Michael Oliver, the News Editor of Salient, quantifiably the best student magazine in New Zealand, had been promising his mother he would somehow dupe his superiors into letting her cat Johnny be in the publication.

After discovering the final issue for 2009 was to be called Failient, Oliver took his chance, writing an entire news story—this one, for all you geniuses out there—about getting Johnny into Salient.

Oliver said the decision to let Johnny in wasn’t exactly tough.

“[Editor] Jackson Wood is like an owl chasing a ping-pong ball that’s been heated in the microwave for 20 seconds. Distract him, and you’re given carte blanche to do whatever the hell you want,” he explained.

“I love Johnny, and believe his presence in this seldom-read section of the magazine is pawsome.”

Others have disagreed with Oliver’s choice. VUWSARR President Tasman Dismantle found the cute ‘lil so-n-so taking up valuable space in her [sic] publication offensive.

“VUWSARR finds cats inappropriate,” Dismantle explained.

“VUWSARR finds just about everything inappropriate.

“Remember when VUWSARR didn’t lay a leaf on ANZAC Day? Inappropriate. Remember when Mole Osgove set himself on fire during that SRC three people turned up to? Inappropriate. Remember when I woke up this morning? Inappropriate.”

In a surprising twist, one of Dismantle’s most ardent critics has come out in support of her. Workers’ Party mailboy and full-time living joke Alistair Heath called the decision to let Johnny take up space a disastrous move.

“You think there’s gonna be time for cats when the revolution comes, hmm? You think? THINK. AGAIN. FRIEND.” Heath said.

“We’ll all be too busy parading in the street, punching the air and shouting ‘VIVA LA REVOLUTION’ to be worrying about domestic pet care.”

Some, however, have come out in support of Johnny’s appearance, including the cat himself.

“OH HO HO, I’M JOHNNY, AND I’M SO FREE,” said Johnny through a translator.

“PEOPLE MIGHT NOT LIKE MY FACE, BUT I AM CUTE, AND I AM WILD. THEY CALL ME…KAIMANAWA.”

It is a little-known fact that Johnny frequently disappears from home days at a time to spend time living underneath the Ashhurst Primary School Hall, or the Ashhurst Bowling Club.

It is for this reason, and this reason only, people know him by the moniker…Kaimanawa.

He arrives at the New Zealand Herald every morning by swinging through a window dressed in a mask and chevalier, a cutlass between his teeth, and a pistol spraying bullets left, right and centre. Every morning.

At first it was kind of annoying, but now, nobody even notices. “Oh, there’s Zorro Rattue with his cutlass—oh, bother, that bullet pierced my monitor. Oh deary me. Who will stop this madman?” fellow Herald writers would yawn.

At his desk, he starts his computer with a flourish of his hands, and screams, “ALAKAZAM!” as Windows ME appears on screen. He then cracks his knuckles, cocks his neck side to side and spins a conveniently-placed raffle wheel he stole from a pub in Kihikihi in 1993. It twirls, but nobody looks up—they saw this yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that—and smirks as it lands on two words: “Graham Henry.”

He produces two darts from his pocket and twirls around in his chair. Covering his eyes with a hand, Rattue launches the darts mid-spin and waits for the satisfying “CA-DUNK CA-DUNK” sounds he’s all too familiar with. He peeks through his fingers and giggles. Dart #1 is lodged between a cubicle near the Herald on Sunday desks, while Dart #2 has found a home in the Lifestyle section. Rattue rubs his hands together and “muhahahas”.

“Graham Henry,” he types, “needs to herald a new lifestyle this Sunday… when the All Blacks GO BELLY UP AND LOSE AS ONLY THEY KNOW HOW…”
And so, like a new-born calf, a new Chris Rattue column oozes its way into the world.

One is at a loss to explain why Chris Rattue hates everything so much. The Herald is a perfectly adequate publication with a feisty sports section choc-o-block with pretty graphics and stuff with things.

He lives in Auckland, home to the Sky Tower and that other building that’s not the Sky Tower. He shares a press box at Eden Park with that guy from the Dom Post and that dude who used to read sports on 92.2 2XS FM in Palmerston North. His shorthand could be used to convey words—things are “pretty good”, perhaps even “not too bad” in Rattue country.

