-o-wned myself.

Downs was given the magnanimous honour of being the fifth speaker to talk about Hanson at her 21st birthday soirée at the Palmerston North Cossie Club last weekend.

The history and classics student from Wellington delivered what some have called a “pretty good” speech, which recalled a number of hilarious and wacky misadventures with Miss Hanson.

“Th-th-there was this…this fuck…this one time, oh my [hic] god, that Hayley had lock…locked herself in MY BEDROOM…with…with a certain French ex-ex-exchange student…” Downs began, spilling cask wine over her $30 Supree blouse.

“Yes you d-d-d-did, you ho! Don’t lie! I’m so…soooooo…soooorrry, Mr and Mrs Hanson… but your dau…dau…daughter went to the south of France at… at least THREE TIMES that night! Ahahaha!”

Despite repeated assurances from Hanson that Downs’ endless barrage of embarrassing recollections were purely fictional, the speechmaker insisted upon the contrary.

She underscored the veracity of her claims when she threw her glass in the air and declared “TURRRRN THE FUCKIN’ POWERPOINT ON!”

What then followed was a hastily slapped-together visual collage utilising a number of photos stolen off Hanson’s Facebook that depicted the birthday girl in a number of embarrassing—and therefore comical—situations.

“Lo-lo-look! EW HAYLEY, WHO’S YOUR BOYFRIEND?! AHAHAHA!” asked Downs sarcastically, regarding a photo of 9-year-old Hanson with her arm around a deceased uncle.

“You… you are such a tramp… you go hiking all the fuckin’ time, you bitch. But oh my god, I love you so much and I hope you have, like, the best ever birthday, eh!”

Hanson was understandably moved by her long-time friend’s tribute.

“Melissa’s been there since, like, I was in high school and got dumped by my first boyfriend. And, like, even though she’s so totally wasted up there, what she said was so beautiful, it made me, like, cry so hard,” Hanson said, fighting back more tears.

“She’s, like, so amazing, and so beautiful,” she noted, looking over at Downs, who at that exact moment had slipped in a puddle of Export Gold.

Expert in 21st birthday speeches, Dr Marcus Hensforth from Victoria University’s Department of Embarrassing Social Connections, categorised Downs’ speech as a fairly typical, albeit refreshing commentary on the short-term existence of Miss Hanson.

“By drawing attention to the birthday girl falling asleep on the couch with her mouth open in this photograph, the speechmaker is addressing the fact people sometimes look ridiculous when they’re sleeping,” Dr Hensforth said.

“This photograph of Hayley hugging Melissa in their pyjamas is indicative of the fact these two people have recently been asleep. There are a number of social mechanisms at play here, but what it really comes down to is the fact these two friends have spent time in each other’s company.”

Salient was unable to get comment from Doug and Judy Hanson, Hayley’s parents, as they had been coerced onto the dance floor by a squad of classy partygoers.

“Fuck, Hayley! I’m dancing with your dad! AHAHAHAHAHA!” yelled one guest across the room.

From next year, all staff will be required to answer questions concerning the quality of education at the university with the officially sanctioned “Whatevs” response.

It will also be used to sound off on a number of complicated university issues, particularly the way classes are taught, the way research is conducted, and the way lecturers and tutors interact with students.

Victoria’s Vice-Chancellor Paddy Wolsh said the policy would allow university staff to focus on matters of real consequence.

“Staff now have the freedom to engage with students on an intelligent and truthful level,” he said.

“No longer will they be burdened by Little Charlie Puddleface and his want of an extension for FILM 101. All they need do now is flip the switch to ‘Whatevs’ and watch the bad times roll away.”

VUWSAR has vehemently denounced the decision, calling it a blatant disregard for student welfare.

“VUWSAR realises that the university is facing difficulties sourcing additional funding, but it simply doesn’t abide by this decision,” said VUWSAR President Tasman Dismantle.

“I spoke with Professor Wolsh yesterday and his response, get this, was ‘Whatevs’. What’s that supposed to mean?! You can’t just whatevs on the Whatevs policy!”

However, students seemed suitably indifferent towards the announcement.

“One of my media lecturers is already trialling it, eh,” said Matt McGonagal, 21.

“He was talking about media law when I asked him if he could explain the law of defamation again, and his answer was ‘whatevs’.

“So yeah, if you’re reading this Professor Andrews, you insurance fraud-committing-child-kidnapping-murdering-bowls-playing bastard, go to hell.”

Political parties have begun to wade in on the decision, with both Labour and the Greens voicing their disapproval.

However, the government’s response was surprisingly in line with the university’s.

“Minister Ann Dolly is… well… she’s neither here nor there on this one. I dunno, she’s just… meh, you know? Just kinda on the fence there, just, just wondering what to do,” said a spokesperson for Tertiary Education Minister Ann Dolly.

“I mean…[loud, audible yawn], fuck, what time is it? 4:30pm? Cool, half-four out the door,” he said, before collecting his things and going home.

Salient also asked the university to clarify whether or not this would mean a cavalier approach to the announcement of domestic fees for 2010, but Communications Director Madison Fletchel said she was unable to comment because her phone was on the other side of the room.

“She said she’d answer calls when her arms grow longer, or whatevs,” an unnamed staffer explained.

President:
Alan Young 285
Guy Williams 372
Max Hardy 807

Vice President (Education):
Alan Young 559
Sam Oldham 808

Vice President (Welfare):
Sam Mason 495
Seamus Brady 884

International Officer:
No Confidence 380
Alice Pan 1044

Environmental Officer:
No Confidence 373
Zach Dorner 1062

Publications Committee Rep:
Seamus Brady 1328

University Council Rep:
Fraser Pierce 153
William Wu 352
Amy Archer 386
Conrad Reyners 534

Education Officer:
Kieran Dale-O’Connor 633
James Sleep 698

Activities Officer
No Confidence 582
Alan Young 861

Campaigns Officer:
No Confidence 412
Bridie Hood 1006

Clubs Officer:
No Confidence 463
Fraser Pearce 955

Womens’ Rights Officer:
No Confidence 408
Caitlin Dunham 1058

Your delicious newsprinty edition of Salient has been delayed because of a small distribution hiccup. We’ve been given an ETA of 12pm, so fingers crossed, you’ll have it in your hot sweaty hands in time for afternoon lectures.

Apologies all round.

The Salient Clan.

The decision was made during a heated and difficult meeting of the University Council last Monday.

Government-funded honours and postgraduate fees will also increase by $500.

Victoria’s Student Services Levy will also increase to $510 for domestic students and $326 for distance students, regardless of whether they are part or full-time. Students this year paid four different levies for a commutative total of $275.60.

In addition, Victoria University will be introducing a late application fee. All applications to study after 10 February for the first trimester, and 25 June for the second trimester will be charged $120. First year International students will be exempt.

University Chancellor, Emeritus Professor Tim Beaglehole, said that although the Council increased the fees with great reluctance, the changes were necessary.

“The decision for a fees increase is made with reluctance, but we need to ensure that Victoria is a successful university for both current and future students,” he said.

Professor Beaglehole noted the Student Services Levy increase would allow Victoria to continue offering students a wide range of support services.

“It is essential that we continue to provide students support services that assist them to complete their studies, to deal with health and financial issues, to help provide accommodation and to assist with the transition from study to their careers.”

Student University Council Representative and NZUSA Co-President Jordan King voiced his unhappiness with the levy rise during the meeting.

“You’re absolutely doubling it in one year. It’s unfair,” King said during the meeting.

Both King and VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle voted against the fee and levy increase, but only King voted against the Late Application Fee.

Freemantle said that while VUWSA had always put strong arguments forward against fee increases, it supported elements of the new services levy, particularly the new flat charge.

“Part-time students have the tendency to be as heavy users, if not more so, than full time students [of student services],” she said.

But Freemantle said the decision to vote in favour of the late application fee was a way of curbing the effects of managed enrolment.

“Certainly something like a late application fee from VUWSA’s perspective is far more appropriate than simply limiting in other ways that students can attend.”

The tough economic climate has meant a number of universities have had to increase their services levy in addition to fees.

Canterbury University voted this month to increase its services levy from $80 to $600 for 2010. Massey University also announced its services levy will reach $200, almost double that of last year, and Waikato University announced a 40% increase on its $100 levy.

What you paid this year if you’re a full-time Internal Student:

$150.00 Student Services Levy
$81.60 Amenities Levy
$20.00 Technology Fee
$24.00 Student Assistance (Hardship) Levy
Grand total = $275.60

What you’ll pay next year regardless of whether you’re a full or part time student:
$510.00 Student Services Levy

Victoria University has issued former VUWSA President Joel Cosgrove and Workers’ Party member Heleyni Pratley with a two-year trespass for their part in last Monday’s protest fracas.

Protesters, many from the Workers’ Party, pelted members of the University Council with eggs and rotten fruit after the council agreed to move its fees setting meeting to a secure location in the Kirk building.

A university spokeswoman confirmed that two people who are not students at Victoria had been trespassed from the university for two years from all campuses.

A memo from VUWSA Association Manager Mark Maguire confirmed those two former students were Cosgrove and Pratley.

The university spokesperson said the behaviour at the council meeting was in clear breach of university boundaries.

VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle, who attended the council meeting, said that while she voted against moving the meeting from chambers, she felt the environment had become disruptive.

“It was my hope that students in the gallery would reconsider exactly how they were portraying things and let the speakers speak.

“I do firmly believe that those sorts of meetings should be made public,” she said.

Confusion arose when it appeared Freemantle had abstained from voting to move the meeting.

Council was briefed prior to meeting that a vote against such a resolution could be registered by saying nothing.

The Workers’ Party released a statement saying Pratley was not responsible for throwing eggs or fruit, while Cosgrove threw a single egg which he later cleaned up.

“In this case, as in others, it is clear that the university is targeting the people it sees as the leading activists organising against their slash and burn agenda,” Cosgrove said.

Accusations were rife that Workers’ Party member Alistair Reith was responsible for throwing an orange at the back of VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle’s head.

Speaking on the VBC, Reith confirmed that he had thrown “a few eggs,” but did not recall hitting Freemantle.

“It was a bit chaotic. There were eggs flying left, right, and centre,” he said.

Reith said he had no regrets and would partake in similar action again.

“The university bureaucrats who are paid several hundred dollars to turn up and raise our fees can afford the dry-cleaning to remove a bit of yolk off a suit.”

Sam Oldham, who organised the protest but had resigned his position as VUWSA’s Campaign Officer prior to it, told the VBC that he’d become frustrated with the association’s less than “radical” approach to fee raises and advocacy in general.

“The people I was pleasing I wasn’t sure I wanted to be pleasing.

“VUWSA’s history is called A Radical Tradition, and VUWSA couldn’t be further from that tradition right now,” Oldham said.

Freemantle disagreed with Oldham’s assessment.

“There has been a more active attempt to engage with students [this year] than VUWSA has seen in the past 10 years,” she said.

No details were available at the time of publication about the fate of others involved in the protest fracas.

The election of Max Hardy, Caitlin Dunham and Guy Williams, to the positions of Vice President (Administration), Women’s Rights Officer and Activities Officer respectively, were ruled not to have been conducted in accordance with the requirements of VUWSA’s constitution.

The panel ruled the inclusion of “No Confidence” in electronic ballots did affect those election’s outcomes.

“Voters who cast electronic ballots in these elections were provided with an option they ought not to have been, and substantial num­bers took up that option in each of the races.

“It would be wrong to infer that, although there is nothing in the Constitution to allow a ‘no confidence’ option in contested elections, the Constitution’s silence means that someone—it is not clear who—has the option of choosing to conduct such elections with a ‘no confidence’ option,” the panel reported.

The election of Zachary Dorner and Luke Cao as Environmental Officer and International Officer was determined to be valid.

VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle said that while she wasn’t required to follow the panel’s recommendations, she asked Hardy, Dunham and Williams to leave their positions.

“I do play by the book very closely and I thought it was appropriate to follow the recommendations. Those three individuals have been dealt with accordingly.

“As far as Max Hardy and Caitlin Dunham are concerned, that hasn’t been decided, and I don’t think it’s appropriate to make any calls until the general election has been completed,” Freemantle said.

VUWSA Association Manager and by-election Returning Officer Mark Maguire had been spoken to about the by-election and procedures surrounding the carrying out of elections had been addressed, Freemantle said.

Both Max Hardy and Caitlin Dunham are seeking election in this year’s VUWSA general election for the positions of President and Women’s Rights Officer respectively.

The bill seeks to remove compulsory membership of students’ associations, lending students the right to choose whether or not they join an association.

The National party promised to support the bill during its first reading, while Labour, the Greens and the Maori party all opposed it.

VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle said the association was disappointed with National’s support of the bill, particularly given the current economic climate.

“VUWSA is opposed to any bill which seeks to take away control of essential services from students.

“These services are an integral part of campus and academic life and part of the wider educational experience of university,” Freemantle said.

VUWSA’s sentiments were echoed by NZUSA Co-President Sophia Blair.

“Independent representation, advocacy and support, sporting and cultural clubs and social events such as Orientation would all be under threat in the unlikely event that this Bill succeeds, and all in the name of choice—which already exists!” Blair said.

The passing of the bill was applauded by the youth wing of the ACT Party, ACT on Campus.

“Students don’t speak with only one voice, as student associations claim. In fact students have varying views on all issues, just as the rest of New Zealand does,” said ACT on Campus Vice-President Peter McCaffrey.

“Forcing students to join an association that claims to represent them only leads to them being misrepresented.”

ACT on Campus has released a list of ten misrepresentations of students associations, including AUSA offering a $10,000 reward for the citizens’ arrest of Condoleezza Rice in 2008, and VUWSA’s refusal to lay a wreath at the 2009 ANZAC Day commemorations.

Students at Victoria University can choose to opt out of being a member of VUWSA should they wish to, but their $131.90 levy would be donated to charity rather than refunded.

VUWSA will be going free trade crazy after a motion calling for it to support the goals of free trade was passed at last week’s Student Representative Council (SRC).

The motion, tabled by members of Victoria’s fair trade rep group Just Action, called on VUWSA to become free trade and to lend its strength to making Victoria New Zealand’s first free trade campus.

A video package showing over 500 Victoria students showing support for a free trade campus was also shown.

VUWSA will also join Greenpeace’s “Sign On” campaign after a motion was passed unanimously, and in an interesting twist, now endorses New Zealand’s movement towards republicanism.

Young steals Hardy’s manifesto, is craftier than he looks

Eyebrows in the Max Hardy for President camp were raised late last week when it appeared opponent Alan Young had copied the former Admin VP’s Facebook manifesto and pasted it onto his own.

The text, which is pasted verbatim from Hardy’s, describes Young’s commitment to student advocacy and working towards a more accountable VUWSA.

Young didn’t return Salient’s repeated calls for comment.

Sir Geoffrey Palmer to deliver lecture at law school. Sit up straight.

Former Prime Minister, President of the Law Commission, and Victoria University law icon Sir Geoffrey Palmer will deliver his inaugural lecture as patron of the Victoria Law Students Society (VUWLSS) this Tuesday.

The lecture, entitled “Aventures in the Law: a Report from Experience”, will detail Sir Geoffrey’s journey through the world of teaching and living law in New Zealand.

Sir Geoffrey will also announce the makeup of the 2010 VUWLSS Executive.

The lecture will be held in Old Government Buildings Lecture Theatre 1 from 6 pm followed by classy drinks and canapés on the mezzanine of Rutherford House. 

Salient News Editor Michael John Oliver sat down with the two remaining candidates for VUWSA President 2010, Max Hardy and Alan Young, to find out why in the name of god they want to be the next Jasmine Freemantle.

Michael John Oliver: Why do you want to be President of VUWSA?

Alan Young: Well, everyone seems to not know what the president does, and I want to be the person who tells them, because everyone seems to be able to communicate with me quite easily, being a class rep, being a campus coach, just seems that all these conversations…just to get their opinions, because their opinions matter.

MJO: So, do you know what the President of VUWSA does?

AY: At the moment, I don’t know. I’m not too sure. I’ve never been part of VUWSA, so, I’m coming in from a fresh perspective.

Max Hardy: Well, to put it very politely, many students do not hold their students’ association in very high esteem, and they have not in a number of years. I find that very disappointing because in my brief contact with VUWSA, I’ve come to believe that what VUWSA does is in the very best interest of students, and to the great benefit of students. It means committing to environmental sustainability and a fair-trade campus, and it means providing students with articulate and principled advocacy.

MJO: What qualifies you to be President?

AY: Well, uh, I’m easy to communicate with, and you know, tell me what change they want. They can easily communicate and get opinions. And that’s why I want to take these opinions, put them together, and find the best solution to what they want, reach in the middle for what everyone wants, because everyone’s got different wants and different opinions.

MJO: But how does your experience—as a class rep, for example—qualify you to be this association’s President?

AY: Being a class rep, quite simply, anyone could talk to me. Like, if they had any problems with anything with the whole of the uni and that was quite good because they could talk about their problems, I could try and find a solution to their problems, and that’s what I can take to VUWSA.

MH: The reason I think I’d be a good President because I am approachable. In those two months as Administration Vice President, I’ve built up knowledge of what VUWSA does, and I have really good ideas about how to move the association forward.

AY: So, what have you done in those two months?

MH: As the Administration Vice President, I implemented new financial policies at VUWSA, that will be more accountable to students, and VUWSA’s finances are now more accountable and understandable to the exec. I also implemented better budgeting practices, as well as better student consultation processes, and the ability to have their say on the [VUWSA] budget. I started developing work on VUWSA’s waste management plan, and I explained to our exec how our finances ran. So I think I achieved a lot in the short time I was there.

MJO: But you will admit there is a gulf of difference between the level of work an Admin VP does and the work the President is expected to do.

MH: Oh, absolutely.

MJO: Do you feel that that work has adequately prepared you for the role of President?

MH: I think I would rely on the help and support of other people at VUWSA. We have an Association Manager, who I’ll be relying on, and I’ll be relying a lot on Jasmine Freemantle in the induction process. But a lot of the skills I’ve acquired as Admin VP will transfer over too.

MJO: What is your vision for VUWSA in 2010?

AY: Just to make it more transparent, just to make it more cost-effective.

MJO: What ideas do you have in mind?

AY: Well, apparently, you have executive bonuses? [to Max] Is that correct? Like, executive bonuses? Like, do you have executive bonuses? I’ve been told you have executive bonuses.

MJO: So, you’re not 100% sure if the exec is awarded bonus payments?

AY: No, I’m not sure, because I’m coming from a fresh perspective. But… a lot could be cut from administration, and these resources could be more spent on the food bank, you know?

MJO: What administration costs do you think are superfluous?

AY: [pause] Well, my supporters say we could cut down on a few positions.

MJO: Such as?

AY: [pause] I’ll… I’ll have to discuss, because I’ll have to know by getting in…as [Max] said “induction”… I’ll have to be trained by Jasmine Freemantle into the structure to learn more about, you know, the budget.