And yet, he’s angry. Chris Rattue is so angry he doesn’t even know what he’s angry about. He masks his frustration with carefully timed cackles and gesticulations, but deep down inside—right before the bile ducts—his sweaty, hearty, fan-the-flames and kill-the-messenger bitter bombastic bombs are overwhelming.

No one’s known his righteous indignation quite like All Black coach Graham Henry. Following the All Blacks Rugby World Cup exit in 2007, Rattue wrote that he’d never support an All Black side coached by the former Grammar headmaster again.

Other gentle thoughts include, “The blood that should have been spilled after the appalling World Cup campaign of 2007 needs to flow right now,” and “…the All Blacks could play in sackcloths and they’d still stomp all over France,” prior to the aforementioned World Cup.

It’s because of Chris Rattue that I would find an All Blacks loss in ’11 absolutely, and without reservation, delusion, or pretensions, the funniest fucking thing ever.

It would be several different shades of amazing to read “BARHGAH NEW ZEALAND RUGBY IS DEAD TO ME ARRAGHAH I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG BAHFHAHF THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN DOVES CRY GARRGGGAH!” from the pen of Sire Rattue in October 2011.

“But MJO,” you croon, you sway, you swagger, “Don’t you want to see Richie McGod raise aloft yonder William Webb upon noble Eden Park?” Why, yes, friend. I do. I imagine the thought of winning a Rugby World Cup to be likened to watching the final episode of Lost. After that, sport will be dead to me.

But should they fail, like so many Blighty Boys could have during the Battle of Britain, a new dark age of Rattuesque ranting will be ushered in. His words will ring bloody and strong in the ears of all and sundry. It would be like so many Christmas hams crammed into one 1000 word strong diatribe of pure fucking mayhem.

I just want to see him explode. There’s really nothing more to it. I just want to see Chris Rattue explode.

For the love of god, choke. All Blacks. For the love of comedy, choke. Make my dreams come Rattrue.

Much has been written and spoken about Kayne West’s infamous interruption of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the MTV Video Awards. Many people have criticised West, lambasted him, nailed him to a cross, threw rocks, made him feel small.

But you know what? I think he’s hilarious.

Kayne West is the heel this generation has been waiting for. He’s an arrogant, smarmy, self-important, selfish, dickish, dastardly, rude, and otherwise amazing human being.

My only problem with Kayne’s incredibly awesome dickmove is that he spent it on someone like Beyonce. Beyonce. He could have avenged virtually anyone’s reputation, and he chose the woman who wanted you to like it and put a ring on it.

You know what, Beyonce? That sounds a little too much like having your cake and eating it too. And you know what else? I don’t like you seeing my halo either. You need to stop this. You need to stop hurting America.

As for Kayne, poor, misunderstood, hilarious Kayne—he needs to save his righteous indignation for people that matter. Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the UN Security Council a couple of weeks back to a chamber at 50% capacity. You can’t even taper off the upper decks of the chamber to make it look full—50% empty is 50% empty.

But if delegates knew a douchebag extraordinaire was going to interrupt Ahmadinejad and say “Kim Jong Ill has tha greatest nuclear programme of all time!” people would turn up. People would tune in. People would listen.

Kayne, I love you and your dickishness, but you need to tie it up and only use it when it matters. Beyonce is an independent woman—she can take care of herself.
Yeah, that’s right, Beyonce, I said it. Throw your hands up at me, pal.

I’m right here.

The fact is this: your students’ association is having the worst image crisis since What’s-Her-Name had surgery on her thing with the face and the other thing. Yeah, I read blogs, what of it?

After all, deep within the bowels of the ugliest building on campus sits this sparsely decorated sinkhole of depression and misery—a lair dank with the putridity of self-hatred and despair, the offices where good people go to die as rudderless hulls sinking to the bottom of an ocean cold and dark; festering meatsacks pulled down by the inequities of their own expectations and tortured by the dreams of what could’ve been if they had only looked away; humourless husks of their former selves, fettered chunks of awfulness so ghastly, so vacant, so utterly fucking lost, they have no recourse but to throw their arms to the cross and scream, “Kill me! Kill me now!”