MH: I want to build a VUWSA that all students can be proud to be members of, and that means making it a vibrant organisation that responds to what students want.

MJO: Could you give me a couple of examples?

MH: I believe VUWSA is cost-effective, but it can be more cost effective, and there are a number of places that we can cut costs if students thought that was necessary, but I will be seeking a student mandate before cutting any money from VUWSA.

AY: Seriously, people don’t actually know what you do! They don’t actually know where their money is going, and that’s why I’m all for voluntary student membership.

MJO: [to Alan] Are you aware that the exec meeting minutes, as well as the association’s budget, are both available online?

AY: Oh really? Cool. Could you give the link after this? That’s great, you know, let people know that it’s on there. That’s awesome.

MJO: Max, are you in favour of VSM?

MH: I fully support students having the choice as to whether they want a students’ association. I fully support a referendum giving students the right to choose. Personally, I don’t support voluntary membership because it would decimate our association and I don’t think that’s in the best interest of students.

MJO: How do both of you respond to those who say VUWSA’s current method of measuring student support through quorums isn’t representational?

MH: With any organisation you’re not going to get all your members along. There will always be more members who’ll be available and be able to get directly involved in the governance. I strongly believe VUWSA needs to promote those events. If you build an association people are proud of, then you will see more people turn up to those events.

MJO turns to AY for his response. Silence.

AY: Could you explain what you mean by quorums and that?

MH explains General Meetings, Initial General Meetings, and Student Rep­resentative Councils to AY, who admits to have never participated in any before.

AY: 100 doesn’t seem very much, eh?

MJO: You’d like to see the quorum number increase?

AY: Yeah, I’d like to see it go up, because it doesn’t seem representative.

MJO: 200? 300?

AY: [thinks] Probably… yeah, I’d put it up. 200 out of 19,000 or so.

MH: [quietly] 25,000…

AY: 25,000?! Exactly! And if you can’t get 100, that’s pretty disappointing. But I believe I could get more. I reckon double, at least.

MJO: What is your assessment of the government’s position on tertiary education?

AY: Aren’t they cutting the funding to tertiary education? [long drawn-out pause] I’m not for cutting the costs of tertiary education.

MH: I don’t support any government that cuts tertiary education funding, because I believe every citizen has a right to education. I believe the current debt structure of tertiary education is not sustainable and limits the number of people who are available to get a tertiary education in New Zealand—that’s not good for New Zealand, and that’s not good for the individual either.

MJO: Over the past few years, VUWSA elections have experienced low participation rates. How would you seek to rectify that if you were elected?

MH: VUWSA needs to do a better job of getting its message out there, of responding to students better, and letting students know what they’re doing. If you have that level of engagement with students, then they’ll get out there and vote.

MJO: Do you think the style of engagement needs to change?

MH: I think that’s definitely part of it. We need to be a vibrant organisation.

AY: I think it’s got a lot to do with the negative publicity VUWSA gets. Like, with the wreath, and Joel Cosgrove, and that’s why we need basic common sense.

MJO: As President, how would you engage with other campuses? Pipitea, Te Aro and Karori?

AY: I was just down at Pipitea today talking with some of the commerce students.

MH: Once you’re elected?

AY: Oh yeah, but I’m always around! Once I get elected, I can spend time talking to students, because my office is… is at Kelburn… and I can easily go to other campuses because they’re within reach.

MH: I don’t believe as President that I’d have the time to talk to 25,000 students and explain to them what VUWSA is doing, and that’s why VUWSA is a larger organisation than just one person. I think the satellite offices of VUWSA at Pipitea and Karori need to be strengthened, like introducing the bread and food bank service, and there might other services too.

MJO: How would you both describe VUWSA’s role within NZUSA? Are students getting bang for their buck on a national level?

AY: I don’t know enough about that to comment.

MH: I think it’s important students have a national voice that can bring student issues to the government, and we need to ensure that the money we put towards NZUSA is worth it. At the moment, I think they do, but we need to constantly check to see that it is worth it.

MJO: VUWSA’s President not only leads the Executive, but oversees a staff of workers. What experiences do both of you have as a leader of a team and as a manager of staff?

AY: I’ve been through the Campus Coaches program, and I’m also a handball player, and I’ve led a team through that. We’ve got a tournament in October, and I’m organising transportation for that, so that’s quite important—

MJO: What about in terms of the workplace?

AY: Managerial experience? No, none.

MH: Apart from my brief time as Administration Vice President, I haven’t had any experience with leading a team of any kind. And that’s why I will rely a lot on the support of others, including the outgoing President, and the Association Manager.

MJO: What kind of office environment would you look to foster at VUWSA?

AY: Just a friendly, approachable environment, where everyone’s welcome. None of the bickering that I see in Salient, keeping it, you know, ending all these little feuds. I’m definitely for cooperation, getting the talk going, and getting opinions.

MH: I think VUWSA needs to be a vibrant, accessible place, where every person who works for VUWSA feels encouraged. Everybody deserves respect at VUWSA, and every student who comes in should feel like they’re walking into their student association.

MJO: Do you have any questions to ask of each other?

MH: I understand you support voluntary student membership?

AY: Yeah, definitely.

MH: So… are you aware of the consequences of voluntary membership? Do you think that VUWSA should no longer provide orientation? Should no longer fund Salient? Should no longer support Victoria Broadcasting? Should no longer provide welfare services? Should no longer provide advocacy services? Should no longer provide education support services? Should no longer provide representation on university councils and boards? Do you think any of the services VUWSA provides are worth it, and how would you provide them under voluntary membership?

AY: I support, you know, [pause] most of the things you just said, but we don’t need this administration. We don’t need all these offices. But… it’s voluntary… students can choose—it’s putting a check on you, it’s all about the students telling you that if you do a good job we’ll support you, I’ll opt out.

MH: [starts slowly] With due respect, experience across the world suggest that people can’t pay their student association levies through their student loans—which they can’t do if it’s voluntary—they’re not going to show up to their student association with a cheque.

AY: If that means they can keep their money and use it on the services you listed.

MH: None of the services I listed would stay around.

AY: No, I would definitely still support them…

MH: How would you fund them?

AY: People will support them if they’re cost-effective. There’s no reason why people won’t support it. If I don’t do my job well, they can just opt out.

MH: Currently we have a situation where people can opt out…

AY: Called VSM…

MH: No, they can opt out of the association if they want to.

AY: No they can’t, it’s included in our fees.

MH: If you want to opt out, there is a process you can go through to leave the association. It’s in the Act that allows for universal association membership.

AY: Then there should be no problem for VSM if you can opt out now.

MH: Well, no, that’s not what I…

AY: Are you worried that people might think you’re not doing a good job? That others might opt out of your administration?

MH: Anyone can opt out of VUWSA though…

AY: Exactly! If you’re saying that now, but when people opt out.

MH: I think you’ve misunderstood.

MJO: I think we’ll call it a day, guys.

Who are you people?

Max Hardy

AGE: 20
MAJOR: Law, Theatre and History
POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS: Formerly involved with Vic Labour
HISTORY WITH VUWSA: VUWSA Vice-President (Administration) for two months in 2009

Alan Young

AGE: 19
MAJOR: Political Science and International Relations
POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS: None
HISTORY WITH VUWSA: None

What cannot be underestimated is the appalling state of affairs VUWSA was in following the departure of the grossly incompetent Joel Cosgrove last year. VUWSA is certainly in better health than it has been in a great number of years, thanks in large part to Freemantle’s efforts, but it still finds itself stammering about the forest like so many lost bear cubs. Freemantle’s decision not to seek re-election may have come as a surprise to some, but her endorsement of short-term Admin VP Max Hardy as a successor aroused surprise in many.

A cursory examination of Hardy shows he’s got the smarts. A law, history and theatre student, and a dedicated and productive execateer, he has the makings of a perfectly adequate student politician. His talents in finance have been established, with the association sporting a more streamlined financial structure, the efforts of which will be realised upon the arrival of VUWSA’s new website. But he is young, so very young. And new, so very new. The crux of the year’s financial doodlings was more or less completed with the departure of Alexander Neilson, and while Hardy has no doubt brought change, it is by no means indicative of the squalor he will almost certainly encounter at the bow of VUWSA’s ship. He has yet to wear the taint of VUWSA’s incredible propensity for absurdity, and while this may or may not be a good thing, it stands to reason a leader should have at least one or two scars from battle.

Hardy has made a concerted effort to learn about VUWSA. His knowledge of what the organisation does, what services it provides, what kind of socio-economic climate it sits in, and what cogs in its financial mechanics need oil must be acknowledged. That knowledge will almost certainly expand in the top job, but Hardy realises many decisions will be played by ear. One has little choice but to say he has arrived a year or two before his time.

One cannot fault Alan Young’s enthusiasm, or at least his propensity to convey that through florid gesticulations. What one can, however, find fault is his astonishing ignorance and painful lack of interest in the position he has waved his hand up for. As the interview quite clearly shows, Young has absolutely no idea what it means to be the president of VUWSA. His comically inarticulate responses to the most mundane of questions are just pieces in a jigsaw of eye glazing, ear bending insanity. It is literally a case of a person looking at an advertisement for a job and saying, “I might like a go at that.” Although the office of president hasn’t lent itself well to professionalism in recent times, it is an office that demands some modicum of respect. At least Cosgrove knew what NZUSA was.

Perhaps Young would be better served plying that moxy of his in a position where he can serve students, as he clearly longs to, while learning about an organisation he has little to no understanding of at present. A 19-year-old could do much worse.

Overall, it is moot. This interview will do little to stem the tide in favour of one candidate, or stammer the inadequacies of the other. It is important to remember that come hell or high water, one of these two will be overseeing an organisation with a $2 million budget, and may perhaps be charged with facilitating (with the Association Manager, lest we forget) the change to voluntary student membership. You know, itty bitty things.

Whether the storm of 2010 can be weathered by a couple of near-enoughs remains to be seen. For their sake, let’s hope so.

Victoria University has agreed to increase fees by 5% and almost double its Student Services Levy for the 2010 academic year.

The decision was made during a heated and difficult meeting of the University Council on Monday afternoon.

Government funded honours and postgraduate fees will also increase by $500.

Victoria’s Student Services Levy will also increase to $510 for domestic students and $326 for distance students, regardless of whether they are part or fulltime. Students this year paid four different levies for a commutative total of $275.60.

In addition, Victoria University will be introducing a late application fee. All applications to study after 10 February, and 25 June will be charged $120. First year International students will be exempt.

University Chancellor, Emeritus Professor Tim Beaglehole, said that although the Council increased the fees with great reluctance, the changes were necessary.

“The decision for a fees increase is made with reluctance, but we need to ensure that Victoria is a successful University for both current and future students,” he said.

Professor Beaglehole noted the Student Services Levy increase would allow Victoria to continue offer students a wide range of support services.

“It is essential that we continue to provide students support services that assist them to complete their studies, to deal with health and financial issues, to help provide accommodation and to assist with the transition from study to their careers.”

Student University Council Representative and NZUSA Co-President Jordon King voiced his unhappiness with the levy rise during the meeting.

“You’re absolutely doubling it in one year. It’s unfair,” King said during the meeting.

Both King and VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle voted against the fee and levy increase, but only King voted against the Late Application Fee.

The tough economic climate has meant a number of universities have had to increase their services levy in addition to fees.

Canterbury University voted this month to increase its services levy from $80 to $600 for 2010. Massey University also announced its services levy will reach $200, almost double that of last year, and Waikato University announced a 40% increase on its $100 levy.

For more on the protest that took place during part of the meeting, click here.

What you paid this year if you’re a full time Internal Student:

$150.00 Student Services Levy
$81.60 Amenities Levy
$20.00 Technology Fee
$24.00 Student Assistance (Hardship) Levy

Grand total = $275.60

What you’ll pay next year regardless of whether you’re a full or part time student:

$510.00 Student Services Levy (we’ll call this the big daddy levy).

He may be renowned for sipping on milkshakes at VUWSA meetings and around the general Wellington area, but Peter McCaffrey now holds a new mantle: picking holes in VUWSA meeting procedure.

Last Wednesday’s VUWSA Annual General Meeting (AGM) was interrupted over a dozen times by the ACT on Campus Vice President, who raised 13 points of order and called for five quorum counts over the course of the 50-minute-long gathering.

The VUWSA AGM, a compulsory meeting of the Victoria Students Association, is held every year during the second trimester. It covers the presentation of the VUWSA financial report, the election of officials to relevant committees and offers opportunity for amendments to VUWSA’s constitution to be made.

McCaffrey’s concerns largely focus­ed on poking holes in the meeting’s procedures which he claimed were impractical at best and “illegal” at worse.

Demanding an enrolled roll count, whereby those eligible to vote would be required to list their name and Student ID number, McCaffrey was told by meeting chair (still) VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle that it would be practical for a show of hands instead.

This point was then disputed by Vice-President (Administration) Max Hardy and former VUWSA Exec member and current President of CanDo Robert “Bobby” Latimer.

Despite Latimer’s insistence on procedure, an initial quorum count only netted 87 people. VUWSA Exec members then went into to café adjacent to Mount Street and asked diners to ask if they would put their hands up.

When asked by Salient why they had their hands up, those in the café admitted being somewhat confused by the whole shebang.

“It seemed like the thing to do,” said one student.

“Some guy said something about a meeting and that I should put my hand up, so I thought ‘fuck it, why not?’”

Following repeated points of order, Milkshakes McCaffrey’s hilarity finally poked a nerve in Admin VP Max Hardy, who moved that McCaffrey’s speaking rights be revoked.

The motion was passed with palpable enthusiasm.

A motion was then tabled asking for the restoration of McCaffrey’s speaking rights, which failed with similar enthusiasm.

McCaffrey made his 13th and final point of order right at the meeting’s conclusion calling for a quorum count. This failed, bringing the meeting to a close—right on the brink of it being closed had quorum been maintained.

Despite the kafuffle rendered by Milkshakes McCaffrey, a number of minor constitutional amendments were passed, and the two new rep groups were brought to life.

The creation of a New Zealand School of Music rep group was passed unanimously, as was the creation of the cutely titled Victoria Student Media Group (VSM).

The brains behind the VSM Group, VBC Managing Director Matthew Davis, said that the group would give students a place to showcase their creative wares on the air and in print.

“It’s another way of getting a voice out there and building a community,” he said.

Salient Editor Jackson James Wood was equally enthused.

“I thoroughly endorse the idea of VSM.”

“It’s a fantastic idea to bring together a whole group of people who haven’t been brought together before,” he said.

However, the contentious amendments to the Salient Charter which would have required the magazine to dedicate an entire page to VUWSA Clubs failed when motion sponsor Masha Kupriyenko withdrew her support for it.

Although the motion was moved and seconded by two other students in attendance, it failed spectacularly.

Sources revealed the decision to Salient last week. The report had not been officially released at the time of print.

McCaffrey complained because of irregularities between online and paper ballots, and lax identification procedures with paper votes.

Upon recieving the complaint the election committee released a statement saying the irregularities’ while “not strictly in accordance with the VUWSA constitution” had “minimal” influence on the by-election.

The matter was passed onto an independent panel, comprised of former NZUSA president Joey Randall, former VUWSA Treasurer Graeme Edgeler and Senior Lecturer in Statistics Dr Richard Arnold, who have reportedly found the by-election to be invalid.

If the election is invalid, the decisions of the VUWSA exec over the past two months may not be legitimate.

Former Vice President (Administration) Alexander Neilson—one of the executive members replaced in the by-election—said the panel would have needed a “decent reason” to declare the by-election invalid.

“In almost every election there is something that doesn’t go completely right. In past elections we’ve had a number of exec members who’ve helped the returning officer to ensure compliance. This [error] may have happened because the returning officer was new to VUWSA.

“There is definitely some inexperience on the exec. There’s been a loss of a lot of institutional knowledge from staff and exec members recently.”

Neilson said the panel’s decision put the exec “in a tight position”.

“It puts the voting strength on or below six, [which is] what’s required to make quorum,” he said.

Five new executive members—Max Hardy, Caitlin Dunham, Guy Williams, Zachary Dorner and Luke Cao—were elected in the by-election held from July 27 to 29.

Further updates will be available on the Salient website.

The annual back-pat for New Zealand’s student media took place at a lavish blue carpet ceremony at Rutherford House two weekends ago.

Salient walked away with a total of six ASPAs, including Best Publication. Its artistic merits were acknowledged with Robyn Kenealy placing first equal for best cartoon, and designer Rory Harnden winning best cover.

Salient’s crew also swaggered away with three top writing prizes, with Sarah Robson taking Best Feature Writer; Nina Fowler, Best Feature Content; and Jessy Edwards snapping Best Unpaid News.

The judges for Best Publication said Salient was “…chock full of good reading from start to finish. It is intelligent, irreverent and packed with attitude and personality without being up itself, with good news and features, and endless content.”

Salient Editor Jackson James Wood said he was stoked to win Best Publication, but humbly heaped praise on his team of Salienteers.

“It’s all these guys,” Wood said, acknowledging the line of Salienteers who’d joined him to accept the award for Best Publication.

“All I do is sit around playing Raptor Safari and listening to the Lonely Island. Have you ever played Raptor Safari? It’s awesome, you drive around in a jeep killing raptors and… and yeah.”

Salient News Editor Michael Oliver said he was ecstatic with Jessy Edwards’ win in Unpaid News.

“Jessy has consistently, and without so much as a whinge, given mad props where some would have only offered annoyed props, maybe even dismayed props,” he said.

“She taught us a valuable lesson that bums bumming around bumming cigarettes off students and putting their bums on uni toilets is a recipe for national success.”

Two-time award winning student journalist Sarah Robson was drunk and teary-eyed, and acknowledged the cast of Salienteers in her acceptance speech.

“They may sit there and mock me endlessly and throw things at me…” at which point editor Jackson James Wood threw a bottlecap at Robson and said “Shut up, you’re gonna make me cry.”

Salient Arts Editor Uther Dean, who placed third for Best Reviewer, took umbrage with the mispronunciation of his name by MC Barry Soper.

“It’s U-THER,” he exclaimed.

“Why couldn’t your parents have christened you with a normal name like ‘Barry’ or ‘John’ or something?” Soper asked.

“Because they were creative…?” Dean replied.

Last weekend’s win was the first time Salient had walked away with the top award since 2004.

Still VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle didn’t congratulate the partly-VUWSA funded publication on its successes during the bi-weekly Publications Committee meeting, despite Vice-President (Administration) Max Hardy placing “Congratulate Salient” on the meeting’s agenda.