And even if they were all crucified like the most popular man in history, you STILL wouldn’t vote for them.

In recent weeks, this organisation once simply known as “VUWSA” has definitely defined itself by re-defining the definite article. Press releases released from the chambers of Mistress Freemantle now come brandishing the definite article “the” before “VUWSA”. “The VUWSA believes…” “The VUWSA understands…” “The VUWSA assures…” The. The. The. The. The…

It’s scrumdiddilyumptious. The Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association is “The VUWSA”. It is absolutely correct. For sure, many will point to the lack of “of” in “VUWSA”, but frankly “The VUOWSA” sounds like something guys like Steve would attach to their Mazda 323s to impress girls like Stace.

You don’t ever want to be like Steve.

As for the definite article and why it’s there after having been the hell away from VUWSA, it’s simple.

First of all, let’s establish a couple of things: the world loves Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He was a treat to watch in The Scorpion King, and he did that thing with the gun in that movie about the… the thing in that… gun… with the stuff. He is Hollywood’s answer to a question nobody asked, but is eternally grateful to have a response for anyway. Secondly, he’s named for chunks of endless granite left teetering in chunks at an industrial quarry. That’s nothing short of amazing.

Mark Maguire, the VUWSA’s Association Manager, is no fool’s bagel. He may have a hole right in the middle where his experience will be, but his sides are jampacked with packed jam and a sweet ‘lil creamy filling. A smart man orders a jam bagel, and that’s what Maguire is: a jam bagel of a man.

This jam bagel has wined and dined his fair share of sweet flicks too, for where else would “The VUWSA” come from if not “The Rock”? One can only assume that when asked “What professional-wrestler-cum-B-grade-Hollywood-nobody” would you invite to dinner, he’d refused to let Hulkamania run wild.

But things go deeper than that. Mark Maguire knows you better than you know yourself. He knows what makes the average Joe and Jenny College tick—and it ain’t no Krishna van meal neither. By using “the” whenever they can, the VUWSA is drawing upon The Rock’s limitless popularity. It’s a masterstroke—a real elbow to the people who’ve hit, dare I say it, rock bottom.

So when you’re ignoring your students association, just remember the. Without the, where would The Rock be? Where would the Association Manager Mark Maguire be? Where would the world be? Where would the tutorial class you’d normally attend every week be? The answer to all these questions is down at the VUWSA office. Tell them The Rock sent you—they’re practically family down there. The resemblance is uncanny.

Neil Edgeimon, who went by the moniker “goku_karori_28,” was arrested in his Karori flat after police were tipped off by a post on the semi-popular Vegetafighter/Forum.

Edgeimon stands accused of orchestrating a series of crimes against just about every single computer on the internet.

“We’re looking to press charges, but we’re in consultation with both Interpol and the CIA,” said Detective Senior Sergeant Grant Williams.

“This is an unprecedented case, and we want to make sure we do everything correctly.”

Computers from Manhattan to Berlin were compromised last week by an elaborate, but altogether amateurish, bombardment of emails.

It was reported the emails contained the words “heh” and “smirk” shaped in the likeness of a middle finger.

Edgeimon, who was a regular poster on the anime-themed discussion forum, Vegetafighter/forum, had discussed at length the relative ease in which he could hack “everything.”

“Smirk, gamakuns everywhere won’t know the full fury of my sweet 1337 treats, heh,” Edgeimon allegedly wrote as goku_karori_28.

“All I need is a 56 kb/s connection, a Family Guy bogglehead and some ’Dew, and the whole world will be shown for the chibi gamu_kun otaku sons they really are.

Heh, look out, world. Here comes the G_K_28 man, smirk.”

Discussion upon the forum has been rife since Edgeimon’s arrest, with many insisting up0n the student’s innocence.

“i thought hiz username was chibi_trunks_kelburn, or was he petrone_powa_82?” asked Otaki_Otaku_43.

“He’s def not goku_karori_28.”

“THIS IS PART OF THE ZIONIST IMPERIAL POWER SHIFT!” claimed Workers_Party_iz_Sweet.

Despite this, Williams was “positive” they had the right man.

“I can’t comment further other than to say we are very pleased with the arrest, and that the investigation is ongoing.

We will be questioning associates of Mr. Edgeimon in the coming days,” Detective Williams said.

“The suggestion that we’ve been duped by a 20-something computer nerd is, quite frankly, ridiculous.”

Heh… guess you’ll never know, gamu_kan, how much of a chibi you really are.

See you on the other side of the thin blue line. Smirk.

Former High Court Judge Miles Wimbleton will head an investigation into accusations Victoria has no idea what it’s doing.

Concerns have been raised in recent times that the Wellington university has frittered away millions of dollars in government funding on pointless studies.

In 2009, Victoria commissioned studies on a variety of topics, from whether people had forgotten about Dre, whether pro wrestlers could smell what The Rock was cooking, to whether Jack Johnson was singing about good times.

The commission is also concerned with the opening of the School of Intense Dickery and Infinite Smugness next year, and the downgrading of Media Studies to a ‘Polytech-esque’ major.

TEC Director of Education Funding Marc Winters said concerns began to arise early on.

“We became concerned in March 2008 that things were starting to go a bit awry at Vic,” Winters said.

“Take a look at this request for financial assistance, signed by Paddy Wolsh. Yes, your eyes doth not deceive­­—that is a luridly rendered picture of the male reproductive organ drawn in the space that says ‘Name’.”

Victoria’s Vice-Chancellor Paddy Wolsh, against the advice of a number of legal professionals, told Salient the investigation would find a treasure trove of embarrassing things.

Judge Wimbleton refused to define the scope of his inquiry, but admitted it had a long-term perspective in mind.

“It would be inappropriate for me to say anything at this time, but I have a feeling I’m gonna be here all fucking night for the next 50 years sorting this place out,” the former judge said

“I’ve seen opening arguments from Otago Law graduates more fluent than this. I swear to god, Otago.”

VUWSARR President Tasman Dismantle was unavailable for comment, but Vice-President of Communications Shameless O’Brady was glib in his assessment.

“Basically, in an abridged kind of way, what this amounts to is a complete and utter disregard for the tenets and socio-economical dispatches of the realist comprehension surrounding tertiary education, which is, indeed, a paradigm of the Orwellian idea of syncopated discombobulating discourse, which is, naturally, at the forefront of the English Language in terms of where things lie in the greater scheme, life and death, as it were, of Victoria’s position at the forefront of all kinds of ups and downs, downs and ups, ebbs—and perhaps even flows—of the modern idea of postmodern ideas,” he said.

“I’m sorry I can’t say more.”

I have been lied to by BK Drinkwater before. In 2003, the man who lived E34 at Weir House told me that Radiohead’s ‘We Suck Young Blood’ had “killed” his clown. He later recanted saying he never had a clown and that Thom Yorke’s piercing vocals always found acquiescence with his “sexy” psyche.

That lie I could forgive, but the former has taken a while to digest—nine months long. I was led to believe writing news was something to be proud of, that in a magazine choc-full of razzamatazz, zing, zang, and zop, people would appreciate a few solitary pages of serious reporting. Alas, this young heart of mine beat a thousand times a lie, and the blood pumped aplenty this year.

I have witnessed a number of up-and-coming writers suit up a dictaphone and notepad and become journalistic superstars. Our own Jessy Edwards, who was but a bored wee thing covering Exec meetings, slung her way to winning a national award for her newsiness. Some of you may be contemplating joining the news crew under the wise eye of Ms Rarah Sobson. Be warned, friend: no good will ever come of it.

How Salient’s News Gets Made: A Primer

Every Monday morning bang on 11:00am, a group of rag-tag news volunteers descend upon the Salient office hoping their beloved News Editor has something worthwhile to impart. He never has, and doesn’t feel the least bit guilty for it. But they sit, and stare, and anticipate anyway. So he sits, thinks, and forty-five minutes later, he’s sent them away carrying knapsacks of newsness over their shoulders large enough to last a week.