But, hey, we’re still the best, so whatevs. :D

Salient ASPA Wins
Best Publication
Best Cartoon (first equal), Robyn Kenealy, The Darkroom
Best Cover, Rory Harnden
Best Feature Writer, Sarah Robson
Best Feature Content, Nina Fowler
Best Unpaid News, Jessy Edwards

Salient ASPA Placings
2nd, Best Website
2nd, Best Sports Writer, Adam Howard
2nd, Best Education Series, Sarah Robson
2nd, Best Editorial Writer, Jackson James Wood
2nd, Best Design, Rory Harden
2nd, Best Paid News, Michael Oliver
3rd, Best Column, Michael Langdon, Teh Grammaz
3rd, Best Reviewer, Uther Dean

Holy shit, two Vic students are kind of a big deal over on C4

Two Victoria University students have struck it big by winning a television talent contest!

Anna Grahame and Joshua Stewart, both Weir House residents, were winners of C4’s ‘Fame’ talent search.

The duo will perform live at the New Zealand premier of Fame at Sky City Auckland in addition to a Fame prize pack consisting of a satchel, soundtrack, photo magnet and military cap.

Holy shit, they’re not saying Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990, but they haven’t seen proof he didn’t either

Fox News personality and ardent Obama detractor Glenn Beck has incurred the wrath of the internet who’ve claimed that while they can’t prove he raped and murdered a girl in 1990, they haven’t seen proof he hasn’t.

Beck carved a deep niche in the conservative cake by hinting US President Barack Obama wasn’t an American citizen.

“I’m not saying President Obama wasn’t born in the United States, but I haven’t seen any proof against it,” Beck said on his Fox News show.

The response from the douche-hating internet was aggressive, with a number of forums pushing the “Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990” line.

A website GlennBeckRapedAndMurderedAYoungGirlIn1990.com was established that said “Notice: This site is parody/satire. We assume Glenn Beck did not rape and murder a young girl in 1990, although we haven’t yet seen proof that he didn’t. But we think Glenn Beck definitely uses tactics like this to spread lies and misinformation.”

Salient hasn’t seen any proof that Glenn Beck didn’t rape and murder a young girl in 1990 either, but I guess it can reasonably assume he didn’t.

Holy shit, Whanganui to get an H. Mhichael Lhaws piHssed.

In a move that has angered radio host, mayor, and part-time comedian Michael Laws, the New Zealand Geographic Board has ruled the utopia of Wanganui should be renamed “Whanganui”.

The unanimous decision came after extensive consultation and submission from the public and Iwi.

The board received 889 public submissions, with 444 opposed, and 436 in support of the proposed change. Nine were neutral.

Wanganui Mayor Michael Laws argued that the change was unnecessary and went against the wishes of the Wanganui public.

A council-sponsored survey showed that 77% of those surveyed weren’t in support of the city changing its name.

77% of most New Zealanders, Salient assumes, don’t know or care where Wanganui is or what the hell it’s called.

Holy shit, Obama called Kanye West a jackass!

Footage has surfaced of US President Barack Obama calling hiphop superstar and fan of fishsticks Kanye West a “jackass” for remarks he made at the MTV Video Awards.

The rapper stormed the stage just after the first award, for Best Female Video, was presented to Taylor Swift. He cut the teen singer off, grabbing the mic and protesting in support of Beyonce.

“I’m happy for you Taylor, and I’ll let them finish your speech in a minute, but I just wanted to say that Beyonce had one of the best videos this year!” West said.

President Obama, speaking candidly to an NBC reporter, took exception to West’s shenanigans and dropped the J bomb while apparently off the record.

“He’s a jackass,” the leader of the free world said without a hint of irony.

West issued an apology on his website for the interruption, but the internet has yet to issue an apology for the surge of unfunny memes West’s outburst brought to the fore.

Holy shit, someone in France wants to kiss 100 strangers, write a book about it, and milk a gullible world into caring, and by that I mean paying money to her for details of her hilarious exploits, which will no doubt be hilarious and/or worthy of presentation in any written format.

See headline.

Still VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle has confirmed that she’s been approached to nominate herself for the vacant NZUSA co-president spot for 2010.

The position remained unfilled after voting at last month’s NZUSA conference failed to throw up a candidate with enough votes to take the spot.

Former AUSA President David Do will occupy one of the co-presidential spots.

Freemantle, who is not seeking re-election at this year’s VUWSA elections, told Salient that she was carefully considering her options for 2010.

Formidable legal mind to do a gig in Wellington

Victoria University will play host to one of the most notable legal minds in recent times when distinguished civil justice expert Dame Hazel Genn delivers a public lecture this week.

Genn, the 2009 NZ Law Foundation Distinguished Visiting Fellow, will deliver her infamous Justice and the role of Assisted Dispute Resolution lecture. The lecture made front page news in England back in July.

Dean of Victoria’s Law School Professor Tony Smith said the school was delighted to have Dame Hazel speaking.

“It takes a bit of doing for an academic to provoke such a strong reaction from the world of legal practice. This subject certainly hit a nerve when she first addressed it,” he said.

Teh Grammerz on teh wireless

Ever wonder why people can’t pronounce John Key’s name properly, or why Michael Laws is so gung-ho about keeping the H the F out of Wanganui? Victoria’s School of Linguistics and Applied Language Studies may be able to assist through the wonderful world of radio.

The school has been invited to contribute regularly to Radio New Zealand’s Sunday Morning programme by offering insights on relevant language issues.

Head of School, Associate Professor Paul Warren said the school was asked to contribute expert knowledge in an accessible and engaging way.

“The format of the language slot will see us responding to a language issue in the news, or introducing discussion of a topic that has caught our attention. Either way, it is a great opportunity for us to raise the profile of language issues and the profile of the university,” he said.

The first language slot in the revamped show kicks off at around 9.45am on Sunday 20 September.

God save the Queen, because these guys won’t

In a move surely to enrage members of Alf’s Imperial Army, members of The Republican Movement are returning to Victoria’s Kelburn campus this week as part of a new campaign.

The movement’s chairman Lewis Holden and the mysteriously named ‘Savage’ will be knocking about recruiting new members and taking questions from republicans and monarchists alike.

The meeting also coincides with the launch of the movement’s new book The New Zealand Republic Handbook.

“We’ll be taking questions and meeting Republic supporters. If Monarchy supporters have any good arguments against a republic they should come to the bar and let us know. We’d be interested to hear their arguments. So far, we ve found Monarchy supporters aren’t very good at arguing their case,” Holden said.

Don’t Mine Our Future

Protestors dressed in biosuits and hard hats began prospecting Parliament lawns with ‘metal detectors’ on Wednesday.

The stunt was part of the Green Party petition launch that calls for the protection of New Zealand’s most precious conservation lands from the mining of coal.

The National-led Government is talking about taking land out of schedule 4 of the Crown Minerals Act, which is where national parks are listed, in order to open them up for mining.

Greens MP Metiria Turei says that we must not let the Government get their hands on our national treasures and this petition is one way that New Zealanders can have their say in the matter.

Based on the wildly popular Faculty of Cheating and Screwing Around at Melbourne’s Monash University, the new school will offer classes in a wide range of assholish subjects, from standing up dates to spoiling movies.

Victoria Vice-Chancellor Paddy Wolsh called the decision a huge step in the right direction.

“In fact, huge doesn’t really cover it. It’s massive. Freakin’ massive, and it was all me, babe, all me,” Wolsh said, running his hands through his hair.

“You see that signature granting the School permission to exist—freakin exist—at this university? Yeah, that’s mine, bub. Big Paddy making plans, taking names, and being mega sweet.”

Expressions of interest in the new School have been high among members of the business and public sectors.

Gary Riddle from financial advisors Chip & Chase Ltd said the company was interested in sponsoring a number of senior employees through remedial classes offered by the new School.

“We’ve got a couple of guys who want in on the ‘Swagger Cos Your HUGE Wallet Forces You To’ 100 level class, while some of our number crunches have shown an interest in the ‘Smirk Whenever Someone Inferior Mentions Their Salary’ 300 level paper,” he said.

“I, for one, am looking forward to hearing more about the ‘Wear a Suit to Lunch and Spend the Entire Hour Looking Around to See How Many People Are Checking Out Your Expensive Suit and Awesome Haircut’ 200 level paper. I was born to be Magna cum Laud Me in that one.”

But students spoken to by Salient at Victoria’s Kelburn campus were subdued in their response to the new School.

“I don’t really mind, eh. I’ve already read the complete Harry Potter series, so there’s nothing really important left to spoil,” said history student Haley Winter.

“People are always gonna be dicks, so yeah, not really a huge island on my horizon,” said English major Carl Samuels.

“I don’t live at Weir House, so it really won’t effect me,” design student Marcus North said.

Meanwhile, the decision has been greeted with palpable enthusiasm down at Victoria’s Pipitea campus.

Faculty of Law Director Professor Rowe Wade said he has already held preliminary talks with Vice-Chancellor Wolsh about including classes from the new School in the LLB prescription.

“Students will benefit greatly from the ‘Shit-Eating Grin’ paper,” Wade said. “It’s vitally important for all law students to walk into any room anywhere in the world looking like you’re God’s gift to everything. You may as well forget the bar exam if you can’t pass that one.”

President of the Law Kids Collective Richard Samson said the new classes would offer law students an excellent opportunity to hone their already acute levels of dickishness.

“It’ll help us prepare better for the world outside law school—SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST THERE WERE NO ALIENS IN SIGNS DARTH VADER IS LUKE’S FATHER—and that’s invaluable, really,” said Samson.

“If you’re in the middle of a moot, for example, and your girlfriend calls you, you’ll soon have the tools needed to pick up the phone an say ‘Look, tots, I know you want some Samson sprinkled on yah, but babe, I’m being incredible right now, so go get yourself sexied up and wait for me to crown you.’ It works best with flip phones cos they make a noise when you hang up.”

Nobody from Victoria’s student association VUWSA was available for comment, but a cursory glance at their past years’ performances would suggest they’re hot with excitement.

Editor of Salient Jackson James Wood, who successfully mounted a campaign for the vacant Mt Albert seat earlier this year netting nine votes, currently leads the three candidates for VUWSA President on a Salient poll by a ridiculous margin.

Of the 50 votes registered, 38 voted for Wood. “Bahaha voting” was second on 5 votes, and current VUWSA Vice-President (Administration) Max Hardy ringing in 4 votes in third.
Wood said he was happy with the result, perhaps too happy.

“It’s an honour that a man with no political ambition within VUWSA to poll higher than serious candidates,” he said.

“I have deep faith in the electorate to come through and somehow hack the online voting and put my name on there.”

Even if this doesn’t come to be, Wood said he had a plan B up his sleeve.

“I’ll take every vote for No Confidence as a vote for me… every vote… tallied up… and added for me…smirk.”

That ‘cunt’ is offensive

By Jean-Michel Olivier, Independent Film Maker

We find our hero sitting bow-legged on the set of his latest cinematic construction, the aptly titled C Word Run. He regards me with a certain je ne sais qua as he contemplates a response.

“Well,” the director begins, “Sit still and I shall tell you a tale…”

In 1996 when I was but a lonely best boy for Robyn G. Ackman’s mind-blowing tribute to banal nationalism The River Runs Red, White, and Blew You to Smithereens, Sandman, I whittled away the hours by reading some of the finest literature of our time. Your readers may not be familiar with the treatises of Norman Sandchild and his seminal work The Fuck, but it changed my conception of what constitutes reality.

I was no longer satisfied with fixing lights; I needed to become my own light. I developed an insatiable need to rise up beyond my better self and produce something complete—an even better self. I became fixated on Chapter 12 of The Fuck, which was entitled The Power of the Word. I photocopied it at least seven-dozen times and plastered it across the walls of my New Yorkian bedsit. In it, Sandchild poses that the word ‘fuck’ has an indelible power. “To replace it with another word like ‘dog’ or ‘barbeque’ would have an immediate and banal re-ac-tion,” he says.

This single sentence was a revelation. It became an obsession. I found it wrapping around my body and sniping my face like a cobra sitting on top of an anaconda during the wet season. It suddenly became clear; the obsession developed meaning. I had to embrace this and give it some kind of form, a claymation samba of a tango, if you will.

I moved out of my bedset and hiked across the western plains to Billings, Montana, where I lived in a cave subsiding on flecks of moss and contaminated cave water for six years. In that time, I began to concoct my ideal image of a word. Linguists around the world have agreed (I assume) that the power of one single word can change the world. It became my destiny to find a word and lead that word down the road of enlightenment and towards a podium facing out upon humanity.

The word… is not a popular word, this I must accept. It is a word that for better or worse has enveloped a set of meanings and conceptions. It is understood to mean something in a literal sense, and another in its hateful virtual embodiment. I am not the architect of this meaning; but I must accept it is true. It is why I have used it with absolute aplomb in C Word Run. You may not find the word offensive, but it is used to construct offensive meaning. Le word ‘cunt’, ergo, mon ami, is offensive.

He folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. A look fell across his face that said ‘checkmate’, and I was left confused. Had this man, this Jean-Michel Olivier, successfully proven once and for all that the word cunt was indeed offensive?

The filmmaker was right. I was offended—best boys are best scene and not heard.

JvJ’s Right of reply:

RIP Jean-Michel Olivier.

Dropping the C-Bomb

Jakon von jakobson, the lowly quantity surveyor.

I use the title ‘c-bomb’ only in a totally ironic manner here. If the c-bomb was in fact ordinance, it would closely resemble a spud gun. Fun to play with but ultimately ineffective way to shock, awe and impress your enemies. You are holding testament to how inoffensive the c-bomb is in your sweaty little hands right now—what self-respecting magazine would publish something offensive?

Rather than writing some boring screen-play-esque novella, it is best to address the issues here. So, in perfect quantity surveyor-type prose, please survey these reasons why the c-bomb is in no way offensive.

Constituent parts

Words are made up of letters. None of which on their own cause offense. Here is a short run-down of the letters involved in the making of the c-bomb.

U: twenty-first letter in the latin alphabet. Used in words such as uvula (twice!), unanimous and is the first letter in the United States of America, the strongest country on Earth and the country in which Dr Dre resides.

T: Twentieth letter in the latin alphabet, the most commonly used consonant in English. A little known fact about the letter T is that one time it was missed out of an important document. This directly led to the charge of the light brigade.

C: Third letter of the latin alphabet, famous for being in words like cereal, Craccum and Caclin.

N: Fourteenth letter in the Latin alphabet, second most commonly used consonant after T. Often overlooked when choosing initials for small children.

Sound

/ˈkʌnt/—kun – t.

It starts off like fun, gun or run. Also sounds like Mike Hunt. It also sounds like bunt, the act of hitting a baseball lightly; runt, the smallest rapper of a litter; dunt, A dull-sounding blow to the back of Olivier’s head; Gunt, a river in Tajikistan, hunt, pursue for food or sport, junt, an unrolled joint made with a mix of tobacco & cannabis just like Dr Dre smokes, lunt; A slow-burning match or torch; munt, fuck shit up; nunt, jewish pastry; punt, kick. None of these words are offensive even though they all sound pretty darn similar to the c-bomb.

Offence

Carl von Clausewitz or Jack Dempsey or perhaps Gandhi said “The best defence is a good offence,” which of course means that if you want to make friends and/or influence people, you have to insult them. That is the obvious conclusion.

Historical usage

Supposedly comes from a street name where prostitutes used to hang out, but if you go back even further it was an actual anatomical term that derived from a word that meant blossoming flower.

Many famous people have used the c-bomb, here are but a few:

Geoffrey Chaucer.
Robbie Burns.
James Joyce.
Jane Fonda.
Dr Dre.
Jean-Michel Olivier, the well known unknown script writer.

When used in art, like the pretentious attempt on the opposite page, it seems to be okay. So why not in every day parlance?

Oh, it already is, you say?

Reclaimation

Many feminist movements like to use the word. Kind of like how African American rappers can say n-word, the gays can say the f-word, dykes can say dyke, people of an orange hair colouration can say ginge and student journalists can say nubs. Many young people and emos have started using the term in such forums as Manners Mall, and not just to describe female genitalia. The c-bomb has been used to describe all manner of things, from the editor of this magazine to a sailor’s cap—it is even a colloquial unit of measurement.

Similar

words
Cock is another four-letter word that starts with C that is deemed only mildly offensive. It’s meaning refers to male genitalia, as does cock, schlong, willy and dick. Vagina, vulva and box are also not offensive

Words have as much power as you give them. Meanings change and it is quite apparent that this particular word is no longer offensive.

J-MO’s Rebuttal:

Victoria University is expected to increase its Student Services Levy by a “substantial” amount in 2010, Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh told a fees forum last Wednesday.

The forum, organised by VUWSA and the university, detailed the university’s challenging financial position, and highlighted that tougher times lay ahead.

The decision whether or not to increase the Student Fee in addition to tuition fees will not be made official until the meeting of the university’s Council on 21 September.

Facing a minimum revenue loss of $1.3 million next year, $3.1 million in 2011 and $3.4 million in 2012, it is expected the university’s Financial Committee will recommend to the University Council that levies be increased.

It is also expected that managed enrolments will be introduced next year, becoming university-wide in 2011.

Needing to maintain a 3% revenue surplus, and an expectation that the National Government will not maintain its tertiary funding at the level of Consumer Price Index (CPI), Walsh anticipated that Victoria’s revenue drop will be double of that forecast ($3 million next year, $6 million in 2011 and approx $7 million in 2012).

A partnership between VUWSA and the university regarding the operation of student services is also being considered, but Walsh stressed this was only in its preliminary stages.

Despite the proposed levy increases, Walsh stressed that it was by no means indicative of a trend towards further increases beyond next year.

“If the student levy is increased in 2010 it would be wrong to assume that students would automatically face increases in 2011 and 2012, however the university would want to ensure the level of services was maintained,” Walsh said.

“The university wants to ensure that services are preserved and there are no barriers to students accessing the services.”

Walsh’s sentiments were echoed by Chancellor Tim Beaglehole, who noted that the university’s finances were stuck in the mud.

“Council, when assessing fees, has little choice but to put them up to some extent,” Beaglehole told the forum.

“There is no other income that we have control of.”

VUWSA President Jasmine Free­mantle felt the forum was productive, and supported the changes proposed by the university.

“VUWSA is strongly supportive of the continuation of high quality and accessible student services,” Freemantle said.

But NZUSA Co-President Jordon King described the proposed levy increase as completely unacceptable.

“What it looks like is something similar to what has been introduced at Canterbury University, where levies were increased by $400-$500 dollars, and this is not acceptable at all,” King said.

“There is no justification for such a large jump and students have every right to be concerned.”

The University Council will meet to discuss possible fee rises for 2010 on 21 September.

The VUWSA Election Arbitration Panel is expected to deliver its judgement to the Election Committee on three points of contention raised regarding the way the July by-election was held.

The panel is made up of former NZUSA Co‑President Joseph Randall, former VUWSA Treasurer Graeme Edgeler, and Senior Lecturer in Statistics Dr Richard Arnold.

Points the panel will consider over the week will be whether the electronic ballot paper complied with VUWSA’s constitution, that there were two different ballot papers used during the election, and that adequate security measures, to prevent fraudulent voting, were not used when obtaining votes on paper in the quad.

Difficulties could arise if the panel should rule the by‑election invalid, and the five newly elected exec members finding their voting powers retracted.