Then he thinks to himself: “Imma kill those volunteers one day.”

Tuesday rolls around, and down into the bowels of the VUWSA office I go, joined by an equally enthusiastic Jackson James Wood to meet Still-President Jasmine Freemantle. We sit awkwardly for 20 minutes thinking of something intelligent to ask. Given that nobody in the room really wants to be there, we dream up open-ended questions that allow the president to talk non-stop for 19 minutes 40 seconds. It’s an unspoken relationship that has worked well for the last year.

On Wednesday, stories begin to flow in. They’re usually awful and require most of the day to repair.

On Thursday, I write. My fingers ache and bleed but by 10:43pm the week’s dribble is usually done. Then the phone rings at 10:45pm, and some VUWSA jabroni has set a primary school on fire or something, and so the week’s top story is thrown out the window.

On Friday, I lament. Saturday, I rest. Sunday, I anticipate. Monday, I weep, and find myself explaining to my volunteers why daddy cries.

Why Salient Has a News Section:

Having studied the media in me-dia stud-ies, I’ve come to learn why western civilisation needs the news. News has an untenable role to play in ensuring the plebs don’t get smooshed by the elites. We need the likes of The Dominion Post, Campbell Live and Barry Soper to keep people like Don Franks and Mark Blumksy honest.
At Victoria, we have a government of sorts. They’re more like a club—a “No Homers” club of student politician and ratbag surfboard-riding radicals.

The VUWSA has a reputation for being a shifty group. They’re responsible for approximately $2 million of Victoria students’ money, and have a chequered spending history, the details of which can be found in the news section of Salient!

With Roger Douglas’ Voluntary Student Membership bill sitting on the horizon, it is more important than ever to make sure a largely indifferent student journalist keeps their Eye on the Exec.

There’s also the itty bitty fact that there’s 25,000 or so students knocking about—the size of a small town, really. Stuff happens; people do things—it’s a fact. It’s nice to hear about the goody gumdrops moments, but there’s a bountiful bevy of bad stuff too.

“But Michael,” you say. “If nobody reads news, then why have news?”

Oh, Little Johnny Puddleface, hush now. We need news because it gives those 1500 people who vote in VUWSA Elections something to bend their egos over on Salient’s website. The likes of “Hank Scorpio” and “smackdown” need an arena to air their articulate and well-rounded thoughts. Without the news, where would these people be? What would they be doing? How would they fill their days—with something worthwhile?! Nay, upon thine honour, scourge, withdraw your argument.

Why You Haven’t Read the News This Year, and Probably Shouldn’t Start

You’re feisty—I like that. You’re a rabid sassy snap, crackle and pop power ranger of a reader. You like your stories quick and witty. You like your letters long and pretty, your photos high res and your comics Bugger All’d.

All these features can be found at the back of Salient. The news, in all its brazen glory, occupies eight pages at the front of Salient. You have no incentive to read the news. Salient isn’t a cover-to-cover read. It’s a, “Well, fuck, I’ve come to uni an hour early—KIA ORA, DAYLIGHT SAVINGS, KIA ORA—so I bet—oh, look, Salient. Hey, I wonder what that idiot courier driver is doing this week…” sort of thing.

But don’t start now on account of me. You’re really not missing out on much. Take this year, for example:
—Joel Cosgrove owes you all $1200, and won’t pay it back.
—An irate motel owner called Vic students the “scum of the earth” and invited us to “go save the fucking whales.”
—The VUWSA opted not to lay a wreath on ANZAC Day.
—Your fees went up, your service levy doubled.
—Joel Cosgrove set a New Zealand flag on fire.
—The VUWSA botched a by-election, costing you sweet, sweet $$$
—Salient came up with a hilarious pun starring a convicted double-murderer, and warmed the heart of the nation with its plea for contrition.

I’m absolutely certain nothing of worth will happen over the holidays, so rest quite assured, your ignorance is—and has been—appreciated.

Where to from here?

No doubt whoever’s drunk enough to want to edit Salient’s News Section in 2010 will have their hands full. Should the VSM bill come into law, should Max Hardy slip in his drool, should the university up fees by 20%, should Joel Cosgrove, you know, breathe, there will be stories to tell, things to learn, and happenings to be aware of.

But, of course, you’ll be too busying facepalming over Vegeta_Newtown_32’s disappointing thoughts on Windows ME to give three fifths of a you-know-what.

As for me, well, I’ve learned a lot. After a year of all the VUWSA/Victoria/Students/NZUSA/Anne Tolley malarkey a lad can handle, I never want to sit in this chair and adhere to the fucking inverted pyramid ever again.

BK Drinkwater owes me something for this. My sense of anticipation may never repair.

Former VUSWAAR Camping Officer Sam Oldman resigned his post in a fit of blossom-cheeked rage last month, saying the association had lost its radical mojo.

The claim launched a number of spontaneous Google Image searches for the word “radical” from VUSWARR General Store Manager Shark McFireher.

Speaking to Salient for the first time in recorded memory, McFireher announced the findings of his Google search.

“Ahh, ‘tis was a sight t’behold!” McFireher said.

“There under the shade of Gougal sat a pretty wee pot of gold of a JPEG. ‘Twas of a surfer from Cali-for-ni-a surfin’ some ‘radical’ waves, to be sure.”

From there in, appropriate arrangements were made. The VUWSAAR Exec unanimously approved the quote for a deluxe surfboard, imported from St. Luke’s Mall in Auckland.

VUWSAAR President Tasman Dismantle hoped the new ride would be enough to bring the passionate young socialist guitar solo of a REVOLUTIONIST back into the VUWSAAR fold.

“We need people like Sam Oldman,” Dismantle said.

“VUWSAAR hopes he’ll find it in his heart—his radical, fiery heart—to put down the A3 Xerox protest banner, and soothe his soul by riding some BODACIOUS COWABUNGA KICKASS GNARY WAVES, DUDE.

“SURF’S THE FUCK UP, MAN!”

Oldman, however, was coy about reversing his resignation and climbing back on board.

Speaking to the Vee Bee Sea, Oldman had difficulty conveying his side of the story.

“Hello…hello, Ryan? Are you there? All I hear is crackling… there’s a lot of crackling on the line here—sorry, what was that? We’re not on air yet? Oh, we are on air? I thought you were meant to be playing an ad. You did play an ad? Why didn’t you tell me? Oh, so I’m on air now, Ryan? Wait, I’m not? You’re playing some Shocking Pinks EP right now? Just how… how long will that take? About 45 minutes? Ryan? Ryan? Are you there? Ryan? Ryan? Ryan?” Oldman said.

Radical guitar-soloing shit-eating-grin-wearing SOCIALIST DINOSAUR OF A CRAPITALIST NIGHTMARE Alistair Heath told the Vee Bee Sea that he hoped Oldman wouldn’t go back on his word.

“When the moon shadows the earth, and the revolution—that glorious revolution led by Ron Shanks and us somewhat-educated unshaven Marxist Monsters—arrives, Sam Oldman can have all the surfboard machines he wants… riding the wave…to freedom,” Heath said.

“Did you… did you get that, Ryan? Hello? Hello, Ryan? I’m getting a shitload of static here. Hello? Do you guys wanna call me back on another line? Hello? All I can hear now is an Interpol song. Have you stopped talking to me? Oh now I can’t even hear that… are you even still on the air?” he asked.

Reaction was mixed from Victoria’s student body to the new surfboard machine.

“So, lemme get this straight. They went out and bought a surfboard machine because the guy on $100,000 a year couldn’t ascertain what Oldman meant by the term ‘radical’? Fuck, I don’t care if it sounds like a venereal disease, gimme VSM!” said one student.

“Oh yeah, nah, I like surfing. I surf all day and all night sometimes. Surf’s up with some sweet Jack Johnson? Radical, man, radical,” said another.

ACT The Fool on Campus Vice-President, Chairman, Treasurer, Gunslinger, Blogger, Photocopier, and Social Club President, Milkshakes McCaffeine, said the purchase was just another knife in the back for universal student membership.