In its written submission, the collective of students contesting the by-elecetion’s legitimacy, headed by ACT on Campus Vice-President Peter McCaffrey, highlighted their concerns and criticised returning officer Mark Maguire’s response to their complaint.

“We believe that firstly, it is unacceptable for the returning officer to have taken so long to reply to our complaints, and secondly, that the returning officer did not provide adequate responses to any of our complaints,” the submission stated.

Nominations for the 2010 VUWSA Exec closed last Thursday.

Tertiary Education Union members at six polytechnics have voted overwhelmingly in favour of taking industrial action in response to proposed changes to their working hours.

Teachers from NorthTec, Bay of Plenty Polytechnic, Waikato Institute of Technology, Western Institute of Technology in Taranaki, Whitireia Polytechnic and Unitec have taken umbrage with a 10-day increase to their working year.

TEU National Industrial Officer Irena Brorens said teachers were becoming increasingly frustrated with the disregard shown for their work.

“At the meetings [teachers] said they felt aggrieved by the pay offer and the total disregard by employers for the flexibility that already exists in the collective agreement,” Brorens
said.

Students unprepared for life in the poor house

A Canterbury University PhD study has shown that students’ expectations about student debt are out of kilter with the reality of tertiary study.

School leavers surveyed in the study estimated their average expenditure per year studying would be $12,209—considerably less than the actual total of $19,610.

The study by Steve Haultain said students were not fully informed about the real costs of taking out a student loan, nor of any other options available.

An Auckland University of Technology study last year said that while average student debt levels increased by 67 percent between 1995 and 2004, income levels for first-year graduates increased by only 19 percent over the same period.

This is the end. This is the end of dog racing… no, wait, shitty old email. Dog racing’s still on. Woof.

Students still knocking about in the stone age of Victoria’s email system will need to jump on board the fast train to MyVUW when the old system closes this Saturday.

Victoria’s Information Technology Service launched its Exchange Labs/Outlook Live email system late last year, and while most students have made the switch, some are still hanging on.

Those smart enough to log into the new system will go in the draw to win “some great prizes,” ITS has advised.

Those who like email and/or prizes are encouraged to log in to the new system before 17 September or miss out… not so much on the email, that’ll still be there, but on the prizes.

FOOTY

A Victoria University student has uncovered what anyone who’s ever footied a footy has known since the dawn of footy.

Nick Wilson PhD candidate Nick Wilson spent time researching the use of expletives by local footy teams.

Wilson’s analysis revealed that footy players had a propensity to use swears before, during and after footy.

“The team captain uses ‘fucking’ as an emotional intensifier in to motivate the players, to strengthen team solidarity and to perform as a leader,” Wilson explained.

Every footy whoever footied a footy will fucking footy a footy for-fucking-footy-ever. Footy.

An amendment to the charter posed by VUWSA Clubs Officer Masha Kupriyenko would require Salient to provide regular coverage of club news and views in the form of a dedicated weekly page.

The motion also calls for the Publications Editor and the Clubs Officer to liaison with clubs on a regular basis.

Salient Editor Jackson James Wood has called the amendment completely unnecessary, as the magazine already provides adequate coverage for clubs in the form of the notices page.

“Salient has a notices page which is extensively used by some clubs. Our news section has consistently featured stories about clubs,” Wood said.

Wood also took umbrage with the manner in which the proposed amendment was brought forward, and Kupriyenko’s insistence that the changes are just what clubs want.

“The first I heard of the motion was when it was posted on the VUWSA noticeboard. The first time Masha came to talk to me was [last Tuesday]. She says it is just what clubs want, however no club has approached Salient to complain about our coverage.”

Meanwhile, the establishment of a rep group tailored to Vic media junkies has also been put forward.

The Victoria Student Media Group, the brainchild of VBC Managing Director Matthew Davis, would provide an avenue for media-savvy Vic students to sport their talents.

Other changes proposed for the AGM include the establishment of a New Zealand School of Music Rep Group, and amendments to a number of Association delegate titles.

The AGM will be held this Wednesday at 1pm at Mount Street Café and Bar.

British fashionistas and stars of the popular television series What Not to Wear Trinny & Susannah are heading to Wellington for a one-off fun-filled fashion EXTRAVAGANZA!

… at Westfield Queensgate.

The style gurus, known for their incredible capacity to reduce the human form into a series of simple shapes, will be performing six shows designed to get people into ship-shape-shop for summer throughout New Zealand.

“We are so excited about coming back to New Zealand, we will be keeping an eye out to see if the ladies we saw last time listened to our advice, and help them work out how to wear this season’s styles to suit their body shape,” the two said.

Whether the two are excited to be returning to Lower Hutt on 5 October remains to be seen.

Holy shit, no love at all for TV3!

It doesn’t pay to be up with the sun if you work for TV3, with the privately-owned network falling short of winning much of anything at this year’s Qantas Media Awards.

Public-owned network TVNZ cleaned up all but one of the primary news and current affairs awards, including Best News and Best News or Current Affairs presenter for Kevin Milne.

TV3 chalked up a single, solitary win for Best News Reporting, with Amanda Gillies’ piece on the Victoria bushfires coming up trumps.

Sacred cow Outrageous Fortune received only one award for Best Script.

Holy shit, some guys drove a van across Cook Strait!

A little bit of a Kiwi ingenuity coupled with a splash of elbow grease has allowed two men to successfully drive a van across Cook Strait last week.

Aeronautic machinists Adam Turnbull and Dan Melling completed the journey last Sunday after converting their Toyota van—called “Roofliss”—into an amphibian Transform-ersesque vessel.

The journey, which took less than six hours to complete, went above and beyond both men’s predictions.

“It’s exceeded all expectation and is handling beautifully,” Turnbull said during the piratey adventure.

Noted criminal Dick Dastardly’s attempt to turn a submarine into a makeshift aeroplane for the purposes of catching a nefarious pigeon were, sadly, less successful.

Holy shit, a naked cowboy wanted to be mayor of New York!

Infamous Times Square oddity, The Naked Cowboy, has withdrawn his bid to be the mayor of New York.

Robert Burck is a tourist attraction known primarily for his near-naked guitar strumming resplendent in white briefs and a cowboy hat.

He entered the mayoral race in July with the slogan, “Nobody has done more with less.”

However, he fell afoul of the city’s Conflicts of Interest Board to the tune of $250 after failing to file a financial disclosure form.

Meanwhile, Salient Editor Jackson James Wood is rumoured to be considering a tilt at Wellington’s mayoralty in 2010.

Holy shit, Caclin could be best student rag in country!

By the time your greedy little eyes read this, the award for Best Publication at the Aotearoa Student Press Association Awards will have been dispensed.

Despite liking its chances, Victoria’s student magazine Salient recognises that it may fall short of claiming the top prize to Lincoln University’s Caclin.

Salient News Editor Michael [all rise] Oliver said Caclin’s propensity for shenannigins made it tough to beat.

“They had this Winter Fest photospread with guys hanging out drinking having fun,” Oliver said.

“We may have covered some important issues this year, but shit, look at this fucking snowboard. Game over, man, game over.”

Expect untenable gloating or nauseating self-pity in next week’s issue.

Spearheaded by Victoria University’s School of Music, in conjunction with the London School of Music, the exhaustive analysis of Johnson’s songs and lyrics concluded “overwhelmingly” that the singer-songwriter famous for his breezy tunes and pretty sweet beats does in fact produce breezy tunes with some pretty sweet beats.

Over the last half-decade, the study assigned dedicated teams of experienced academics to preen Johnson’s music with a fine-tooth comb for its inner meaning.

A “War Room” established at Victoria’s School of Music was covered in rolls of newssheet where researchers would spend hours, sometimes days, scribbling Johnson’s lyrics across in an attempt to unravel their intricacies.

A guest researcher from the London School of Music established a base camp, equipped with a three-person tent and full cooking facilities, besides one wall brandishing lyrics from Johnson’s 2006 single ‘Upside Down’.

“It became one of the most trying intellectual quagmires of my career,” the researcher explained.

“It’s like he’s tapped into a well of sweetness that’s, quite amazingly, pretty chill. Understanding this was one of the most exhausting experiences of my 40-year career.”

The study laid to rest the belief the docile surfer from Hawaii primarily focused on “decent times” and “semi-cool beats.”

“That’s simply not the case,” noted study chair-person Professor Ron Dyer.

“Speculation that Jack Johnson is responsible for performing music about anything other than good times has been unfairly bandied about. What we’ve proven is that he is, quite conclusively, singing about times that are pretty sweet and chill, which is pretty chilled out and sweet.”

As part of the study, researchers were assigned to beaches the length and breadth of Northern California where they would play songs from Johnson’s complex discography and measure the reaction of those around them.

The study showed that nearly “99 percent” of the time, a circle of relaxed 20-something surfers and college students would arrive, light a small bonfire, and sway along with the music long into the night.

“I’ve met more blond-haired college girls called Ashley on San Francisco’s North Beach than I ever thought possible, all because of their love for Jack Johnson’s pretty chilled and sweet beats,” another researcher told Salient.

“Man, the vibes were so good, and that bonfire burned so long. It was so sweet and chill.”

An unexpected twist came early into the study when all 2000 researchers began sporting short-sleeved light-coloured polo shirts and sandals to work, regardless of what weather conditions were outside.

“Johnson became a part of our everyday lives, man,” Research Assistant Mark Webber explained.

“It was like, ‘Woah. Dude, I can’t believe how sweet these beats are. Man, good times are so sweet’. My bro Jack’s got my back and the sun is shining.”