“I can’t wait until they burn the Student Union Building down, to be frank,” McCaffeine said.

“Though I can’t say here or there what should happen to its charred remains. I mean, the market could very well want those charred remains to stay there as a kind of reminder to all those who doubt VSM—you don’t have the choice to doubt us, motherfucker.”

McCaffeine was unable to offer much of a response to Oldman and Heath’s coments on the radio.

“I’m literally standing outside the office and I can’t pick the signal up, so how am I supposed to know what’s being said?” he lamented.

The surfboard machine is available for use between 9am and 5pm Monday through Friday to anyone with a spare 20 cent coin.

We like to think 2009 has been a great year, but has it been the best year? And if you were to make an all-star Salient team from the 00s, who’d be on it?

Let’s say you had to choose:

- An editor
- A news editor
- A designer
- Two feature writers
- Two unpaid news writers
- A music writer, a film writer, and a theatre writer
- Three columnists
- Two cartoonists

Who’d you choose? Would Appleton edge out Wood? Would Nippert kick Holm in the shins? Would Brunswick kick the Darkoom down the street?

And for comedy’s sake, what wacky VUWSA President would you have this crack team reporting on?

Former VUWSA Vice-President (Administration) Max Hardy has comfortably won election to the office of VUWSA President for 2010.

Hardy beat opponent Alan Young by 807 votes to 205. Guy Williams, who was unable to remove his name from the ballot after withdrawing his candidacy, netted 372 votes.

Fewer than 1,500 students participated in this year’s election, approximately 6% of the student population, and down on last year’s equally low 10% turn out.

Despite the low numbers, Hardy expressed happiness with the result and an eagerness to move VUWSA forward in 2010.

“I’m very happy with the result. I’m looking forward to building an association that students can be proud to be members of,” he said.

“The inital analysis suggests that the secret to my success was staring into their yellow eyes without blinking once.

“I congratulate everyone who was elected, I have huge confidence that we can achieve good things together in 2010.”

Victoria University Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh congratulated Hardy on his election and expressed an eagerness to work with him on a number of key issues.

“We hope that he will continue to work in partnership with the university and build on the good relationships which have been fostered this year.

“There are some important roles for the incoming student president, including working with the university on the new student services levy, communicating to students and representing students on the University Council,” Professor Walsh said.

Still-VUWSA President Jasmine Freemantle said that while the results were predictable, and the low voter turnout was disappointing, she wished the 2010 Exec and Almost-VUWSA President Hardy the best of luck.

“VUWSA management undertook significant promotion encouraging students to vote in the election, including a reminder email sent to all students, a poster campaign, and coverage in Salient and on The VBC 88.3FM.

“A number of factors may have contributed to the low voter turnout, including the small number of students that were nominated, and the absence of firm plat-forms and a strong presidential race which have featured in past elections,” she said.

Failed Presidential hopeful, and perennial candidate extraordinaire Alan Young was successful in his bid to join the halls of VUWSA, winning election to the position of Activities Officer.

Commenting on the Salient website, Young said he was excited with the prospect of being a member of the ’10 Exec.

“The people have voted and obviously Max is the man for the job, so I shall pull full support behind him and hope him well,” Young wrote.

Other elections of note include Sam Oldham to the position of Vice-President (Education), Seamus Brady to Vice-President (Education) and Publications Committee, Caitlin Dunham to the position of Women’s Rights Officer, and Conrad Reyners to the position of University Council Representative.

VUWSA Elections results 2010

President Max Hardy
Vice-President (Education) Sam Oldham
Vice-President (Welfare) Seamus Brady
Vice-President (Administration) No Nominations Received
Women’s Rights Officer Caitlin Dunham
International Students Officer Alice Pan
Queer Officer No Nominations Received
Environmental Officer Zachary Dorner
Campaigns Officer Bridie Hood
Activities Officer Alan Young
Clubs Officer Fraser Pearce
Education Officer James Sleep
Welfare Officer Craig Carey
University Council Representative Conrad Reyners
Publications Committee Rep Seamus Brady