Johnson himself was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson did invite Salient down to the beach to catch some “sweet” waves and relax with “some peeps” later on.

The forum, organised by VUWSA and the University, detailed the university’s challenging financial position, and highlighted that tougher times lay ahead for the capital’s university.

The decision whether or not to increase student fee levies in addition to tuition fees will not be made official until the meeting of the University’s Council on September 21.

Facing a minimum revenue loss of $1.3 million next year, $3.1 million in 2011 and $3.4 million in 2012, it is expected the University’s Financial Committee will recommend to the University Council that levies be increased.

It is also expected that managed enrolments will be introduced next year, becoming university-wide in 2011.

Needing to maintain a 3% revenue surplus, and an expectation that the National Government will not maintain its tertiary funding at the level of CPI, Walsh anticipated that Victoria’s revenue drop will be double of that forecast ($3 million next year, $6 million in 2011 and approx $7 million in 2012).

A partnership between VUWSA and the University regarding the operation of student services is also being considered, but Walsh stressed this was only in its preliminary stages.

More details will be avaliable in next week’s issue of Salient.

Things are just a little CHAOTIC here right now… and by that I mean they’re not… but they will be if the truck bringing gifts of Salienty goodness is delayed much longer.

But rest assured you’ll (knock on wood) have your shiny issue of Gaylient by lunch time. We hope. We pray.

===UPDATE===

Salient made its way to Wellington, but due to some kind of comic mishap, it failed to make it from the depot to the truck. Kia ora, light load, kia ora.

We’re looking at an ETA of about midday. They said 1pm, but c’mon, Wellington’s not that big.

===UPDATE DOS===

The motherlovin’ VUWSA van is booked all afternoon, so off campus deliveries will be made tomorrow. Sigh.

===UPDATE WIN 3.1===

JJW sez: Still not flipping here. Blowing steam out my ears and throwing stuff around the office.

===UPDATE Basilisk II===
Right. If you’re in Kelburn you should have access to teh Salient which are scattered around in their usual positions. If you’re at Pipitea, Karori, SOAD or town you will be able to pick it up from about 9:30ish. Sweet? JJW

Wang’s resignation, the seventh this year, means only six of the original 12 Execeteers elected last year remain in office.

Five vacant positions were tentatively filled in late July after a by‑election. But the by‑election itself has been a point of contention after questions arose concerning its legitimacy.

A complaint registered by ACT On Campus Vice‑President Peter McCaffrey noted that the online ballot for the by‑election contained an option for No Confidence on three elections with more than one candidate, considered invalid according to VUWSA’s constitution.

The second part of the complaint concerned security procedures at the in‑person voting in the quad. It is alleged student IDs were not checked, presenting an issue of legitimacy.

In an email sent to VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle and Association Manager Mark Maguire, head of the by‑election subcommittee Jeremy Greenbrook‑Held noted that an arbitration panel had been established to consider the complaint.

The panel is made up of former NZUSA Co‑President Joseph Randall, former VUWSA Treasurer Graeme Edgeler, and Senior Lecturer in Statistics Dr Richard Arnold.

“The committee felt it was important to have a broad membership of the panel,” Greenbrook‑Held wrote.

The resignation of Education Welfare Officer Robert Latimer before the mid‑trimester break led to his role being co‑opted by a non‑voting exec member, who will be selected by the Exec at a meeting this month.

Difficulties could arise if the panel should rule the by‑election invalid, and the five newly elected exec members finding their voting powers retracted.

With nominations already being called for positions on 2010’s exec, Wang’s role is likely to be co‑opted in the same fashion as Latimer’s. This would leave six exec members with voting powers, the bare minimum required for quorum.

Among a list of motions still needing to be tabled and voted upon, this year’s exec still needs to approve the make up of VUWSA’s 2010 budget. Should there for any reason be fewer than six execeteers present, the exec won’t be able to do this.

VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle has abstained from commenting on the by‑election or the investigative processes involved with it.

VUWSA Association Manager and by‑election returning manager Mark Maguire failed to provide Salient with the full details of the by‑election, des-pite numerous requests to do so.

The VUWSA Constitution, available on the VUWSA website, states that the Returning Officer is required to “declare the result of the election by posting one copy of the declaration on the Association noticeboard.”

The constitution provides a template for how the declaration of the results should be formatted.

The declaration of the election results should include the number of votes for each winning candidate, the number of no confidence votes, and the total number of votes cast for each position.

It also requires that this declaration of the election result is signed and dated by the Returning Officer and assistants.

A provision in the constitution also says that exec members can also be elected to their positions at a Special General Meeting.

“In the event of a vacancy or vacancies amongst Executive members other than the President and/or Vice‑President (Education) and/or Vice‑President (Welfare), the Executive may resolve whether any such vacancies will be filled by election at a Special General Meeting or by a by‑election provided that by‑elections shall not be held after the end of the second academic trimester,” the Constitution states.

The arbitration panel is expected to have presented its findings before the 2009 VUWSA General Election later this month.

Students and penny pinchers alike are being invited to attend a joint fees forum hosted by VUWSA and Victoria University on Wednesday.

The forum will give students an opportunity to be addressed by the university regarding the setting of domestic fees for 2010 academic year.

Speakers listed to appear at the forum include Emeritus Professor Chancellor Tim Beaglehole, and Vice-Chancellor Professor Pat Walsh.

Walsh is expected to address Victoria University’s financial position, and will also take questions “as appropriate.”

VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle said the forum would be an excellent opportunity for students to get in the ears of Victoria’s head honchos.

“The fees forum provides an opportunity for students to constructively engage with the university on the issue of student fees,” Freemantle said.

“Victoria students have not had this opportunity since 2006.”

The University Council will meet in October to determine the shape of course fees, as per the recommendation of the university’s Finance Committee.

The forum will take place at 12pm on Wednesday 9 September in Hunter 220.

Sir Roger Douglas’ Voluntary Student Membership (VSM) of students’ association bill was been selected as a members bill late last month.

The bill, entitled Education (Freedom of Association) Amendment Bill, has the stated aim of “uphold[ing] students’ right to freedom of association, by ensuring that no student is compelled to join a students’ association.”

Under the current system every student enrolled at Victoria University has to become a member of Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association. The only way to opt out is to approach the president of the association and provide sound ideological reasons for not wanting to be a member.

Pro-VSM lobbyists were excited by the promise of the bill. ACT on Campus Vice-President and Victoria University student Peter McCaffrey called upon parliament to honour the Bill of Rights and give New Zealand students “freedom”.

“The local tennis or rugby club can’t compel membership and instead relies on providing a good quality service that people want in order to attract members—student associations should be no different,” McCaffrey said.

ACT on Campus’ sentiments were echoed by Chair of Victoria’s branch of the Young Nats, Christian Lambert.

“Students ought to have the same rights and freedoms as every other New Zealander, we should be able to decide whether or not we join a union,” Lambert said.

Douglas himself frames it as an issue of choice allowing students the freedom to choose rather than forcing them to pay a union fee if they want to study.

“In addition, student associations often support particular political causes, which is inappropriate given that all students are forced to financially contribute. Voluntary student membership will increase the legitimacy of the involvement of such associations with politics,” Douglas said.

New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) co-president Jordan King said the bill was another idea from Sir Roger Douglas who is grossly out of touch with the student population.

“We find the system is working fine. We don’t think he is the best person to make this decision for students,” King said.

“It looks like he wants to impose his 1980 beliefs on unsuspecting students. He probably doesn’t know what it is like to be on a tight budget. We don’t all get a 90 percent discount on our undertakings.”

The bill is expected to have its first reading in parliament within the next few weeks.

This is not the first time a VSM bill has been put before parliament. In 1997, then-MP Michael Laws managed to pass an amendment allowing VSM under the condition that: a) 10 percent of students signed a petition to force a referendum, and b) a majority of students in the referendum voted for VSM.

Victoria University has released a new sustainability guide designed to clue staff and students in on its new environmental platform.

The guide offers advice and ideas on how to be more environmentally sustainable while at university, and covers commuting, travel, energy, waste, food, teaching and research.

An online version of the guide is available through Victoria’s environment website, and hard copies—produced on recycled paper—can also be ordered.

The guide can be viewed here.

Memorial Theatre upgrade complete, Launch Arcologies prepare for lift off

The recently refurbished Memorial Theatre, located in the Student Union Building, will become a dual purpose bastion of learning prowess, according to Victoria University’s facilities management.

The theatre, which has been staging lectures since the beginning of the second trimester, is set to be used more frequently following the destruction of the Easterfield lecture theatre in 2010.

It will also maintain its functionality as a venue for performances for clubs, rep groups and musicians.

Victoria University Facilities Management Project Manager Lisa Bishop said the benefits of the upgrade were obvious.

“When the refurbished theatre opened its doors early July the benefits to both students and external theatrical companies was clearly evident,” she said.

“Audiences, who experienced the hot and stuffy theatre in previous years, will be well aware of the improvements to the ventilation and cooling system when they next visit the theatre.”

New sushi place opens on campus :D

Sushi fans at Victoria University are excited to hear of a new all-purpose sushi café opening at Kelburn’s campus this week.

Basement Café, located on the ground floor of the Student Union Building, has hired “authentic” Japanese sushi chef “Yoshi” to preen its existing menu and sushi-fy it.

Yoshi, whose specialties include sushi, tempura and bento, moved to Wellington two years ago after owning his own restaurant in the sushi-friendly South Island.

Basement Sushi Cafe Manager Jeffry Craanen said he was looking forward to welcoming Yoshi to the new café.

Former colleagues Mario and Luigi were unavailable for comment.